Name: Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 11: 2000-2002
Uploaded: 2021-04-25T17:45:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 11: 2000-2002' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 11: 2000-2002' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-25. Transcript available.

Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 11: 2000-2002

Now I lost what I was saying.
Dave, there's fish.
Dave, there's fish over here.
Dave, maybe you kids want to take a time out.
Hey, we're back with Jungle Jack Hanna.
He's been a friend of the show for many years.
Now, Jack, do you remember the first time you were on the show?
Oh, yeah.
Valentine's Day, 1985.
It was an incredible day.
I'd never been to New York.
Wow.
Being from Tennessee, just couldn't believe it.
Sitting there and actually puked before I went on.
Wow, just from being in New York?
Well, just from.
Just from.
That happens.
Huh?
That'll happen to you.
No, I'd never even seen the show.
Yeah.
But people said, you know, he's going to tear you apart and all this kind of
stuff.
So I didn't pay any attention.
The crow got loose.
I couldn't catch him for almost a day.
The girl that was singing, I don't remember her name.
She wouldn't come out because the crow was loose.
It was Barbara Streisand, probably.
It probably was her.
Yeah.
So if you hadn't seen the show, if you had seen the show, would you have done
it?
I don't know if I'd have done it.
Yeah.
No.
But you're happy you did now after 15 years.
Yeah, I really think he likes animals.
You know, I hope some of the things I haven't done there have caused him to
have a heart problem.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Do you know anything about animals or is that a big goof?
Have you ever worked with animals before?
Me?
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been a director for a zoo for almost 30 years.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
But you know, Dave doesn't think I know anything about animals.
Right.
But you know something else?
Because if his heart gets real bad, and right now they're working with baboon
hearts.
I know they are.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has one.
He does.
He's got a baboon's heart.
But I'm very serious.
If he gets an animal heart, he may want to call me to get some information
someday, and you know, he better start treating me a little bit differently.
Right.
Now, Jack, tell me, honestly, does Dave know anything about animals?
Well, he knows something about domestic animals, probably.
But what he's learned about wild animals, he's learned from me, obviously.
Right.
Because you're the only guy that's ever been on the show with animals.
Right, right.
He says I'm a walking encyclopedia of misinformation, but I do know quite a bit.
You know, I'm an animal expert on a lot of shows.
Right.
What does he not know about animals?
Well, he doesn't know how to handle them.
You know, of course, not many people do other than me, really.
Right.
But, you know, sometimes he doesn't like the monkeys and stuff jumping on him
and everything.
But they're just, you know, they see him and they smell him.
And Dave has a smell, probably, that attracts certain animals.
And the monkeys seem to like him a great deal.
Apes.
Especially gorillas and stuff.
Right.
And you handle, do you ever whisper with horses or anything?
Are you one of those guys where you're born with that inside of you, the
ability to communicate with the animals?
Whisper to a horse?
Horse whisper.
Didn't you see the movie?
Oh, no, I heard of that.
I never whispered one.
You never, probably not real.
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the one, the only, Jungle Jack Hanna.
You know, Jack, you've been coming on the show a long, long time, and we really
appreciate that.
We're proud of our relationship with you and the animals.
You always do a nice job for us.
Thank you very much.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I can't believe you said that.
Yeah.
How you feeling?
How's the malaria?
See, I never had malaria, and that caused me a lot of problems.
Really?
Yeah, I thought I had malaria.
Well, you told me you had malaria.
I told somebody everything.
He told you, and then you told the whole world.
Right.
Now nobody will do anything with me.
But this...
Well, with or without malaria, that's always been a problem, hasn't it, Jack?
Yeah, sure, yeah.
I would think.
This is...
Can you do this?
What did you have?
We'll get to the animal in a minute.
Well, what did you have?
I had...
It was a virus in the stomach.
A stomach virus?
I had diarrhea.
Anyway.
Dave.
Feeling better now?
I'm putting the weight back on.
All right.
What do you have there?
It's a bush baby.
No, it's not a bush baby.
It's a bush baby.
This is a real rare...
This is rare, Dave.
I've never had one of these on.
This is a baby gorilla.
Oh, baby gorilla.
Yeah, this is one of the rarest animals in the world.
Oh, my God.
What's so neat about this animal...
...is that this was taken by a cesarean.
One of the few in the world ever taken by a cesarean.
Right.
And my wife's gynecologist...
In captivity?
This took place in captivity, obviously.
Yeah, yeah.
And my wife's gynecologist did the operation,
so I had to mention that, because I'm...
Jack.
No, I'm being very serious.
I want you to know that human people work with animals.
Okay.
But I just...
And she had...
This gorilla had the best.
So your wife gets, like, a deal now or something?
No, she...
She's...
She's past the childbearing age.
Oh, right.
So...
But I just want you to...
But is it a good idea to...
Have you ever held a gorilla?
Well, no, I never have.
It's amazing.
Now, this gorilla is a female gorilla.
Canberra is her name.
Can I put her right up here?
Canberra?
Right against your chest, yeah.
Okay.
Hello, baby.
Hello, little baby.
Hello, baby.
That gorilla likes you.
Hello, baby.
Very cute.
Now, how old is the animal here?
Five months old, and it will go back with the troop
in about another...
About another six days.
It'll go back with the troop.
It'll go back with other gorillas.
Hello, baby.
Now, you're...
Very strong at a young age, aren't they?
That thing could...
That thing could tear you apart in about four years.
Uh-oh, Jack, the beanie baby hit the ground.
Get the beanie baby.
Get the beanie baby.
Get the beanie baby.
Come on, Jack.
I thought you meant something else.
No, no, give the beanie baby to the animal.
That's what she wants.
She can come out and get the gorilla now.
So, Jack, where did this take place?
In Columbus at the zoo there?
Oh, yeah, in our own hospital.
Oh, you have an animal hospital?
Sure, we do, yeah.
Thank you very much.
Six doctors.
Six doctors did the operation.
Bye-bye, baby.
It's a very rare animal.
There you go.
Thank you.
Now, this animal, Dave...
That was fun.
I enjoyed that, Jack.
This animal here...
You won't believe this anymore.
Holy crap!
Oh, my God!
Dave, Dave, Dave, don't.
What the hell was that?
My God, I think I'm lying out of there.
Oh, there it is!
Dave, it's...
There it is, Jack.
There, there.
Just wait a minute.
There it is.
Dave, it's just a tamarind.
Wow, that's a lemur.
Is that a lemur?
No, it's one of the world's smallest monkeys.
It was like something you buy at one of those novelty stores where you open the
box and...
Whoa, surprise!
Can you hand me a banana?
Can you hand me a banana?
Oh, sir?
Hand me a banana.
Oh, sure.
No, thank you.
You didn't get lunch?
No, I just...
Are we going to feed the lemur the banana?
Yeah.
Here.
It sounds like we're just learning English.
Feed the lemur the banana.
Can you...
No, just hold...
Just hold the banana.
Just hold the banana.
Act like you...
That's it, that's it, that's it.
Thank you.
Now, I was going to make...
I was going to make a point...
I'd like to have a couple of these in my pants, if you know what I'm saying.
I was going to make a point.
I was going to make a point.
Where are they from, Jack?
Where's the tamarind?
The point is, this is from South America.
The gorilla is from Africa.
That's one of the biggest primates in the world.
This is one of the smallest, the little tamarind.
This is also...
This is in the gorilla family or the primate family?
The primate family.
What did you make that face, Jack?
Well, I just...
No, you're right.
That was dumb.
You're right.
It was a good question.
It was a good question.
These animals live in the rainforest, Dave.
God, he must be stuffed.
Look at all the banana he ate.
Anyway, Dave?
Dave.
Oh!
Oh!
No, he's all right.
Dave.
I just...
I had to thank somebody.
Dave.
Yeah.
America West flew these animals first class because I couldn't get them on the
airplane.
They didn't fly first class, Jack.
They didn't fly them first class.
I swear to God.
They're up in front sitting in the big chair?
Sitting right there in the chairs at the ladies?
No, they're not.
Okay, they're not.
Eating peanuts and complimentary cocktails?
No, they had milk.
They had peanuts.
Look at this animal.
Jack, is this thing still...
Jack, is this thing still on me?
This is Jared Miller.
He raises these things.
All right.
Thank you very much, Jared.
Nice meeting you.
Keep up the good work.
I've heard nothing but great things.
Now, this animal...
Can you believe all the primates we have tonight?
It's like primate night.
Primate night.
This is a bush baby, Dave.
Ladies night, primate night.
This is a bush baby.
This is a bush baby.
A bush baby, that's right.
The bush babies, when you're in Africa at nighttime, you go out and film, and
you see thousands
of eyeballs, and that's what this is.
They're nocturnal.
That's exactly it.
Are they marsupial?
No, not marsupial.
Are they carnivores?
No, they eat fruit.
They eat fruit.
Now, look at this thing here.
These here, this is amazing.
Get them in a box.
Boy, oh, boy.
Yay.
Look at this thing.
These are armadillos.
Yeah.
Three-banded armadillos.
Three-banded.
Now, we're going to move from marsupials to the armadillos.
The American Southwest.
No, that's non-banded.
Exoskeletons.
Exoskeletons.
Exoskeletons.
How did you know that?
Well, the skeletons on the outside.
Right.
External skeletal.
Wow.
It's a female here.
Something wrong there.
I know.
Oh, look at this, Dave.
Wait, you won't believe this.
Oh, my God.
Dave, this is probably the neatest thing I think I've ever done.
My toupee!
Oh, my toupee!
Jared, take this one.
Take it.
Yeah.
What did I say?
I said American Southwest.
Yeah.
Yeah, now, that's not a primate, is it?
No, no.
You won't believe this.
This animal's from SeaWorld.
You won't believe this now.
From SeaWorld?
Yeah, this is a cassowary, Dave.
This is like that movie, you know, Gone with the Wind.
Not Gone with the Wind.
Yeah, Gone with the Wind.
No, no.
Jurassic Park.
Jurassic Park.
These birds were featured prominently in Gone with the Wind.
No, I got my movies.
Flying over Atlanta.
No, no, I got my movies mixed up.
Scarlet rode away on one of them giant birds.
What I'm trying to tell you is, in Jurassic Park, they modeled that bird.
This is very prehistoric.
This is very rare.
Turkey, Jack.
It's not a turkey.
What you got there is about a 40-pound turkey.
No, this is a cassowary.
Now, cassowary's from New Guinea, and he has big claws.
He can take your guts right out with one kick.
Oh, fine.
Now, feed him an apple, will you?
Watch this, Dave.
Oh, here.
I got apples.
I got apples.
You need an apple?
A special apple.
Please use my apple.
No, no.
He's got this apple.
Oh, okay.
You'll choke him.
Watch him eat this apple.
Look at this.
Now, watch this.
I swear, he swallows this apple whole.
Like he would in the wild.
He eats fruit.
Let me see your apple.
You stuffed him all afternoon with apples.
Watch this, Dave.
Watch this.
These animals, these animals, these animals can eat like five pounds of fruit
in like 10 seconds.
Look at there.
Oh, boy.
Still wants one.
You believe that?
No, I don't.
You can't put a banana in him.
No, you can't put a banana in him.
Let me ask you this.
How do you get the animals to the show, though?
You probably think it's a joke, but they do fly first class.
Right.
Do they just sit there?
No, no.
Well, they sit right there with us.
Like if that's a baby gorilla, obviously, that's an invaluable animal.
So, it has to sit there.
If it's a koala or if it's a, you know, if it's a possum, he'll go over in the
truck.
Not because he's a possum.
It's just that certain animals get to ride in the truck.
Right.
I know I'm not differentiating between a possum and all the possum lovers and
all the gorilla
lovers.
It's just tha