Name: Crush, Smash, and Crash Collection on Letterman, 1985-90
Uploaded: 2021-05-14T02:08:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Crush, Smash, and Crash Collection on Letterman, 1985-90' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Crush, Smash, and Crash Collection on Letterman, 1985-90' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-14. Transcript available.

Crush, Smash, and Crash Collection on Letterman, 1985-90

Okay, Larry, Larry, we have to go.
We'll be checking in with you again a little bit later.
Oh, all right.
Okay, take a break.
Yeah.
In their search to discover the secrets of existence,
physicists have investigated the structure of protein,
the inner workings of the atom, and the paths of the distant stars.
We believe, however, the real key lies elsewhere,
perhaps inside an 80-ton hydraulic press.
First, we brought you the magic, the excitement, and the drama
of mashing things with a steamroller.
Next, it was tossing valuable items off a five-story tower.
Well, tonight, in this machine shop somewhere in New Jersey
next to the TikTok diner,
we're going to be crushing things with an 80-ton hydraulic press.
I think you're going to enjoy what we have planned,
probably learn a few things as well.
So settle back and get ready for fine entertainment.
How about trying to crush something really tough?
Well, this is the toughest thing we can think of, of course.
Uh, TV's Mr. T.
Oh, my.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Kevin, his clothing has never been more wrinkle-free.
Some kind of snack would be good.
So you're interested in a snack about now.
How about the popular...
...crackers and cheese?
Nothing says loving like something from the hydraulic press.
Bathroom tissue.
Well, you know, if it's fun to squeeze,
it's really going to be fun to crush.
Okay, boys, run for your lives.
See, what we have here is the new mini-pack for vacations and camping.
I want to see one of those big hamburgers.
First, the problem with these new giant burgers
is you really can't get them in your mouth too well.
So let's just press it down a little bit.
Something within reason.
Just a reminder, folks, it's raccoon season,
so when you're out driving on the country roads and highways,
be awfully careful.
I want to see a pedlar.
The maximum security padlock.
One of the technicians, as a prank,
has crazy glued it to the press.
There you go.
The key.
Oh, it's the wrong key.
It's not the right key is the problem.
A pack of cigarettes might look good.
Well, here we have a little American development
that has had the Russians scratching their heads
for a couple of decades.
The crush-proof box.
The crush-proof box.
There you go.
What did I tell you?
Not a mark on it.
I'd like to see something from the garden.
Okay, so now, when you say garden,
do you mean like vegetable garden, flower garden?
Madison Square Garden.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Madison Square Garden.
No problem.
Jess needs a little air.
Other than that, it's fine.
I don't know if you can do this or not,
but can you crush something that's been already crushed?
Okay, let me see if I have this correct.
You would like to see something crushed
that is already crushed?
Okay, one can of crushed pineapple.
Okay.
One can of crushed pineapple.
Give me that straw.
Do you have a straw?
I'd like to see something that starts with an X.
Something that starts with X.
Well, all we have is this little xylophone toy,
so I hope you enjoy that.
Okay, let's see.
Okay, let's see.
I know it looked pretty bad,
but you can see for yourself
that she's still smiling.
All right, we'll be right back
to talk with Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
All right, we'll be right back to Paulina Poreczkova.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Thank you, David.
The gentlemen will be playing a complete song later in the program.
Yes, we are.
We certainly look forward to it.
Excited about it.
Coming up later on tonight's show, you're going to meet Joe Franklin.
And as I mentioned, David Sanborn with our band Monday on this program,
George Wendt from Cheers, comedian Paul Reiser,
and Sly Dunbar and Robbie Shakespeare.
Did I get that right?
Yeah.
Okay, that'll be good.
The Rhythm Twins.
If you want to have a good time,
you can, of course, spend a lot of money
going out to fancy restaurants with big floor shows.
But I believe there's more than enough good, wholesome fun
to be had with just a few close friends
and an 80-ton hydraulic press.
It all started with mashing things with a steamroller.
Next, dropping things off a five-story tower.
Well, tonight, by popular demand,
we're in a machine shop somewhere in New Jersey
where, of course, local ordinances permit this sort of thing.
We're going to be destroying things with an 80-ton hydraulic press.
Yes, once again, a celebration of brute force.
How about something for the guys at the plant?
How about a six-pack of imported beer?
There you are.
Enjoy yourselves.
Show me something for my end table.
How about this lovely little lamp here?
Whoa!
Hand-fry 'em, fillet 'em, gut 'em, whatever, he's tasty.
Splash.
Perhaps the perfect concept.
Need we say more?
Press your bowling ball.
I dare you.
Okay, it's come down to this.
The dreaded bowling ball.
Good luck to everyone.
You know what I'd like to see?
The Sunday New York Times.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Look at that.
They're way too thick.
They really ought to be compressed a little bit before they're delivered on
Sunday morning.
So maybe this will help.
Thank God I'm wearing those safety goggles.
Yeah.
That's much easier to deal with, I think.
Yeah.
That's much nicer.
Yeah.
That's much nicer.
Easier to handle.
You could actually just put this in your pocket.
Get up Sunday morning.
Yeah.
You could actually just put this in your pocket.
Get up Sunday morning.
You could actually just put this in your pocket.
Get up Sunday morning on your way to church, fold up the paper.
You're in for a fine day of reading.
You could actually just put this in your pocket.
Get up Sunday morning on your way to church, fold up the paper.
You're in for a fine day of reading.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
That's much easier to deal with, I think.
Yeah.
That's much nicer.
Easier to handle.
You could actually just put this in your pocket.
Get up Sunday morning on your way to church, fold up the paper.
You're in for a fine day of reading.
A beach toy?
How about the traditional beach ball?
I'll be in the tunnel.
I'd like to know, do you think it's possible for today's woman to raise a child
in a
and have a successful career at the same time?
Yeah.
That's a very good question.
Very important issue.
I appreciate you asking, but just let me remind you, this is not the Phil Donahue
show.
So, you've got the wrong show.
I'm sorry.
How about something for dinner?
Okay.
The typical American meal.
Beans?
And Frank's.
Sure.
And the buns?
Sure.
The typical American meal.
Beans?
Oh, jeez.
I almost forgot.
The mustard.
What?
The beans.
The beans.
Oh, jeez.
I almost forgot.
The mustard.
Things.
Things.
Things.
Things.
Things.
Things.
Oh, yeah, that'd be a lot of fun.
We'll, uh, tell you what, we'll recreate the final scene
from Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator.
We'll, uh, tell you what, tell you what, tell you what, tell you what.
I think the popcorn's done.
I think the popcorn's done.
I think the popcorn's done.
I think the popcorn's done.
I think the popcorn's done.
I think the popcorn's done.
I think the popcorn's done.
Okay, we'll be right back with Joe Franklin.
I think the popcorn's done.
You know, Archimedes once said, give me a long enough lever and a place to
stand.
And I can move the world.
You know, Archimedes once said, give me a long enough lever and a place to
stand and I can move the world.
And I'll be right back with Joe Franklin.
And I'll be right back with Joe Franklin.
And I'll be right back with Joe Franklin.
Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the program.
I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but I have to.
NBC has asked me once again to mention that we're going to California Monday.
They're so worried they're not going to get their money's worth.
Can you imagine that?
Us not coming through on a deal like this?
So here, just listen to this guest lineup, and I'll give you a second to get a
pencil to jot these down on your forehead.
Monday, Monday, the day after Sunday, the day you go back to work, but in this
case,
don't go back to work because you need all your strength to stay up late to see
Monday night,
Bo Derek and Stevie Wonder on our show, right?
Okay, now, I love this.
I love this.
It says, later in the week, we have Hugh Hefner and Lee Marvin, Johnny Carson,
Andy Griffith.
What later in the week means, we have no one for Tuesday.
Is that right?
Tuesday is goose eggs, right?
We have, who do we have?
Andy Griffith.
Andy Griffith, no, he's later in the week.
Let me see the card, Kevin.
Let me see the card.
NBC is so concerned, they're spending huge amounts of money to send us all out
there,
and they're so worried that I'm not going to mention it.
Now, look, Bo Derek and Stevie Wonder, that's Monday, right?
Yes.
Later in the week.
Now, you can't tell me that show has been booked.
Are there people on that show Tuesday night?
Yes.
And who are they?
Well, no, no, no, no, no.
There is Hugh Hefner.
He's later in the week.
See?
Oh, my God.
It's ugly.
Run for your lives.
They're going to pull the plug.
Dave laughs it up with his guest, Malcolm Forbes.
Well, the promo people here are doing a wonderful job.
Well, so tune in.
Monday, we'll be coming to you from the Golden State with plenty of guests,
and we'll have more about that Tuesday night vacancy for you on Monday.
A recent survey reveals that America's top three favorite participatory sports
are
baseball, bowling, and a surprise third, crushing things with a 50-ton
hydraulic press.
Well, the people have spoken, and here is another all-new assortment of items
that we had custom-pressed for your viewing pleasure.
Archimedes once said,
Give me a long enough lever and a place to stand, and I can move the world.
We here at Late Night have a similar philosophy.
It goes like this.
Give me an 80-ton hydraulic press, and we can crush anything.
Well, that's what we're going to do here in a machine shop somewhere in New
Jersey
next to the Tick-Tock Diner, a festival of brute force.
What can you do to an alarm clock?
Well, that's an excellent question.
What do you do to shut off a noisy alarm clock in the morning?
Well, here's what I did.
I got one of these 80-ton hydraulic presses, put it right next to the bed.
When that happens, you just slide it right under there, and before you know it,
you're sound
asleep again.
Works like a charm.
Okay, let's have a look here.
Okay, let's have a look here.
There you go.
Make a nice broach, wouldn't it?
How about making something flat as a pancake?
I get it.
You'd like to see something flat as a pancake.
Well, how about pancakes?
And, oh, a little syrup, sure.
Morning, honey.
What's for breakfast?
How about something from the world of sports?
Okay, here we have a little something from the world of sports, the athletic
supporter, and
of course, the protective cup.
Breaking out in a sweat.
Oh, that's the sound every football player dreads hearing.
Oh, oh, my God, a cracked cup.
Oh, well, it's the chess club for junior from now on.
Something's striped.
Something's striped.
Good luck to us all.
You know what's really cool?
A human head.
I'm sorry.
We're not going to do a human head.
But, how about a Mr. Potato Head?
It's apparently made out of the same material that the athletic cup was made
from.
I'd like to see some kind of contest.
Well, this will be good.
Scientists have theorized about this one for years and years.
A competition between the baseball, the softball, and, of course, the coconut.
The ultimate challenge, never before tested, tonight.
I remember when I was a kid at home, 