Name: Paul Mooney on Letterman, October 6, 1982
Uploaded: 2021-05-21T17:39:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Mooney on Letterman, October 6, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Mooney on Letterman, October 6, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-21. Transcript available.

Thank you. Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen. My next guest is a very
talented writer, actor,
and stand-up comedian, which is what he is going to do for you tonight. He is
making his
first appearance on our program, and we're delighted to have him here. Please
welcome
Mr. Paul Mooney.
Hello, Paul.
Well, I'm glad to be in New York, I think. This is a great place. I love it.
Although
I know you guys are tough, because you killed King Kong. So, I don't, how many
people out
there are afraid to fly? I mean, okay, I am petrified. It's real strange. I fly
a lot.
It's real scary. A lot of times, I'm the only black person on the plane. That
can be even
scarier. I was on the plane once. True story. The pilot said, look outside. You
can see the
Gulf of Mississippi. I said, dear God, don't let the plane crash. Because I
knew it was
going to be trouble. We got 75 survivors and one runaway. Then it works in
reverse for you.
I was on the plane with 50 other black people. I asked the stewardess for a cup
of tea. She's
still looking for me. Give them all tea. The stewardess, they all kill me. I
said, if you're
afraid to fly, watch the stewardess. Because as long as the stewardess is
smiling and grinning,
I'm smiling and grinning. When she screams, I scream. And I love their control,
right? When
the mask comes, you breathe, you put on the little thing. I said, this is in
normal times.
What happens if the plane crashes? The stewardess will not remember her name.
Take my word for
it. You know? So you're on your own. See, all minorities are afraid of
turbulence. Turbulence
frightens everybody. And I just want once, I want all white people on the plane,
and I want
some black pilots to come on. We just flying and eating this chicken. I want to
watch everybody
try and walk home. We all have so much in common. All of us are paranoid. What
do we all do?
When we leave home, we turn on our lights, we turn on the radio. The burglars
know about
this. You might as well leave coffee and donuts. You got your lights on, they
can see what they're
still in. You got the music playing, they can dance while they're doing it. I'm
glad you
guys are laughing, because I really need this work, because it's Reaganomics,
and I need
a job. Believe me, I'm serious. I need a job. Thank you. I mean, fake it for me,
because
you don't want me to go back to my old profession. Nobody moves, nobody gets
hurt. Let's give me
a job. When I'm on stage, people say, hey, there's Paul Mooney, the comedian.
But when
I'm traveling, I carry this, the American Express application. They know
exactly who I am.
I was reading the paper today that someone saw Bigfoot. People are always
seeing Bigfoot.
It's real scary. All over the world. Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, vulnerable
snowman. They
see all these things, but it only happens in white neighborhoods. I just want
one black person
to see one monster and get on the six o'clock news. I saw it. I saw the cornbread
monster.
He had great big ol' eyes and butter bean shoes and greens in his pocket. I saw
it. Let us see
something once. We never see UFOs. You guys always see UFOs. I guess UFOs don't
land in black
neighborhoods. Maybe a long time ago, one landed in Harlem, and one of the
black people cut one of them.
Don't you bring your green butt back here. Or maybe because you guys are so
articulate that
when you talk about UFOs, even E.F. Henton listens. We were in the desert. We
were vacationing.
We saw something hovering. We saw bright lights. We heard voices. When black
people see these things,
you cross-examine them. We were in the desert. What were you black people doing
in the desert?
We were vacationing. You black people don't have jobs. How could you be
vacationing?
We saw something hovering. It's those wide hats you black people wear.
We saw bright lights. What color were they red? We heard voices. What'd they
say? Pull over.
It's the highway patrol. Get them out of my office.
Thank you very much. You've been very much.
So, Mr. Mooney, what have you been doing lately? Speaking of vacation, did you
vacation yourself this summer?
Yes. I've been having a lot of fun. I've been doing things I shouldn't do. I've
been vacationing with
my white friends, if that's all right. Sure. It's fine. I went mountain
climbing, which is scary.
Because black people don't usually mountain climb. They don't. And we sing
about it.
They sing about mountain climbing? Ain't no mountain high enough. You've heard
the song.
I like mountain climbing. I've also went swimming, too, and boating, I guess
you call that. Swimming and
boating and mountain climbing. You've been busy this summer. Oh, yeah. Water
skiing is scary.
I think it's funny that like in the water, sharks live in the water, right? And
no, when people fall
in the water, they scream shark. That's so stupid to me. That's where sharks
live. Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What should you yell if you fall in the water?
Dinner or soups on.
I mean, but no, because no, you shouldn't be there. It's like if I see a shark
on the freeway,
I'm going to run him over. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. That makes sense. And he's
going to holler car,
but I mean, you know, I mean. So what? I'm glad you could make it out here. And
you got to,
what are you doing when you go back to Los Angeles? Is that where you're going
back?
I'm going to be working at the comedy store in La Jolla. Listen, come back and
see us anytime you
like. Well, that's great. I'll do it tomorrow. No, no, not tomorrow. We'll be
right back. Paul Mooney.
Nice job, Paul.