Name: Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 7: 1982-88
Uploaded: 2021-06-04T00:19:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 7: 1982-88' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 7: 1982-88' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-04. Transcript available.

Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 7: 1982-88

But let me just mention one thing that people often ask me, as I'm sure they do
you,
well, who are your favorite guests?
And I always go to you because the dynamic that you bring to the show, for me,
is perfect.
You come into the theater and immediately put me on the defensive,
and I think the audience also is placed on the defensive.
And then we just sort of go from there.
And I like that.
I mean, it gives the impression that you are prepared, and we know, Lord knows
you're a busy man,
you're certainly not prepared, but it creates the impression that you are,
just with this little adjustment of your attitude, and I love it.
How much of the bit with Johnny Carson where I don't want to answer a question
that you don't have the slightest interest in hearing, how much of that was
real, and how much was playing?
Totally a joke.
Oh, okay.
It's always a joke. I would never do anything like that.
I mean, you know me, we know each other some, but I've certainly been on your
show over the years.
And I'm nothing like that.
It's just that, you know, with 500 people sitting there, you know, if we had an
obligation right now
to get huge laughs, which is what it was on The Tonight Show or David Letterman,
it's very hard to come out there and have the kind of easy, amiable
conversation, real conversation that you and I have.
So you almost have to instantly, what I feel, is get something going.
Because, I mean, if David had asked me, you know, perfectly good conversational,
hopefully fun stuff that you and I are talking about,
the demand there is different.
It's almost like you have to have the equivalent of jumping through a ring of
fire.
Right.
There is a motivation to get laughs, to involve the audience.
You're following like a circus with people running through the audience handing
out hams or something, you know, literally.
And, I mean, huge visual stuff.
So the only thing I can do is come on, you know, very, very angry about
something that just happened backstage.
And, of course, with my acting background, everyone thought something bad did
happen backstage.
And so the people that really got it the best were Johnny and David.
And they knew it was all a joke, but a lot of the audience, including friends
of mine, would go,
Oh, wow, why is he, he's not even like that in life.
Why is he so unpleasant?
You know, it was, it's all a joke.
This better be good.
This is good.
This is very good.
How's that, Mr. Grover?
How's that look?
Throw some mascara up there, will you, Blondie?
Mascara?
I'm sorry, I'm out of mascara.
You're out of mascara?
Sorry, you know your friendliness campaign?
It's so wonderful, it's such a great idea.
You're out of mascara?
Yeah, it helps people get along, like each other.
Is that your coffee cup on my friendly pamphlets?
Yeah.
What are you, crazy?
It's like a zoo in here.
Where's the producer?
Where's the producer?
What is this?
Late night, late night.
You people ought to be on at 4.45 to 5.15.
They're out of mascara in there.
They put coffee on my pamphlets.
Why don't you work more on producing the show and less on your permanent?
Hey, there's not supposed to be anybody in here.
You're out of here.
Clear this green room.
Come on, move it, move it.
Take these friendly pamphlets.
Come on, read these.
You can't read, can't you?
Come on, old timer.
Move it, out of here.
Out of here.
Come on, come on.
You're crazy.
Boys, people are screwed.
Which way they're going, don't we?
Thank you.
Thank you, Paul.
Hi.
Welcome back to the show.
And once again, our thanks to Mrs. Nelson out there in Loomis, Nebraska.
Charles Grodin is a very popular actor whose film credits include The Heartbreak
Kid, Real
Life, Heaven Can Wait, and Seems Like Old Times.
He is also a writer, a producer, a director, a member of the Porquettes.
And despite what we say or do on this program, a very nice guy.
Please welcome Mr. Charles Grodin.
You brought the cushions there, huh?
Well, as I see this show on television, you're, uh, look.
If I didn't have these cushions, I'd be here, right?
Yeah.
So, I have these cushions.
Oh, I see.
You get the feeling you're scolding your guests at the lower level.
Oh, really?
So, I feel better like this.
Well, now you look enormous.
Yes, that's the idea.
Heavens, I feel so insecure suddenly.
Yeah, well, that's how people feel who are on the lower, uh, position.
Are you comfortable sitting on those?
I'm fine now.
Let me just, uh, offer one suggestion, you know, of a talk show veteran that I
am.
Over your, uh, left shoulder, if you take a shot just of David here, you'll see
a dog.
That's right.
You see that dog on the wall?
That's right, I see the dog.
I don't, I suggest you don't have a dog, uh, behind you when you're hosting a
show.
Really?
It just puts thoughts in people's minds.
Well, that's interesting.
Uh, what, what is the nature of the thoughts placed in your mind?
The show is a dog, uh, or you look at it, or you look at an animal, uh, I mean,
I mean,
these are just the type of thoughts that you could have, uh, or people like to
look at
animals.
Yeah.
And, uh.
Do you find that distracting, actually?
It was to me.
I just looked at the animal.
What was the opening about?
The opening?
No, I found it distracting.
I, I would, I would not like to have an animal, uh, behind me, uh, or even with
me.
Oh, I.
Just to suggest.
You don't want to deal with it now, but, uh.
Well, maybe we do.
If you want to go backstage, I'll deal with the dog here.
Well, we'll solve that problem.
You can come out later.
Maybe take it down and put up, uh, nothing.
Just leave nothing there.
You don't know.
Well, that's, that's, uh, one of my dogs.
No, seriously.
Is it?
That's Stan.
That's your dog, Stan?
Yeah.
I want to, first of all, I want to congratulate you on the show, uh, and tell
you that, uh,
this is, this is serious.
I want to tell you something that happened the other day.
I went to a dinner party.
Yeah.
This is not funny, but it's true.
Okay.
And the hostess, uh, was talking about you, uh, in excess, really.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Uh, she talked about you.
She thought you were, like, real cute, adorable, uh, funny.
And the host, after about 20 minutes of this, uh, really was getting irritated.
Yeah.
And he, after about a half an hour, I'm serious.
It actually happened like this.
After about a half an hour, a dinner party of about 12 people, he called her a
bad word.
What?
He called her...
Then, um, she continued.
This is completely true.
Have anything to do with a dog?
No.
Completely true.
30 minutes later, she was still doing this.
David Letterman is the cutest.
He's the funniest.
He's the best.
You know, I didn't really like it myself, but I wasn't saying it.
But the host then called her an even worse word.
Didn't stop her.
And she ended the evening by saying if she could just see you and two things
she wanted to do
for her day would make her day.
See you and read the National Enquirer.
That's true.
I mean, that's just the point.
I don't know what that does for you, but it's better than the dog, Carl.
That would make her a happy woman, huh?
That's what she said.
So what I'm doing with you and my friendliness plan here is to start, like,
with the criticism
of your set and bring you up to, like, build you up to, you know, people like
you as much
as the Enquirer.
We've done a fine job of it, Charles.
I appreciate that.
We're going to interrupt here, but we'll continue.
More with Charles Grodin.
Well, welcome back to the show.
Charles Grodin is here, a fine actor, and we, at the beginning of the show, we
made reference
to your Let's Be Friendly campaign.
Well, you know, they called me up when they saw that I was going to be on the
show and asked
me how I would feel about doing what they call a cold opening.
Are you familiar with the term?
I've heard some people around the office use it.
And they wanted me, they said, would you come in and blow up and get very angry
so that
would be the comedy opening.
And I said I wanted to think about it because I didn't think being unfriendly
was going to
be funny, which I don't think it was.
No, I thought it was funny.
Was it?
I found it amusing.
Did you?
Well, I think, last night, actually, now that you mention it, you were
interviewing a fellow
who almost, who did die, right?
Yes, he did die.
Not while I was talking to him, but a couple of months ago.
He died and he's fine now.
So you said to him at some point, so you were dead, right?
Yes.
For the single best sensitive remark of a talk show.
So you would probably find that opening funny.
I found it funny.
Yeah.
Well, he was dead.
He knows he was dead.
And you were just reminding him and the audience that I, for anybody who tuned
in late, I'm
sitting here talking to a person who was dead and he's sitting here.
Anyway, the unfriendly thing, the reason I said I would do it is to show people
that unfriendliness
really is stupid.
But now it turns out it can be stupid and funny.
Funny.
But nobody wants to be stupid.
Yeah, even if you're funny.
But now explain the genesis of your campaign to make folks friendly.
Oh, I became aware sometimes in the last several years that how I was feeling
had a lot to
do with how people were treating me.
Seems like an obvious idea.
So I got together with Carol Burnett and we went around to various shows and
started to
talk about the idea of how we treat each other.
For example, are you treated the way you'd like to be treated?
Because you seemed like mildly upset to me sometimes.
I'm mildly upset most of the time.
Is that because of the way you're treated in life or something that happened a
long time?
I, well, I have, I'll go along with you on this.
I guess that that's the way I appear and that's the way people treat me in
return.
And so you're kind of, mean would be like too strong a word.
I don't see myself as being mean.
I guess others might use that word.
Yeah.
See, I think you come off like a, but I think that people.
I'm sorry, I come off like a.
And he called her a.
Oh, one of those deals.
Yeah.
No, the one thing that if I, if I could say one thing and then get off it,
because you
don't want to talk about friendliness too much on, with a late night audience.
You don't?
No.
No, late night audience are not interested in that subject.
I found.
In fact, people generally are not interested in this subject.
And your rating on a, on a show that comes on in this, in this hour is like, is
like a real,
like single digit, a low single digit to start with, right?
I mean, it is.
It's, it's a, it's the nature of the time slot.
It really is.
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, I hosted the, uh, tomorrow show.
I have one of those weenie teeny little, uh, figures.
They give you like a, a two or something, you know.
So you don't want to like hurt it further with this.
But, but, uh.
Gee, uh, Charles, we, uh, we really don't have much time for all of this friendliness.
But, uh, we'll pause and we'll come back and continue.
Hi, welcome back to the show.
Charles Brogan is here.
We've replaced that ugly eyesore, Charles.
Right.
You, that's my new picture.
I'm not in a new picture.
That is my new picture.
I like that.
Yeah, that's nice.
You always want to make reference to a picture, uh, when you come on a talk
show.
Yeah, you know, can I ask you a question about a picture?
I asked you this once before.
Did you actually see Sybil Shepard undressed?
What, you're going to old questions you asked me that worked in the past?
Well, I, I don't think that we ever got a, uh, a definitive answer.
And it's the kind of thing that recurs and haunts me.
No, I'll tell you something that did happen.
I ran into David Steinberg at a gathering and he said,
you're so good when you're on with me at the night show.
I said, hey, you asked me if I ever saw Sybil Shepard, uh, naked.
And with a question like that, I mean, it's a great question for a host to ask.
And I walked away, forgetting that you asked me that question and not David
Steinberg.
The answer to your question is, what was the question?
About 