Name: Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 7: 1989-92
Uploaded: 2021-06-04T01:05:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 7: 1989-92' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 7: 1989-92' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-04. Transcript available.

Charles Grodin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 7: 1989-92

Welcome back to the show.
I think we've got a pretty good show tonight.
Looks like a good one.
I think so.
Charles Grodin is our first guest, and then coach of the New York Knicks, Rick
Pitino
and Michelle Schacht singing Anchorage, a song that you wrote.
Yeah, and when I recorded it, it went nowhere.
For her, it's a big hit.
Our first guest is an accomplished actor whose films include The Heartbreak Kid
and also
Heaven Can Wait.
His most recent film, co-starring with Robert De Niro, was Midnight Run.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back the always effervescent Charles Grodin.
Charles!
Hey, Charles.
Good to see you.
Happy New Year.
Good to see you.
Do you consider Pat Sajak a threat?
No.
No.
You don't?
No, I don't think so.
Well, why would you invite me on, then?
Because I think that that proves what I said.
We'll take on a handicap, and I think we can still win.
No, you know, the reason I ask that is I haven't, which, what you're saying
proves my point.
I haven't actually been asked to be on this show other than as a last-minute
replacement.
Oh, that's not true.
Don't, please don't even, no, please don't even say that.
For about a year now.
Because we think that.
And after Pat Sajak came on with a lot of publicity, suddenly they called and
said,
all right, let's, let's, let's bring him out.
Because you know if I come out, it's going to be unpleasant for you.
No, I don't, I don't assume that it's going to be unpleasant.
Well, it will be, it will be.
You think so?
Yeah.
And I have to assume there must be some feeling of, you're feeling threatened.
Because why would they, well.
You're nuts.
No, no.
No, no.
Because I, I've known you, or have been acquainted with you for a long time.
We did The Tonight Show years and years and years ago when I hosted that show.
I don't think so.
Oh, you remember.
I don't think so.
I never do, you never hosted The Tonight Show when I was on.
And I always enjoyed you then, and I've always enjoyed your work and show.
Although why have I always been called as a last-minute replacement until Pat Sajak,
came on, and now I'll say, well, maybe we should get them and take a chance.
You know, I don't, I don't want this to get ugly, but you're just plain delusional.
No, I don't think so.
Let's say you're right.
Let's say you're right.
Why, when I came in tonight and tried to go into makeup, they said you had the
makeup
room from 5 to 5.30, which is the time you do that.
Why are you in makeup for half hours?
I have little things I do in there.
You got grill cream or something?
No, I don't have grill cream.
I just, there are little things I like to do in there.
For 30 minutes and the rest of the guests are in these little closets waiting
to get in.
Yeah, but a pro like you, do you really need makeup?
I have no makeup on, but you got 30 minutes worth of makeup on there.
It's a special at Earl Shy.
But you could do this show in your socks, pal.
Oh, I have my socks.
Well, good.
See, that's where I rest my case.
Now, anyway, Charles, I was reading here, I guess this is weekly variety.
This is the show business Bible, by the way.
Is it?
Yeah.
And it says here, referring to you and Robert De Niro in Midnight Run, it says
here that
you, what do you, Charles Groton deserves an Oscar nomination.
Kathleen Carroll, New York Daily News.
Congratulations.
I think that would be.
Do you, I know this is an unfair question, but do you feel like you do deserve
an Oscar for that?
Do you feel like I deserve an Oscar?
Well, um...
Have you seen the picture?
You haven't seen the picture?
I haven't seen it.
You probably heard it was too good and it would upset you to see it.
You know, the truth...
Well, what about that introduction and also Charles Groton?
You obviously don't think I deserve even to be here.
No, no, I heard that and also...
Are you having trouble at home?
Are you married?
Uh, no.
No.
I was once for 10 years.
I don't think so.
What do you mean you don't think so?
I don't think you were married.
I was married for 10 years.
Oh, that's right.
I read the book about you.
That's right.
That was a long time ago.
I made this poor woman miserable for at least two-thirds of that period.
In your adult life, you've never made a woman...
I was married as an adult.
How old were you when you got married?
I was 21.
What?
Now, don't make...
Don't make that little face there.
That's like...
That's a big face.
That's not a little face.
Everything you do is to diminish.
What you did to Harrison Ford's nose, everything you do is like that.
No, but I mean, have you ever set that close to a screen?
You know how much Harrison Ford gets paid to be up there on the screen?
Well, I'm not saying he...
His nose is all right.
Believe me.
It's just that if you actually put a rule to it, I'll bet it was three feet.
Anyway, now you've been nominated for Academy Awards before, right?
For Heartbreak Kid and for Heaven Can Wait?
No, I've never been nominated.
You know I've never been nominated.
But those films were nominated, weren't they?
Didn't they get a lot of nominations?
Heaven Can Wait and Heartbreak Kid?
Did they receive nominations?
Heartbreak Kid and Heaven Can Wait got 13 nominations between them.
So you must have had something there, like supporting...
I know, I never got nominated.
Well, this nomination...
I mean, if you get this nomination...
Why haven't you seen Midnight Run?
To tell you the truth, I tried to see it this summer at a theater near me.
And it was always so crowded, I couldn't get in.
Yeah, but a guy like you must be invited to all kinds of private screenings.
No, no, no, no.
But I will see it as soon as, you know...
It's not playing.
Better get an airplane or something, won't it?
It will be on that.
But people who I respect said that it was great and that you stole the film
from De Niro.
Do you have friends?
No, you say people you respect.
Who would that be?
Just people...
Who would you respect?
Because watching this show, you wouldn't get the feeling you have any respect
for anyone.
No, please.
Who would you respect?
I saw Albert Finney come out here once.
There isn't anybody a better actor than Albert Finney.
I'm not a better actor than Albert Finney.
And you treated him like he was also Charles Grant.
No, no, no, no.
Now, why is that?
Why don't you ever...
You're not in awe of anyone, are you?
That's why you're successful.
Well, sure.
No, of course I'm in awe.
And I guess what it is is just a front to hide my insecurity.
Is that what it is?
You're insecure?
Well, given that, then I'll behave differently.
There's nobody more insecure about life than me.
No, then I'm sorry.
Jeez, I got a fistful of problems.
Really?
No.
I ain't exactly Cinderella, you know.
No, well, then I'm going to behave differently.
Go ahead, ask a question, I'll be different.
We have to go to a commercial.
I'll see that, and I don't know what to do.
We'll be back here and see if Charles is still with us.
Archie Bell and the Drells from Houston, Texas?
Exactly.
Thank you very much.
Tighten it up.
Tighten it up.
So anyway, you may get the nomination.
That would be great.
You deserve it.
You're a terrific actor.
Great sense of comedy.
Great timing.
Great presence.
I hope it works out.
All right, thank you.
Yeah.
And you've been in neat little films, too, don't you think?
Really funny, nicely done films.
Neat little films?
Well, like Heartbreak Kid.
I don't think that was a blockbuster, but it was very entertaining, very well
done, I thought.
Maybe it was a blockbuster, wasn't it?
It was actually a blockbuster, yeah.
See, that's one of those rare cases when something of high quality is also a
blockbuster.
It's also a blockbuster.
Blockbuster.
What was it like?
Did we talk about you working with De Niro when you were here before?
Did you guys become close?
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Became close?
Yes.
Did we talk about it?
Yes.
Did we talk about it?
I don't know.
I don't remember what we talked about.
When was I last here before?
I don't know.
I don't even remember you.
You said you hosted a Tonight Show.
I don't remember.
Years ago.
That was in the 70s.
Remember that?
And you came up to me.
I remember I asked you once, I said, did you really see Sybil Shepard naked?
Was that who it was?
Sybil Shepard?
You're asking me?
Yeah.
Who I've seen naked?
No, never mind.
So anyway, what, tell me about this article you wrote for, Premier Magazine.
I wrote an article for Premier Ag...
Magazine.
Right.
And it's about how...
I don't want to tell you a story.
I see what you do when people tell stories.
You make faces.
You, like, do takes to the audience.
I'm not going to do that.
That's why I don't do that.
I won't make any faces.
I won't do anything.
I'll just sit here quietly.
Premier Magazine asked me to write an article.
I wrote an article about roles I've played in pictures and how I'm not like
those roles.
And they paid me $500,000.
For an article?
Yeah.
It took me a day to write it.
It took me a day to write it?
You made half a million bucks in one day?
That was net, yes.
It was actually $750 gross, yeah.
What do you make for tonight?
What is the subscription?
I mean, is it that widely read?
It's international.
It's like a blockbuster magazine.
Yeah, magazine.
What kind of money do you make in a job like this?
I get by.
You know, I get by.
You own a piece of the show?
No, I don't own a piece of the show.
Come on.
No, I don't.
Come on.
No.
I don't even own these.
Did I hear somewhere where they're talking about making movies with you?
No, you didn't hear that.
I did.
I read that in the paper.
No.
Wasn't it Disney?
No, nobody's.
Somebody there.
Well, Disney makes people movies, too.
But you were, they're talking about, they think you're going to be in a cartoon.
That's a better idea.
Isn't that true they're talking about you being in the movies?
Well, there's a deal, but believe me, there's no talk about me being in the
movies.
Well, there is a deal, though.
For you to star in movies?
No, not even star in movies.
It was just one of those things where, after a period of time, we carved out a
little deal.
Did you?
So you're going to attempt to be in the movies?
No.
No, I mean, they don't need me to be out there making bad movies.
Have you ever been on a sitcom?
I saw you on a sitcom, so don't give me any...
I was thinking I've actually been on two or three.
Yeah, and how'd that go?
Not bad.
I was the goofy newscaster on the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
Very good.
I remember that.
Yeah.
I think they bought it.
No, you were.
I think they went for that.
You were on sitcoms.
I remember you from the 70s.
And you were on sitcoms.
You weren't on...
I laughed.
You weren't...
You were funny.
And how about you?
Have you ever been on a situation, Tom?
I was on...
I was on...
No, no.
No, you must have been.
I bet you were on some.
No, you'll have to dig to get that answer.
We'll find out.
No, no.
We'll find out.
No, I've never done that.
I was in the Westerns.
I was a cowboy in the Westerns when you were coming out of high school.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I thought you and I were probably about the same age.
No, I'm 10 years younger than you are.
That's interesting that you're 10 years younger than I am.
How tall are you?
But yet, when I was in high school, you were already working in Westerns in
California.
Well, why don't I get that kind of respect from you if you were in high school
and I was
already working?
Why do you say it also, Charles Grogan?
You know, I don't even think...
Why do you treat everybody as though they're like dirt?
I didn't say...
I didn't say...
You're probably making a million dollars a show.
The guests come out here, you like attack them, right?
We can't get into the makeup room.
I didn't attack you, Charles.
First of all, a guy like you really doesn't need makeup.
You have a certain natural beauty.
I'm trying to think of her name.
The lady that was out here the other night, she's very...
Lauren Hutton was out here the other night.
She told a story and you made faces, you made fun of her.
Lauren Hutton is one of my d