Name: Steve Martin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 4: 1995-2003
Uploaded: 2021-07-01T18:48:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Steve Martin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 4: 1995-2003' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Steve Martin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 4: 1995-2003' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-01. Transcript available.

Steve Martin Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 4: 1995-2003

I want to tell you something big time.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Hey, big time.
Yeah, yeah, you, right there.
Hey, big time.
I kind of like that.
Yeah, that's right, exactly.
We got a great show for you tonight.
A lovely, a lovely woman and quite an actress
and one of the stars of a brand new film which opens.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's right.
Steve Martin.
Wow.
Thank you, Dave.
This is great.
Look at that.
Thanks.
Man, wow.
Nice.
Yeah, that's very nice.
Steve, first of all, happy holidays and my gosh, thank you.
Thank you very much for dropping by.
It's great to see you.
It's great to be here.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's funny that you're here tonight
because tomorrow night you're a guest on the show.
But I'm happy to see you tonight.
But tomorrow, yeah.
What's today?
Today is Thursday, November 30th.
Oh, my God.
I'm supposed to be at the White House.
Is that on?
Is that on?
Steve Martin, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice to see you.
Our first guest tonight possesses one of the great minds in all of comedy.
He has written a play called Picasso at the La Paz Agile.
And it's at the Promenade Theater here in New York City.
And he has a brand new film.
It's Father of the Bride, Part Deux.
It opens December 8th.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a good friend of ours, Steve Martin.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Stand up and bow again.
Thank you.
What do you think?
I don't know.
You're the man, buddy.
I'm either nervous or cold.
I don't know which one.
You're the man.
You walk out here.
The crowd goes crazy.
It must make you feel terrific.
And I can't, you know, I can't really thank you enough.
Whenever you're on the show, it's a special day for me and everybody here on
the stand.
Well, thanks.
You know, I can say that that really does warm me because, I mean, let's say,
let's put it this way.
This is the only thing I really get out of this show is I get some.
I get.
I get warmth from the audience.
Yeah.
I think the band really, really likes me.
I think they play their best when I'm on.
I think the world of you.
I think the world of you.
Yeah, well, right.
Sure.
But, uh.
Now, wait a minute.
What's the matter?
You don't need to be snotty with me.
No, no, I'm happy to be here.
What's the problem?
I mean, you welcome me and you did a very, very nice intro, which obviously was
phony.
No!
And.
What?
Well, look.
I was sitting backstage, thumbing through the top ten.
How did you get one of those?
List.
You got to pay for yours.
I'm sorry.
And it was hard chasing you down the street with the cart.
And I'm thumbing through and I'm laughing.
And then I find a couple that, well, they refer to me.
Oh, well, that's possible.
You may have been in there.
Yeah, but I thought they were kind of insulting.
No.
Well, I don't know.
Let me just pick a couple out here and just.
All right.
And see.
Maybe I'm paranoid.
I don't know.
For example, this one.
Top ten killer bee pet peeves.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that'd be good.
Number six.
Faint aftertaste of spoiled egg salad when you sting Steve Martin.
You know, it's just a joke.
It's only a joke.
I don't know.
The audience doesn't seem to think so.
Hey, you're on your own.
Or this one.
I knew that.
Even the band is now deserting.
Top ten signs you're on a bad cruise.
Number one.
Only entertainment.
Steve Martin.
What about top ten signs you're at a bad play?
Number four.
Program contains the phrase by Steve Martin.
No.
No.
And then I'm thinking, you know, yeah, well, maybe I'm just.
Oh, how about this one?
Top ten things Christopher Columbus would say if he landed in America today.
That's good.
Number three.
Is there something I'm not getting about Steve Martin?
No.
No.
And I thought, well, maybe, maybe I'm just, you know, I'm nervous about coming
on.
And then I find this one.
Top ten reasons Steve Martin sucks.
Oh, yeah.
That's a whole list.
Like number four.
Thinks crack is groovy.
No, that's not.
Or number one.
All that lovely white hair.
Baby seal fur.
I don't think that these are complimentary.
It certainly is a compliment.
We wanted to include you in the collection.
And I hope you take it in the right spirit.
Well, I'm getting paid for the show and that's the way I'm looking at it.
All right.
Wait, can we tell them we made this up?
They seem awfully nice.
We should tell them this was not actually.
They're not really in the book.
No, we made them up.
But they'll be in the next book.
Yeah.
Man, things are going very well for you now.
Yes, they are.
You have two plays in production.
You have another.
Couldn't afford to tie, though.
Another.
Couldn't get one.
Another film coming out.
Yeah, Father of the Bride.
Yeah, Father of the Bride, part two.
Many, many other things.
Let us do a commercial here.
And we'll continue visiting with our good, good friend, Steve Martin, right
after you look at it.
Steve Martin is here.
Kenneth Branagh and Goo Goo Dolls.
Let me ask you about one of the plays currently in production.
Did I get the name, the French, anywhere close?
La Pin Agile?
No.
It's, uh, I can't really say it either, even though I wrote it.
It's, uh, I say it as La Pin Agile.
What did I say?
You said La Pin.
La Pin Agile.
But it's one word.
It's not La Pin.
It's La Pin.
La Pin.
But I like to make it sound more Frenchy.
Yeah, well, you were very far off.
But it means, now, do I have the translation correct?
It means the Agile Bunny.
Yes.
And it's a bar in Paris that actually exists.
And I wrote a play about a fictional meeting between Picasso and Einstein in 1904
when they
were just young men.
It's a great idea.
Thank you.
Hey, get rid of this.
I'm happy now.
One little compliment.
Is this your, uh, your first, your first, first play?
Uh, that was my first play.
I have, uh, other plays opening in a couple of weeks downtown at the public
theater called
Wasp.
Yeah.
And, uh, and it's, uh, going really well.
How do people respond to these plays?
How do their reviews, what do people say to you about writing a play?
Something...
Oh, I've gotten a lot of good comments.
Uh, well, first of all, you know, there's a new word in the English language.
Um, that word is, um, that word is great.
And what that is, is people start to say anything, a movie, a play.
They say, hey, I saw your movie.
And they start to say, it was really good.
But in the middle of it, they decide that's not strong enough.
Right.
And they have to go to great.
So they go, it's really great.
You know, you hear it a lot.
I've had comments like, uh, I said, when it says, you know, they see the play
and then
they don't believe I wrote it.
And they say, uh, when it says you wrote the play, does that mean you wrote
every word?
Silly.
There's other, uh, yeah.
There's other things people say, but they're not really that interesting.
Yeah, okay.
Um, we saw this.
Somebody, I believe, sent this to us.
This is from, uh, we think Taiwan.
And this looks like an advertisement for something called Handsome Up.
And it, it appears to be a pneumatic pump device.
We're not certain exactly what the application is.
Nonetheless, there you are, right there.
I know.
As the spokesman for Handsome Up.
It's amazing.
It's a, I saw this earlier.
I had no idea it existed.
It's an ad for a penis enlargement vacuum.
Whoa!
I mean, and, you know, who do you sue?
I mean, who do you, what do you, what do you mean?
I mean, sue, where do you order?
Who do you mean, who do you sue?
Now, when, when, when Father of the Bride 2 opens in China, they're going, wait,
die from
penis enlargement.
What?
You are sitting on a gold mine here, buddy.
I mean, how can they do it?
I, I don't know.
Who should we use?
How about Steve?
He will never find out.
Well, buddy, we just found out.
You mentioned Father of the Bride 2.
Father of the Bride, the, the original, a huge hit, and this is obviously the
sequel.
Do you have a, I think people know the story, don't they, roughly, of the
sequel?
Of what?
Of the sequel?
Yeah.
Why should they?
Good point.
No, the story is, is that the young, my daughter gets pregnant by her husband,
and I had to
throw that in to qualify in these modern times, and, um, and I'm feeling very
nervous, and
I start to, uh, because I'm going to be a grandfather, so I start to feel old,
so I
go to the gym, and I dye my hair, and, and have sex with Diane Keaton on the
kitchen floor.
Diane Keaton plays your wife, of course.
No, I'm just talking about Diane Keaton.
Whoa, look out!
No, no, no, no, no.
This thing really gets your money's worth out of this boy as well.
Knock yourself out.
No, I mean, Diane Keaton, who plays my wife in the movie.
Exactly, yeah.
I have, theoretically, have sex with her character.
So, it's, it's another landmark in your life, a midlife crisis, your married
daughter now
having a grandchild.
Yes, and I, uh, brought a clip, and I feel that, uh, you know, in, in, in TV,
the, the
audience gets to see only a video clip that's so far away from the monitors, I
think it's
so unfair, and what I've started to do is carry my own projector around with me,
so they can
actually see the quality of the film, and sometimes, you know, you're walking
down the
street, and people say, Steve, you know, do you have a clip with you?
I'd love to see it, and there's no, no place that's not good to promote, and I'd
like to
have the projector with me.
I brought it with me tonight.
Oh, you have it here tonight?
Yeah, I'd like to bring it here.
I'll show you a clip.
Come on.
This is, uh, this is, uh, oh, thanks.
This is, uh, my own little home projector.
All right, this is, uh, and this is a clip from, uh, Father of the Bride 2.
We got the screen.
Father of the Bride 2, okay.
There we go.
Ready, roll.
There we go.
Start.
Good.
Yeah.
Not working.
Not working.
Oh, off.
On.
Off.
On.
This is not made by the handsome up people, is it?
Okay.
We got a problem.
Okay, so we don't have the clip.
You want to work on it?
You know, this would be a great time to ad-lib, wouldn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Sure it would, but I'm nearly off for the weekend.
If only there were two top comedians on the air.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It must be a Westinghouse.
Yeah.
Hey, there you go, that song, I don't know.
Guess what, we have time to do those bits we thought were too weak to do.
We're going to pause now.
Here we go, Dave, Dave.
Is it rolling?
All right, okay, here we go.
Here's the clip.
Oh, look at that.
That's great.
It's younger.
See the quality?
Yeah, this is just like being in a house.
Come here, Dave.
All right.
I want it a little younger, and I think maybe something really near, like, this
guy.
Now, watch this, how my hand goes here.
Oh, that's great.
Isn't that clever?
Wow.
Yeah.
She's very, very good.
Now, watch my toe.
This way.
The hand is going like this.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Your shadow.
I'm sorry.
No, that's in the film.
My shadow is actually in the film.
Yeah, you're actually in the film.
Now, watch.
There's a very funny bit.
Now, listen.
Now, watch this hair dye.
Now, listen.
Hey.
Hi.
Yeah, there you go.
Oh, man.
That's something.
That's great. Very nice. I'm glad it worked. We'll be right back there with
Steve Martin, kids.
Hey, how you doing? This portion of the program tonight brought to you by Handsome
Up Projectors and Power Pumps.
You know, Steve, I'm so happy when you come to visit us. The only thing that
troubles me is it seems to me there's a long period of time between each visit.
I know you're busy on other projects, but I want to ask you to come back more
often.
No, I'm not. Of course you're very busy.
Well, you know, it's very difficult to do the show because of the amount of
preparation that goes into it, the rehearsal time, and it's emotional.
It's interesting because people laugh. I don't think that they understand what
the process is, really, and especially for you.
You're a man who likes to make sure every last little detail is nailed down
perfectly and finished off properly.
Well, so are you.
Well, sure.
So we thought it might be an interesting idea and a great opportunity to give
you folks at home an inside glimpse