Name: Dave Talks to the Kids Collection, 1995-1999
Uploaded: 2021-07-03T20:20:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Talks to the Kids Collection, 1995-1999' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Talks to the Kids Collection, 1995-1999' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-03. Transcript available.

Dave Talks to the Kids Collection, 1995-1999

I'm having a seat. I'm not undressing.
Oh, please. Go ahead.
Paul, let me ask you a question. You have a lovely daughter, don't you?
I do. Two and a half years old.
Victoria Lily, as I recall.
That is your name.
Lovely little girl.
And sometimes, does Victoria Lily have her little kid friends over?
Oh, sure.
Is the house ever, like, crawling with kids?
She has what they call a play date once in a while, yeah.
A play date, and that's when the kids from the neighborhood come over and
everybody plays.
That's right.
And they have a little snack and so forth.
Very nice, yeah.
And the house is just turned into, like, a dump.
For a minute, yeah. Then you clean up and it's fine.
Now, do you find yourself, Paul, I know these kids are kind of young to
actually be chatting with,
but do you ever find yourself chatting with the kids?
I have, yeah.
You know that. Now, I'm thinking to myself, my position, the only time I really
get to chat with kids is when we have them on the program here as guests.
For example, Sparky Mortimer.
That's right.
Nine-year-old kid from Utah, and we took him out of school for about a year and
a half.
And Sparky covered the World Series for us, did a wonderful job.
And I was thinking, you know, Sparky was so nice and so personable, it might
not be a bad idea if one night, you know, like after the show,
we just got a bunch of kids, and I, me, Dave, you know, because the kids,
frankly, the kids love me.
Yes.
The kids are crazy about me.
Exactly.
There's a, there's a nine-year-old in the audience right there who's crazy
about me.
So, I guess it was about a month ago we did that.
We invited some parents and their kids to come here to the Ed Sullivan Theater
for the express purpose of just giving me the opportunity to visit with kids
from America.
Here, take a look at what happens.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Would you like to be a plumber?
Uh-uh.
Would you like to be a teacher?
Uh-uh.
Would you like to be a princess?
Uh-uh.
A fairy princess?
That's what I want to be.
I want to be a fairy princess.
I don't think you're ever going to be one.
Knock, knock.
There we go.
It's the knock, knock joke again.
Go ahead.
Who's there?
Red.
Red?
Red who?
Red House.
Red House.
Do you know who the President of the United States is?
President Clinton.
President Clinton and his wife.
Do you know his wife's name?
Hillary.
Hillary's going to prison, you know.
Well, something to do with the Whitewater scandal.
Well, all I know is she broke in.
I think she stole something from the church.
Try and guess my favorite food.
Now, come on.
Come on.
Just give it a try.
Come on.
Here, I'll give you a hint, all right?
Pie.
Try it.
Try and guess my favorite food.
Pie.
Nope.
Meatloaf.
I tricked you.
That's pretty good.
I think those knock, knock jokes look silly, doesn't it?
Where do you live?
As a young boy, not so very much older than you are now, I was raised by poodles.
Poodles?
Yes, French poodles.
I lived with a family of French poodles.
Do you believe that?
Sort of.
Do you like meatloaf?
Oh, man, it's tasty.
Have you ever had meatloaf in your life?
Huh?
What do you like to eat?
Uh, hamburgers.
Hamburgers, man.
What do you like in your hamburger?
Uh, and toys.
And toys.
Would you like to try on a wig?
No.
Oh, come on.
Let's try on wigs.
Oh, come on.
It's a lot of fun.
You look like Joan Lunden.
Hi, I'm Dave's sister.
Nice to see you.
Dave's not here.
Now talk to me.
Stop it.
Stop that.
All right, you're misbehaving now.
All right, just relax, will you?
Uh, are you all right?
Please, I'm begging you to stop that.
Just get a hold of yourself.
I have to go home now because I'm so old.
I'm very tired.
Don't dish yourself like that.
You'll be all right.
Thank you.
I feel better.
Thank you very much.
How many friends do you have?
Oh, about none.
No, you have friends, don't you?
None.
You must have friends.
A guy like you?
Nope.
I used to have friends.
What'd you do?
I accidentally pushed somebody down the stairs and they got a bloody nose.
Do you think maybe there's a lesson to be learned here?
Yeah.
And what is that?
Accidents happen.
Accidents happen.
It's as simple as that.
Accidents happen.
That's the kids.
We've got a great program tonight.
Ricky Lake will be out in a minute.
We'll do a commercial in return.
Thanks for dialing us up.
It's a great time of year, the holidays.
Everybody is excited.
But you know, you know, just walking around and being alive, you know that
really the people
who get the most excited during the holidays, of course, the kids, absolutely.
And, by coincidence, the kids love me.
Kids are crazy about me.
No kidding.
So I said to myself, why don't we, last week, invite some New York City area
kids right
here to the Ed Sullivan Theater.
We'll spend a couple of minutes chatting with the young kids about Christmas.
Here we go.
Take a look.
Do you like the elves?
Do you like Santa's elves?
Yes.
What do you feed an elf?
Um, food.
Food?
What kind of food?
Um, like broccoli.
Broccoli.
No, no, no.
Now you're being silly.
What you feed the elves is, of course, Purina elf chow.
Oh.
Chickle bells.
Yeah, I know that.
All right.
I'll accompany you.
You sing.
Ready?
Jingle bells.
Jingle bells.
Jingle bells.
Instead of asking for gifts, have you ever thought about asking for world peace?
Yeah.
Oh, you have?
Yes.
No, I haven't.
Take the gifts.
I'm sorry.
What does that say about me?
I shouldn't do this noise.
Hey, buddy.
What's your name?
David.
David.
My name's David.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wonder, how old are you, David?
Eight.
Is there a possibility, and maybe you know this, that your mom and dad named
you after me?
You know, that could have happened.
Give me a break.
What do you think I should buy my mother for Christmas?
Um, a clown shoe.
A clown shoe.
Sing it.
All right.
Jingle bells, jingle bells.
Jingle all the way.
You know, I think my favorite Christmas memory is years and years ago when I
was in prison,
Santa came to see us, and he was so very, very fat, and of course, in prison,
they have
no chimneys because the cons would be going over the wall left and right, out
and gone.
So anyway, uh, Santa came to visit us, and you know what he brought me?
And I'll never forget this, and it meant a great deal to me.
You know what Santa brought me?
No.
A carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
And it was the very best Christmas ever.
That's a nice story, isn't it?
It's a weird story.
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells.
You gotta be quiet.
You are not, you are not, you are not funny.
But you know what?
Everything looks weird.
Yeah, well, that's how I go through life.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Woo!
Ow!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fishy.
Fishy who?
Clown.
Fishy who?
Clown.
Yeah.
It's a work in progress, right?
Good, bad, please.
-Knock, knock, knock. -Who's there?
-Fishy. -Fishy who?
-Fishy who clown.
- -Do you like talking to me?
-You're annoying when it looks like that one.
-Well, don't -- You know, don't sugarcoat it.
-Look what I did. -Yeah, you busted the camera.
-Got my own subtle camera.
-You know, don't, you know, don't, you know, don't, you know.
-The kids seem to love me.
-Love you.
-No wonder.
Aren't they cute? -Oh.
-The kids for the holidays. -I love you. No wonder.
-Ladies and gentlemen, we have a delightful holiday program for you.
We're going to do us a commercial,
and we'll continue in a couple of moments.
Good to have you with us.
-My Christmas wish is that everyone buys my unisex cologne,
"Gee, you smell like Steve."
- -You know, there's so many wonderful things about the city of San Francisco.
Let me see if I can just mention a couple.
The Golden Gate Bridge, of course.
The entire Bay Area is just gorgeous.
Sausalito, of course. -Yeah, that's right.
-You have Alcatraz. You have the cable cars.
You have Coit Tower. What am I leaving out?
Fisherman's Wharf, North Beach.
It goes on and on and on.
But you know what? When I come to a new area,
a place that I'm not really that familiar with,
and if I want to find out what is going on, what is happening,
kind of, you know, take the temperature of the town.
You know what I do, Paul? -What do you do?
-I try, I make it a point, to talk to the kids.
-Ah. -Because the kids...
The kids do things. The kids love me.
-Yes. -Yes, we know.
-The kids do. -Of course they do.
-And the kids will always tell you what's going on,
so that's exactly what I did.
I took a couple of hours out of my hectic schedule
and spent an afternoon visiting and chatting
with San Francisco kids.
-What's your dog's name? -Margo.
-Is she nice? -Yeah.
-She ever bit you? -Yeah, a few times.
-Where'd she bite you? -In the kitchen, normally.
-How fast do cable cars go? Do you know this?
-Well, 250 miles an hour. -That's right, 250 miles an hour.
-I want to do the hula.
-Oh, you can do the hula. Oh, I'd love to see that.
-The hula, hula, hula. -Yeah.
-The hula, hula, hula, hula. -Right.
-The hula, hula, hula. -That's just great.
-That's just great. -The hula, hula, hula, hula.
-That's just great. Very nice.
Do you have a girlfriend? -No.
-Well, it depends on what you mean by "girlfriend."
I have friends that are girls. -Right, that's all I mean.
That's all I mean. -I have friends that are girls.
-Hey, relax. I'm not getting into anything.
-Yeah, that's all I'm saying. That's all we're saying here.
-All right. -You want to see if you can eat sourdough bread the quickest?
-Okay. -All right. Ready? Here we go. Go.
-You know, you have the kind of face and the hair that makes me want to do this.
-You like doing that? -Yeah.
-I'll do a little more. Do you mind? -Yeah.
-Okay, you make the noise. -I can't do it. -How are you doing?
-How are you doing? -I'm done. Look at that.
That'll come in handy one day. I have no idea why or how,
but one day you'll be glad you can do that.
-What do you want to do when you grow up? -Be an actor.
-Oh, you want to be an actor? Do you have, like, a tough guy look if you want
to be an actor?
It's very important you have to have a tough guy look if you want to be an
actor.
-What do you mean by "tough"? Do you want me to be like... -You have no idea.
-All bunch or something? -Yeah, I'll show you what I'm talking about.
You just don't get any cooler, don't get any tougher than this.
-Well, no, that looks like you have a sleep disorder. -No, it looks like you
have too much pie.
-What's your favorite food? Pizza? -Well, lettuce.
-Huh? -Lettuce.
-Oh, lettuce is your favorite food.
And this is pretty much what you have for dinner. -Uh-huh.
-Mom just puts out a head of lettuce. -Uh-huh.
-And where did you get that rock? -I got it on the beach.
That was fun, wasn't it?
I'm a regular Fred Rogers, aren't I?
-This is better than macaroni and cheese. -Oh, you don't need to tell me that.
Do you have brothers and sisters? -Two brothers. They always beat me up.
-Sounds to me like they're dopes. Do you ever say to them, "You kids are dopes!"
-You ever say that to them? -No.
-What do you say to them? -Words I cannot see on TV.
-What can't you see on TV? What do you call them?
-Buttheads and dorks. -Buttheads and dorks.
-Ooh, dork. -Dressing?
-It's okay. -Eh?
-Do you like to dance? -Yeah.
-Oh, yeah, me too. I'll dance if you dance. -Okay.
-All right. -Well...
-Take it a bit out of here.
Ba-ba-ba-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-
Hey, guys, ladies and gentlemen, it's the mayor of San Francisco, His Honor,
Willie Brown.
Nice to see you again, Mr. Mayor.
Mr. David Letterman.
Yes, sir.
On behalf of the people of the city and county of San Francisco, I present you
with this delicious loaf of sourdough bread.
Sourdough bread!
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Thank you again.
Thank you.
The mayor.
Well, that was nice, wasn't it?
Put somebody on the door.
We're going to