Name: A Tony Mendez Retrospective on Letterman, Part 7 of 7 -- Fixed
Uploaded: 2021-09-20T01:19:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Tony Mendez Retrospective on Letterman, Part 7 of 7 -- Fixed' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Tony Mendez Retrospective on Letterman, Part 7 of 7 -- Fixed' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-20. Transcript available.

A Tony Mendez Retrospective on Letterman, Part 7 of 7 -- Fixed

Yeah, exactly right.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's top ten list.
The category tonight, Top Ten Things I Have Learned Working for the Late Show.
Ah, it's a good category.
We're celebrating our tenth anniversary here at CBS.
Top Ten Things I Have Learned Working for the Late Show.
And now to present tonight's top ten list, ten long-time Late Show staffers.
Kids, come on in.
You can see this line up any time, any night, downtown, any station.
I'll say.
All right, Top Ten Things I Have Learned from Working for the Late Show.
Number ten, line producer Kathy Mavrikakis.
Most of audience, prison inmates.
What?
Is that true?
I never knew that.
Number nine, cue card boy Tony Mendez.
That moron couldn't remember his name if it wasn't on cue cards.
Uh-huh.
Number eight, associate producer Nancy Agostini.
I have utterly and completely wasted my life.
I have utterly and completely wasted my life.
Well, nice going.
Number seven, film coordinator Rick Sheckman.
Jennifer Lopez is a hellcat in bed.
Number six, makeup artist Michelle O'Callaghan.
The hours may be long, but the money sucks.
Now, wait a minute.
Number five, writer Gerard Mulligan.
We really are a family, and Dave is a crazy uncle.
Everyone is hoping we'll be put in a home.
Number four, stage manager Biff Henderson.
You don't need good looks or talent to get your own show.
What the hell's the matter with you?
Number three, my executive assistant Lori Diamond.
When Regis calls, Dave's in a meeting.
Yes, absolutely.
And number two, executive producer Jude Brennan.
All kidding aside, Dave really is an ass.
And the number one thing I have learned working for The Late Show,
musical director Paul Schaefer.
It's much easier if I just tell people I work for Leno.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The Late Show staffers.
We'll be right back with Bonnie Hunt.
The category tonight, top ten things I've learned working for Dave Letterman.
Yes, sir.
I don't know how many people we've had work here over the 25 years,
and the few years we worked at NBC, and then the years we worked here,
but a lot of folks, and you learn things.
I mean, every time you wake up and get out of bed,
unless you're a dope, you learn stuff.
Yeah.
So that's the category tonight, top ten things I've learned working for Dave
Letterman.
And this will be various people who have worked for us over the last 25 years.
Here we go, number ten.
This is makeup artist Michelle O'Callaghan.
Heart bypass surgery is a good cover for a facelift and hair plugs.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Michelle.
Top ten things I've learned working for Dave Letterman.
And number nine, my assistant Mary Barkley.
If Regis calls, Dave's in a meeting.
That's right.
Number eight, associate producer Nancy Agostini.
It wouldn't be Monday without Dave's fresh-baked banana nut muffins.
Mm-hmm.
That's exactly right.
Number seven, costume designer Sue Hum.
Just like Britney, never wears underpants.
Oh, boy.
She made it seem so sinister.
Well, gee.
You've been hummed.
Number six, stage manager Biff Henderson.
He may be demanding.
He may be difficult.
But at the end of the day, he's a real b****.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, Biff.
Number five, executive producer Barbara Gaines.
I'm declining to comment on the advice of my attorney.
Okay, fine.
Thank you, Barbara.
Top ten things I've learned working for Dave Letterman.
Number four, film coordinator Rick Sheckman.
Dave thinks everyone on the staff is named Doug.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you, Doug.
Number three, cue card boy Tony Mendez.
David Letterman es un viejo loco.
Se cree que lo mejor del mundo y lo único que es es un mamarracho.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much, Tony.
Number two, musical director Paul Schaefer.
I have wasted my life.
All right.
Thank you, Paul.
Thank you.
And the number one thing I've learned working for Dave Letterman, executive
producer Jude Brennan.
He'll always answer to, hey, a*****.
That's exactly right.
No underpants.
The category tonight on our 14th anniversary, Top Ten Things I Have Learned
Working at the Late Show.
Top Ten Things I Have Learned.
I mean, you learn things, not only from your family and your friends, but also
your workplace.
That's the category tonight.
Top Ten Things I Have Learned Working here at the Late Show.
And presenting tonight's anniversary list, ladies and gentlemen, say hello to
ten Late Show staffers.
Thank you very much.
Some I recognize, some I don't.
The category, Top Ten Things I Have Learned Working at the Late Show.
Here we go.
Did we open the thing, by the way?
It is open, David.
It's fine, thank you.
25 years.
25 years, yeah.
Top Ten Things I Have Learned Working at the Late Show.
Number Ten, coordinating producer Kathy Mavrikakis.
Kathy?
It's more fun to watch television than to work in television.
Boy, you can say that again.
Absolutely.
And number nine, film coordinator Rick Sheckman.
All the Late Show merchandise is made with toxic lead paint.
Mm-hmm, good.
Fine, thank you.
Thank you very much, Rick.
Thanks a lot.
Including his shirt.
Oh!
Number eight, associate producer Nancy Agostini.
Nothing.
What?
Hey, wait a minute.
I heard that.
I'm sitting right over here.
Number seven, cue card boy Tony Mendez.
Getting your own show has very little to do with talent.
Thank you very much, Tony.
Number six, assistant to me, Dave Letterman, Mary Barclay.
When Regis calls, Dave's in a meeting.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Number five, producer Sheila Rogers.
I've worked here for 14 years and Dave thinks my name is Brenda.
That's right.
Nice job, Brenda.
Thank you.
And number four, writer Bill Scheft.
I've worked here for 14 years and Dave thinks my name is Brenda.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'm confused.
And number three, stage manager Biff Henderson.
For a man who just turned 60, Dave is surprisingly senile.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
And number two, executive producer Jude Brennan.
It helps to have a high tolerance for bull****.
Top 10 things I have learned working at The Late Show.
Number one, musical director Paul Schaefer.
Dave's hair, plugs.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back with Senator Hillary Clinton.
Thank you, Paul.
We began August 30th, 1993 here at CBS.
Now, we've polled the staff and you know how uncomfortable that was.
Oh, I hate when you do that.
But it's interesting because they've had recurring thoughts over the run of the
show.
4,000 shows is a long time.
And a person can ruminate about their life and how it relates to the world and
to the show and on and on.
So what we have here tonight, the category Thoughts I've Had 4,000 Times.
And here now, presenting tonight's top 10 list, please welcome 10 long time
Late Show staffers.
Come on up.
Nice to see you, everyone.
Thank you very much.
It's a good looking group, isn't it?
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you for everything.
Okay, thoughts that they have had, recurring thoughts, 4,000 times at least.
That's the number of shows.
This is the number of times they've had those thoughts.
Please welcome number 10 supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis.
Another top 10 list?
Really?
Really?
Thank you, Kathy.
Number nine, writer Jill Goodwin.
Maybe today I'll get to meet Dave.
Well, maybe you will, maybe you won't.
Number eight, head of the prop department, Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen.
He's coming.
Hi.
It doesn't make any sense.
Number seven, creative director of digital media, Walter Kim.
Any openings at Wheel of Fortune?
Oh, there's openings.
Oh, yeah, there's openings.
Don't kid yourself.
There's openings.
Number six, supervising producer, Sheila Rogers, ladies and gentlemen.
What is Dave sobbing about now?
I don't, I don't sob that much anymore.
Number five, excuse the expression, cue card boy, Tony Mendez.
Someday I'll be holding cue cards in front of the camera.
What does that even mean?
Number four, stage manager, Biff Henderson.
What is this headset for?
Not all of these are jokes.
Some of them have been taken from real life.
Number three, head carpenter, Harold Larkin.
That balcony ain't gonna hold up much longer.
Okay.
Okay.
Number two, costume designer, Susan Hum.
Stop fussing with your tie, jackass.
And the number one thought I've had 4,000 times, it's our musical director,
Paul Schaefer, everybody.
I should have never left Canada.
Yeah, there you go.
Sheila, have fun in Nicaragua.
Thank you very much.
Biff, nice to see you.
Harold, great job.
Thank you.
Always a pleasure.
Oh, that's a lovely figure work.
Paul, my good friend, Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
There they are, the Let's Go Staters.
How about that?
How about them guys?
How about them guys?
Thank you very much.
Ah.
Well, Tony, please, let's save that for another evening.
Let's talk more about you.
How did you get your start in show business?
Well, one day I met O.J. Simpson, and he just showed me around, and before I
knew it, I had my own show.
All right, let's take some e-mail coming in now.
Oh, this one coming to us from someone in Seattle.
This is from a G. Miller.
And dear Tony.
Oh, yeah, dear Tony, you're an idiot.
Yeah, you are, Tony.
You're an idiot, right?
You're mocking me, aren't you?
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
Now, the other thing, for the last couple of weeks, I've spent every free
moment of my life surfing the net.
Oh, yeah.
I have visited 95% of the websites.
At least.
There's a couple that I haven't gotten to, but I've seen most of them.
And I want to tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, the only entertaining
thing on the Internet now, and I'm not talking about military secrets or
information or buying crap on eBay.
Gee, I'd like to buy a second-hand rake.
Well, hey, let me get in there.
Right.
I bid $18 for the rake.
Oh, nobody I'd bid.
The most entertaining thing on the Internet is the Tony Mendez show.
Tony, stand up and take a call.
There he is right there, ladies and gentlemen.
He has a show.
Here's your guy.
Every night, did you know?
Get out of here.
You got a...
He has a show on the website every night.
It's the only thing that is entertaining on all of the Internet, and Al Gore
couldn't be a bigger stoop if he's taking credit for inventing the Internet.
Yeah.
This right here, ladies and gentlemen, is the miracle of the millennium.
Is this for real?
Yeah.
He has a show.
Tony Mendez show.
Thank you.
Give him your...
Give him your WW.
Do you have a...
What's your...
What's your WW thing on there?
www.davesite.tonymendez.
Now, that ain't right.
That ain't right.
You ought to know the website.
I mean, you're all...
Huh?
I don't know anything about computers.
But he has a show.
Yeah.
Just have a show.
Yeah, but it's the most entertaining thing.
Dial it up if you can.
Is it on the...
I don't know how you're going to get to it now.
Is it on the CBS website or something?
A series of wild guesses, I suppose.
Is it on this...
The website for this show?
I don't know.
You know, I myself...
We'll get that information to you.
It'll be on our website.
The minute you get that website, Tony, let me know.
Yes, sir.
How many...
How long has the show been on?
It's been on for like a year and a half now.
Yeah, it's a nightly show.
You do a...
You do a very nice job.
Okay, I...
Are you enjoying it?
I know you put a lot of hard work into it.
Yeah.
Go ahead and whack it.
Let's go ahead and turn his lights out.
Whack him really good there on the skull.
Just...
Bing!
All right.
That really hurts.
No, that hurts.
Okay.
So anyway, yesterday we launched our newly redesigned website.
Because we'd had the original website for quite a while.
And people, you know, one of the comments we would hear from time to time is,
Why don't you redesign it?
It needs to be redesigned.
Yeah, that's right.
Not that there was anything wrong with it,
But the five or six people who kept dialing in said,
We're...
We'd like something else.
Part of it, yeah.
Redesign it, yeah.
That's right.
So we did that.
The Walter and Ted, Walter and Jay...
Yes.
Jay.
Redesigned it.
And here's how you get to it.
It's www...
A