Name: George Carlin on Letterman, Part 1 of 2: 1984-1992
Uploaded: 2021-09-28T01:14:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Carlin on Letterman, Part 1 of 2: 1984-1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Carlin on Letterman, Part 1 of 2: 1984-1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-28. Transcript available.

George Carlin on Letterman, Part 1 of 2: 1984-1992

Thank you, folks.
Well, it is truly a pleasure to welcome my next guest.
This gentleman is one of the most popular, intelligent, and funny comedians of
all time.
Please welcome to our show Mr. George Carlin.
George!
George, good to see you. How are you, sir?
Thank you. I'm fine.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Nice.
Nice to see you.
Thank you very much for being here.
You're from this area, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm a New York boy from Manhattan, Upper West Side.
And this floor in this building has a little to do with me, too.
I think it was about 24 years ago when I did my first Jack Parr show.
No kidding.
Across the hall.
Yeah, that's right.
In fact, Arlene Francis was the guest host.
I think that's one of the reasons I got on it.
But, yeah, this has a lot of memories of everything up and down at home.
Do you remember other guests on the show that night aside from the guest host?
Arthur Schlesinger Jr., the historian, and Artie Shaw.
Yeah.
Those are the only two I remember.
I don't know who the singer was in the first 15 minutes, remember?
Oh, yeah, that's right.
It used to be an hour and 45 minutes.
Right, and the singer would come on and leave and never be seen again.
And how did you do?
Did you, uh, big laughs?
Yeah, pretty well.
I had a partner in that.
It was Burns and Carlin.
Right.
And we did our Nixon and Kennedy.
It was 1960.
Yeah.
And we did our Huntley-Brinkley, Nixon-Kennedy, and killed them and weren't
seen again for
four years.
Uh, when you were growing up here and working here and maybe even not, do you
follow the
sports teams?
Did you?
Were you a big fan?
Well, this is a good time to be in New York now.
Oh, yeah.
With the basketball teams doing so well.
Mets looking good.
Yeah, I'm a sports fan.
Of course, I only care about the three real sports.
Baseball, basketball, and football.
The rest of those things aren't really sports.
Now, wait a minute.
They don't qualify as sports.
Hockey?
Hockey, not a sport.
No.
Well, no, let me explain it to you.
Nothing personal.
It's an activity.
Uh, actually, it's a combination of three things.
Ice skating, fighting, and the game of hockey.
My suggestion is that they should do these things one at a time.
Let them meet, play a game of hockey, go to the bar, have a fight, and then go
ice
skating.
All right, now, you're also excluding in here tennis and golf.
Tennis is a form of ping pong.
It happens to be ping pong played on the table.
Uh-huh.
Uh, soccer.
Soccer.
Can't use the arms.
How could it be a sport?
Yeah.
Any activity where you exclude the arms cannot be a sport.
Uh, no meaningful statistics in soccer.
Goal scored with your head is about the only thing I've seen.
Can't be a sport.
Golf.
Uh, golf, you hit a ball with a crooked stick and walk after it and hit it
again.
Yeah.
Doesn't sound like a sport to me.
Doesn't qualify.
Golf is where businessmen get together to decide how to screw the rest of us
out of our money.
Can't be a sport.
Would you, uh, any other rule changes or any new sports that you would be
interested in?
Well, I'd change a couple of rules just for interest, for, uh, entertainment
value.
In football, I think during the last quarter they should be able to use knives.
Little thing, but it might pick up the ratings.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, in soccer, I have a suggestion that one guy should have a motorcycle and be
allowed
to ride the ball into the goal.
You'd still have a goalie, but it would be up to him to stop the motorcycle.
Yeah, yeah.
Little thing, in, uh, in, uh, in baseball, I would, I would have, in the outfield,
20 or
30 randomly placed mine shafts.
Little excitement, too.
Just a really deep hole sunk in the outfield.
Yes, and every now and then a guy would go, zoom!
And, and how would you score that?
Uh, I think that would be an error.
Uh, all right, I tell you, I know you have some more thoughts about this.
I have some sports I'd like to suggest.
Okay, I'll hold them.
I'll hold those and we'll do a commercial.
And we'll be back with Mr. George Carlin.
Thank you, George Carlin is here.
Uh, I just, I just wanted to mention this.
I saw, uh, your program on a cable outlet in this country, which I guess it was,
been a
while ago now that it was actually.
It's about a year.
It's been on about a year now, yeah.
But it's terrific.
Thank you.
Very funny stuff.
All right.
Yeah, okay.
Um, new sports.
Yeah, this is, uh, on the order of the new rules, but it's a little, I guess,
uh, well,
they're actually sports based on existing sports.
For instance, cross-country bowling is going to be a bit longer game.
You can spend more time at the alley.
Uh, how about full contact chess?
Sounds good.
Kick golf.
We have kickboxing.
That's right.
Kick golf might be nice.
Uh, figure eight demolition wheelchair.
Would be voluntary, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, off-water boating.
Gee, I never, now how would that work?
Well, you have off-road racing.
Yeah.
So you just, you have, you'd have to have a course, uh, especially made,
obviously.
Oh, sure.
I haven't given these a lot of thought, David.
These are, you know.
But the germ of the idea is what's important.
And all of my job is just suggesting things, you know.
That's right.
Thank God I don't have to implement these things.
That's right.
You don't have to hire a committee or anything.
No.
Just come up with the idea.
Uh, you know, hang gliding is very popular.
Sure.
I thought hang fencing would be very interesting.
But, uh, I'll try to work on some of the rules, if you like, for later.
I can come back and fill you in.
Well, sure.
Yeah, if you can keep us posted on these developments.
I hate to just leave you hanging like that.
Yeah.
Uh, now, do you ever, ever, uh, of course, with a guy that is as recognizable
as you,
it must be tough for you to actually go see, like, a basketball game, a
baseball game, or whatever.
Well, I get to them, you know, as much as I can.
I'm not a fierce fan in that respect.
I don't have to be there, uh, to enjoy it.
I, I did have, uh, my heart attack two years ago came at a Mets-Dodgers game.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, and I'm, I'm really glad that it was a close game, because, you know,
those Dodgers fans leave early, usually.
And, uh, if they'd have been in that parking lot, I'd have never gotten to the
hospital again.
But I got out in time.
Yeah, I, I get, I get out to the games.
I, uh, uh, I forget what that was going to lead me into, Dave.
I had a, a real good thought about that.
Getting to the games?
Yeah, being, uh, being a real fan out there.
God, we'll just have to pass on that one or something, huh?
Do you want to, do you want to, you can pass on it and go on to the next
category, or we can consult, uh, an expert.
Well, I'd like to go on to the next category.
Okay, let's go on to the next category.
Because the next category is something that's dear to my heart.
Well, now, this is for me also.
This is auto racing.
Yeah, and, and you're an Indianapolis fellow.
That's right.
Uh,
I have a Jackie Stewart impression that I do.
It's the only impression I do in my, uh, life.
And it's, uh, kind of special.
I'd like to do it from, from the seat here.
I, I, you know, I will.
Jackie Stewart, of course, being the Scottish, uh, ABC announcer.
Right.
I have to, I have to work into this, because the voice doesn't accommodate it
automatically.
This is Jackie Stewart.
Jackie Stewart here at Talladega Raceway.
We're at Talladega Raceway.
Hold on, wait a minute, no.
Wait a minute, there's a car on fire in the Fartorn.
It's Mario Andretti's car.
Mario Andretti's car is on fire in the Fartorn.
Here comes A.J.
Foyt.
Here comes Kelli Abro.
They're all on fire in the Fartorn.
You know, that, that more than makes up forgetting, uh, what that last category
was.
I think I was, I forgot the other, because I was so anxious to do Jackie.
Yeah, well, you did a fine job.
I have something to finish with from the spot, if you don't mind, and it deals
with sports.
I'll, I'll say goodbye to you now and see you another time.
Thanks for having me here.
George, thanks for being here.
Yeah, I'll see you.
Let me try this from over on the, uh, monologue spot.
This is just a comparison of baseball and football.
Uh, it occurred to me that these two activities, baseball and football, are
very much, we consider
them very much a part of our lives.
In fact, we argue about which one is the number one sport.
And yet, they're so different.
Uh, and you can tell from the, the, uh, terms that are related to them.
Baseball is 19th century.
It's pastoral.
19th century.
Football is 20th century.
It's technological.
Uh, baseball is baseball.
Football is played on a diamond in a park.
The baseball park.
Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium.
War Memorial Stadium.
In baseball, you wear a cap.
In football, you wear a helmet.
Baseball has a seventh inning stretch.
Football has a two-minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit.
We don't know how long it's going to last.
We may have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we have to go to sudden
death.
Football is based on downs.
What down is it?
Baseball is based on ups.
Who's up?
Are you up?
I'm not up.
In football, you get a penalty.
In baseball, you make an error.
Whoops!
In baseball, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling.
Emotions may run high, but there's not that much unpleasantness.
In football, in the stands, you can be sure that at least 27 times during the
game, you
are capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
Preferably a stranger.
Now, to sum it up, the object of the game is quite different.
In football, the object of the game is for the quarterback, known as the field
general,
to be on target with his passes, riddling that defense with an accurate aerial
attack
in spite of a blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun.
With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy
territory,
balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack,
which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball, the object is to go home.
I'm going home.
My first guest is one of the funniest men around.
He has a new show on HBO called Carlin on Campus and an album of the same name
right here.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to welcome back to our show, George Carlin.
Hi, George. Good to see you. How are you?
Nice to see you again, sir.
You got stuff?
Yeah.
Congratulations. You got another fine show on this cable deal, don't you?
Thank you, yes.
And your album, let me ask you about the album label.
That's my own label. I finally have my own label.
It's Eardrum Records, and our slogan is stick it in your ear.
And finally we get to make sure, you know, that they get promoted a little.
Oh, good. That's all I wanted.
All right. And you have stuff. You want to talk about the stuff?
No, let's just, you know.
All right. Now, you're back in New York. Do you like coming back here?
Oh, sure. Yeah.
I was born in New York, and I spent about 25 years here before I finally hit
the road, and I get back a lot, you know, and I like it.
I like California, but I like that sort of magic that New York has.
First thing I do when I get here is take a walk. I got in late last night and
took a long walk looking for the people on the streets.
You know, this is certainly the place for them. Found some interesting folks.
Walked up the east side, up along 2nd Avenue.
Got up into the 70s, and there weren't too many people out. Fireworks were over.
People were headed back for Queens already.
And I saw a guy about a block away. Didn't look too stable, you know, sort of a
little of the weaving. No wind, just a little weaving.
And I said, okay, this will be fun. Another guy on the street. And as I got a
little bit closer, I saw that he was kind of bad off, you know.
He had bad clothes, tattered clothing and everything. And he was really dirty.
He had a beard. And very dirty, you know.
He was so dirty, you couldn't tell his race.
Yeah.
And got a little closer. I figure he's going to ask me for some mon