Name: Alan Kalter Highlights Collection on Letterman, 1995-2015
Uploaded: 2021-10-31T17:34:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alan Kalter Highlights Collection on Letterman, 1995-2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alan Kalter Highlights Collection on Letterman, 1995-2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-31. Transcript available.

Alan Kalter Highlights Collection on Letterman, 1995-2015

So we're now going to turn on the autopilot system, engaging it now.
My hands are now off the steering wheel, my foot is off the accelerator.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him, you can't live
without him.
You've heard about him, you've read about him, you've seen him on color TV,
America's favorite television announcer, the man with the red hair and the
golden throat, Alan Coulter!
Come on, everybody, make some noise!
Can't hear ya!
Yeah, come on, go!
Yeah!
Okay!
Why?
Now, Alan...
Yeah!
What was that?
That's my new entrance!
Okay, well, number one, I think we all enjoyed it, but we're not doing it again.
And number two, you've got to clean up the...
Look at that, you've got to clean up the mess.
You want me to clean up that mess?
That's right, right now.
Clean it up.
Man!
Man!
We have other guests.
You want me to clean up that mess!
Yes, you've made a terrible...
You've embarrassed me and the show.
And it's...
Not now!
Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Schaefer!
Tom and Jerry...
What's your favorite intro that you ever got?
You really want to hear it?
Yeah.
It was a long time ago in Los Angeles, California.
There was a show on the air called Emergency.
And they were doing a rap party.
And they needed a stooge to come in and tell jokes to drunks.
Pretty much what I'm doing now.
Now, a member of the...
I'm straight.
A member of the crew had recently undergone very touchy open-heart surgery
and was just about to check himself out.
I mean, out of life.
He was...
So, what they had done, just before Eats,
they had rigged up a phone call from the man's hospital room
over the PA to the audience.
And the master of ceremonies said,
Well, God bless you, Norman.
And we know your wife and your kids.
And they'll all be taken care of.
If anything, God forbid, goes haywire.
We've got the fund.
And on and on and on.
Round of applause.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, before we open the buffet line,
I haven't seen him, but they tell me he's funny.
A young guy, Don Leherman.
Don, come on out.
And then, that was it.
And that's the worst.
It's not Leherman.
No, it's not Leherman.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
We'll be right back, folks.
And then we'll let them talk.
From New York, who the hell am I?
Who the hell am I?
It's The Late Show with David Letterman.
Tonight, Jeff Foxworthy, actor Kevin Spacey,
and musical group Collective Soul.
Plus, Paul Schafer and the CBS Orchestra.
And now, God, don't let me screw this up.
Don Leherman!
Kerman!
Tony Mendez had a horrible accident over the weekend.
What?
Fell asleep with his head in a bucket of bleach.
What?
Yeah.
Look at that.
Just unbelievable.
Wow.
That's some head.
So let's take a, let's take, give it a shot of the whole look here.
I'm telling you, and don't take this the wrong way.
Now what's going on?
We're in musical chairs.
We look like one of the Keebler elves, and I mean that as a compliment.
See, they got the short pants on, and there we go.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, here in my left hand from the home office in Grand Rapids,
Michigan,
I have a copy of tonight's Top Ten list.
Let's go.
I had that pizza dust on my, it looks like I need some of your Desinex or
something, Paul.
Come here.
What?
I'm the only thing on CBS right now.
Hey, some giant bird in a tie.
The category tonight, ladies and gentlemen, from the home office in Grand Rapids,
Michigan,
Top Ten Signs That Your Picnic Sucks.
All right.
Memorial Day, there's a picnic day.
Fourth of July, that's also a big picnic day.
And Labor Day, probably, maybe the big of the big three, wouldn't you say?
Oh, absolutely.
All right.
Top Ten Signs Now.
If you had a picnic today on Labor Day, Top Ten Signs Now.
The picnic you attended or hosted sucked.
Here we go.
Number Ten.
Whenever there's the slightest breeze, Peter McNeely falls ass first into the
potato salad.
Number Nine.
The blanket you're sitting on is from Heidi Fleiss' place.
Number Eight.
The caraway seeds in the coleslaw look suspiciously like deer ticks.
Number Seven.
Your picnic companion is inflatable.
Well, that's not necessarily such a bad thing.
Number Six.
That red dog from the beer commercials gets drunk and tries to mate with your
roast chicken.
Number Five.
Your original campfire has now consumed 5,000 acres.
Number Four.
You have to spend all day consoling a weeping Larry Fortensky.
Number Three.
Instead of mayonnaise, elderly aunt has used Vicks VapoRub on sandwiches.
Number Two.
In Mix Up, your picnic chest contains Larry Hagman's liver.
I forgot.
I'm sorry.
I forgot all about it.
Paul, I made a terrible mistake.
What happened?
Well, we have a new announcer tonight.
Yes.
A brand new announcer.
Alan Calder.
And he was supposed to read the numbers.
That's right.
He was going to read the numbers.
I am so damn dumb.
Alright.
Alright, now here.
We're only -- we got one left.
Okay.
Alright, so you just read the last number.
I won't tell you what it is so people will be surprised by the number.
Okay, here's our --
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This thing's coming apart at the seams, ain't it?
Alright, sir.
Our new announcer, Alan Calder.
Alan, welcome to the show.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Dave.
Had a terrible accident over the weekend.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What happened?
Fell asleep with his head in a bucket of chili.
Stop it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm just -- I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to make jokes.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Okay.
Good job.
Okay, here we go, Alan.
Take it away.
And the number one reason your picnic stops.
O.J. keeps accidentally hitting people with lawn darts.
There you go.
The very first day on the show, I was told I wouldn't be on camera much
because Bill Wendell, who preceded me, was not on camera.
The first day I was on, he said, "Paul, I don't think you in the audience at
home know
who our new announcer is.
I'd like to introduce Alan Calder."
And I was on the side.
I was on with my new suit.
I had everything in my pockets.
A great-looking tie on.
It was terrific.
And that was it?
I thought.
And he said, "Terrific.
Thank you, Alan.
May you be with us for many years."
And then, just before the first commercial, he said, "So we'll be back with our
first album."
And it's the Olympic diving champion who will be diving off the building here
at the Ed Sullivan Theater
into a pool that Nike put out for us on 53rd Street.
Wait a minute.
Alan, do you swim?
Next thing I knew, he was holding me by the wrist and dragging me towards the
pool.
And I was giving my wallet out to strangers, my beeper out to strangers,
everything out.
And he said, "Dive in."
Dive in?
Yeah.
So I dove in.
And then I was on my back doing the backstroke, looking at a camera up there,
going, "So this
is what it's going to be like being an announcer for David Letterman."
That was first day.
Hey!
How you doing?
Welcome back to the program.
Annie Lennox.
And stay tuned, because right after Annie Lennox, this lovely woman, Carrie
Hutchinson, we're
engaged, by the way.
She's going to be diving off the building into that tank of water out there on
53rd Street.
And I've been asked to remind you, because we are right in the middle of a
drought here
in New York City.
The water, and this is true, is being donated.
Right after the show, it's being donated.
Somebody gets 80,000 gallons of that.
Right.
I think a local hospital is getting it.
I love it.
Anybody want to get in the tank?
Seriously, would somebody like to get in?
Anybody?
You'll get in?
Come here.
You'll get in?
Can you swim?
Can you swim?
All right.
Come up here.
Alan, you want to get in?
Will you get in?
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Hi.
What's your name?
You want to know?
Yeah.
I asked you your name.
Brandy.
Brandy, nice to see you.
You'll get in the tank?
You can swim?
All right.
You won't make a fool of yourself?
Alan, you can swim?
All right.
You either can or you can't.
It's not an "ah" kind of question.
All right.
Annie Lennox, Carrie Hutchinson, and Wesley Snipes will be here tomorrow.
And Lenny Kravitz.
All right.
Don't do anything and drown.
It'll give the show a black eye.
You know, if you drown in it.
No.
All right.
All right.
Here we go.
Paul, cover us.
We're going out.
You have to be very careful.
Oh, here it is.
Right here.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Alan, you want to go in first?
You better go in first.
Oh, thanks.
I'll hold the water.
All right.
Hurry up.
Go right up.
Sure.
Whatever you have.
I'll take your valuables.
We'll see that you get those back.
Okay.
Hurry.
We have to do a commercial, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right there.
All right.
We'll take your valuables.
Sure, whatever you have. I'll take your valuables. We'll see that you get those
back.
Okay, hurry. We have to do a commercial, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back here with Annie Lennox.
All right, go. Let's go. Just get in. Just get in. Here.
All right, man. Are you okay? Thank you very much.
Brandy, that was very nice of you. Are you freezing now? Thank you, Alan. Great
job.
And I'm told that since you went in fully clothed that they've ruined their
shoes
and it's just too bad we don't know somebody who could give them free shoes.
Hey, look, the bear got granny.
Trying it in a different accent now.
I enjoyed that one. Oh, thank you. You're the only one. I know.
Letter number two. Hi, Dave. I was wondering how many pairs of sunglasses does
Paul have
and why does he wear them inside?
From Robin Smith, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
Great town, great country, great province.
Paul, a question about you and your sunglasses.
Many, many nights you have the sunglasses on.
Why do you wear them indoors?
Just for fun, really. I like the way they look.
Yeah, yeah.
Glad we took time for that.
Wait a minute. Let me try again.
I'll get your feelings hurt. You did what you could. I appreciate it. That was
fun.
That's an honest answer.
Alan Coulter, our announcer, he wears the sunglasses.
Alan, what about you? Paul wears his indoors just for fun.
Why do you wear yours like that?
Dave, my eyes are light sensitive.
Is that right?
Look.
That's pretty good, ain't it?
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
All you could come up with is, you know, for fun.
He's got props.
I know.
Geez, Alan, your eyes are completely white, buddy.
Well, you're right about that, Dave.
And it's thanks to this.
Alan Coulter's super strength visine with bleach.
Alan Coulter's super strength visine with bleach when you want to look like a
damned freak.
Creepy.
A little too creepy for me.
Finally, letter number four.
Dear Dave, is it me or is Alan Coulter just a big red-haired freak?
Andrew Majewski, 301 9th Avenue, New York City.
And, uh, 0034.
He's talking about our announcer, Alan Coulter.
I don't, I don't know.
I wouldn't consider Alan a freak.
He's, uh, obviously, Alan, the man has red hair, but I don't think he, uh,
would.
Dave, is there an address on that letter you have there?
Oh, yeah, right here.
Uh, 301.
301.
9th Avenue.
9th Avenue.
Dave, I'll be right back.
Yeah, 1, 2, it's right here on the west side.
Wait for me.
Andrew Majewski?
Yeah.
I think that was a little harsh.
Yeah.
You made good time coming back, though, didn't you?
Thank you, Dan.
All right.
Let's do the, uh, top ten list.
Here it is, ladies and gentlemen.
Okay.
Uh, I mentioned this earlier.
Charlton Heston is the president, the new president of the National Rifle
Association.
Here we go.
The category tonight.
Top ten Charlton Heston pickup lines.
Uh-huh.
If you were going to go out looking for a girl dating, you know, these would be
the top ten Charlton Heston pickup lines.
All right.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Want to break some commandments.
Number nine.
Whoa.
Are you from the planet of the babes?
Number eight.
You have the right to bear my children.
Number seven.
There's no five-day waiting period for this handgun.
Number six.
Number six.
Number six.
Uh, want to see me turn a snake into a stick.
Number five.
I know a secluded spot in the woods where we can riddle each other with bullets.
Number four.
My films ain't the only things tha