Name: Viewer Mail Collection on Letterman, 1982: Part 2 of 2
Uploaded: 2022-01-12T20:54:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail Collection on Letterman, 1982: Part 2 of 2' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail Collection on Letterman, 1982: Part 2 of 2' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-12. Transcript available.

Viewer Mail Collection on Letterman, 1982: Part 2 of 2

And I believe all that's left to do right now is introduce Mr. Paul Schaefer,
ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, David, yeah. This is the way the world looks to me all the time. I feel
right at home tonight. Yeah, see the show, all right.
Oh, Paul, how are you, Paul? I'm a little dizzy, actually. A little dizzy from
those? Well, don't you worry about it. It's nothing sustaining.
As you may know, every week we like to go through our actual viewer mail and
carefully separate the most intelligent and thoughtful letters.
Then we throw those away and put the rest of them on the air. So tonight we're
going to take a look at this week's leftovers, shall we?
Letter number one, it says here. Oh, this comes to us from Anita Shepard and
Jeff Lieber, Las Vegas, Nevada, Paul.
Las Vegas? Have you ever worked Las Vegas? I love it out there. I work there an
average of about, so far, no weeks a year.
Oh, great. Anita and Jeff write,
During your one-minute monologue, do you know the lighting, the lighting is so
bad we can barely see you? Is the budget so low on your show you can't afford
to replace the burned-out bulbs on the spotlights?
Well, I don't know. I've never really considered it. It seems a little dark.
Does it seem a little dark?
Yeah.
Seems a little dark. Let me go see if I can do something about that for you.
Walk over here and find out what we can do.
I'm sorry, you're going to have to pedal a little faster. It's dark out here.
Pick it up a little bit.
Letter number two comes to us from Ed Schwab.
I was reading the fascinating article on you in Rolling Stone magazine and was
interested about your supposed ability of sticking pencils in your ceiling in
your office.
I'd love to see how that's done. Mr. Schwab is writing in reference to this
photograph that was recently in this publication.
And is that close enough?
There I am, seated in my office.
And up here in the, right over there.
There. Is that the pencils?
Okay, and you can actually do that.
That's how I put myself through college.
I'm going to show you how to do it.
If you guys can, ooh, go ahead and put the, ooh.
Yes, sir.
Okay, now this is, this is actually a little dangerous, so let, let me caution
you folks at home if you're going to try this.
And believe me, you will be trying it.
Take some pencils. I like to get a nice sharp, this is a number two.
These are the NBC pencils.
And we have the simulated ceiling up there.
And you kind of lean back like this.
A little, can we have it just a little higher over there, please?
Just on your end, Tommy.
Oh, my.
Okay.
And a little, can we have a little drum roll, Steve?
Okay, go ahead.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You guys want to put that down there now?
I'm getting out of here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much for it.
And, of course, with the leftover pencils, I always like to do that.
Uh, where are we?
Uh, oh, letter number three.
Uh, Paul, I think this one, uh, requires, requires your assistance.
I have a fiancé who is, uh, great in every respect, except that her dad plays
in bed.
Bad...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Plays in bad, bad civic music groups.
First, the horrible out-of-tune community orchestra.
I could barely stand it, and you couldn't.
Second, now he's in a community band that plays wrong notes.
My question is, what should I do?
Thank you very much.
This comes from Steve Blair, Austin, Texas.
We're going to call this guy and find out what, uh, Paul can do by helping him
out.
Uh, come on over here, Paul.
I'll dial one first.
We're calling Austin, Texas.
Anybody here from Austin, Texas?
Yeah, I am.
Oh, good.
Well, you've won yourself a handsome pair of 3D glasses, sir.
Congratulations.
We're calling Martin Schmookler.
Can you come...
Will Lee is from Austin.
Will Lee is also from Austin?
I'll ask about you, Will.
Martin Schmookler, ladies and gentlemen.
We're calling him...
Can we hear the ring?
Hello.
Hello is Mr. Martin Schmookler.
There, please.
Uh, that's me.
Uh, Martin, my name is David Letterman.
I'm calling from New York City.
How are you tonight, sir?
Oh, I'm fine.
Uh, we got a, uh, piece of mail here from someone named Steve Blair about your,
uh, musical,
uh, abilities.
Yep.
And, uh, uh, what we thought we would do, if you don't mind, if, if you could
play a little
something for us and then our own musical director, Paul Schaefer, will be
happy to evaluate
it for you.
Well, what I have is, uh, I happen to have a recording of, uh,
a group that I pray in.
Uh-huh.
Well, that would, that would be good.
Uh, just go ahead and, uh, play it there to the phone and I'll, uh, turn you
over to
Paul.
Here's, here's Paul Schaefer now, sir.
Oh, okay.
It's Mr. Schmookler, Paul.
Is that bad?
Okay.
Okay, great.
Here's some hip, hip voices in there.
Come here, some hip voices.
Yeah, uh, uh, Martin, uh, Paul thinks it's pretty good.
Stick with it.
Thank you, Martin.
Yep.
Yes, and you certainly couldn't ask for better fidelity.
Now, um, finally, uh, we have, uh, another letter.
This was actually from our own late-night staff.
Dear Dave, we're all sorry to hear that cameraman Ben Franklin is retiring
after this show.
We've enjoyed his work with NBC through the years, especially the way he
photographs the
letters on the viewer mail segment of your show.
Could you possibly have a retrospective of his work?
Signed, of course, we here at the late-night staff, New York, New York.
Well, we're all sad to see that Mr. Franklin is leaving after such a fine
career,
and it certainly would be a pleasure now to show you a retrospective of the
television magic
that Mr. Ben Franklin has helped create in his long career here at NBC.
Thanks for the memory of Rickshaws in Japan, artificial tan, vermouth and gin
and pictures
in La Vie, Paris, yeah, how lovely it was.
Thanks for the memory of tinkling temple bells on the modern yells,
of Notre Dame and Towson, all the best hotels, how lovely it was.
We could laugh over big things while our point is my own latest sight of...
You're leaving soon, right?
Uh, yes, right after the show.
Well, good enough.
Have a nice retirement.
Thank you very much for your help.
Thanks so much.
Nice working with you.
Yes, sir, any time.
Ben Franklin, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back with Andrea Martin.
We're going to take a look at some people you will not be seeing on the show,
and tonight we have a special guest visitor with Paul Schaefer on our band.
Paul, introduce your friend, if you will, please.
I would be thrilled to, actually.
This is, uh, this is so loose that, you know, a nutty guy just came by to sit
in.
To sit in with us tonight.
It's Mr. John Helliwell of Super Tramp is with us.
And we will be talking to Mr. Helliwell.
When he heard about the fight last night, he said,
I've got to get down there and get in on this stuff.
So he's here tonight.
Now what do I do?
Oh, oh, and of course we're going to take a look at some viewer mail
as I awkwardly back up here.
What's, what's gone wrong?
Don't I usually do this better?
Well, I guess not.
And why do I have my hands up like this?
Well, let me show you.
David Letterman, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much, Paul, for covering me.
Just remember, if you're,
if you're in the studio audience,
a bit of advice,
cover yourself at all times,
ladies and gentlemen.
Each week, we here at Late Night
receive up to 250 pieces of actual viewer mail.
Now, there are two possible ways
we could deal with this.
Either we could take the time and trouble
to answer each single letter personally,
or we could put four of them on the air
and totally ignore the rest.
Now, we've decided to go with option number two.
So, here is our first piece of mail.
Comes to us from Newport News, Virginia,
from a Mr. John Wood.
John says,
I wrote a letter to obtain tickets.
I accidentally wrote that I wanted tickets
for July 18, 1925, or 26,
but I need them for those dates in August.
Not July.
Sorry for the mix-up.
Sorry for the mix-up, John.
That's all we get is sorry for the mix-up.
We've been waiting on this.
How long has that been up there?
We go to no,
we spare no expense to get this put together.
Got the flowers.
We got the gift.
And all we get is sorry for the mix-up.
It's a wonder, no,
there are no more people
don't get punched on this show.
This comes to us from,
this is an interesting name
if I have it here correctly,
Hap Trice
from Earliesville, Virginia.
I've noticed that when you have had stars
of some note appear on your program
that you very often conclude your talk with them
by extending an open invitation
back to your show
anytime the star may be in New York.
Really, David,
I have to question your sincerity.
Would you really go to the trouble
of changing your show's format
so that any of these numerous stars
with open invitations
could appear at the drop of a hat?
Well, I said that they're invited
to come back to the show.
I didn't say they'd necessarily be on the show.
It's kind of a public service
that we offer here
to give celebrities a place to hang around
when they're in New York City.
And I think you'll see what I mean.
You've just,
How's it going, gentlemen?
Oh, it's been a long week, you know.
In real life,
these guys look like
they're wearing rubber masks,
but it's not the case.
All right, let's go on now
to letter number three, shall we?
This comes to us
from Mark W. Wooten,
Waukesha, Wisconsin.
I hope I'm pronouncing that properly.
Waukesha, Wisconsin.
On the large doors behind you
that close as you make your entrance,
it reads,
Please do not enter this studio
with coffee or food
and no smoking.
What would happen
should someone do this?
Gee, that is an interesting question.
I wonder what would happen.
Let's just take the law
into our own hands, shall we?
Please do not enter
this studio with coffee.
This is the one.
I'll just
pull this off.
All right, now let's
see what happens.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jay.
Oh, thank you.
I'm not even in the band,
this guy.
Thank you very much.
Anarchy in the streets,
ladies and gentlemen.
Put an envelope.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Help yourself, sure.
Let's see where we are.
Boy, letter number four
we're up to now
comes to us from
Elizabeth Callahan,
Champion, Pennsylvania.
Boy, for a semi-famous
talk show host,
you sure are loose
in the brain department.
I just finished
watching your
Christmas special
and once again,
you and your
evidently not-too-swift
staff were too stupid
to recognize that
jerk who keeps
pretending to be
someone he isn't.
Tell me that
nobody on your staff
knew what the author
of Gorky Park
looks like,
and if you guys
don't know what
Santa Claus looks like,
I just have to
question your IQ
levels.
This is why
I want to help.
Remember this
description,
of this guy
so you won't
be tricked
by his neurotic
attempts to be
on your show
in the future.
He's balding,
he wears glasses,
and he is the
ultimate definition
of a wimp.
It's signed,
Elizabeth Callahan,
Champion, Pennsylvania.
Well, Elizabeth,
this letter
intrigued us so much
that we, of course,
asked her to fly in here
to be on our program
to talk with us
in person.
It's the first time
we've flown a viewer in.
Please, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Elizabeth Callahan
from Champion, Pennsylvania.
Thank you.
Thank you.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
This letter,
nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, David.
Thank you.
It intrigued us so much
that we wanted you
to fly in here in person
and I couldn't help
but notice you sounded
quite upset in the letter.
Yes, David.
As a matter of fact,
I was very upset.
You see,
I don't like to see
that kind of thing
happen to somebody
like you over and over again.
Well, that's very
thoughtful of you
and our viewers
are very special people.
Oh, yes, I know, David.
As a matter of fact,
I'm a big fan of the show
and it really angers me
that this guy
can pull the wall
over your eyes
and at the same time
he takes work away
from talented people
who want a break
and I just...
Mr. Letterman,
I can't go through
with this.
I'm sorry.
I'm not Elizabeth Callahan.
L