Name: David Letterman on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, December 30, 1983, re-up
Uploaded: 2023-01-15T04:43:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, December 30, 1983, re-up' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, December 30, 1983, re-up' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-15. Transcript available.

Have you ever heard anything like that in your life?
Never, never. Just wonderful.
When I first heard that somebody was on who was going to play glass,
I thought you're never going to hit them with a spoon, but that is wonderful.
Boy.
Haven't heard anything like that since the night you played the Marine Hymn on
three margarita glasses.
Yeah, whatever that was, what a night that was.
We will take a break. David Letterman is here tonight, and Jeffrey Osborne, so
stay where you are.
Thank you, Jim.
Thanks, Jim.
Thank you, Jim.
David Letterman is here tonight.
David used to appear on this show quite frequently, and, of course, has his own
show following us out of New York City.
And I understand he is beginning.
He was just renewed for his third year.
Does time pass quickly?
Would you welcome Mr. David Letterman?
Well, thank you.
All right, Jim.
Thank you so much.
Please, please stay away from the fence.
Yes, I know it's...
They tend to attack out here.
Sorry, my hands are just dripping wet.
I shook hands with the glass player.
Squeegee this off a little bit.
What do I have if he gets thirsty?
He just drinks his act as opposed to...
I would guess so.
It's beautiful music, though.
It's just renewed for a third year.
Yeah, that's what they say.
Well, thank you very much.
Before I get on, I just want to say what a great thing Ed is doing with this
program, Star Search.
I don't know if America understands this or not, but Hollywood right now,
Johnny, is in the middle of one of its worst star shortages.
Yes, sir.
There was some talk that there would be no show business.
They'd have to shut it down for a couple of months, but no, no.
Thanks to the wonderful work this man is doing, there'll be plenty of stars.
Plenty of stars.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for those kind words.
It was getting very thin out here for a while.
That's right.
I don't know.
I guess people just don't want to be in show business anymore.
It's a darnedest thing.
Isn't it, though?
Do you have fun in New York?
Be honest.
Let me explain a couple of things about New York to you.
Like I've got to tell you, I love the city of New York, but it's easy to be misled.
I'll give you an example about this.
There was in psychology today, the newest issue, a survey about things, a sociological
survey.
And it said, if a man or a woman lives in New York City, and you get up in the
morning, and you leave your apartment on the way to where you work.
Now, as soon as you leave your apartment, if you call everyone you see a jerk,
you will have been correct 80% of the time.
It's easy to get the wrong impression of the city like that.
Another interesting thing about New York, you hear a lot about Broadway plays
and the culture.
People don't care.
Ballet, they always say New Yorkers aren't concerned with that.
They're interested in one thing, and that's apartments.
Now, I was walking to work one day, and I come upon a police barricade.
Now, what had happened in this apartment on the first floor, there had been a
gangland slaying.
Now, you know, whenever you have a gangland slaying, you're going to have what?
Grizzly remains.
Right.
So, now, the police were in the middle of clearing out the grizzly remains, and
we're all sort of standing there just waiting so we can get to work.
And a woman comes up, middle-aged woman, pleasant-looking, and she's got, like,
one ads with her, you know.
And she says, what exactly happened here?
And I said, well, apparently there was a gangland slaying.
And she says, oh, they're carrying out the grizzly remains.
And I said, yeah.
And they're taking them out.
And so she kind of looks into the window of the apartment where all of this
took place, and she tapped the policeman on the shoulder, and she said, excuse
me, is that a two-bedroom?
That kind of thing.
But you don't live in Manhattan, do you?
Well, I did for a while.
Yeah.
I did for a while, and I'll tell you where I'm living in a few minutes.
All right.
And this is kind of why I moved.
When you're living in an apartment, you rely on one person for everything, and
that's your super, your superintendent.
This guy is the lifeline.
He connects you to the planet.
Now, we moved into this building, and I feel pretty good the first day because
there's a big plaque right there on the entryway, and it says,
The superintendent of this building is B. Pepe.
It's embossed right in there, you know, from the old song, I want to be peppy.
So I think, well, I got nothing to worry about.
The man's got a plaque.
So we're in there a couple of weeks, and the air conditioning goes out in the
place, and I called up B. Pepe.
It turned out his name was Benny Pepe, and still is Benny Pepe.
And Benny says, well, I don't have a key.
They don't give me a key.
So I said, oh, okay, Benny, you know, and then a couple of weeks later, the
heat came on right in the middle of the summer,
and I called up Benny, and he says, I don't have a key.
And I said, well, you know, he's got a plaque, but he has no key.
He also has no clue.
So now we're making real progress.
I said, Benny, there's a Bedouin tribesman living in the cellar.
I'm sorry, I got no key.
Okay.
So one day, it's about midnight on a Sunday, and we're getting ready to go to
sleep,
and we got the TV on, and pretty soon I hear,
this is obviously water under extreme pressure escaping.
What a good impersonation.
It was.
Well, thank you very much, John.
Thank you.
You know.
Don't hear those anymore.
You didn't have action, did that?
We weren't picked up for our third year for nothing.
You bet it.
So, you know, I didn't know what to think right away.
We're in the neighborhood where the U.N., and I thought, well, maybe it's kids
having fun with an embassy or something, you know.
You never can tell.
So 20 minutes later, it's getting humid in the bedroom.
It's just unbelievably humid.
It's like downtown Manila.
It's just there is stuff dripping off the ceiling.
And so, well, you've got to investigate this, you know.
So I get up, and I go into the bathroom, and it's like a Three Stooges movie.
You know, oh, you must be the gentleman who came to look at the plumbing.
Well, there's this gushing fountain of water coming out of the hot water deal.
So I look down there.
There's nothing to turn it off.
So I call B. Peppy.
B. Peppy.
Benny.
Benny.
Benny says, well, I'll be right over.
Well, I thought, well, Benny knows something this time.
So Benny comes right over, and he says, what's the trouble?
And I said, well, Benny, we've got water going crazy here.
And he says, I don't have a key.
So I said, well, what does that mean?
And he says, well, to turn off the water, you have to get a plumber to come in
and go downstairs.
And I don't have a key to let him in.
So it didn't make any difference, because your chances of getting a plumber to
make a house call in Manhattan at 1230 at night
are about as good as the chances of running into your ex-wife waiting in line
for day-old bread.
Small chance of that.
Small chance of that, yes.
So you see, Benny doesn't have a key.
Why don't you give him a key for Christmas?
Wouldn't that have been nice?
I got a picture of Benny here, if you want to get to that in a moment.
Yeah.
I didn't know what this was for a moment.
Well, here are the firemen.
What are you doing, the firemen?
The firemen had to come in to turn off the water.
This is Benny?
Peppy here?
Save Benny for...
Well, let's see if you want to tip it.
No.
This is obviously...
That's the water damage there in the kitchen.
Well, you're right.
I don't know what is right side up here.
It makes no difference, does it?
No, there you go.
I see.
Like that.
That's the water damage.
Uh-huh.
Now, see, the water leaked down there.
And that's really not a safety hazard, is it?
An electrical outlet and standing water?
No.
I think that'll be UL approved.
I don't see a problem there.
These are...
There's firemen coming to the door.
These are the firemen, yeah.
Now, it cost the city of New York about five grand to turn off my water.
All because Benny had no key.
And there he is.
And this is obviously Benny.
This is Benny.
Now, this is not the guy from Allstate.
Hey, I got no key.
No, that's right.
What do you want from me?
You're in good hands with that guy?
No, I don't.
I don't think so.
Okay, we'll do this.
We're going to come back.
We have some new years of stuff.
All kinds of stuff.
Lots of goodies for you, folks.
So stay where you are and we'll come back.
We're talking with David Letterman, formerly of Manhattan,
and for obvious reasons has moved to Connecticut.
The Nutmeg State.
Did you know that?
You knew that, didn't you?
Yeah, the Nutmeg State.
You know why they call it that?
I have no idea either.
I don't either.
It's an interesting question in case you know.
Yeah, it comes up a lot in Connecticut, folks.
I seem to be enchanted with that.
It's a beautiful state.
It's a little conservative.
By, you know, California standards or Manhattan standards.
And the people there really, I think, would rather you dress like a pilgrim.
But it's, they have, did you ever spend much time there?
No, I had a friend who moved up there and he did a switch.
He bought a modern house and made it into an old barn.
Gee, that's an interesting approach.
Well, the thing that, oh, geez.
Now look at that, John.
Lost some more tooth?
Well, my tooth just came right out.
It's an artificial tooth, don't worry.
There were people gasping up there like I'd been punched backstage.
No, it's fine.
It really did, John.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know why you touched it.
Jeez, we'll have to, don't touch that, John.
See, if one of your teeth had fallen out, I'm not sure I would have touched it.
Well, when you've been on as long as I have, you can touch people's teeth.
Anyway, don't worry, this won't ruin the story.
Okay.
So, Connecticut, everybody in the state of Connecticut, I don't know if you
noticed this, I don't know if your friend, everybody to me looks like Jack LaSchoolie.
I don't know why that is.
They all, I know that's not much of a joke, but that's all I had time for.
You do your best.
It sounds like a joke.
That's right.
They all look like Jack LaSchoolie.
Derwood Kirby might have got it.
Yeah, maybe Derwood.
It's got a K in it, you see?
Yeah, I tried for a while.
Derwood Kirby's got a K in it.
You should go for that.
All right, Derwood Kirby.
Everybody up there looks like Derwood Kirby.
Oh, that's great.
You see?
So.
So it's little things.
You, you, you know, it's very conservative.
Like I said, they have, you know, mud wrestling.
Oh, that doesn't go up there.
They have mud debating.
Mud debating.
But seriously, so, I have this dog, Bob.
Yes, you've had that dog on the show.
Not a, not a bright animal.
Not a, not a, but a fine dog.
Yeah, I didn't mean to denigrate him, but.
So he, he, one day he kills himself a skunk.
Ooh.
Now this doesn't happen in, in New York, you know.
And it doesn't happen here in, in California much.
So Bob killed himself a skunk.
So what do you do?
Well, first you're angry, of course, so you try to get over that.
And then you're shocked and you get over that.
And, and then you make soup.
No.
So, but the problem with this is now, you have to get the stench.
Off the dog.
Almost impossible.
It is almost impossible.
Right away, people said to me, uh, tomato juice.
Cover the dog in tomato juice.
Easy money, no problem.
Well, uh, we had no tomato juice.
Uh, barbecue sauce was as close as we could get.
So, with, within a matter of minutes, the dog kind of hardens to a real long-lasting
finish, you know.
And you're petting the dog, it's a little like this.
And, uh, but it's nice, you can put drinks on him, you know, when folks come
over.
So, this doesn't work, and he still, he still stinks.
Aw.
Something unfortunate.
So, uh, some friends of ours, uh, said, the only thing to correct this problem
is massengill.
Oh, yes, I know.
That's a female, uh, douche product, is it not?
It's a, it's a douche product.
Now, by the way, there's an interesting commercial for this stuff.
It's a woman standing in the country, and she says, uh, freshness is the
feeling you get, uh, walking on a country lane after a springtime shower.
Now, that's mud, isn't it?
So, yeah, that's mud.
So, now, I got a problem with this massengill deal, because Bob, Bob is an 80-pound
dog.
What?
This is a very conservative community.
I'm not walking into the pharmacy and saying, I need a case of the stuff.
And then it gets worse when you explain, oh, it's for the dog.
That doesn't work.
That doesn't work either.
Now, the other little experience with Bob, one day in the summertime was very
hot, and I went off someplace, and I was going to have burgers that evening for
dinner.
So, uh, I left to put the ground beef out, and it went bad.
Now, you know, I'll take the responsibility for buying bad meat, but...
So, I throw it away.
The next morning, I get up, and I discover that Bob has consumed a half a pound
of tainted ground beef.
Now, um, I'm concerned about this, because I think it could do some real damage.
So, I called the vet, and the vet said, well, there's only one thing you can do.
You have to induce vomiting.
Well, you know, right away, I'm relieved, because I know I have my day cut out
for me.
And, uh...
You know, I know I got something to do.
That's right.
So, it's a hot day, and the guy says, what you got to do is get your dog to
drink some, uh, hydrogen peroxide.
Now, it's not as easy as it sounds.
Yeah.
Uh, and it's very dangerous, by the way, but you'd be surprised how uncooperative
a dog can be when you want him to drink chemicals out of a plastic bottle.
So, all day long, I'm walking Bob through the yard, trying to pour this stuff
all over him, and it's bleaching his fur.
He's a black dog, and it's now he's Auburn, um, and it's bleaching his gums
pink.
He's beginning to look like, uh, Gloria Vanderbilt.
So, finally, I get enough of this stuff down, Bob, and, uh, it works.
Pay dirt.
Nice.
Everything comes up, and it looked pretty good, John.
Uh, and it's a really hot day, so I'm thinking, great, at least it worked.
I saved my dog's life.
I went inside, I brought out something to clean up the mess.
Now, uh, there is generally one thing that will separate dogs from humans.
Dogs will do things on a regular basis that humans would never do in a million
years.
And while I was inside, Bob did one of those things.
So now, of course, we have to repeat the process.
Bob thought, what the hell?
It was a buffet, all you can eat.
So, um...
Salad bar.
Salad bar?
Not easy out there in Connecticut, John.
Life is not easy.
No.
We have to do another commercial here.
Yes, we have to.
Or we'll be in trouble.
We'll be back.
Thank you.

David Letterman on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, December 30, 1983, re-up

Have you ever heard anything like that in your life?
Never, never. Just wonderful.
When I first heard that somebody was on who was going to play glass,
I thought you're never going to hit them with a spoon, but that is wonderful.
Boy.
Haven't heard anything like that since the night you played the Marine Hymn on
three margarita glasses.
Yeah, whatever that was, what a night that was.
We will take a break. David Letterman is here tonight, and Jeffrey Osborne, so
stay where you are.
Thank you, Jim.
Thanks, Jim.
Thank you, Jim.
David Letterman is here tonight.
David used to appear on this show quite frequently, and, of course, has his own
show following us out of New York City.
And I understand he is beginning.
He was just renewed for his third year.
Does time pass quickly?
Would you welcome Mr. David Letterman?
Well, thank you.
All right, Jim.
Thank you so much.
Please, please stay away from the fence.
Yes, I know it's...
They tend to attack out here.
Sorry, my hands are just dripping wet.
I shook hands with the glass player.
Squeegee this off a little bit.
What do I have if he gets thirsty?
He just drinks his act as opposed to...
I would guess so.
It's beautiful music, though.
It's just renewed for a third year.
Yeah, that's what they say.
Well, thank you very much.
Before I get on, I just want to say what a great thing Ed is doing with this
program, Star Search.
I don't know if America understands this or not, but Hollywood right now,
Johnny, is in the middle of one of its worst star shortages.
Yes, sir.
There was some talk that there would be no show business.
They'd have to shut it down for a couple of months, but no, no.
Thanks to the wonderful work this man is doing, there'll be plenty of stars.
Plenty of stars.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for those kind words.
It was getting very thin out here for a while.
That's right.
I don't know.
I guess people just don't want to be in show business anymore.
It's a darnedest thing.
Isn't it, though?
Do you have fun in New York?
Be honest.
Let me explain a couple of things about New York to you.
Like I've got to tell you, I love the city of New York, but it's easy to be misled.
I'll give you an example about this.
There was in psychology today, the newest issue, a survey about things, a sociological
survey.
And it said, if a man or a woman lives in New York City, and you get up in the
morning, and you leave your apartment on the way to where you work.
Now, as soon as you leave your apartment, if you call everyone you see a jerk,
you will have been correct 80% of the time.
It's easy to get the wrong impression of the city like that.
Another interesting thing about New York, you hear a lot about Broadway plays
and the culture.
People don't care.
Ballet, they always say New Yorkers aren't concerned with that.
They're interested in one thing, and that's apartments.
Now, I was walking to work one day, and I come upon a police barricade.
Now, what had happened in this apartment on the first floor, there had been a
gangland slaying.
Now, you know, whenever you have a gangland slaying, you're going to have what?
Grizzly remains.
Right.
So, now, the police were in the middle of clearing out the grizzly remains, and
we're all sort of standing there just waiting so we can get to work.
And a woman comes up, middle-aged woman, pleasant-looking, and she's got, like,
one ads with her, you know.
And she says, what exactly happened here?
And I said, well, apparently there was a gangland slaying.
And she says, oh, they're carrying out the grizzly remains.
And I said, yeah.
And they're taking them out.
And so she kind of looks into the window of the apartment where all of this
took place, and she tapped the policeman on the shoulder, and she said, excuse
me, is that a two-bedroom?
That kind of thing.
But you don't live in Manhattan, do you?
Well, I did for a while.
Yeah.
I did for a while, and I'll tell you where I'm living in a few minutes.
All right.
And this is kind of why I moved.
When you're living in an apartment, you rely on one person for everything, and
that's your super, your superintendent.
This guy is the lifeline.
He connects you to the planet.
Now, we moved into this building, and I feel pretty good the first day because
there's a big plaque right there on the entryway, and it says,
The superintendent of this building is B. Pepe.
It's embossed right in there, you know, from the old song, I want to be peppy.
So I think, well, I got nothing to worry about.
The man's got a plaque.
So we're in there a couple of weeks, and the air conditioning goes out in the
place, and I called up B. Pepe.
It turned out his name was Benny Pepe, and still is Benny Pepe.
And Benny says, well, I don't have a key.
They don't give me a key.
So I said, oh, okay, Benny, you know, and then a couple of weeks later, the
heat came on right in the middle of the summer,
and I called up Benny, and he says, I don't have a key.
And I said, well, you know, he's got a plaque, but he has no key.
He also has no clue.
So now we're making real progress.
I said, Benny, there's a Bedouin tribesman living in the cellar.
I'm sorry, I got no key.
Okay.
So one day, it's about midnight on a Sunday, and we're getting ready to go to
sleep,
and we got the TV on, and pretty soon I hear,
this is obviously water under extreme pressure escaping.
What a good impersonation.
It was.
Well, thank you very much, John.
Thank you.
You know.
Don't hear those anymore.
You didn't have action, did that?
We weren't picked up for our third year for nothing.
You bet it.
So, you know, I didn't know what to think right away.
We're in the neighborhood where the U.N., and I thought, well, maybe it's kids
having fun with an embassy or something, you know.
You never can tell.
So 20 minutes later, it's getting humid in the bedroom.
It's just unbelievably humid.
It's like downtown Manila.
It's just there is stuff dripping off the ceiling.
And so, well, you've got to investigate this, you know.
So I get up, and I go into the bathroom, and it's like a Three Stooges movie.
You know, oh, you must be the gentleman who came to look at the plumbing.
Well, there's this gushing fountain of water coming out of the hot water deal.
So I look down there.
There's nothing to turn it off.
So I call B. Peppy.
B. Peppy.
Benny.
Benny.
Benny says, well, I'll be right over.
Well, I thought, well, Benny knows something this time.
So Benny comes right over, and he says, what's the trouble?
And I said, well, Benny, we've got water going crazy here.
And he says, I don't have a key.
So I said, well, what does that mean?
And he says, well, to turn off the water, you have to get a plumber to come in
and go downstairs.
And I don't have a key to let him in.
So it didn't make any difference, because your chances of getting a plumber to
make a house call in Manhattan at 1230 at night
are about as good as the chances of running into your ex-wife waiting in line
for day-old bread.
Small chance of that.
Small chance of that, yes.
So you see, Benny doesn't have a key.
Why don't you give him a key for Christmas?
Wouldn't that have been nice?
I got a picture of Benny here, if you want to get to that in a moment.
Yeah.
I didn't know what this was for a moment.
Well, here are the firemen.
What are you doing, the firemen?
The firemen had to come in to turn off the water.
This is Benny?
Peppy here?
Save Benny for...
Well, let's see if you want to tip it.
No.
This is obviously...
That's the water damage there in the kitchen.
Well, you're right.
I don't know what is right side up here.
It makes no difference, does it?
No, there you go.
I see.
Like that.
That's the water damage.
Uh-huh.
Now, see, the water leaked down there.
And that's really not a safety hazard, is it?
An electrical outlet and standing water?
No.
I think that'll be UL approved.
I don't see a problem there.
These are...
There's firemen coming to the door.
These are the firemen, yeah.
Now, it cost the city of New York about five grand to turn off my water.
All because Benny had no key.
And there he is.
And this is obviously Benny.
This is Benny.
Now, this is not the guy from Allstate.
Hey, I got no key.
No, that's right.
What do you want from me?
You're in good hands with that guy?
No, I don't.
I don't think so.
Okay, we'll do this.
We're going to come back.
We have some new years of stuff.
All kinds of stuff.
Lots of goodies for you, folks.
So stay where you are and we'll come back.
We're talking with David Letterman, formerly of Manhattan,
and for obvious reasons has moved to Connecticut.
The Nutmeg State.
Did you know that?
You knew that, didn't you?
Yeah, the Nutmeg State.
You know why they call it that?
I have no idea either.
I don't either.
It's an interesting question in case you know.
Yeah, it comes up a lot in Connecticut, folks.
I seem to be enchanted with that.
It's a beautiful state.
It's a little conservative.
By, you know, California standards or Manhattan standards.
And the people there really, I think, would rather you dress like a pilgrim.
But it's, they have, did you ever spend much time there?
No, I had a friend who moved up there and he did a switch.
He bought a modern house and made it into an old barn.
Gee, that's an interesting approach.
Well, the thing that, oh, geez.
Now look at that, John.
Lost some more tooth?
Well, my tooth just came right out.
It's an artificial tooth, don't worry.
There were people gasping up there like I'd been punched backstage.
No, it's fine.
It really did, John.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know why you touched it.
Jeez, we'll have to, don't touch that, John.
See, if one of your teeth had fallen out, I'm not sure I would have touched it.
Well, when you've been on as long as I have, you can touch people's teeth.
Anyway, don't worry, this won't ruin the story.
Okay.
So, Connecticut, everybody in the state of Connecticut, I don't know if you
noticed this, I don't know if your friend, everybody to me looks like Jack LaSchoolie.
I don't know why that is.
They all, I know that's not much of a joke, but that's all I had time for.
You do your best.
It sounds like a joke.
That's right.
They all look like Jack LaSchoolie.
Derwood Kirby might have got it.
Yeah, maybe Derwood.
It's got a K in it, you see?
Yeah, I tried for a while.
Derwood Kirby's got a K in it.
You should go for that.
All right, Derwood Kirby.
Everybody up there looks like Derwood Kirby.
Oh, that's great.
You see?
So.
So it's little things.
You, you, you know, it's very conservative.
Like I said, they have, you know, mud wrestling.
Oh, that doesn't go up there.
They have mud debating.
Mud debating.
But seriously, so, I have this dog, Bob.
Yes, you've had that dog on the show.
Not a, not a bright animal.
Not a, not a, but a fine dog.
Yeah, I didn't mean to denigrate him, but.
So he, he, one day he kills himself a skunk.
Ooh.
Now this doesn't happen in, in New York, you know.
And it doesn't happen here in, in California much.
So Bob killed himself a skunk.
So what do you do?
Well, first you're angry, of course, so you try to get over that.
And then you're shocked and you get over that.
And, and then you make soup.
No.
So, but the problem with this is now, you have to get the stench.
Off the dog.
Almost impossible.
It is almost impossible.
Right away, people said to me, uh, tomato juice.
Cover the dog in tomato juice.
Easy money, no problem.
Well, uh, we had no tomato juice.
Uh, barbecue sauce was as close as we could get.
So, with, within a matter of minutes, the dog kind of hardens to a real long-lasting
finish, you know.
And you're petting the dog, it's a little like this.
And, uh, but it's nice, you can put drinks on him, you know, when folks come
over.
So, this doesn't work, and he still, he still stinks.
Aw.
Something unfortunate.
So, uh, some friends of ours, uh, said, the only thing to correct this problem
is massengill.
Oh, yes, I know.
That's a female, uh, douche product, is it not?
It's a, it's a douche product.
Now, by the way, there's an interesting commercial for this s