Name: Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub Are On Tour? | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2020-06-05T22:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub Are On Tour? | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub Are On Tour? | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-05. Transcript available.

We're bad friends.
So Callan and Schaub, I don't understand.
Boo!
Go ahead.
I don't understand the upside of them doing the road.
Granted, their point of view about, you know,
I'm an American and I want to exercise my right.
You know what I mean?
No one's going to tell me what to do.
And this whole thing is a hoax, whatever it might be.
But it's just in terms of logistics and the upside.
There is none.
We should call them and make fun of them.
I should call them and just make fun of them.
But it'll go to voicemail.
He always leaves it on voicemail.
Schaub will pick up.
Yeah.
Are you going to call him to see if he picks up for you?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's mean.
That's mean, but it's probably going to work.
I'll call Schaub on this line.
We'll see who gets who first.
Yes.
Brian.
Yeah.
So annoying that you didn't answer my fucking phone call.
I literally knew that you were both together.
You're a fucking asshole.
No, I knew.
You're a fucking asshole.
I knew you were together.
I was, I literally was like, I was like, who is it?
My girl goes, it's Andrew Santino and I'm stretching.
And then Bobby called me and she goes, they're together.
And I go, yep.
What do you guys fucking want?
What I'm saying?
Are you in Houston right now?
Yeah, I'm in Houston.
You couldn't hear it?
You couldn't hear it?
You mean the audience applause?
That's right, brother.
The noise.
Hey, the rumor, the rumor is you guys can't even pack a half room.
Andrew, Andrew.
No, seriously.
There's a, we read the Texas Gazette and it said, these two clown farts from LA
came in
here, couldn't even sell half a room.
Nope.
The Texas Gazette is a liberal magazine.
They're left-wing pieces of shit.
So what's it like, Brian?
Is it, I mean, are people wearing masks in the audience?
Fuck no.
Fuck no.
I was at a Latin bar salsa dancing amongst, oh, I don't know, 300 people.
This guy that you're talking to doesn't, not only does he not observe the
shutdown, never
has, and I'm probably irresponsible for it.
Oh, no, I'm not.
But also, you'd think after four months of being, like, not being on stage that
I'd miss
at least a beat.
Well, Texas Gazette just said, we hate him, but he didn't miss a beat.
Yeah.
So, you know, that's, that's what happens.
Right.
And that's fake news.
Yeah.
Well, how is, uh, how is, uh, Frankenstein doing on stage?
You know what?
Bobby.
Yeah.
How's Franken-franken?
What?
Brendan is actually fucking crushing.
He's got a serious 20 minutes.
Are you guys, are you guys sharing, sharing time?
No, Andrew, I do a solid hour, because that's what I am, right?
You can't do a fucking hour.
Dude, I've seen you, 20 minutes of you is exhausting.
I don't know how people sit through an hour of your shit.
Guys, guys, one thing we know for sure.
You're going to high kick your way right out of comedy.
It's a 20 minute bit about your thigh muscle.
Listen, we know two things, we know two things for sure.
One thing is Bobby is actually Chinese.
The second thing we know is I am, without a doubt, the gold medal winner in
comedy.
We know this, yeah?
But can I say something to you, Callan?
Honestly, I watched a little bit of you on Whitney, on Whitney's show.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Boy, oh boy.
Don't go back on that.
Hey, come on.
That was, dude, you were terrible.
It was so, it was the worst podcast appearance I've ever seen in my life.
Hey, Bobby, when we did the podcast, you were talking about how you were molested
and we
were laughing.
Somebody posted, why hasn't this guy been canceled yet about me?
Because I was laughing.
So thanks for ruining my career.
Actually, don't laugh.
You know, when we had a little conversation with someone about you laughing at
his molestation,
it's why your show got canceled on ABC.
What the fuck?
That's exactly right, dude.
They called us, Disney called us, the mouse called us and said, he's going to
get canceled
because he promotes molestation.
I wasn't laughing.
Bobby was trying to make us laugh because he makes light of all kinds.
Are you doing meet and greets after the show?
Fuck no.
I would, though.
You would?
I'm afraid to.
Not allowed to, though.
Yeah.
So are you booked, now you're going to do more dates this coming, next couple
of coming months?
Well, let's see.
I'm a man, so yeah.
You guys, well, you guys take naps and drink glasses of warm milk and hold each
other because
you're afraid.
I'm out there bringing laughter to the masses and making fucking bank.
I read a great post online that said, Byron Callen is back at it.
Yeah, Byron Callen is back at it, out on the road, entertaining the masses.
We really wish some real comics wanted to get out there, but we'll take this
stuff for now.
That's what it said.
Andrew, that's not cool.
I had so many of my audience, so many fans hit me and Bobby up and were like,
you know,
it's fine to take like the store, like the CVS brand, but we'd rather the
original.
Like they really want the real thing.
So they want the name brand.
They'll take you guys for now.
They'll take the fucking store brand.
No, don't say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because it's a little bit cheaper.
I get it.
I'm only getting more famous.
I'm only getting more famous.
If the three of us were in a car and it was firebombed and we all perished, it
would say
the great comedian, Brian Callen, friends.
Let me tell you something.
You're the only one that wouldn't get out of that car because you'd be strapped
into your
seatbelt.
We'd be trying to get you out of it.
And your little sore hip wouldn't be able to mobily get out during the fire.
That's a fucking age.
It's not an age thing, dude.
And you know when people say you're really showing your age?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Byron, you're really showing your age lately.
Don't say that.
So when you debate.
My name is Brian.
It's Byron.
Byron, when you debate Donald Trump in this next couple of months, I mean, do
you have
do you have an agenda?
I mean, you've been practicing.
Yeah.
Do you have anything lined up?
Yeah, I have been practicing.
And that is that I think Chinese people like you.
Look, I'm just saying.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, Brian, thanks for picking up my phone call.
I really appreciate it.
I know now your feelings, your real true feelings toward me.
Thank you so much.
And fuck the redheaded freak.
I love you.
I know.
I know you're ethnically Korean.
And we're going to cut this part out.
We're going to cut that part out.
I knew why you didn't answer the phone.
And we're going to keep the Chinese in.
I know why you answered the phone for Bobby and not for me.
I understand.
I know exactly why.
You know why, too.
Guys, guys.
No, you know why.
It's because you're threatened by someone like me that's so young and talented
and on the
rise and you don't care about Bob because she's old you don't give a fuck you
you you don't like
the young guys on the come up I get it I'm on a hit TV show I'm on a hit TV
show how's your show
whoa anyway Brian I love you thanks for picking up you're the best good look on
your shows okay
miss you I love you I love you bye baby
*music*