Name: Bobby Lee Learns the Truth About Valentines Day From Andrew Santino | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2021-02-15T20:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee Learns the Truth About Valentines Day From Andrew Santino | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee Learns the Truth About Valentines Day From Andrew Santino | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-15. Transcript available.

We're bad friends.
How did Valentine's start?
What's the origin of Valentine's Day?
You don't really know?
I really don't.
Saint Valentino? You don't know him?
No.
Saint Valentino was an Italian explorer.
Obviously.
Why? He could have missed it.
Valentino.
Okay, you got it.
Okay.
He was an Italian explorer.
This is actually a true story.
This is a true story. Let me finish.
But can I just say this?
No, because I have to finish.
Okay, go ahead.
Tell me what you're going to say.
I'm just saying, please be honest, because if it's a joke, then I'm going to
have to Google it later.
I'm going to Google it anyway, no matter what you say.
Right, so then, yeah.
All right, go ahead. I'll just.
Valentino, okay?
What was his first name?
Marco.
Marco Valentino.
Yeah, dude.
All right.
Okay, stop questioning me.
So, Marco Valentino, he went to the government and said, I want to go explore
new lands, right?
So, all these boats are already heading out, right?
Ah.
Who's heading out of the boats that we know?
Columbo.
Columbus.
Magellan.
Yeah.
Nostastrof.
Nostastrof.
Bop, bop, bop.
Yeah.
These guys are out there on the seas.
Yeah.
Valentino says, I want to go out there.
And they said, Valentino, you can't.
We've already paid for these men to get out at sea.
We don't have any more room for you.
And he said, well, what if I build my own boat?
And they laughed in his face.
Right.
The government's like, Valentino, this guy's going to send you to build his own
boat.
And they're dying.
Right.
He's an idiot.
He's poor.
This is a poor cobbler.
You know what a cobbler is?
Yeah, dude.
They make apple cobbler.
Exactly.
He's making apple cobbler shoes.
Yeah.
Apple cobbler shoes, which is such a bad business.
It's such a bad business.
But he's doing it.
Yeah.
It's squishy, the shoes.
Yeah.
Every time you go, quick, quick.
They're done in a day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so he's a poor cobbler.
And he says, I'm going to make the boat out of love.
I swear to God.
Now they think, not only is he stupid, he's crazy.
They're like, you're dumb and you're insane.
He says, I'm going to build the boat out of love and watch.
And I swear to God, just like your Deepak Chopra story, he would go around to
people in the town.
And offer his heart and love and honesty and say, I want to give new land to
the rest of the world and find new places.
Will you donate?
And his love that he gave to them, they would give to him.
The community came together.
They built a boat.
The Love Boat.
You know the show The Love Boat?
That's what it's based on.
Yep.
Valentino set sail.
He found a new land.
And it was called Love Island.
This week on MTV's Love Island, three couples.
Let me ask you this, though.
Yeah.
I believe you.
Thank you.
Who's Cupid?
Who's Cupid?
How did Cupid get in there?
Is that his name, Cupid?
Cupid was actually an aborted baby.
Oh, that's why they had the angel.
That's exactly right.
Right.
He was aborted.
It was Valentino's first aborted baby.
One of the Valentino's first aborted babies.
Right?
And the arrow that he's trying to kill.
He's trying to kill Valentino for aborting him.
Yep.
You know what I mean?
Because he made his girlfriend get an abortion.
Yeah.
I would have liked life, fucker.
And by the way, his aggression, because the baby is doing that.
Yeah, yeah.
It turns into a love arrow.
Shit.
Because God doesn't allow that from angels.
Fuck, man.
See?
It all makes sense.
Is that close?
Very close.
Great.
Really?
Yeah.
What's the real story?
Do you have it?
From February 13th to 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupecalia.
Never mentioned that in your story.
The men sacrificed a goat and a dog.
Yes, I did.
And then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.
What?
Whoa, we should do this.
You get to hit somebody you love with a...
Zoom in closer, please, because my eyes are fucked.
Zoom in closer.
There it is.
From February 13th to the 15th.
So, on February 13th to the 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupecalia.
The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with hides of the
animals they had just slain.
What the fuck?
And the Roman romantics were drunk.
They were naked.
Says Noel Lensky.
Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them.
The women would get in line to get hit with the hides of animals.
They believed this would make them fertile.
Wow.
We got to say this to chicks today.
I know.
The brutal feat included matchmaking lottery, which young men drew the names of
women from a jar.
The couple would then be coupled for the duration of the festival or longer if
the match was right.
So, this is like a key party.
I would draw a fucked up name.
Yeah.
Like, fuck Rosie O'Donnell.
You know what I mean?
Get over here.
You would get like someone hot.
Yeah.
I get a supermodel.
Yeah.
The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of the modern day of
love.
Emperor Claudius II executed two men, both named Valentine.
After my story.
On February 14th of different years in the 3rd century AD, their martyrdom was
honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine's Day.
Whoa.
So, nothing that you said.
No, no.
This is what also was happening while I was saying what I said.
Yeah, but this is the important stuff.
Why would you leave off this stuff?
Well, because this—well, yeah, you're right.
I wanted this to be found after I told you the original story.
Yeah.
It's pretty impressive, though.
Yeah.
They used to beat women with the hides of dogs.
So, how do you make a hide?
You kill a dog first?
Skin it.
You skin it.
You dry it out.
Dry it.
Skin it.
Right.
And then you—oh.
It's used as like an area rug or a carpet.
Yeah.
And then how do you—you roll it up and you hit somebody with it?
Yeah.
Roll it and smack it, baby.
You never heard of roll and smack?
You don't know that?
I don't know about roll and smack.
So, it was like a yoga mat, but for beating women.
Yeah, it was a yoga mat.
Yeah, instead of—you'd roll it up like a yoga mat.
Yeah, like a—yeah.
Hit a woman, right?
And then—why can't they use a stick?
Sticks were so—it was just like, you know—
What do you mean sticks were—
There wasn't as many trees back then.
No.
The trees have come as time has gone.
Or isn't whips made from hide?
A switch of—a whip is made from a hide.
Leather.
Yeah, leather.
Yeah, that's the same thing.
So, make a whip.
But it takes a long time.
Oh.
With this way, you skin the dog, you already got your, you know, your roll and
beat.
Yeah.