Name: Rudy Exposes Bobby Lee's Secret Desires | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2021-03-03T22:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy Exposes Bobby Lee's Secret Desires | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy Exposes Bobby Lee's Secret Desires | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-03. Transcript available.

We're bad friends.
I almost crashed the car.
When she said, I was like, what?
And we almost died.
What'd she say?
Did the Bobby?
I go, yeah.
Just out of nowhere, she goes, I think you're bisexual.
Really?
And I go.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
And I go, why?
I just think you do.
I think she's right.
You think that I'm bisexual?
I think so.
Why?
Because you've had experiences with men.
That doesn't make one bisexual to have experience.
You think I liked it?
Yeah.
You think guys that go to prison and they get raped or have prison sex, they
like it?
No, they're just lonely.
I think some of them.
What if you open up a can?
A few people might be like, yuck.
A few guys might go, hey, this is pretty good.
I had some fun in 12C.
I don't think I am, but why do you think so, Jules?
We were talking something before that.
About.
We can't talk about.
Which we can't talk about.
Yeah.
So go ahead.
And then, I don't know, because like Tito Andrew said, past experience.
And then, when we were driving.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, go tell them.
Tell them.
You saw a good looking guy.
Tell them.
Tell them what happened.
Who did you see?
We saw a very hot guy.
Yeah.
And then, I was just silent.
And then, Tito Bobby was like, he screamed.
I what?
He screamed.
I didn't scream.
You did?
Scream.
Yeah.
Scream.
Not like that, but.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, you almost stopped the car.
No, no.
Fuck, it's ridiculous.
Who was the guy?
Was he a famous guy?
No.
Or just a hot guy.
So, we're driving down, you know, the hill.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
And this guy was jogging up, up, you know what I mean?
So, I'm passing him.
I see him right now in my head.
Shirt off?
Shirt off.
Yeah.
Oh, I love this guy.
It's a Chris Hemsworth.
I know the guy.
Buff.
Olive skin.
Long hair.
Long hair.
Yeah, yeah.
Flowing in the wind.
Flowing in the wind.
Very handsome.
Did you see his piquage?
Can you see his, did you see his acorn or what?
I didn't see his face.
You were just, ah.
Yeah, that right now.
So, he's jogging up and I kind of went, whoa.
Whoa.
You know what I mean?
How short are the shorts?
It's black, black shorts, pretty short.
Oof.
Nice thighs?
Oh, fuck.
So, you know, I go, whoa.
And then I look at Juliana and then we just both laughed.
We started laughing.
Like a couple of giggly girls.
Yeah.
A couple of young girls.
I go, did you see that guy?
He's like, yeah, I did, but you saw him too.
And I go, yeah, I was just going, whoa.
No, because it's, when you see, you know.
I completely identify with this.
Thank you.
So, when you see a guy.
Like, because I, I obviously, I have eyes.
Yeah.
And I have a mirror.
Small ones, but they're there.
Rude.
But, touche.
So, I, and I look in the mirror and I, I, what I've been doing lately is really,
because
you, when you see yourself in the mirror.
Yeah.
You don't go, oh, that's me.
You just kind of, it's just like a, something that's a reality and something
that you see.
I hate looking in the mirror.
Yeah.
But, and what I've been doing lately is analyzing myself.
You're, like, your body.
Yeah.
I just kind of look to see what I did to it.
Ugh.
And what, what was given to me.
I caught a glimpse of myself in my side mirror on the way out of the bathroom.
And I said, look at that fucking creamsicle.
I looked, I look like a big fat creamsicle right now.
Yeah, so when, you know, when you look at yourself, you, I'm, I'm, I'm like,
kind of
like going, oh, that's the reality of my situation.
Right.
Right.
It's just like.
And don't you feel blessed?
Yellow, like a yellow dumpling.
Like a, a beautiful little dumpling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, and then you kind of look and you go, you know what, but what can I
do?
There's nothing I can do.
Who cares?
Somebody wants to eat it.
But then when you see somebody, you know what I mean?
That's the exact opposite.
Yeah.
Who's hot?
A hot, sorry.
You're not hot.
I mean.
You're not hot.
I didn't say I'm hot.
No, but you're definitely not hot.
I know, but you're sexy, maybe, but you're not hot.
I'm because I'm going to say you're so far away from hot.
Okay.
But do you know that like on the scale of hot?
Yeah.
You're not even close.
I know because in a lineup, in a room full of criminals, of hot criminals.
You're not even, you're, listen, you're the first one.
You know how they go on a scale, they go height by height.
You know how you go to a museum?
You're so unbelievably not hot.
When I go to a museum, when I was a kid, right, and I was, I moved out of my
parents' house
and I would go to the, in San Diego, the Balboa Museum of Arts or whatever.
And I used to save up money because, yeah, I didn't have money back then, but I
would go once a week.
Why would you go every week?
Because I really didn't have any friends and I just, I was like one of those
guys that played chess until three.
It was gross.
I would play chess until three in the morning at a coffee shop.
And like, I started reading like, you know, Kierkegaard, you know what I mean?
And like philosophical books, right?
You were, this is like a foreign Asian guy.
You're from America.
This sounds like you're a, an immigrant Asian.
Yeah.
Anyway, I would go there and I would sit and I would look at the paintings,
right?
And Renaissance paintings and you would see like how they used to draw women
back then.
Thick.
Yeah, thick and like with the holes, not the vagina, but like, like cellulite
almost sometimes and the rolls and whatnot.
And that's what they viewed as beautiful.
So yeah, in our modern current climate, I am not hot.
But back then, you would have been a hot woman.
You would have been a hot round woman.
Or a man.
Not a man.
No, because men had muscle and everything back then still.
Men, really?
Yeah, back then men were still in good shape.
No, because I, I, I, I'm going to make, defend myself.
Women.
I've seen statues.
Yeah.
You've seen the statue.
You go to a fountain.
Yeah.
A white people's fountain.
David.
David is jacked.
Yeah, and you see, you know what I mean?
A white man.
Right.
You're right.
He has either grapes.
Right.
Or.
And he's doing this.
Yeah, he's thinking.
And he's also doing this hip, you know what I mean?
Thing like this.
And he's just like pondering things.
Yeah, he's thinking a lot.
Right?
And then you look at the dick and it's like, I kill it.
It's a small dick.
Yeah, it's a real small dick.
Well, we didn't start to get big dicks until the late 1800s.
Oh, really?
Hormones, milk and all that stuff.
Really?
Yeah.
Interesting.
Everybody had small dicks.
Is that, so everyone had?
I'm serious.
Historically, most people had small dicks.
Are you making this up?
No, this is a fact.
All right, well, I didn't know.
I'm learning to something new.
But think about it like this.
If you think Mike, if you think David's, Michelangelo's David, you think David
had a small dick?
In comparison to his body?
Yeah.
And the running joke about Asians having small, imagine how small Asians' penis
were.
If that was regular for a white guy, what was regular for you folks?
Well, they would save a lot of fucking cement or whatever.
They would like, we have some dust left over.
There's his penis.
Or gum.
They took gum and just stuck it on there.
You're right, though.
You would have been back in the...
But the reason that women were beautiful because they were thick was because
people could eat.
Eat meant you had money.
But this is an interesting thing to talk about.
Skinny meant you're poor.
Because it's like socially, right, and culturally, right, we deem certain
things attractive.
And don't you think it's just a consensus?
We're programmed to think that someone with like a Brad Pitt, that, oh, my God,
he is hot.
You've stumbled.
You started to drool when you talk about it.
I got scared.
I get scared sometimes.
But, yeah, when you look at like somebody like you think that, you know, we're
conditioned.
Yeah.
You know?
No, but he's sub...
No, no, no.
Something, attractiveness.
Yeah.
And on that level.
Yeah.
Is not subjective.
It's objective.
Yeah.
Symmetry is attractive to us, right?
Yeah.
So symmetrical faces, clean, like smooth skin, no matter what the race is.
Are you getting horny right now?
No, I'm not.
Because I've been thinking about this one incident when I was...
So before...
I used to have this girlfriend, Christine Portia, but before Christine, right,
there was this
one girl and she was like from the Midwest.
I forgot her name.
Good.
But I remember I hung out with her like for six months.
And we connected on a level that was pretty cool.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like the same films and music.
We'd hang out all day.
And then one night I go, that was a comic.
And this is right after Mad TV.
So it was like, you know, it wasn't like I was a poor comic, right?
You were doing fine.
I was doing fine.
And one night I went in for a kiss.
Oh.
Right?
And she did this.
Oh.
You know when that happened?
What was she looking at?
Anything but me.
You know what I mean?
Look.
You know what I mean?
The skyline.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or whatever.
Cool.
And then I go, oh, well, so I read it wrong.
She's like, there's just no way.
I go, there's no way.
I go, what?
Just look at, I just, you're, everything about you is just, there's nothing.
Really?
Yeah.
And I go.
Six months of this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I go, really?
She's like, I mean, just friend.
By the way, six months?
I know.
She goes, friend.
Friends.
Hard D.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So hard D.
Friend.
Friend.