Name: The Bottoms of Turtle Island Needs A Director | Bad Friends Clips w/ Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino
Uploaded: 2021-06-22T18:45:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Bottoms of Turtle Island Needs A Director | Bad Friends Clips w/ Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Bottoms of Turtle Island Needs A Director | Bad Friends Clips w/ Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-22. Transcript available.

I asked Rick Glassman if he wants to direct The Bottoms of Turtle Island.
Okay, so I have a proposal for you, for real.
Yeah, does that hurt? Oh, is Andrea going to direct it?
Well, let me give you something real.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know who Steve Howey is?
I love Steve.
You know him?
Oh, I love him. I did a show with him, a pilot with him once.
Okay. He reached out to me because a friend of his has a script for Bottoms of
Turtle Island,
and they want to shoot it?
Wait, wait. Based on our description of the show?
Yeah, like he put it together. Do you know what I mean?
Are you being real?
I am beyond serious.
But they actually have a budget, and they actually are willing to shoot this in
Hawaii with us.
Up on the bottom of Turtle Island.
I swear to God.
Really?
I swear to God.
Wow. That's so ridiculous.
They want to do it.
Really?
Yes.
Would Jules be...
Yes.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're in it.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
What do you mean? You're the fucking...
It's you.
You're the lead.
It's you.
I don't know how to act.
You're doing it right now.
You're doing it right now.
You're acting like you want to be here sometimes.
Yeah.
We're doing it.
I'm dead serious.
Wow.
Who's going to direct it?
That's up for us to decide, I think.
Let's think, though.
Do you like Andreas?
I think Andreas can do it.
Do you think he's good enough?
No, let's do it.
We have to do it.
Just for a second of a favor.
Because it can't be good.
No.
We want it to be bad.
All right, Andreas, you're hired.
Thank you, guys.
No, but Andreas, really...
Come in here.
Do you want to see him in here?
Yeah.
He's down there on camera.
All right, so Andreas, stay there on the camera.
Okay.
All right?
Let me ask you something, all right?
What would you bring to the movie?
Sell us.
Enthusiasm.
We're taking a coffee meeting with you right now.
Yeah, yeah.
Sell us on the fact that you want to be the director of the film.
Go ahead.
Look, guys.
Little guys?
No.
You start off with an insult?
Oh, shit.
Fuck you.
Look, guys.
My movie, The Devil Below, is number three on Netflix right now.
Because who?
I promoted it.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, this team works.
Oh.
Good twist.
Good sell.
That's good.
So tell me, what can you bring to the film that other directors couldn't?
Well, I know you guys well.
For example, I know that Bobby probably doesn't want to do too many takes.
Okay.
That's not true.
First of all, listen.
That sounds valid.
No, at the end of the day, we would be directing it.
He can be on the-
Well, you want him to DP it?
No, he'll be the director.
But obviously, we're like, you're shooting everything on medium?
No, get a fucking wide.
So we're going to boss him around.
Yeah, we'll boss him around.
Okay.
So how many directors can be bossed around in Hollywood?
Huh?
That's true.
This is interesting.
This is interesting.
So are you willing to let us boss you around and push you around on set and
also step on
your shot list and also deny almost every request that you have?
Don't I do it every week?
Oh, Andreas, this is what's going to happen.
This is actually really good.
Let's see if we're doing a take in the movie, right?
Yeah.
Andreas, give me a note, an acting note, and this is what I'm going to respond
with.
Well, let's finish the scene and then he can tell us, all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we have to get down there immediately or they're going to kill us.
Would you suck my dick again?
Fine.
All right.
Cut.
That was good, Bob.
That was really good.
Thanks, man.
Honestly, man.
Killing it today.
What's up?
What's up?
Bobby, that was great, but can you put a little more emotion when you look at
Andrew in the eyes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you give me a cup of coffee?
Yep.
Coming up.
That's exactly what I'd say.
Yep.
Coming up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fancy.
Maybe you do have the job.
And then he comes back with the coffee.
We've already done nine more takes.
We already kept going.
Yeah, yeah.
We kept going.
Let's go.
Keep rolling.
Keep rolling, right?
Let's do this in a runner.
How many coffees do we send to him to go get?
Oh, every time.
All day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who needs a cup?
Background.
Do you need coffees?
Get him to make him get coffee for background?
Right.
But this is a real proposal.
We have a proposal to actually shoot the bottom of Turtle Island.
That's amazing.
It's a real thing.
Yeah, so how many characters are in it?
That's the thing.
This is very isolated.
Yeah, let me ask you something.
I forget because how did we get on the island?
Well, you went home to eat ramen below the Chinese restaurant that you-
That's right.
That's right.
And you go to sleep, and when you wake up, you're under sand in the island.
Remember you-
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
And so we wake up there, and we don't reveal that mystery yet.
Right.
Is this a short, or we're doing a full feature?
I think it's 125 minutes.
We could fill 125 minutes.
The script was 225 pages.
He said, we'll shoot half of it.
Wow.
I do have a script.
I'm going to send it to you for real.
Are you being real?
I swear to God, this is real.
This guy just-
So he listened to Bad Friends-
Howie called me.
Steve Howie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who's the shit, and he said, hey.
You know, he played a little catch-up, and he goes, I have a weird request.
I have a friend who's a fan of the show.
He has a script.
They have a budget.
They actually have money to shoot this in Hawaii, and if you guys want to do it,
we can do it.
So I called the guy.
100%.
I called the guy, and I said, are you for real?
He goes, I swear to God, and he sent me the materials.
And he said, this week, will you talk to Bobby about it?
And I said, well, we'll talk about it on the show.
Wow.
This is going to become a reality.
So what's the budget, though?
I think they all turn in their burmits for money, and then-
Right, right.
It's like 100 bucks.
Right.
Let me ask you something.
Could we-
We're going to lose money on it, but it's going to be fun as fuck.
Oh, yeah, because we won't get paid.
No.
Paid, no.
No, there's no way.
No.
Yeah, you won't get paid.
And then we-
You have to take a boat to get to Hawaii.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But for makeup and special effects, I already know the woman I want to use.
Okay, fine.
Jen Espinall.
Okay, it's locked.
It's whatever we want.
They want to work with us.
Jen Espinall.
Okay.
She's won some awards, but she was SNL.
Now, be real.
We can't afford someone that's won awards, dude.
No, but she's a friend.
We're working on a shoestring budget.
She did SNL for 20 years.
Oh, bro.
Back in the day.
She is not doing this.
And then she did Mad TV when I was on for like 15 years.
We can't ask her for a favor.
She's a real-
She's real.
No, Jen Espinall will do it.
She will.
Yeah, and she's great at prosthetics and special effects.
Imagine her listening to this in her car being like-
No!
No!
I'm making Jen Espinall do it.
Okay.
Because that's where the money will go.
I'm asking.
The money will go there.
Well, the money has to go to like editing and all that shit and cameras.
How do we get her to look like that?
She kind of looks like that.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true.
That's not a lot.
Actually, you know what?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we just have to grow out your fingernails and dye them yellow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But this is going to come to fruition.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Those that sleep will die first.
That's what they say.
You cannot sleep.
Yeah.
This is amazing.
It's a great story.
And the fans want it.
It's so fucking funny.
The fans want it.
It's ridiculous.
I think it's going to happen.
In between all the other stuff that you've got going on, we do need to make
this happen.
For real.
I would not work again to make this happen.
Really?
100%.
Okay.
This right here is going to ruin our career.
It's dead.
Okay.
But I have to see it through.
Because it dies.
But what would this really, truly, this could be one of those.
Yeah, but us sucking each other.
There's a lot of dick sucking in it.
But that's.
Is that in the script?
I think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's 2021, dude.
People are down for cool shit like that now.
I know, but isn't there.
Like, let me just say.
When we're in the bottom.
Isn't there a lot of guys in there?
We're all.
There's a lot of Fellini shit going on.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
There's a lot of men blowing each other.
Caligula.
Caligula.
Tons of Caligula.
Yeah, Caligula.
But the cool thing about what's going on right now, societally, is that who's
going to get mad at us for doing shit like that on film?
Let's just try to.
But let's try to make it great.
We're going to make it really good.
No, I'm being real.
So am I.
Yeah, yeah.
I want to make this movie.
Yeah, let's make it great.
Here, there's only one point of contention.
What?
The guy said, we love you guys, but we also know globally we want to sell
tickets.
Okay, here's where the, here's, let me just say, guys, here's where the slam is.
He's going to slam me, and it's going to hurt, but I have a slam back.
So, honestly, honestly, I'll only do it if Bill Burr plays your part.
Okay.
Okay.
And if Ken Jeong plays your part, then I'll do it.
All right.
So we're not going to be in it.
Slams aside, we do have to do the whole thing in Chinese because they need to
sell this to China.
Okay, that's the slam?
No.
That's a you slam.
No, I'm just saying, do we have to talk like that?
We have to talk like that.
Or they can just get a guy to dub it.
They'll have a Chinese guy dub it.
That'd be funny.
But this does need to sell overseas.
Okay, no one's going to, we don't, let me ask you something.
Our audience is huge in China.
I know, but.
Huge.
No, they're not.
Yes, we have a ton of Chinese fans.
When I was in fucking Hungary, I was testing it out.
Hungary is in China.
I know, but I went to, I tested it out.
I went to, there was this place where there's a Ferris wheel and skateboarders
and all these
young kids hanging out.
That's where the Chinese are.
No, in Hungary, I got recognized for a month and a half, twice.
Bobby.
From fucking bad friends.
Hungary.
Twice.
That's not our market.
That's not our market.
Yeah.
Our market is Ireland, Philippines, China.
Yeah.
Korea?
Not really.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If I'm being honest.
If I'm being honest.
It's mostly China.
China.