Name: Bobby Lee’s Life as a Wood Elf | Bad Friends Clips ft. Andrew Santino
Uploaded: 2021-10-27T03:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee’s Life as a Wood Elf | Bad Friends Clips ft. Andrew Santino' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee’s Life as a Wood Elf | Bad Friends Clips ft. Andrew Santino' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-27. Transcript available.

we're bad friends let's imagine right that i'm um a wood elf i see it thank you
yeah i see it right i see it i'm a wood elf right uh-huh and i was fucking just
all day
what am i killing orcs orcs i'm killing goblins and orcs and cave troll flink
flink right yeah
i'm exhausted right tired i go to the shire right right i i i pull back a
couple pints up here right
right i'm a little tipsy right i got a photo you know what i mean good to see a
guy yeah that was
funny that's your guy right talking shit talking shit right i'm walking out of
the fucking bar right
and they're like you're going home what else that's what they call me i don't
have a name woody woody
that's woody you're going to home i'm going home i'm not where are you going i'm
going out to get
some fucking unicorn cock oh you can bust right is it are they like prostitutes
are unicorns prostitutes
no no right but they're not gay what are they they're not anything they're not
anything but i'm
pretty sure they're not gay okay they could be i don't know but you go out to
the woods to go get
them i don't get them well you come to me i do the little because gandalf
taught me to do whistle
yeah yeah that that dude from the movie
from the movie dude so you whistle right they come get comes out what's what's
gandalf's name was
shadow mirror or shadow facts or uh something like that what's his horse's name
shadow facts yeah shadow
back right so but it's not shadow facts it's a fucking unicorn right you're
fucking you know what
i mean yeah i'm gonna get he's when he's hopping he's got big wings he's also
going no he's not he's
this is his hooves oh right he's i'm about to get my dick sucked right that's
what he's doing
you're right he he's running faster you know what i mean like he would run fast
if orcs were chasing
him yeah but he runs doubly fast when he knows that this woody is gonna suck
his dick because he's
excited because you're good i'm probably pretty good you're probably one of the
best he's a drunk
too he's not gonna remember nothing i'm gonna do it on his face or whatever
right and he comes out
and i get on my knees right yeah and he does what a dog does what did that what
do you mean he when
he's peeing the rocket comes out no he just lifts one leg like this oh yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah he
like yeah he lives one doesn't even really acknowledge you he doesn't yeah
lifts up his leg well
yeah he's also not is he looking down at you at all he's also you know what he's
doing yeah he's
looking at a female unicorn from across the way because he's not even like he
doesn't like cross
species so to get hard or whatever he's got to look at he's got to look at a
female unicorn that makes
sense so when he does this he's looking at is it felicia you know what i mean
felicia just do you
right spin a beam of light enters my mouth and it's like it's like you know
what it's like no like those
fucking in ghostbusters those fucking oh yeah the the the the the guns stream
the streams right and
and it makes my mouth it's pulling right right right right and he unloads right
yeah and it's just like
i ate 93 000 marshmallows right he he it's going to wait it's coming out of my
yeah yeah yeah yeah
everywhere yeah like that everywhere that goes into your mouth that goes in my
mouth and how do you feel
when it's over well i'm gonna i assume i'm gonna blackout drunk i wake up in
the field right with
marshmallows everywhere and um you know how you wake up right and you're like
um you know you just do that
because your mouth is dry but this time because of this right i vomit right
more and like rainbow
colored like marshmallows land on the ground and i just go i gotta go to i'm
never i'm never doing
that yeah yeah because every time i get and then you're sober three years you're
in a meeting right
you're sharing you know and a unit got so bad yeah that's what so it got so bad
for me man i used to go to
the shire get drunk right i used to blow i used to blow unicorns right and in
the audience you hear
right he's sober now yeah yeah yeah he doesn't do it anymore he doesn't do it
anymore either but
yeah he comes up to you while you're having coffee after the meeting during the
break during the break
having a cigarette right and he's like you ever thought about doing it again
just attempt you
right and i looked down at his crotch right yeah not that a laser comes out
right no but a little bit
of like a little a glow a little glow like to remind you right and i start salivating
right and i relapse
at night i relapse at night yeah yeah poor woody it's a sad tale it's a sad
tale but it's a true
tale it's a true tale did you tell did you find out what a panda sounds like by
the way after 20 minutes of this chaos
chaos oh here we go let's hear what they sound like oh shit we were close clap
let's hear let's hear so cute
yeah it sounds like andreas's car starting when he leaves
so cute are they deadly they i think they can kill i think they can kill humans
yeah but can you like
if i was in china like you and i are in china yeah right and we see a panda
would you i'm being real
we see not in the wild in the wild yeah right in its natural habitat of course
we have bamboo sticks
right yeah would you be scared to approach it honestly yeah because look no
matter how adorable
don't approach a giant pen in the wild they have strong groups they could
deliver powerful bites strong
enough to harm a human leg they can so they can get through you yeah but a leg
for a story
well i mean like there's a story it's like yeah i guess lose a leg yeah it's a
great story i guess
lose a leg yeah yeah but i mean a ted talk on it but when you approach them
like it's different with
like you what you can't really pet are you gonna pet it no i wouldn't pet it
they're gonna run away
well you and i would have a conversation it'd be like how's the best way to do
this so let's be real
about it dude dude i'll just stick google let's get gather a bunch of bamboo
even though there's bamboo
all over the place maybe we'll get better bamboo you think so premium bam we
don't know premium
though i know a guy out there oh you do yeah all right so we'll go to see your
guy first oh yeah
we'll go to the guy hey can we get the grade a premium primo bamboo bamboo yeah
and he's like
all right it's gonna cost you yeah here's a wagon full how much is even how
much is a basket full
each wagon is the same as a shower it's 25 to 50 cents an hour right so we'll
go all right that's
doable reasonable we'll take a couple wagons we'll give him a dollar yeah right
give us back the
change though i'll keep it fine don't be a dick pal all right don't be a dick
yeah but yeah we go out
in front of the panda and then how what would be our thing would we um you know
what i would do huh
it was i would put two bamboos on the in the ground right sticks i would make a
human out of it
right like a scare that's his legs like a scarecrow right but let me get appetizing
make it look delicious for them yeah well see i was going to say that i think
we should rip off
the bamboo leaves and stick them to our bodies that's a very better idea and
have them look
i never even i want them to lick it off i never thought about that then we can
just lay back on our
stomach on our backs and check it out dude we also because you know that um um
grizzly bears right
and brown bears because they don't know right because grizzly bears they eat
salmon and honey
right yep right but to pandas right that's a foreign food it's like white
people eating sushi
here's my thing right so we should bring that real canadian honey yeah maple
honey syrup to them
to them so we put the bamboo right but we're kind of like a um you know we
create a meal out of it
like a charcuterie board like a charcuterie board so we're like so we have nice
salmon
shaved salmon because they might like it we don't know right they all they have
is bamboo that's why
they fucking eat the shit yeah they don't know anything right but when we're
like this is
fucking canadian shit here baby
you