Name: Bobby & Andrew Go To The Diamond Planet | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2022-08-27T17:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby & Andrew Go To The Diamond Planet | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby & Andrew Go To The Diamond Planet | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-27. Transcript available.

So there's this movie my brother recommended to me.
It's the same guy that directed Ex Machina.
Ex Machina.
Did you see that?
Great movie, right?
Yeah.
He did a new movie called Men.
Right?
I love the name of that.
And my brother's, for two months, I saw it in a theater.
You got to watch it.
You got every fucking day.
It's a horror film, yeah?
I don't know what it is, dude.
All I know is-
It looks like a fucking horror.
If it's a comedy, they're not advertising well.
That looks good.
Yeah, but let me tell you something, dude.
It's so weird that I couldn't finish it.
Weird as in like it's not, oh, it's an A24.
Again, another banger from A24.
Yeah, another banger.
It's so weird I couldn't finish it.
Who's in it?
Can we get back to the cast?
Yeah, you don't know anyone that's in it.
That's cool.
I like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, can I be honest with you?
Pretty fucking scary.
Like you did freak out.
But not in a way where it's like, you know, you watch A Conjuring.
There's like, there's like, you know, what do you call it?
Jump scares.
Yeah, they don't have any of that.
Yeah, I hate when they do that on the internet.
I mean, I was going to just tell you when something's coming in and a baseball
flies to the screen.
You're like, don't do that.
Can I just tell you the first scary scene in it?
You're not going to see it.
Well, say spoiler alert to the fans because they get mad when you do this.
Spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert.
Right.
It's called men.
So this woman, she loses, her husband kills himself.
Right.
Big spoiler, by the way.
In the beginning of the movie, opens up with it.
Right.
Right.
How is that a spoiler?
I'm just saying.
Yeah, yeah.
Sometimes the spoiler's a little bit light.
This is, that one's right on it.
It's like, you're giving away a big piece.
Well, I can't explain this next part.
Guy kills himself.
Go ahead.
Okay.
So she decides to go to a small English town and get away.
She rents a house.
And you know, they're like, you know, it's, it's very like rural, right?
She goes on a little hike and then she sees a tunnel, right?
She goes in the tunnel and it's one of those tunnels where you can see the end.
You see there's a little light, right?
And she goes, ooh, ee, ah, ah.
And then the tunnel goes, ooh, ee, ah, ah.
Right.
There's an echo.
That's right.
And she kind of echoes and makes a song almost.
And all of a sudden at the end of the fucking tunnel, you see a man just stand
up and he's
completely naked.
And he just starts walking towards her, right?
Is he hard?
Is he hard?
No.
Big dick though.
Yeah.
And then she's in her, she escapes, right?
She runs away.
She runs away from him.
And she's like sitting there talking to her friend and the guy's just picking
fruit naked.
You know what I mean?
In the front of the line.
What kind of fruit?
Why?
Why does it matter?
That's important for me.
It makes a difference.
Yeah, it does.
It does.
Is that like an apple tree?
Oh, it's a peach tree.
Peach?
Love a good peach.
Oh, hee ha ha.
By the way, if you're going to be naked and pick something, peaches are pretty
clutch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then he just comes up the window and stares at her like this.
Still naked?
Yes, completely naked.
And I stopped.
Why?
That sounds like it's about to get good.
Yeah, I don't know what happens after that, but it's way too much dick for me.
That's how I felt when I got that pig.
Dick pig.
Yeah, too much dick.
That's why I brought it up.
By the way, what if he had his cock through a peach?
Would that be funny?
See that tunnel?
See that tunnel?
Part of me says yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.
Ooh-ee-ha-ha.
Yeah.
And she runs over.
That's a big fucking tunnel.
Holy shit, by the way.
I got in a YouTube wormhole watching cave, or maybe it was TikTok, cave people
that go
through, they go into those little caves.
They do cave digging or whatever.
Dude, it gave me the worst claustrophobia.
I'm watching it, and I'm freaking out.
These guys go through the tiniest caves.
Their bodies-
Underwater, right?
No, no, no, no, no.
This is just, they'll see a cave in a fucking mountain, and they'll just go
into a hole,
and then go as far as they can go.
It's caving, it's fucking insane.
There's a guy, look at how fucking it grossed me.
Dude, I kept, I couldn't stop watching it.
I was on the shitter.
What are they going to find?
I don't know.
Another dead guy who did the same thing that they did?
Yeah, I mean-
You should, I don't know what if, that's like that.
Like, what do you find there?
Like, a gold nugget?
Look up father and son caving.
Maybe it was TikTok.
I think it was YouTube or TikTok.
But these two, they go together, and it was fucking me up, dude.
I was like-
Like, I would do it if they said like-
No.
Sometimes they find diamonds.
Sure, yeah, gold.
No, they don't find nothing.
I know, I'm just saying, if that was the case, I might try it.
They just love the idea of going through these little tiny holes, and they want
to see-
And they map it out, so they'll draw while they're doing it what it's like for
other people.
And they leave, like, they leave stuff planted so other people know they were
there and shit.
It's insane.
I couldn't stop watching it.
Do you think when men do that, it has something to do with their mother?
To getting away from something-
Or going back into the birth canal?
To try to go back.
Maybe, yeah.
Some psychological thing?
Because I have no urge to go back inside my mother.
That was a dank place.
I got a nurse to go inside your mother.
Whoa, yeah.
That was an awful place.
A dank isn't good dank.
I like it.
Dark and-
Well, maybe that is a very, like, maybe that is a calling back to, like,
wanting to go back
to, like, being in these weird fetal positions and climbing slow and having to,
like, morph your body through-
That's the only explanation in my head.
Me too.
I guess that's me too.
But some people just like dare devil shit because it's risky as fuck.
It's risky as fuck.
You can easily get stuck and die.
Yeah.
They found a planet in our galaxy that the mountains are made out of diamonds.
Let's go.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
What are we fucking doing?
So, I would risk that.
I go, uh, okay, let's try it.
Let's die there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd rather die there.
There was some scientist, by the way.
What is that?
55 Cancri, the rocky world knows twice the size of the earth.
It has eight times mass.
It's a super earth, a diamond-rich planet.
Wow.
Yeah.
Let's fucking go.
I want to go there.
Let's go.
But we don't tell anybody.
Well, yeah, well, we just told, like-
Well, you, us three go.
Okay.
All right.
Would you go?
Don't tell anybody.
We told a million people right now.
Okay, so let's say Elon Musk, let's say Elon Musk goes, we can get there.
I don't know how we're going to get back.
I mean, you know what I mean?
But we can get there.
I think I can help you get there.
Yeah.
Would you go?
I'd have to think about it.
What?
Because what are we going to go, get all the diamonds and then die there?
Yes.
Yes.
Get the diamonds and die.
That's the point of life.
Yeah.
You want to be like smog from fucking, you know what I mean?
You're just laying on a bunch of gold coins.
You die on a bunch of gold coins.
You know what I mean?
Like Mount Doom, you know what I mean?
I think it's a great idea.
But who would get more diamonds?
I wouldn't even count at that point because it's like, I'm not going to go, wow,
she has
two satchels.
You know what I mean?
I'm going to compare bag sizes.
I feel like you would, though.
I think I would.
Can you imagine we get all the way there and none of us brought a bag?
And we're like, fuck, I thought, Juice, I thought you had a bag.
I didn't bring a bag.
I thought you were bringing the bag.
I would jam them in my asshole.
A hundred percent.
Well, we would jam them in the ass hole.
Oh, you would?
Yeah.
I would look like Ralphie.
You'd be my bag.
Full of diamonds.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd be my bag.
I'd be like, Bobby, I just got to fill you up.
I would do it, though.
But if I had to carry your diamonds through my asshole, I get 60% of it.
Oh, that's fine.
Okay, good.
I don't care.
Because I'm doing the lugging as well.
By the way, I'm not doing it for the diamonds.
I'm doing it just to see me putting stuff in your asshole.
That's all I really want.
Because if we can make it back.
If?
We're making it back.
Yeah.
But can I tell you what me and Juice might do?
What?
We might kill you and then just take the diamonds from you.
And then it's up to her and I.
You know what?
I've always known that about you.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'd do the same to me.
Because like in Dark Knight.
Because you'd do the same to me.
Remember in the Dark Knight?
Because you would do the same to me.
Where they keep killing each other in the beginning when they're robbing the
fucking thing.
Of course.
Yeah.
Don't do that.
We'd have to make a pact.
Okay.
You know what would be fun, though?
A side of contract.
Hey.
It'd be fun to tickle him.
What?
If we tickled Bobby and the diamonds just kind of fell out of his ass.
Yeah.
Oh, it's going to take us 40 light years to get there?
Yeah, that's not bad, though.
Bobby doesn't have that much time.
Yeah, I don't have that much time.
I'm 50.
We do.
Yeah.
We're good.
What about this, though?
Let me ask you something.
Yeah.
So let's put something else on the planet.
What else is up there?
Yeah, yeah.
So fuck the diamonds, right?
Diamonds are gone.
Yeah.
What if it was like just all women?
They're all top 10 women.
Top 10.
Yeah.
Top 10 on OnlyFans.
They're the top 10 on OnlyFans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're just like top notch.
Top notch.
Right.
And they don't speak.
They don't have mouths?
No.
No mouths?
No.
But everything else looks the same as a human?
Yes.
Okay.
They have three breasts.
Three tits?
Yeah, yeah.
So no mouth, three tits.
Yeah, yeah.
And they have a little bit, not a full one, but a little unicorn horn coming
out.
Sexy.
Pretty hot.
Sexy.
Yeah, it's sexy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they're kind of cross-eyed, too.
Why are they cross-eyed?
Why did you do that?
Because I'll tell you why.
Because they're always looking at the unicorn.
They're staring at the horn.
The horn.
Right?
So they're kind of a little cross-eyed.
Okay.
Right?
And just the perfect vaginas.
You did this?
The perfect vaginas.
This is perfect.
Yeah, perfect vaginas.
Right?
Would you take a trip up there with me?
No.
I want to have conversations with these women.
They can't talk.
Oh, yeah, me too.
But I would learn sign language or the way they communicate.
Okay, how about this, though?
Yeah, yeah.
Here's the trick.
There's got to be something bad.
Me, too.
I'm not as shallow.
There's got to be something.
Hey, there's got to be something bad.
One of the tits, if you suck on it, will detonate.
Like an IED?
Yeah.
Like a roadside bomb.
Right, so they're landmines.
They're tit mines.
Let's make it different.
One of the tits has like cyanide.
The tits are like, no, the tits are like shishito peppers.
You know, like one of them is going to be hot out of a batch.
Well, I won't suck on them, then.
If you touch them at all.
You say that now.
Yeah, you say that now.
You're going to want to suck some tits, especially if there's three.
Right.
It's the first thing you're going to do.
It would be like Deer Hunter.
You know what I mean?
It would be like Deer Hunter.
What about for Juice?
For Juice, there's a planet where there's a guy who has two dicks.
One for your butt, one for your poos.
And then he also has a dick on his face.
So it's one for your mouth.
So he's the three dick guy.
Interested?
And he's the best joke writer.
Yeah, he tells the best joke writer.
He's so funny.
Like literally everything that comes to his mouth is guaranteed to work on
stage.
It crushes.
So you can get back on.
Right.
So you have the two dicks.
Right.
Three dicks.
Three dicks, really.
One for your mouth.
One for your mouth.
Right.
And you're going to have great sexual satisfaction.
Yeah.
Right.
But you're also going to come back with an hour.
A new hour.
A new hour of material.
What do you think?
You know what I like.
Yeah.
But it's going to take you 10 years to get there and back.