Name: The Grave Robbers! | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2022-09-09T17:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Grave Robbers! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Grave Robbers! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-09. Transcript available.

I'm very appreciative of the Bad Friends fan base.
And so are the guys.
You know, it keeps them employed.
Because otherwise, can you imagine what these scumbags would be doing if it
wasn't for us?
What do you think Pete would be doing if he wasn't on this show?
He'd be a grip for like a low budget thing.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I see that.
That's cool.
Yeah, yeah.
I was going to say like grave digger or grave robber.
Sorry.
No, he's too big to be a grave robber.
What do you mean?
He's strong.
He's so strong.
He can lift the casket out.
You can't have someone, Carlos's size, lifting a casket.
It's not going to work.
But he's a big guy, though.
Pete?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's strong as fuck.
I know.
So I'm the guy.
I don't know who looks after the graveyard.
Let me tell you something.
You need a strong guy to help lift the casket.
There's no cameras.
You need a skinny guy like Carlos to wiggle down there to fit into small holes.
And I have this for protection.
And he's got a gun.
Yeah.
And you need someone like you to distract.
Oh, why?
Like what do I do?
Make love for the body?
You know, here comes the graveyard, the guy who runs the graveyard.
He's like, what y'all doing over here this time?
And you've got to be like, oh, we're just saying goodbye to our aunt that
passed away.
And we're paying our respect.
You have to distract while these guys are doing the dirty work, dude.
I got my shovel.
No, but I feel like under pressure, I would probably fuck it up.
Okay.
Hey, what do you?
Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
What the fuck are you doing in my graveyard, boy?
My Uncle Benji.
Your Uncle Benji?
He just died.
Benji Lieberman?
Ferguson Lieberman, yeah.
Benji Ferguson Lieberman, your Uncle.
Junior, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
He's in my car.
Wait, what?
I can't bury him?
No.
When does it open?
Man, you're fucking this up.
Like I wouldn't know.
Yeah, yeah.
You would have to pretend like you're paying your respects to the dead.
Oh, see, I wouldn't know that.
I'd be like, no, I'm trying to bury this guy.
Try it again.
I'll do it again.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What?
What the fuck are you doing in my graveyard?
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
The landscaping.
Thank you.
Oh, go ahead.
Walk around.
Is that good?
That's good.
That would have worked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're just admiring the world.
How about her?
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Excuse me.
What are you doing over here in our graveyard?
I'm saying hi to my mom.
What's her name?
Lipa Dua.
Oh, Lipa Dua's over there.
Row six.
Wait, Lipa Dua's your fucking mom?
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
I have to go.
I have to say hi.
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
Go ahead.
It's three in the morning.
I mean, there's no one here.
She's not going anywhere.
She's been dead.
Yeah.
That's mean.
What?
What?
That's mean.
We're grave people.
We're around this all day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think I'm like weirded out by the dead?
I mean.
She just died a month ago.
Yeah, God bless.
Yeah.
How'd she die?
How'd she die?
Cancer.
Which kind?
What kind?
In the vagina.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Was it the Bobby Lee?
Yeah.
Or was it the Bethesda gland?
Bartholin gland.
Was it the Bartholins gland?
The Bobby Lee gland.
The Bobby Lee gland, I'm saying.
You mean the whole part?
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Sorry about that.
Can I go now?
How old are you?
20.
I don't know if you're allowed to be here at night by yourself.
Yeah.
I'm really depressed and I just want to talk to her.
Talk to us.
Yeah.
I don't know you.
Well, get to know me.
But we're alive.
Yeah.
We happen to be alive.
And we'll talk back to you.
Yeah, yeah.
I want to talk to my mom.
I think you should talk to us first.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to see my new van?
Ooh.
No.
I just.
No.
You got to see it.
You got to see the new van.
No, I'm just going to get murdered.
We need your help.
We have a couch.
No.
We're loading into the van, right?
We need your help.
That sounds like you're going to murder me.
No, no, no.
You like wells?
Let me ask you something.
Okay.
This is not sexual.
Okay.
Have you ever seen a pair of testicles hang at the same length?
No, I haven't seen that.
Check this shit out.
Yeah.
No.
No.
Dude, we should do a fucking movie where we own a graveyard.
We're two guys.
What are they called?
Not morticians.
What are the guys that fucking run a graveyard called?
Morticians.
There's security of some sort.
No, no, dude.
Graveyard security.
They're called a thing because the morticians fix the bodies.
Yeah.
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to like prepare the bodies.
Like the makeup?
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, the makeup itself.
Well, first of all, they have to like drain them.
You know, you have to get all their organs out.
And then you fill them with formaldehyde, right?
You fill them with a chemical.
Yeah, formaldehyde.
Right.
It preserves the body.
And then if they had like a disastrous, you know what I mean, death.
Oh my God.
You have to fix their face.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Like mold.
Unarmed residential security guards, graveyard, weekends, swing.
We could fucking do it.
16 to 19 an hour.
What are they paying you at the library at school?
$16.
You could make up to $19.
I want to do that.
Late night.
Will you apply for her for this, please?
Yeah.
I want to apply for her to be an unarmed residential security guard at a
graveyard on weekends.
And it's a swing job.
So it's not full time.
You jump in when they need you.
There's some qualifications.
Oh, let's read that.
A valid California BSIS guard card.
Do you have that?
We'll fucking get one.
We got to get that.
You got a driver's license, right?
Yeah.
Bing.
Reliable transportation.
You got the Prius.
You got the Prius.
Yeah.
Great interpersonal communication skills when dealing with visitors to the site.
Well, we just try.
Let's try again.
Let's see if you can.
Okay, ready?
But this is real.
You're now a security guard and we're visiting, right?
So we just need you to be able to.
What do you even.
What do I have to do?
Why do I have to talk to them?
Well, fuck, dude.
Do you want the job or not?
Yeah.
I thought I was just looking out on the graveyard.
The people, their visit.
Sometimes the fucking graveyard is open and you're still a security guard.
You still have to make sure everything is going okay.
So people are coming to grieve or pay their respects?
Sometimes as a teenager, you got to kick off who's causing trouble.
So we're a couple.
We're a couple.
We're a couple.
We're gay.
Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Oh, oh no.
We're back here again.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
We're here to see our friend.
Ramone.
Ramone.
Yeah.
Who died.
Oh, um.
His name is Big Slung.
Big Slung?
Yeah, that was his nickname.
His nickname, Big Slung.
Is there any way we could, look, I know this is a weird request, but we have
this huge black
dildo.
Is there a way we could place this with super glue on the tombstone?
Yeah.
He loved black dildo.
He loved big black dildo.
Well, he liked the flesh, the fleshy kind, the real ones.
The real ones, but this is the best we could do.
We couldn't cut off a real black dildo and put it on.
Um, some people might find it inappropriate, but do you have any design that
can, like, kind
of cover it up?
That's interesting.
That's interesting.
Uh, like a box?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or, like, flowers to just, like.
So, if we get some flowers and make, put flowers around the cock, you'll let us
do that?
Yeah, you can do it.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Great.
Great.
Fucking great.
Look what she did.
Yeah.
She saw the situation, assessed it.
Assessed it.
And handled it.
Look at the bottom requirement.
Look at this.
Go to the bottom.
Note to the left.
To the left.
Ability to act with integrity in a professional manner.
And that's what you did.
That was exactly what that was.
The only thing you need is a valid C-A-B-S-IS card card.
She's never going to get that.
Never going to get that.
How do we get it?
Yeah, yeah.
I feel like we just need to get one of these fucking B-S-IS cards and you're in,
dude.
Yeah, how do we get those?
Welcome to the Bureau of Security and investigative?
Investigative?
But I don't have a visa.
Shh.
Fuck.
What the fuck?
God, you fucking snitch on yourself?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess we could apply online now.
Okay, let's apply for her, honestly, to see if we can genuinely.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get her on fucking.
We'll do this.
We don't need to do it.
You don't need to go through the, oh, you've got your user ID ready for the CA.com.
So seriously, when this show is done, I'm dead serious.
Please apply for this and I want to see if we can get you a job as a swing
guard for a security guard at a graveyard.
Why do you want me to?
Because I think it's going to be healthy for you in the real world to use these
skills.
Working at the campus bookstore, it ain't going to cut it.
Okay.
Let me tell you something, Rudy.
Here in America, everybody at one point in their life has worked in a graveyard.
Yeah, I have.
It's just a part of the thing of growing up.
Okay.
You know, what is that in the Philippines?
Is there a, oh, could we fake one?
I mean, yeah.
Let's Photoshop one.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, let's Photoshop it.
Yeah, we'll do that.
Great.
That's perfect.
Done.
You could work at the Hollywood Forever one.
The best.
The best graveyard.
Humphrey Bogart's buried there.
There's so many famous.
Look at the famous people that are buried at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
Do I get free food?
I guess.
I don't know if they have.
I just don't know.
It's like they don't have craft service.
You know what I mean?
It's not a shoot.
Look at this.
She knows none of these people.
By the way, Jane Mansfield, Cecil B. DeMille.
Oh, my God.
Josie Siegel.
Wow.
Johnny Ramone.
Wow.
Wow, dude.
Wow, look at the fucking level.
Look at the level.
Mel Blanc.
Dude, this is so amazing how many people are buried there.
Is Charles Chaplin the comedian?
That's very good.
No, the carpenter.
Very good.
That's Charles Chaplin the carpenter.
The carpenter.
Yeah.
The builder.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, is the comedian, the legend.
I know him.
Estelle Getty.
Do you know who that is?
No.
Okay.
I guess there's no, do you know the Ramones, the band the Ramones?
I've, I don't know.
Okay.
That one's got to be tough for you, Bobby.
It's just, everything is tough.
That's got to be tough that she doesn't know that.
It was the dog, but now it's the Ramones.
You know what I mean?
And then the dog.
Yeah, yeah.
Who the fuck is Virginia Rap?
Let's see.
Who is that?
She was a model and a silent film actress.
Not so many skills there.
She died after attending a party with actor Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle.
Love Fatty Arbuckle.
She was accused of manslaughter and rape in connection to her death, but he got
away with
it and now she's.
He was exonerated because he knew enough people.
You could get away with anything back then.
You could just kill someone and people were like.
No forensics.
You just, if you knew a cop, you were like, I didn't do it.
And they're like, he didn't do it.
Yeah.
I mean, that's how easy it was back then.
There's Fatty Arbuckle.
So he killed Virginia Rap.
Wow.
And he got away with it.
Probably raped her too.
Yeah.
What a fat piece of shit.
What a shithead.
Where's that fat piece of shit buried?
Yeah.
Let's see.
Look at that fat scumbag.
Look at that.
So he killed her.
I love how they say he was exonerated because, but they don't give any
indication over like
why.
Woodlawn Cemetery in New York.
Well, we're going to fuck.
When we go to New York, you want to go piss on his grave?
Fuck yeah, man.
I'll go piss on that fat piece of shit's grave.
Yeah.
And imagine having the name Fatty.
Imagine how fat you have to be for him to go, fuck it.
I'm fatty.
Right?
It's like.
Yeah.
Fatty Arbuckle.
Look at that guy.
He was a comedian.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that fat fuck.
That fat piece of shit.
We actually, we're actually being so mean.
We don't know if any.
We don't know.
We don't know what he really did.
Yeah.
But it did sound like if you were fucking charged with murder of somebody.
Let me.
Could Ralphie Mae do that?
I don't think so.
I mean, look at that.
That's fucking Circus Olay shit right there, dude.
You know who's not getting enough credit, though, is the guy holding the women
up top.
That must hurt his shoulders so bad.
I mean, Fatty's fat.
Yeah, yeah.
He's like a cinder block.
He's just hanging out.
That can't be that hard on his joints.
And those two poor women, dude.
What a nightmare.
Look at, he's grabbing their breasts, dude.
Yeah.
Zoom in on the one in the white.
Yeah, yeah.
He doesn't give a fuck.
Look at him.
He's grabbing her tip.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Zoom, zoom.
And she's like, can you get the pit?
All right.
Nah.
Breast or nothing.
I'm fat.
The breast.
He really is.
The right breast.
And look at her mouth.
She's always like, hey.
Cut it out.
By the way, silent film.
Yeah.
I mean, I know, you know, look, pioneered where we are today.
Incredible.
But can you imagine how easy it'd be to get away with being a bad actor in
silent film?
Oh, my God.
You don't have to fucking do anything.
One take, everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.
That's it.
One take.
Killed it.
A movie takes three days to make.
A full feature.
128 pages.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chaplin, though.
Chaplin, though.
When you're good.
You're great.
You're great.
Right.
When you're good at doing silent and making eye movements and hand gestures and
physicality.
Dude, we should do that.
A silent film?
You and I should do a black and white silent film with Jules.
Bro.
And Jetsky.
I'm not fucking kidding.
Let's do it.
I would kill to do a silent film with you.
We'll wear the fucking outfits.
What's the outfits?
You know, it's just like, you know, the black and white, you know.
They just wear clothes.
No, they, of that era.
But you couldn't, but they were, you couldn't see what they were because it was
black and
white.
They probably were.
Like those clothes.
Okay.
You mean of that time period, right?
Of that era.
Yeah, yeah.
Got it.
Okay, good.
I want suspenders for sure.
And then who's going to do the fonts?
The what?
There needs to be a.
Subtitles.
The organ player?
No, the fonts.
The subtitles.
Subtitles.
Oh, the subtitle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Title cards.
Yeah.
Well, Pete.
Oh, you do it in post.
Yeah.
My bad.
You do it in post.
Title cards.
In fact, why don't we do this?
Why don't, we don't write the fucking, you know what I mean?
Write it.
We'll just do the movie first and then we'll figure out what it is later.
Brilliant.
Right?
I think that's fucking genius.
I think that's brilliant.
I love that.
And that's your, you, that's your creative side of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's genius.
I fucking love it.
I love it.
A silent film from Bad Friends.
Um.