Name: Elvis Lee vs. Andrew Dahmer | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2022-11-24T18:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elvis Lee vs. Andrew Dahmer | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elvis Lee vs. Andrew Dahmer | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-24. Transcript available.

Welcome to the spooktacular Friends Halloween.
Halloween.
You've got to put Asians in the code.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
Boo-doo.
That was...
That was...
Welcome to the bad friends Halloween episode.
Yeah!
Everyone say who they are.
Bobby, go.
I am Jeffrey Dahmer is one of his victims, the Filipino guy he ate.
No, I'm Elvis Presley.
How you doing?
This guy over here is my good friend Elvis Presley.
How you doing?
Dad, why don't you eat one of the sandwiches I made for you?
That's real...
That's really good.
What does he say?
That's just...
It's some fish I cooked earlier.
That's why it smells over there.
It's not because of young black men's bodies rotting in the fridge.
Yeah.
It stinks 'cause I let some meat go bad.
So good.
I really messed it up this time, huh, Dad?
Yeah.
Oh, Dad, I'm in a real stinker now.
It's so good.
It's so good.
He would kill someone and they'd go...
I made a real stinker this time, Pop.
I'm in a real conundrum.
Someone's like, "Jeffrey, you severed his head."
Yeah.
Jiminy Crickets.
I never knew it was gonna come to this.
Yeah.
I'm Jeffrey D, baby!
And let's throw it to the girls!
What's up?
What are you supposed to be?
I'm Mother Teresa, Asian Filipino version who likes to also kill people and
maybe spank babies.
Oh, that one.
Oh, everyone's favorite Asian Filipino nun who loves to kill people and spank
babies.
And spank the babies.
I remember from the stories.
I read about that when I was a kid.
Yeah, me too.
It should be terrifying.
What part of the world are you from again?
Yeah.
Persia.
From Persia!
From Persia!
So you're an Asian Filipino nun who loves to kill people and spank babies from?
What part of Persia?
Um...
Quantanilea.
Guantanamo Bay!
Guantanamo Bay!
Guantanamo Bay!
Cuba, Persia!
I remember the stories.
And what are you supposed to be?
And next to you?
I'm a sick dog.
You're a sick dog?
Say it again?
I'm a sick dog.
A sick dog?
A sick dog.
What does a sick dog sound like?
Like this.
I don't know.
Dogs can't talk.
But I'm...
No, they go...
Well, they're...
Do we...
Now that's what they do?
Yeah.
When the cone is because you're sick or because you just got spayed or neutered?
Yeah, they took my pussy out.
Does that happen?
Yes!
Yeah.
They rip the pussy right out.
I thought it was only the penises.
They rip it right out.
The vagina out.
For what purpose?
What?
There's still a hole there.
It's just a deeper hole.
It's a bigger hole.
It's a deeper hole.
That's what they call it.
She got deeper holes.
Also bigger dicks.
Yeah, exactly.
They do it for the bigger dog dicks.
Of course.
Yeah.
Like a little...
Like a little...
Like a Yorkshire Terrier.
If she wants to fuck a pit bull, they probably get that operation.
Oh, I didn't think of it like that.
You gotta think of it that way.
And who loves pit bulls?
Black guys.
Black people.
And what do they have?
Big dicks.
Sometimes I eat a couple of black guys.
Yeah.
It's not my fault.
Let me ask you something.
Their skin is beautiful.
Now, when I saw that show, is that racism?
Mm-mm.
Oh yeah, it is!
He loves black people.
No!
That's not...
That's not...
We don't interpret it that way though.
I do.
I know.
You love something, you eat it.
What?
But think of it this way though.
I love black guys.
I just want to eat their body.
Jeffrey, let me ask you a question.
Go ahead.
Jeffrey, let me ask you a question.
I'll answer any question possible.
Okay.
So check it out.
Yeah.
So basically, it's in the 90s you did this.
Sure.
Yeah.
Did you listen to Nirvana or did you like the music?
Or?
Yeah.
I mean, "In Bloom" is a great song.
Right.
So what I'm saying is...
Never mind.
Okay.
In the 90s, listen to me, okay?
In the 90s, in Wisconsin, what?
There was like four Filipinos, dude.
You ate one Filipino.
That's basically wiping half the fucking Filipino fucking population.
It's actually a quarter if you do the math, right?
Yeah, yeah.
A quarter, right?
So how is that not racism?
Because I'm basically showing praise for how much I love those jungle Asians.
Right.
Right.
But is...
But why didn't you eat whites?
They're not my flavor.
They don't...
Oh, they don't taste good.
Yeah.
Imagine like this.
Yeah.
What's your least favorite food?
Mine?
Yeah.
Um...
Meatloaf.
White people are meatloaf to me.
That's true.
And you like fried...
Check.
Is that what it is?
That's what it tasted like to you.
Fancy says no.
Leave it in, Fancy.
Leave it in, leave it in.
Yeah.
I'm getting hungry.
And I like filet mignon and black people are basically filet mignon.
Right.
What about the Filipino guy?
You...
Well, Filipino...
Just a little something spicy.
Right, right.
A little spicier.
You need to shake it off.
Mmm.
You ever had Balut?
Yeah, I've had Balut.
Yeah.
That's basically Filipino guys.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's great.
Honestly?
Yeah.
I don't think he was racist.
I think he was a piece of shit.
Oh, no, that...
But I think he really loved black guys.
He was upset.
He thought they were beautiful.
Listen, okay.
He killed him because he was bad head.
Bad mind.
He's a legend.
He's a hall of famer.
He's a pioneer.
What?
No, he is.
Are we talking about Steve Jobs or Jeffrey Dahmer?
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Jeffrey Dahmer.
He's a legend, pioneer, right?
Yeah.
And he also is somebody that opened the doors for other serial killers, right?
Yes, yes.
Now, my point is that I'm giving him props, right?
Thank you.
I'm just – right?
In terms of the serial killer world, if there was, like, a Hall of Fame, you
walked in, you'd go, oh, there's the Jeffrey Dahmer section.
Oh, he's for sure in the Hall of Fame.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
But the racism – I could accept the eating and the cannibalism.
Okay.
The racism, I draw the line there.
He would be canceled today.
He'd be canceled today, but just because they don't allow cannibalism anymore.
No.
I don't think so.
It used to be cool, man.
All right.
No, but you know what?
How is it racist?
It'd be racist if he never ate black people.
Then he'd be like, I don't like the taste of black people.
That'd be racist.
Right.
Instead, he was like, they're so beautiful.
I want to rub their soft chocolate skin.
He was obsessed.
It could be, you know, I hate them so much, I got to eat them.
No, because he – didn't he do it to whites?
Did he eat any whites?
Bring up the list of people that Jeffrey Dahmer ate.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
He had to have eaten a white or two.
I know.
And he found out that he didn't like the taste.
But we're talking about Wisconsin.
If we were talking about, you know what I mean, South Central?
Milwaukee.
Well, there's more blacks, obviously –
Milwaukee is way more diverse than you think.
No, there's not – at the 90s, there can't be a lot of fucking minorities.
You're wrong.
You actually don't know what you're talking about.
Milwaukee is very diverse.
It is?
Okay, my bad.
My bad.
I didn't know.
Milwaukee has a very big black community.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Isn't all meat taste the same?
We're going to find out today.
No, no, no.
Well, that's a –
Lamb doesn't taste like deer.
That's a specific question.
Deer doesn't taste like fucking –
Yeah.
Doesn't all human meat taste the same?
Yeah.
No.
You don't taste the same as me.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm more pure.
But we're the same inside.
No, we're not.
That's what they tell you in school.
No, it's your –
Here's the thing.
The air you breathe, the food you eat, it all affects the meat.
That's right.
The stress.
You seem very stressful, Jules.
Okay, look at the list of names.
Zoom in.
Stephen Hicks, white.
Curtis Strotter, could go both ways.
Richard Guerrero, non-white.
Mexican.
Jeremy Weinberger, that's my agent.
White, that's white, yeah.
Jeremy Dox – Jamie Doxtar, white.
No, no.
Ricky Beeks, white.
No, no.
Jamie Dox-a-tator?
Dox-a-tator.
Dox-a-tator is black.
Dictator, Dox-a-tator, white guy.
All right.
Ricky Beeks, white guy.
Oliver Lacey, white guy.
Errol Lindsay.
What about Conorac, Cynthia Fafone?
Okay, Smithsonian Fafone is definitely Filipino.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ernest Miller, white.
Tony Hughes, maybe could be black.
Joseph Bradyhoft, white guy.
Matt Turner.
We don't know.
Yeah, we don't know.
It's too – Anthony Sears, again.
Black.
No, black.
David Thomas.
Black.
That's white guy.
No, Tom.
Dave Thomas is Wendy's, his owner.
He was white.
Yeah, but the C fucks it up.
David C. Thomas.
Yeah, you gave him the C.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, that fucks it up.
David C. Thomas.
Yeah.
Edward White Smith.
W. Smith.
White.
No, when they threw the W in.
No, but it's Edward White Smith.
You're right.
Okay, I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.
All right, so the dominant amount of these names seem to be white guys.
Yeah, but you're just making assumptions.
So the documentary was racist because they only showed the black murders.
I get what you're saying.
Okay.
Okay.
Quite frankly, I like men of all shapes, sizes, and colors.
Yeah.
I was actually offended the documentary only showed me attacking black people.
I attacked everybody.
Now, if you went to the Serial Killer Hall of Fame, where would you be more
excited to go?
Ooh, John Wayne Gacy.
That'd be fun.
The clown makeup.
Ooh.
Do you think they still have it?
Yeah, they probably have it.
I would look up the brand.
That's the only clown makeup I'm going to use.
What, right?
I would look at the brand.
I'd go, that's the best brand.
Look at that.
Is that Clairol?
Look at that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I have this.
His artwork.
Oh.
Oh, how much is that painting?
Well, how much is a John Wayne Gacy?
Oh, my God.
So expensive.
How much is a John Wayne Gacy?
Yeah, yeah.
Honestly, how much?
Let's go to auction.
Better than George W. Bush's in terms of the price.
I don't know.
I don't know, dude.
Watch.
John Wayne Gacy, expensive.
How much?
How much are these paintings worth?
Yeah.
Look at that one.
Pretty good.
How much is it?
A thousand dollars.
That's it?
I could buy that right now.
I could buy that now.
Let's buy John Wayne Gacy paintings for the studio.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, too scary.
But the money doesn't go to him.
He's dead.
Yeah.
It goes to his kids, and they need the money.
He's a better art dealer, I think.
He does.
Yeah.
Should we deal art for him?
Are these prints or are these originals?
There's no way these are originals.
That seems like a print.
Yeah, they're prints.
Original.
Original, dude.
What if we got into the business of selling serial killer art?
That'd be cool.
Bobby and Andrew.
Or artifacts, even.
Well, yeah.
I have one of Ed Gein's lampshades, and he used the skin.
You know what I mean?
I would probably charge 100 grand for it.
At least.
Dude, this is Ed Gein's.
He's Ed Gein's.
Yeah.
This is lampskin.
Lampskin.
Lampskin.
Yeah.
Didn't he do that?
Yes.
Yeah, take the skin.
Yeah.
And made lampshade.
And then when he turned on the light, did he say, I'm going to turn on the
light,
or did he say, I'm going to turn on Stephanie?
Juicy, are you having a hard time with that kennel over your head?
You can take the kennel off.
I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I might eat it after.
Take the kennel off.
Take the kennel off.
What did that painting say?
What did that painting say?
10,000.
Dude, 10,000, dude.
That's it.
Let's buy it.
That's it.
We got to buy it.
Let's buy it.
Does she need help taking us off?
Let's get some music put to this.
Her taking off.
Great.
Now you're free.
Put that closer to your face.
Lower it down so we can see your dog face.
Oh, and you went to go lick yourself.
Oh, that's good.
Scoot it down for her.
Hold on.
Oh, yeah.
Very good set tonight.
Thank you.
So we just did a Bad Friends live at the Comedy Store.
We're doing a tour next year.
We're going to announce the dates at some point.
Juicy was on it.
Killed it.
Killed it.
Killed it.
Yeah.
And where were you, Jules?
Get the mic again.
I was sleeping.
Sleeping.
She's sleeping.
Yeah.
You know, when I'm out of town, though.
I invited her.
What?
I invited her.
You invited her?
You bought her?
You bit her?
I invited her.
I invited her.
It's never going to get old with me with this guy's accent.
I invited her.
You've been here for 25 years.
Invite.
Say vite.
Vite.
No, not fight.
Vite with a V.
Vite.
There it is.
Bite.
I invited her.
I invited her.
And what did she say when you invited her to the live show?
She said, I'll show up to Bad Friends later.
Wow.
Yeah.
Do you feel like you're above us now?
No.
Yeah.
I just feel like sleep is more important.
Than your relationship with your Titos?
Yeah.
Okay, so backstage.
Wow.
Who was backstage tonight?
You, me, Ari Shafir.
Ari Maness.
Who Kanye does not like.
Also.
So him and me and Ari Maness.
You saw.
I saw.
We had it out.
We had it out.
Santino came in after and we filled him in.
I heard.
Yeah.
Well, you jerked off to his girlfriend.
Yeah.
With his penis.
With his penis.
Well, you didn't use his penis, but.
Well.
I saw it though.
His penis was in.
Yeah.
But in a way you jerked off with his penis to his girlfriend.
In a weird way.
Well, because when you're watching a porn.
You imagine that.
You imagine that's your penis.
Yeah.
So I was using.
You know what I mean?
He was my penis.
What did you say to him?
I just basically said, it's not right.
And I kind of.
I think I was mean.
Like, your comedy career didn't.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He said that.
He said that.
Yeah.
He said you were mean.
He already came in really sad.
I was really mean.
And then when you left, I was a little bit more mean.
I said.
I called him a willow tree.
I said, you're a willow tree.
Yeah.
And he goes, what does that mean?
I said, I like them, but God, are they fucking miserable.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know?
I wish I could have came up with that.
But I mean.
But he's a lovely human and we love him.
And look.
Yeah.
I love him forever.
It's just jealousy.
I told him it was jealousy.
Well, you're jealous that he's a bigger cock than you and it looks nice.
It's better all around.
And I'm just jealous.
That's all.
Yeah.
I can admit that as a man.
Right?
Yeah.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, have you seen it?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You think yours is better?
Yeah.
Okay.
I get it.
No.
A guy's got a nice pipe.
Yeah, yeah.
A guy's got a nice pipe.
It's nice.
Yours is pretty good, though.
I got a nice pipe, too.
Yeah, pretty good pipe.
Daddy's got a nice pipe, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But this is not about pipe.
You see my pipe?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Excellent.
And by the way, for everyone that's coming to the Bad Friends Tour next year.
No, no.
Don't be a dick.
Good pipe.
Pretty good?
Pretty good.
For my type?
For your size.
Thank you.
For your shape, really.
Okay.