Name: Bobby Almost Burns Down a Church | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-05-06T07:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Almost Burns Down a Church | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Almost Burns Down a Church | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-06. Transcript available.

- I tried to burn down the Korean church.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- Did I tell you about that?
- That's always a good thing to say to a microphone.
- Me and my cousin Andy, right, went,
this is gonna sound like a lie, but it's not.
- Okay.
- And so we went to this Korean church growing up
and one day my uncle caught me and Andy
opening up the trunk of my mom's car.
And my dad had a gas, you know, spare gas in there.
I was having it and a lighter
and we're gonna burn down half of the fucking church.
- Why would you do that?
- We hated it.
- With nobody in it though.
- I think so, yeah.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- I think so, yeah.
We were kids.
It's the same time where I beat my grandmother with a stick.
- Oh yeah, kid stuff.
- Yeah.
- Burn the church, beat the old lady, kid stuff.
- Well, she was paralyzed from neck down, so.
- Ah, she didn't feel it.
- That's right.
I mean, what kind of stuff did you guys get into as kids?
I guess now that I think about it,
we got in trouble for spray painting.
We got caught for like graffiti.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, that wasn't burning down the church.
- But we didn't actually do it.
I think we were scared, but we had it.
I don't know.
- You thought about it.
You went through the action of getting the gasoline though.
- Yeah.
- That's a big step.
- Well, it's not as bad as like, you know, shooting up a place.
- That's true.
- That's right.
- Hey, look at me.
- Right?
- That's right.
- Yeah, just look at the bright side of things.
- That's a bright side.
What did you do?
You weren't a bad kid.
- No, I would have friends like Bobby that'd be like so scared.
They'd be like, come on, we'll just burn the church down.
- Right.
- And I'd be like, please don't make me do it.
- But here's why.
- Well, here's why it's not that bad.
- And I'll tell you too.
- It's your own religion.
You weren't gonna burn, like it wasn't a hate crime.
'Cause it's your own, it's like you wanted to burn down
the thing that you were connected to.
'Cause you were mad about it.
- But not just that, I was mad at the idea that, you know,
Korean parents view their children as trophies, right?
So, you know, you would hear like at a party,
my daughter Sue, she gets straight A, she go Harvard, right?
- She's getting harbored by somebody?
- No, she's going to Harvard.
- Hubbard, she's going to Hubbard, Hubbard, Iran.
- Harvard.
- Oh, Harvard.
Got it.
- Yeah, I'm saying the way they said it.
- I'm so sorry.
I thought you were saying Hubbard.
- I'll do it again and I'll try to make it more.
- Go ahead.
- My daughter Sue, she gets straight A, she's going to Harvard.
Does that feel better?
- That sounds great.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- And then my dad would be like, they would.
- But imagine a conversation if they did that.
- Yeah, yeah.
I don't do the show intellectual, she's going to go to Dartmouth.
- It's like a movie dub, but they like didn't have enough money.
Yeah.
- God, it's so funny.
- Yeah, we only have enough money for Harvard guys.
- So they what?
They show each other off and the kids are trophies.
- And my parents never-
- Did you wear that consolation prize?
- What?
- Did you wear that consolation prize?
- No, I mean, I think some Korean people thought I was dead.
- Because you didn't get talked about?
- That was never talked about.
- What about Steve?
- Because he got straight A's.
- He did?
- Oh yeah, my brother was, my brother had Bible passages on his wall.
My brother's room, I swear to God, looked like John Doe's room in Seven.
- Yeah, like a red cross, black wall, and just like, it was weird.
- He was fully in.
- He was fully in Christianity.
And then what happened is my brother lost state.
My brother was ranked like four in the nation as a wrestler.
And he went to state and I remember he just dropped the ball.
And I remember him, it just, there was so much expectation and pressure,
and he couldn't do it.
I mean, he was a great wrestler.
And I could, that day, I remember seeing a switch in his eye,
and then he just became a pothead.
- Good switch.
- Yeah, it's a pretty good switch.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So you didn't damage anything as a little kid?
- I remember being late, like when we had a curfew, you know.
- Time out.
You remember being late?
- Well, it was bad because my mom was like, be home at this time.
And I think it became like a habit.
Like I just kept.
- How late?
- Like hours.
Like I would just disregard any rules.
- Oh, hours.
- You're a bad, bad girl.
- Wednesday night, midnight, you come home?
- No, maybe like seven or eight, but I was in like fourth grade,
third or fourth grade.
- Whoa, what?
Who are you?
What were you doing in third grade, staying out till 9:00 p.m.?
- I was just riding my bike with my friend.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- We weren't doing nothing bad.
But I remember when I stopped because I came home,
and my mom and sister set up the Christmas tree without me.
- Oh wow, that was the payback.
- That's how I would get punished.
It was like with guilt.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Did your parents ever give you the talk,
like what to do if like a van pulls up?
- I don't know.
- Ready?
Two van guys.
Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, can you help us with this couch?
- She's gonna lift it and put it in the bag.
- You want some candy?
That's the original one.
- You never saw the signs of the lamp.
All right, let's start over.
- Hey, you want some candy?
We know your dad.
- You want some candy?
It's no sugar.
- Is this 2023?
- No, I don't know.
- Oh, the candy's vegan.
- It's vegan, you know what I mean?
And yeah, and you want it?
- But you know my dad?
- I know your dad.
- Yeah, Cliff?
- That's not his name.
- That's his nickname.
- It is?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you guys must know him better than me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, hey, come in the van.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- You wouldn't have done that.
- No.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, but I remember one time
we had this lake by my house
and I was hanging out with my friend there,
Miranda.
She was a bad influence.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we were probably breaking the curfew
and this guy was fishing in the lake,
which now that I look back is weird
because I grew up in Tempe, Arizona.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's no fish in like-
- There's no fish in the Tempe Town Lake, no.
- The suburban lakes.
- Yeah, it's disgusting.
- But he like gave me a frozen fish.
- What?
- And I brought it home to my mom.
She was like, "We're not eating that."
- Oh, really?
- You can't, you know, this is a,
you can't raise your kids in Phoenix.
It's just, you just can't.
- You can't.
- I mean, lovely that you turned out so wonderful,
but man, we're-
- You either turn out like completely right wing
- Yeah.
- Or Doug Stanhope.
- Yeah, or her.
- Or that.
- She's like, she's like,
uh, you're like our Doug Stanhope.
You're, what's a female, you're like Debbie Stanhope.
You're like Debbie Stanhope.
- Yeah.
- I remember when we moved from the suburbs,
I mean, from the city to the suburbs.
And I'll never forget.
They were like finishing up a plate,
like a window that was above our front door,
like a little window above our front door, you know?
And the kids-
- I'm trying to visualize, slow down.
- Yeah.
- Say it again.
- There was a window above our front door, right?
That like-
- Oh, I see.
So it's like, let me look.
I'm looking at the door.
- Yeah.
- And then I look up.
- Yeah, there's a what?
- There's a little like, is it like, um-
- It's, it's big.
It's a good size window.
- It's a, but for birds to-
- For birds to look in the house.
- Okay, okay.
- And a couple of kids in the neighborhood
threw a big rock through it.
- Oh my God.
- And shattered it before we moved in.
Like before we were even out there.
And then we went to visit the house
because the contractor was like,
kids broke in and did a bunch of damage to the house.
- Wow.
- And I remember,
I remember being inside the living room
and being so mad because I was like,
I do this stuff.
You don't do this to me.
Like I was a little asshole.
I was like, oh, this is like the universe
paying me back for being a little troublemaker.
I was like, ah, I'm going to find out who did this.
I'm going to kill those kids.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm not kidding.
I was so mad because I was like,
they broke into my mom and dad's new house.
Because this was our first house.
Like we would lived in apartments until then.
- Oh, in the city.
- In the city.
- Yeah.
- And then I was like, they fucked up my mom's first house.
- Oh, she bought it?
- Well, my mom and my stepdad did.
But I was like, this is the first time she lived in a home.
- Did you invest?
- Yeah, I invested.
I think I put in like-
- I need to know the details.
- 30 or 40 bucks.
- Yeah, dollars?
- Yeah.
And I remember trying to find out who did it.
And then I found out who did it.
- Who was it?
- In the neighborhood.
- Let me guess.
I guess his name.
Starts with a B.
- Oh, Bartholomew.
- That's right.
- Right.
That's a name, right?
Bartholomew.
- Bartholomew.
- Bartholomew Simpson.
- Bartholomew J. Simpson.
- Yeah, good.
- He did it.
And then the guys that I found out that did that,
I became friends with.
- Of course you did.
Of course you did.
- They were the kids I got caught graffitiing with.
It was like, as soon as I found out,
I was like, you guys threw a rock through my mom's window.
And they were like, yeah,
we're just fucking around.
I was like, cool.
- Yeah.
- I wanted to be friends with them.
I was such a puss.
I thought I was going to like fight these kids,
but then I was like, I kind of liked their vibe.