Name: We Have a New Asian | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-05-22T07:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Have a New Asian | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Have a New Asian | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

well what we got ourself a brand new asian well am i being replaced because
this is fucking
first of all she accused me of saying a jungle asian i've never said that have
i no roll the
tape yeah and also i love all people i know there's some some there's some asians
i don't
even know what island they're from those are the weird ones so many of you guys
there's so many
more than there's different varieties i love it look at he's got his gunner
jersey on my boy
you know what i'm so sorry i i um i love you i love your soups i love your
movies what was it full
metal jacket really good movie a classic it was really good who directed it coob
coob the coob
have you seen it oh yeah coobsy boobsy baby really you've seen it i've seen it
what is it about the
army yeah and wells and a really tough jacket no it is full metal yeah it is a
full metal it's
tough she's not wrong it's not adamantian steel like no marine wears but it's
pretty close yeah
pretty good so we got ourselves a brand new asian you have to announce yourself
because you're going
to be on camera yeah she's she's on camera she's my new carlos she's my new carlos
much better
you're looking hi hi yeah man they're all the same you guys huh i'm like that
quiet and polite no you're
not you're the exception of the rule i think i got dropped in my head 99.9
percent of asians are
hi quiet sweet polite just like lovable wonderful people and then there's you
yeah my dad goes pick me
up as a baby this one broke put a bucket it cook more no no no your dad tried
to shove you back in
your mom yeah there was something wrong with me since day one well she's from
uh where your mother
lives she's a she is a phoenician as it were we got a new arizona uh phoenician
in our midst so we
got two az scumbags in the house because i saw you at my house the other day
right yeah and you
were with who are you oh you're coming up with i thought she was with david so
and tim check out
i don't know what's his last name chandran sue chandran sue yeah and um i
always call him tim
kookamonga i don't know what because i just don't know how to say his last name
but sounds right yeah
yeah but um and i thought oh dave and tim brought a you know their daughter i
don't know what it was
you know what i mean but then she works for us she works for us now amazing and
i saw she has a
tattoo right in the middle of her chest it's undeniable to you have to see it
it's like she's
pulling focus what does the tattoo say it says it says 666 and i was like what
does that mean to you
do you know what 666 is well when she looks at it it's 999 that's right so that's
what she said
yeah yeah um 666 is the mark of satan the mark of the beast of the beast beelzebub
beelzebub and then i don't know if you guys know that but they just approved uh
satanism to be taught
in schools yeah is that what it says yeah oh shit that's her name area code
what is it that's her
name that was her mother's pet name to to to come here too yeah that's what it
sounds like when i'm
making love just the actual song go anyway um no two two two because it's what
explain it in the mic say
what it is it means like alignment and that if you're on like a path that you
feel like you're
it's kind of rocky it's like no you're on the right path you're aligned this is
a tattoo that
only someone from arizona would have right because boy oh boy is it treacherous
out there
it's pretty treacherous what's so um there's a lot of people like you out there
huh a lot of
hippies yeah yeah a lot of hippie dippies it's a hippie vibe right
do you like the grateful dead no i do i think they're terrible really dude i
don't want to hear
a jam in g major for 45 minutes they jam for like 45 fucking minutes i love
them it's fun big fan
you like them a lot of times what was the lead singer's name uh ted close i
heard the first part
yeah almost ted ted ted no yeah jem jem jem that's her that's his name gems
yeah how'd you know
ted gems big fan ted gems was the lead singer his name was jerry garcia oh
right there's an ice cream
named after him i thought you meant the guitar how many fingers did he have at
least eight true
pretty good he had nine he had nine and a half nine and a half yeah a little
stubby bubby
my my girlfriend in high school her brother was like a huge deadhead yeah or
just a fan of of
jerry garcia and there was like a an iconic poster that has his handprints on
it and one finger is
obviously missing whoa and every time i went in there i thought he's gonna do
that to me because
he finds out i'm fucking his sister he's gonna fucking yakuza he was oh he was
yeah he was yuck he was
yucked up he was yucked up dog yeah when yakuza are yucked up they're yucked up
dog can i play you
guys a song that struck me this week go ahead and we're gonna be free and clear
on this song can you
acapella it no no but i want you to hear some of it because i think we won't
get clipped for this
because it's public right because it's pbs okay i don't want to live on the
moon type that in my
buddy chris o'connor shout out o'connie's send it to me i've been listening to
it all week
i don't want to live on the moon
people i love so although i may go i'll be coming home soon
because i don't want to live on the moon
no i don't want to live on the moon
are you okay man i relate to ernie so much
this is what you sing when you're in australia missing your wife
no you know what honestly it's a metaphor for it that's written for adults
maybe a song for kids
but that's definitely for adults i literally thought it was good the last line
was gonna be
something crazy i know you did yeah yeah but i wanted to start it with a way
from the heart
i wanted the show to start from a very sweet simple place and let me tell you
something that song
is so deep and so perfect so simple i thought he was gonna say you know i don't
want to live
on the moon you know what i mean like a song i think that was implied yeah yeah
yeah because he's gay
oh yeah well first of all are they not allowed on the moon no but i just
thought that the end there
was going to be a payoff at the end i know you did two minutes i know you did i
wanted you to take
that in and really absorb that song well the end is him getting back into bed
with bert and they start
fucking no i observed they don't have a double they have twin brides yeah they
push them
they push them together oh they do at the end oh yeah yeah that's the unedited
version oh really
the explicit version he pushes about together and they start 69ing and you're
like this is made for
adults yep oh i see i don't want to live on the moon how beautiful it's
stunning you know what dude if
i think about it it's so stunning and beautiful because think about it dude
okay you ever looked at the
moon i want to go out there and then you think what am i going to do when i get
out there i gotta i
be back here by everybody i love yeah i mean if i was on the moon die you would
die you would die
too no way i'd be prepped you wouldn't bring shit i wouldn't even bring the
thing carlos would call
you the car to the moon you get the car to the moon hey man you have a 7 a.m
pick up
you'd make it i'd show up nothing you'd pack nothing right they would shoot me
up everyone has their
helmets on in the suit you'd have i got nothing you have an arsenal jersey and
a vape yeah and a vape
can i vape in space that'd be their first question and i walk out and i just
implode yeah you would
implode turn into that dust packet from ramen noodles yeah no wi-fi on the moon
can't switch
can't switch on the moon dog i think you can can you switch on the moon i'll
tell you why
why because um wi-fi is from satellites boom there's wi-fi nice try jess yeah
nice try
damn all right satellites guess where they are space not in the sea
are they in the sea they are they absolutely are they're in the sea yeah i'm
learning a lot about
space dude what is wrong with you today i don't know man i know you're do you
know what let me
say something to you that hit me in a weird way jolly right now that hit me in
a way you know what
it really is it made me i missed home we got home and i thought that's what
that song is about that
song is about being back with the people that you love and the tour bus is the
moon the tour bus is
the moon i don't want to live on the moon but we can visit it we can visit the
moon we can visit the
moon and then i learned about space i learned divine divine heavenly wait
divine geometry there
is 108 108 moons in between the moon and the earth and there's 108 suns in
between the sun and
the earth you tell me that's not crazy sacred geometry look up 108 moons maybe
literally literally
what the fuck is wrong with your smoke the big one today yeah yeah are you high
right now yeah oh yeah
yeah yeah i got picked yeah i could tell a little bit yeah i got i don't like
it 108 look at that
jesus christ divine geometry look at this there's 108 suns between the sun and
the earth there's 108
moons between the moon and the earth you're telling me that's not wait wait
between the moon and the
earth there's 108 moons between the sun and the earth there's 108 suns aren't
they asteroids they're not
fucking they're not moons i think he means like distance distance dog they're
not really the moon i mean
she's got it there oh 108 moons if you put them together yeah yeah i think that
there's 108 moons
in between not literally two fucking things i was like i've never seen that i'm
fucking that's how
much i like the movie dean pimp when you finally got it she clapped a little
bit she went like this
oh you got it i like her i like her a lot you know that's my daughter right
yeah you wish
oh you think if i had a daughter she wouldn't look like that no
if i had a daughter who would it look like you with tits he has tits yeah yeah
before you get
your hair cut yeah you now look like your son all the tour you've looked like
my daughter would be
haughty no chance fuck yeah no chance first of all i would have her underwear
would be made out of
a fucking cage yeah because she'd be showing her butthole to everybody yeah
yeah the butthole queen
her butthole would be loose but vagina no one's been there oh right so she's
catholic yeah you let
him in the back yeah the back get in the back door yeah that would not be your
daughter i'm sorry dude
first of all what would my daughter look like then not good offensive what
because if i did if i
fucking had a baby with like glenn close doesn't matter right it would look
like you know what it
would look like an explorer oh yeah yeah yeah with glenn close an explorer yeah
like you know he travels
the seas or she they they oh they you let your daughter choose their gender but
don't get too far
ahead of yourself yeah it's not even alive yet you'd have a good looking kid i
take it back you're a hot
guy i i am stoned i know but if you look at my photo of when i was 20 i looked
okay you look really
cute i did this to myself yes you did dude what's wrong with you right now
nothing i like it sing
the song for me oh i'd like to live on the moon no i don't want to live on the
moon you don't want to
i want to live on the moon yeah you do see this is the problem that's what that
that's why ernie
wrote that song because it's for people like you that think they can live on
the moon all the time
This was a lesson I'm trying to impart on you.
Can't live on the moon all the time, man.