Name: The Lazy Beaver and the Wolf | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-05-28T07:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Lazy Beaver and the Wolf | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Lazy Beaver and the Wolf | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-28. Transcript available.

- The amount of times Bobby's farted into the mic,
I guarantee you we're getting fucked for some of those mics.
- I've had so many good ones out.
- They've been awesome.
- They've been pretty impressive.
- Yeah, there was one like machine gun Vietnam.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You know what it is too?
- What?
- Because your butt is angular.
- Thank you, thank you.
- It is, and it has the perfect slappy pappy sound.
- Exactly.
- It does.
- It's got like little bat wings.
- That's what I've been doing though.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a very good butthole.
- That is your butt.
- That is a hundred percent, oh my God.
- That's it, that's my butt.
- You have Hank Hill's butt.
- I have Hank Hill's butt, dude.
It's amazing.
- Damn it, Bobby.
- I got that surgically done.
- You did?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, so.
- Have you seen that guy that's gotten all his surgery,
he's gotten muscles, fake muscles put in his whole body?
- Oh, I'd love to see that guy.
- He's like Russian or something.
He's got, so look, a hundred percent of all of his body
has been surgically done.
Look at this, look at this, look at this.
That's one of the cases.
That's not the main guy.
That, but this is them injecting fake muscles into them.
They, they're not strong.
These guys can't lift anything,
but it's all like different chemicals
and waters and solutions and saline and shit.
- They look like Popeye.
- This guy got fake, those are fake abs.
They're injected.
- Are they drawn in?
- No dude, that's put into his body.
That's like a physical piece.
- Look at his face.
- Well, that's not an ab.
His face isn't an ab.
- Oh.
- That's an abscess, that's different.
- Yeah.
It looks manufactured.
- I mean, and let me ask you something.
Being the only girl, you're a girl too.
You're like more of a kid though.
- Hold on though.
- Oh my God.
- What a moment that just happened.
- I'm a girl.
I never saw my dad's penis.
- No, we say guys get to see their dad's penis.
Girls, you see your mom.
- The reason why I said that,
I'm so sorry to apologize.
Did that hurt your feelings?
- No, yeah.
- So it did, right?
- Yeah.
- But can I tell you why I said that?
Because I don't view you as a man or a woman.
I view you as a comedian.
Up here.
- Oh, that's bullshit.
- No, you know what's so funny?
Couldn't agree with you more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Couldn't agree with you more.
- Yeah, I don't treat you like I would any other comedian
that opens for us.
- That's right.
- And that's my slave.
- That's beautiful.
I don't see you as a man either.
- Okay, I can take that.
You know what, I'll take that.
What do you view me as?
- A comedian.
- Okay, thank you.
And that's good.
- What do you view me as?
- Also a comedian.
- Okay, good.
- Good, good.
- I was waiting.
- No, to the lady in the room.
- Let me ask the two ladies in the room,
is that sexy to you?
- No.
- No.
- Fake muscle guy, no chance.
- But why do they do it then?
- It's for self,
they feel like that's gonna help their image.
- Anyway.
- Sad, sad.
- It's sad.
- I like my body.
- I like your body.
- Yeah, it's blobby.
- It's not blobby.
- Yeah, what do you think, blobby?
- It's bobby.
- It's bobby.
- It's blobby.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You're blobby.
You remind me of a stress ball.
'Cause you know how like,
depending on the day.
- Yeah, I know what they are,
but let me think about it.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Hmm, to me.
- It hurt.
- Why?
- Stress ball?
- First of all, everybody wants to-
- Because they're squeezable.
- Everybody wants to touch 'em.
- Okay, they feel relaxed.
- Tell me when I've said something
that's not correct about you being a stress ball,
metaphor stress ball.
Everybody wants to touch it, right?
- Okay, let me say true.
- Can I finish?
- Let me just say true or false after everyone.
- Fine.
- So say it again.
- Everybody wants to touch it.
- Bing.
- True.
- It's disposable.
You can throw it away whenever you're done with it.
- Boom.
- Balls.
- I was really waiting on the false sound.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You are a stress ball.
- Yeah.
You know what you are?
- Driftwood.
- Hell yeah.
- Fuck yeah.
- Deadwood.
- Yeah.
- Just floating along the fucking river.
- Misshapen.
- I can't wait till it'll be from-
- Misshapen.
- I can't wait till it'll be from-
- It's soft.
- It's soft.
- It's soft.
- It's soft.
- And sweet.
- Bing.
- Yeah.
- Deadwood.
- Yeah.
- Just floating along the fucking river.
- Misshapen.
- I can't wait till a beaver uses me.
- Bing.
- True.
- Dry.
- Bing.
- True.
- Yeah.
- Unfuckable.
- Bing.
- True.
- You've never seen a good piece of driftwood
you wanted to stick your dick in?
- I fuck everyone.
- Yeah, are you kidding me?
- I fuck every single one.
- You ever seen a beaver's dam?
I wanna fuck the shit out of those things.
- Yeah.
- Show me a good old beaver dam.
I'll show you a boner right here in the studio.
- When you just said that, it's interesting,
because if I had my personality in a beaver,
I wouldn't have a dam.
- Yeah.
- Cause you have to work really hard to make one.
- Look at those two beavers.
If that's you and I, right?
That's you and I.
- Right.
- First of all, you're in the front,
you're sleeping.
- Well, cause you know,
that's a Tempur-Pedic log he's sleeping on.
I don't know if you know that, but yeah.
So I'm sleeping and then you're going,
come on dude, we gotta make the fucking.
- Post about the dam.
- Post about the dam there.
No one's going to know it's here.
- We're going to the Phoenix fucking dam in two weeks.
- Post about it.
- Right. So, um.
- No, that, that, honestly, you would be the worst beaver.
You'd die.
- No, you, do you need a dam to live as a beaver?
- Why do they build them?
- I think flex.
- You think that's a big flex?
- Yeah. It's like, check out my dam.
You know what I mean?
But I don't need it.
- Why do they build Google that?
I have no idea why.
- I don't know why.
Because it's not that secure, is it?
- Maybe they like still water.
- It's, yeah.
I like that.
Maybe they like, they like floating.
- Let's try to guess.
- Why do beavers build a dam?
I think, you know what I think it is?
- What?
- Breeding.
- I think it's for breeding.
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
- It's for breeding.
- Yeah, it's gotta be.
Why do beavers build dams?
Beavers build dams across streams to create a pond
where they can build a beaver lodge to live in.
These ponds provide protection from predators
like wolves, coyotes, or mountain lions.
So it's gotta be for breeding too.
- No, but check this out.
- Check it out.
I have good people skills.
The wolves, they love me.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, they do, dude.
- You're gonna be the one beaver.
I'm a wolf.
Ready?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Hey!
Char...
Hold on.
- You're dead already.
- No, no.
- You're dead within seconds.
- Let's try again.
- Okay.
- Give me another test.
- You won't get another life in real life.
- I gotta know.
- All right, ready?
- Hey, Rivera.
Remember I gave you the mushroom last week?
And the nut.
Yeah.
- Maybe.
- I'm just gonna go my way.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
- Where are you from?
- Korea.
I'm a Korean beaver.
- You're a creaver.
- A creaver!
- On you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'd let you go.
- There we go.
I'd be friends with all the predators.
- I guess that's true.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but then you'd attract them back to the dance.
- I wouldn't give a foster.
- 'Cause they'd be like, where's Bobby?
- What she's saying is, they would be like,
"I wanna hang out and go see that guy."
But then they would let...
One guy in the circle would be like,
"I know we like hanging out with him,
but we should fucking eat him, right?"
- But then I would have a side deal with that guy
and go, "You can eat all my friends."
- Oh, yeah.
- It's a fucking side deal.
- Which beavers in the room
are you throwing under the bus first?
- Oh, fuck.
Probably you.
- Yeah, you're gone.
- Yeah, you're gone.
- You're fucking gone, dude.
- The Asian one, you're gone.
- Yeah.
- And then you're last.
- I'm not kidding.
I'm gone by that time.
'Cause you've tipped me off.
I'm running away.
I'm like, "Guys, I'm going to get more wood."
Wink, wink.
I'm fucking gone.
- What I would have done is written a letter
on a piece of bark, right?
Run.
- Run.
- Yeah, dear Andrew, run.
- Dear Andrew.
- So I'd hand it to you.
- Well, you...
- Oh no, these are my fucking wolves friends.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.