Name: Bert's Sexy Time Secrets | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-06-08T07:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert's Sexy Time Secrets | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert's Sexy Time Secrets | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-08. Transcript available.

and i told rogan uh tom's cheating on christina i was like something's going on
man like he was
acting so fucking weird yeah because it's just off it's out of character out of
integrity from
him yeah and so i i was talking to rogan the other night and we're like and he's
like
how's everything going you know you know rogan sometimes can get that inside
vibe from you yeah
i go something's going on with tommy he goes wait what's going on i said i don't
know man
i can't track it but he's not coming to my premiere and rogan's like whoa he's
not coming
to premiere and i was like dude and then and then you know how like sometimes
you sell your
buddies under the bus i was like he was in europe for 40 days he only had like
10 shows like what's
going on yeah and he's like wait what do you think's going on i go i think he's
cheating on christina he's
got a wife over there now yeah he's got that swedish wife and then he's like
and i go he's looking good
he's in great shape he's wearing gucci everywhere he's got rolexes porsches he
smells like i would
swoop in on christina if that happened really yeah because i know that she she's
dated asians
before two oh she has two asians so she has that fucking little fucking thing
she likes a little
yeah she's like the yellow one i think they were i think they were like no
offense but i think they
were like they were like gentrified asians what do you mean they were like
regular like
more accessible asians no no no no no bobby bobby bobby you're like you're like
i'm the rice guy i
carry the rice no no no no you're like more like food truck asian yeah they
were like they were more
like they were more like like a chef no they were like corner office asian yeah
yeah but i'm more
like roy choy like i have my own like you know yeah he owns a food truck yeah
he owns a food truck
yeah that's what he's saying you are roy choy yeah you are roy choy no that's
what i'm saying i agree
like i have one called coconut cupcakes soy boy you're soy soy boy coconut
cupcakes yeah yeah yeah
yeah no no no i agree still cool i agree with you i agree with you okay here's
the deal she's not
gonna fuck you man it's definitely not you're fishing she's not gonna fuck you
if if tom cheated on her
and she was single no i could think i could swoop in dude like a little bird no
chance absolutely not
absolutely no no no no no i would i would argue what she's upgraded so much to
like i bet i bet she's
not even her sons are bigger than you that has nothing size has nothing to do
with it has almost
everything seven what she's he's seven he's bigger than you and he like they
can't have their new dad
be smaller than them right that's not how it works and they live in austin you
show up in the house
and they're like uh don't make the bed but it's okay well let me ask you
something if does danny
devito have a shot yeah no no no no no no no no no yes he does listen let's
talk this is a great this is a great
pivot what would christina fuck after tom yeah so wait now here here's the deal
okay remember she's
into fat guys that's who she married a fat guy and then he's lost the weight
yeah and it's he's
unrelatable now and for my son are we gonna be real or not yeah and we go to do
a live shows and they
break they chant bring back fat tom yeah who would be who would be the next
pick who's kind of a
chunky bunkie that she'd get into stavros oh she would fuck the shit out of stavros
she would go out
before me he's so hot way way before you he's so hot okay this is the weight
thing then i think
that's her thing yeah yeah she'd chubby chase her yeah like leanne right if
leanne married again do
you i don't i don't you might be in her wheelhouse yeah your wife yeah oh yeah
for sure because she
would be like a bird i'd swoop in she would love you little asian birds i go
inside the nest
wank wank leave and you don't like to have sex a lot you like to play video
games i like to fuck
no fuck machine well hold on that's not the story i read on reddit i still like
to fuck i'm a fuck
machine no no no you don't think i'm a fuck machine you're not really a fuck
machine you're like a
you know you're you're like a i'm not electrical i'm like more than what the
you have to wind it up
okay okay hold on let's define ourselves i would say i i argue that people say
that i work too much
right yeah so i'm a work machine andrew you are kind of a work machine i'm a
little work horse
bobby if you had to name yourself one type of machine is it fuck machine or is
it sleep machine
i'm a sleep machine yeah probably a sleep machine i'm a sleep machine that
happens to fuck you know
you know what you are you know what machine you are what you're the ice cream
maker at mcdonald's
because it's always broken it works sometimes once in a great way that's a good
analogy
but when you get it it's delicious delicious i know but it never fucking works
right it never
works and you know what everyone comes by and goes how come that thing is still
out of operation
yeah it's 51 years old how is it not fixed by now right and they go we don't
know we've tried over
the years it's just in sleep mode and we can't wake it up because if we do it
shakes and putters and
we've got to let it rest okay you have to let it rest this morning i woke up
and i i was it was
beautiful i was listening to little goose and i was fucking i was naked leanne
was naked and we
were walking around the i see in the presidential suite at the w hell yeah they
gave it to me that
you guys fuck today you fuck this morning this morning god bless i love fucking
nice too
really nice yeah it was really nice good make out session before we just
started making out again
like making out like full-blown making out and it's so i out secret time but i'll
share it
we fucked in my car the other night wow where we're is it a bronco 50s no some
big mercedes okay
we came home from the comedy store
we went to dinner at saddle ranch what at midnight you did and and leanne saw
she'll never listen to this so i'm gonna share everything yeah so leanne saw
two people to a guy
and a girl walk into the women's bathroom together and she came out and we got
in the car and i was
a little buzzed and she was like can you believe they fucking in there they
they go
into fuck isn't that crazy can you can you believe that is this miss pat your
wife it is yeah i was
there last night i know she was she was patten and not bobby and so i said i
said you used to be
like that i just randomly said you used to be like that oh boy we pull into our
house she pulls under
the carport so i can't see her outside of her room and she grabs my dick and i'm
like whoa and she
just starts making out with me like making out like we're making out making out
and then takes all of her
clothes off in our fucking under our carport and dude i got i got i got three
times i remember
fucking leanne right three times like when i die on my deathbed the three times
one was on a jet ski
in a cove totally naked when we were very young uh was it still rumbling yeah i
was worried about
alligators and snakes and then what y'all doing down there hey boy hey boy how
am i getting leave it in
leave it in her boy one time was in my truck where i slammed my thumb in the
car and i finished anyway
right and then this time was in my mercedes and it was what are we talking
front seat back seat
front seat front seat reclined it all the way back i'm by the way my assistant
and my social media
manager gonna have a hard time driving home with me in that car yeah now they
are now they are i've
seen your testicle yeah you've seen me naked yeah a couple times yeah but i saw
it and i got i was a
wonder i was i i still i'm mesmerized by it big balls have you seen my my
shoulders are jacked we
saw last night i benched two i once benched 285 the other day 285 for real and
how old are you right now
50. there's not a lot of 50 year olds that can do that yeah what do you think
you can bench be
genuine be real yeah like the bar is well i've never tried it well the bar is
45 you think you get
the bar oh i'm gonna i'm gonna jump in and answer this no i'm gonna jump in and
answer this for him
yeah yeah my daughter has a hard time in the bar and i'm betting bobby will too
you guys have no idea dude all right yay shame my point is is this okay i was
on a wrestling
team dude 30 years ago stop doing that you're living in the past dude i bet i
could throw a
football over the mountains it's over it's over people think that i can't even
move you don't
fucking move you don't move check this out get in front of us right now and do
what and do a push-up
do a couple do it do a bunch let's see and i weigh 285.
let's see let's see yeah i want to see it yeah do it facing us let's go all the
way down and hold it
come on back one one that's actually impressive right there two keep going
three let's get to ten
four five he's speeding up because he's getting nervous six go all the way down
seven all the way
down eight come on nine ten and we're running out of breath the whole podcast
will be you look at
this so great dizzy he's gonna pass out he's gonna hit his head you know what
yeah you can do the bar
you can do the bar you can definitely do the bar now breathe into the mic let
me hear your breathing
i haven't done it so long i didn't know if i had it but i know i still got it i
saw a glimmer you
still got it you still got it you still got it you know what i mean so that's
in your face yeah