Name: Double Dipping, The 3-Second Rule & The Holly Ghost | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-07-14T07:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Double Dipping, The 3-Second Rule & The Holly Ghost | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Double Dipping, The 3-Second Rule & The Holly Ghost | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-14. Transcript available.

did you put that dip back in your mouth yeah good double dip double dipping dog
that is way
past the three second rule i understand that but but i'm just first of all can
we talk about that
real quick what did did scientists measure that fucking three seconds why they
did seconds they
did germs only move at a certain speed that's right right so in three seconds
in 1956 they
found out they did a bunch of research to find out terms are slow terms are
very french fry on
the floor let's oh germs have an extra chromosome i think a dad started that
because he was tired of
his kids wasting food yeah it's like uh three seconds you could still eat it
okay germs have
an extra chromosome they're a little slow oh they do they're a little not know
that they're a little
slow they're downy a little bit okay do they have boo what there's down
syndrome germs are there germs
that have like spinal bifida they kind of you know that's why they call it downy
soap because it like
it balances out all right that's what i'm saying is like are there dwarf germs
there are smaller than
regular yeah yeah smaller than the eye can see right and the other germs make
fun of them they do
they pick on them yeah come on tommy yeah catch up well just the best i can
just the right
right so what i'm saying you know what's the longest something could be on the
floor before you'd eat
it i've eaten things after like a couple hours actually kind of on the floor
yeah the floor floor
like a potato chip yeah oh see potato chip i'm okay with because it's fried and
coated not gravy i
i wouldn't scoop up or of course not but i want to yeah yeah yeah okay let's go
over the list of
things that falls on a dirty kitchen floor that you would pick pick back up and
eat a potato chip
i'm totally i i'm okay with it i'm okay with potato chip what about a a piece
of fruit like a
strawberry i was just thinking that no no it's too wet what about a hard like
an apple has a hard
outside apple's not wet on the outside oh yeah 100% apple's fine a full apple
yeah full that cut
yeah yeah oh then watermelon then yeah because you could wash it oh no sliced
watermelon no just a
whole watermelon and i can't know of course water that's fine it sits outside
that's what i'm saying
yeah all right so what about something that's a little bit uh like a like like
a uh peach because
a peach is soft and a little moist it's fine if you could wash it no you can't
wash no that's the
whole point you can't wash this yeah in this fucking center no wash you can't
wash it that's the
whole point of this no washing a peach yeah you're eating it yeah okay i and
for some reason
i would eat a rib like like cooked ribs like that is the most that's the worst
it's covered
because i can eat one side of it or something the sauce is like the sauce i
know but if it's like
on a side i could eat the side that's not on the floor all right check it out
slice of pizza falls
face side up right so just the crust hits you're still gonna eat it hell yeah
oh that's interesting
pizza is always good yeah because the crust is hard yeah and it's and it's
burnt i would eat it you
what how many hours though thick six no four an hour an hour max yeah what
happens after one hour
oh that's well that catches up
the downy terms i mean finally gets there yeah yeah okay what about what about
like uh um
what about a liquid that spills no no liquid at all if they had clearpatra's
breast milk i might
taste it that's dried no it's preserved in a sarcophagus imagine they open the
sarcophagus
she's holding just a bottle of breast milk they preserved it would you yeah
take a sip yeah it's
history yeah would you um okay let me just ask you another question then would
you meet abe lincoln's
boogers you know they used to collect his boogers who did abe's wife mabe i'd
have to try it
maybe maybe name because i've had i've had like modern day boogers but i've
never had when's the
last time you ate a booger for real a day two days hours i'll be honest with
you did you eat a booger
today in the car if it has the red driedness to it i sometimes eat it blood
yeah if there's a little
bit of blood on it it gives it a flavor you know i mean yikes yeah have you
ever eaten a booger yeah
i've never eaten a booger never in your life no that's so not true that's such
a lie my hand to god
my hand to god i've done much you don't believe in god i don't give a fuck i've
done embarrassing
stuff even when you were a kid never never because i saw the kids that did eat
boogers and they
grossed me out yeah me too but sometimes it happens even worse that's insane i'll
be the first to
admit i have no shit yeah nobody's blown away not shit you've tried poop never
you've licked it you've
licked poop you look at me and say you've looked poop now if cleopatra's was
looking at me stop diverting
you have one time tasted your poop look me in the face i swear i gotta have it
say swear on
everything i swear on everything that you've never tasted i've never eaten poop
that's ridiculous
tasted not even on accident there's no flavor i know that there's no flavor i
know my point is i know
you've tried right have you tried your own spunk can i ask you about have you
tried you can we go back
to cleopatra no have you tried your own spunk what's a spunk your own jizz yes
everyone has no i've
never never never not one time in your life never no no curiosity nope none
yeah nope i see it i smell
it i know it you got to do that tonight though the booger and your jizz you
have to but you have to
both you've got to become when you do it you feel like it's cannibalism because
you're eating your
kids you're eating your own food peeps so it's not good no you didn't like it
can i ask you something
you're a scientist god bless right you discover the tomb of cleopatra here she
is right mummified
right yeah you as a scientist you go i want to see what's on the inside right
you unravel her
right i'm just i know yeah everything's petrified except for the vag it's
perfectly intact that's how
you become the mummy it it awakens then brendan frazier has to come back and
kill her
brendan frazier as the whale comes back yeah i've always wanted to be a uh what
indiana jones did
what an anthropologist archaeologist that's what i mean let him let him have it
let him have it the
way he wants an archaeologist i think you should be an anthropologist no i'd be
cool be an archaeologist
you would raid things no but i've always wanted to like go to like a dirt field
with those little
brushes you imagine you have the patience to do that that's insane you have to
go to school first
oh i could ruin my dreams man no but but let me ask you a real question yeah
you know you'd have
to see you yeah of course i go to school man that's not that you sit out there
for hours and hours and
hours you have the patience to do that yeah hunched over in the dirt if there's
if i can find like an
exotic coin yeah but it's hours and most days you find nothing i know but if i
can find one but let's
say you don't you spend your whole life but if do i get like you know back like
in jurassic park and
stuff they give you like the city funds it they find like an um i think
philanthropic billionaire
most funds my research most of these i'll just be out there in the middle of a
random field and
just do that all day yeah you're funded by like some non-profit but you're not
making a lot of money
you can't you're a foundation is sponsoring you you're making a little bit of
money to survive
yeah but that's better than like working at denny's says who you're right the
grand slam you don't want to
slap those on tables all day long no but if you could discover like you know
what i want to discover
find that little knife that stabbed jesus in the gut knife he got nailed he got
nailed to a cross no but
there was a didn't somebody stab him on the side i knew they read different
stories in korean churches
they did they did they did right yeah he's thinking of judith but it's not yeah
but he didn't kill him
i know but if you could discover that knife wow and then you have jesus's blood
on the tip of the knife
would you lick it no one'll lick it no clone it yeah like jurassic park like
jurassic park jesus park
you have a bunch of jesus's jesus park yeah yeah jesus park
and there's like a jesus on a tree
they do that'd be so cool dude i would make hundreds of them yeah it's not a
knife it's a lance
what the holy lance yeah that's dear jesus it's called the holy lands yeah and
they've cloned him
and they found it lance i think it's still missing the lance i think it's
saying holy lands it is a
holy land yeah but so the holy lance did they ever find that thing spear of
destiny it's also called
yeah spear of destiny they ever find it still missing it's still miss dude let's
find it sounds
suspect today what still missing didn't happen really he was never shanked i
think jesus made everything
bigger than it was like walk on water he skipped across a pond judas probably
just bumped
into it yeah oh did you see what judas just did he stopped me it was just in
the farmer's market
jesus relax wait who's the x-men that did split the ocean wolverine oh wait
sorry i got my stories
who's the guy from the biblical times that did the divine yeah there's an x-men
that split the oceans
oh yeah moses moses part of the sea that's a guy that's dope he's not an x-men
yeah was he
who else could split the ocean apart like that moses x-men yeah he's like uh
that's interesting
moses was jewish right or aquaman wasn't he jewish moses yeah and he split the
scene he goes oh too
high the water was so high all right can i can ask you another thing about the
bible yeah i've been
thinking about this yeah you know how jesus turned water into wine why did he
do that because let me
ask you something he's god right so he could fucking turn water into any
beverage even beverage that
weren't even invented like a pina colada imagine if he turned the water into pina
colada and they're
like what is this but i think one of them so much easier to communicate what do
you mean well wine he's
like you know grapes wine and everyone's like okay but it'd be sorry to be like
pina colada you know
yeah the flavor of coconut that you get but that's so cool like this is from
the future it would be
funny how to like name brands in the bible yeah that's a sugar-free red bull
they're like whoa i'm
not i'm not tired what sugar don't worry it's free of it yeah i mean you could
do any beverage yeah he
should have turned it into actually i don't know i you know what that's a
really really good question
about it dude and why did jesus if he was all so powerful exactly how come he
didn't just heal
everybody right only lepers what about hiv yeah he let those go yeah imagine if
like there was like
jesus please i'm i'm dying right will you help me yeah like a freddie mercury
guy you know what i mean
thick mustache yeah yeah imagine yeah that's what jesus looks like no i'm just
saying if you could cure
hiv they do say jesus was a frequent at bathhouses so but don't he could only
heal the people that
believed in him and his dad yeah you had to believe in both what if you just
believe in one i don't
think you can no that's like a package there's three of them right holy ghost jesus
and god they're
the same yeah all three of them you gotta believe in no but the holy ghost is jesus
when he's dead
whoa dead jesus is holy ghost wait i didn't get that far yet that's at the end
in the book yeah
it's a pretty good book he dies yeah yeah no sorry man