Name: Noah's Ark & The Omen | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-07-15T07:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Noah's Ark & The Omen | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Noah's Ark & The Omen | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-15. Transcript available.

has been consumed most likely in the history of humanity more than water was
consumed at one point
because water was deadly and poisonous.
Yeah.
But because through fermentation, people would often drink.
Like, it was not unusual for people of a certain era to drink spirits in the
morning for breakfast.
Yeah.
Because water was poisoned.
Yeah.
Water was filthy, I mean. It was polluted.
Whoa.
So they would just, you know, you would make alcohol and it's easier to drink,
safer to drink.
You know who would be the worst follower of Jesus?
Who?
Bert Kreischer.
He'd have fucking gallons of water.
Come on, Jesus.
Every time Jesus would make something, he finishes it.
He's like, water.
Come on, Bert.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't you think?
Water.
Do water into Tito's vodka.
Come on, Jesus.
Jesus, secret time, secret time, secret time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know much about the Bible.
I was not raised with a religion, so I don't know much about it.
I don't know much either.
I just know what I've heard.
I know bullet points, you know?
Yeah.
It doesn't show.
What did you just say?
It doesn't show.
This guy, you know, he's a Catholic.
Yeah.
Like, who's the guy?
The Jonah?
Not Jonah.
Noah's Ark.
I was just thinking.
No, no, no, no.
I like that one.
Not Noah's Ark.
Jonas Brothers?
Are they in there?
Jonas and the Rainbow Coat.
No, there was one guy, right?
The book of Job.
Yeah, Job.
Is that his name?
Yeah, Job.
Is it Job or Job?
Job.
Okay.
But spelled the same?
Yeah.
Yes.
Remember the transatlantic accent?
That's where it came from.
So Job.
Job.
Job.
It's not Job.
It's Job.
Oh, yeah.
So Job, let me tell you about Job, right?
Tell me all about him.
I don't know much about him because I'm just through memory.
God took a lot away from him.
Is that that guy?
Job.
Yeah, God took from him.
A lot.
He killed his wife.
Killed his wife and kids, right?
Kids.
Yeah.
And all that, right?
And then.
And Job was like, yes.
Yeah, yes.
But he was like so dedicated to God that at the end, God goes, here's more
women.
Yeah, he gave them all the chicks.
God told me to do it.
See?
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
This is God's will.
But wouldn't you be like, yeah, that's nice.
But what happened to Cynthia?
And my son, Billy.
They're replaceable.
They're all replaceable.
Yeah, I'll be mad.
They're in heaven now.
They're happy.
Imagine if you get to heaven and God speaks with a transatlantic accent.
Hey, we've been waiting for you.
Yeah.
Are you a duke-em-ups?
I'm a duke-em-ups.
I remember you.
Hi, God.
Anyway.
Welcome to the pearly gates.
What are some other Bible stories?
Well, you know about, you know.
Tell me about.
Well, what about like.
Well, Noah's Ark wouldn't fly now because he's got two of every animal.
But he would have to get trans animals too.
Can I say that?
Mm-hmm.
Because there, you can't, right?
The thing that tripped me up about Noah's Ark is that this show.
No, no.
Cut that out.
No, no, no.
Don't cut it out.
No, no.
Because Noah got two of every animal.
It's too much.
It's too much.
Too many genders.
Yeah.
He couldn't do it.
At least it's a small bow.
He needed a double-decker.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, Noah was a double-decker bow.
A triple-decker.
Here's another thought that I have though, right?
Let me ask you something.
So, Noah brings all these animals, right?
Mm-hmm.
A pair.
But then no two Chinese guys?
A Chinese couple?
No.
It's just white people then?
What do you mean?
I mean, think about that, right?
It was just him on a boat with animals.
I know.
White guy.
And some of his family.
But fuck the black people and the Chinese and the Mexicans.
So, they had to start over?
There wasn't Chinese and Mexicans there.
There was no Chinese and Mexicans in the Bible back in that day.
Dude, you're talking about this is in the fucking Middle East.
It's in the fucking Middle East.
Why would the Chinese be in the Middle East?
That's my point.
Really?
So, there are certain fucking animals that are...
Pandas.
You think pandas are in the Middle East?
But they had two of those.
No, they didn't.
They had two of all animals.
That's not in the song.
They did say two of every animal.
Yeah, they said two of every animal.
Well, so we know it's a lie.
Sloth from Papua New Guinea.
But do you think about that?
No, because it's all fucking bullshit.
No, it's real, dude.
No.
It's the Bible, dude.
No guy had a fucking boat with animals.
It's fucking insane.
And where the fuck the unicorns go?
Exactly, dude.
Yeah, it was bullshit.
Oh, maybe they didn't make it on.
That's why we don't have them today.
Oh, they didn't make it on.
But everybody else made it on.
Crickets made it on.
Crickets.
Crickets made it on.
Yeah.
Flies.
Centaurs, minotaurs, and mermaids, they didn't make it on.
Why didn't they make it on?
Well, mermaids can swim.
Yeah, but they didn't want to take a break.
They didn't want to hang on the dock.
Exactly.
I guess.
Let me tell you.
Yeah.
There's no fucking way that guy had every animal.
That's impossible.
There he is again.
That's a woman.
So, yeah, you're right.
But here's...
What's up, dude?
My point is this, okay?
What is it?
Look at him.
What is it?
It's something alligators and long neckies.
Two humpty back camels and some chimpanzees.
Some boats and running all over.
What song are you singing?
It goes galore, but you don't want to see no dinosaur.
That's in Noah's Ark.
Do you know that song?
I know it in Spanish.
What is in Spanish?
It's the same rhythm.
Yeah.
It's the same song.
Two alligators and long neckies.
Some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees.
Some cats and rats and elephants and sure as you're born.
I've got no dinosaur.
Some shit like that.
Yeah, because they were pretending like he fucking forgot the dinosaurs.
Yeah, it's not real.
Scam.
You're right.
Scam.
I just thought about it.
Big bang, baby.
Big bang guy over here.
Right.
You're a big bang?
100%.
Bing bang boom.
I'm a dinosaur guy.
Yeah, big bang.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, we believe that they took him out.
I'm a dinosaur.
Are you a dinosaur guy?
Jesus created the dinosaurs.
Boo.
Boo.
Not true, not true.
Take a walk.
Yeah.
Can I tell you something?
What?
I don't believe in any of it.
Yeah, me either.
You do believe in dinosaurs, though.
100%.
Fuck me.
Well, some people do believe that people buried the bones to disprove
Christianity.
Right, Satan.
Like, Satan.
That's a theory, right?
Yeah.
Satan went all around the world and fucking planted dinosaur bones to confuse
everyone.
Can you imagine if Satan was getting frustrated when people were...
He's like, don't bury it there.
Oh, right, right, right.
He just buried his skull there.
That's not going to make sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, that's it.
You're going to hell.
So it's like, why are you being...
He's so demanding.
We're trying our best.
I know.
Satan's a dick.
He's a dick.
I'm trying my best, Satan.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Does Satan have a son?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because Jesus is God's son.
He's right here.
Oh, no.
Isn't Damien Satan's son?
Yes, Damien.
Damien.
Damien.
You never saw Omen?
No.
You never saw that?
Dude, Omen's the best movie.
Damien is the son of Satan.
Yeah, Damien is...
We're going to watch it tonight.
Omen's so far scary.
I think Omen's so scary.
It is very scary.
Scarier than Heretic Day?
You wouldn't find it scarier now.
I recently saw it like six months ago.
Really?
Omen, yeah.
Are they still scary?
The first two, pretty scary.
Yeah.
I feel like now with technology, when I see older, scarier movies, I'm like, eh.
But here's the scary part in the Omen movies.
They go back to like some sort of ancient site, or archaeology site, and they
dig through
this tomb, and they see a painting of Damien in there.
No.
Yeah.
Pretty scary shit, man.
Yeah, but okay.
But think about it like this.
Whenever we saw like hieroglyphics and paintings and stuff like that from a
long time ago, so
many times...
Why are they doing this?
They didn't know how to draw arms yet.
Oh, really?
They couldn't put them down by their side.
Yeah.
They just always hit them up.
Yeah.
What it makes me laugh is like, you think about how intoxicated were some of
these people
when they were doing this?
What do you mean?
When they were making some of these like crazy drawings, like you go back like
natives,
like a lot of native stuff like that.
They're on fucking peyote, or mushrooms, or ayahuasca, and you see some...
So a lot of these visions, was it because of the intoxicants?
Yeah, because I've seen some of my notes during some of my visions.
That's what I'm saying.
When I trip, and I'm like, this could go on a wall somewhere.
Right.
But it don't make no sense.
Also, they're similar in many caves.
There wasn't like a Basquiat heroine guy that did his own thing.
There had been, but there's probably...
And then some caveman was like, no, no, that's not good.
Not good.
Yeah, yeah.
And he's like, whoa, whoa.
Well, yeah.
The poppy seed guy.
The poppy seed.
The poppy seed guy.
God, the heroin back then must have been so good.
I think it's probably better today.
Yeah, but if you could figure that out back then?
If you're the first guy to do it?
Yeah.
You see what, what, what, a poppy seed?
Yeah, a poppy seed field.
How did they figure that out?
They look at it?
How did they turn it into heroin?
There's probably one guy that smoked everything.
Like an oak tree.
He's like, I don't know, my throat hurts.
Yeah, someone had to try all of them.
They tried everything.
And he got fucking lit up on that shit.
A poppy seed.
And then imagine the first guy that was like, we should put it in my blood.
Like, put it right inside of my blood.
And they're like, Nathaniel, that's not going to work.
I don't want to smoke it.
I don't want to eat it.
Throw it in my fucking blood.
Wow.
I'm sure someone tried to stab themselves in the heart with it one time.
Wow.
For sure.
Oh my God.
The first heroin.
The first heroin.
Dude.
Or imagine the first time the guy, the first guy that sniffed cocaine.
Because I bet they would eat it, taste it, touch it.
Yeah, who made it into powder form?
That guy must have been fucking genius.
Yeah.
We're like, yeah, that's the jam.
Do you imagine?
You know how like, you know when you first start masturbating when you're a kid
and you're
not really talking to your friends yet about it.
You know, like everyone's kind of keeping a secret.
No, no, I'm saying.
And then you slowly start to speak to each other about it.
Right?
But when you first do it, it's kind of like, you don't talk.
So imagine, imagine the first couple of guys that were doing cocaine and then
they all
get together and one guy's like, so how's it been?
He's like, dude, it's been amazing.
My nose is a little bit.
And then one guy's been sticking it in his ass and he's like, wait, you guys
are in your
nose.
What do you put it?
He's like, I just, I jam it right at my ass.
Just coke in my ass.
You guys are in your nose.
Why?
Yeah.
It goes to your brain.
Yeah.
But your assholes.
Yeah.
I guess I'll try the nose.