Name: Tom Cruise & Designer Deaths | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-07-27T19:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Cruise & Designer Deaths | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Cruise & Designer Deaths | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-27. Transcript available.

this is why i wanted to talk i wanted to bring uh your guys's road road road
road story
i don't know where else you're going with this yeah are you doing a space movie
next is that
why you threw this up are you in that tom cruise where he's living tom cruise
is living in space
right now you do know that right do you guys know this no he's in space as we
speak filming
uh a movie in space uh the first civilian look there it says he's there now
apparently
he's there now shooting stuff right now wow dude incredible i think that's this
guy is genuinely
the greatest movie star we've ever had he really is we've ever had did you see
the scenes for mission
impossible on the motorcycle yeah i mean well that one that we did it nine
times six times but nine
they or 15 okay just give me nine 12. he did it 76 times but that one to me i'm
like i would do that
one everyone was like oh man that one i'm like adam no you wouldn't i would you
adam yeah i would the
only reason why i don't know if you saw my quibi series uh bad ideas with adam
divine yeah yeah i would
okay i did see it i did see it okay yeah i've never even i've never done a
motorcycle i have and so i
would be you know i would not make the launch you would hit the rent he would
hit me fall dude i had a
motorcycle i bought a motorcycle when i was trying to be a hollywood bad boy
for a while like eight
years ago something like that where is it now and uh i sold it yeah i i because
i live up in the hills
and i was coming down my hill and there's like a hairpin turn and i crashed
this bike all the
time and i of course i ate it again coming down this hill because i'd get
nervous trying to take the
and i just ate shit dropped the bike and was so embarrassed uh you know that
that that i just dropped
the bike and there was this construction they were doing construction on this
house and i was so embarrassed
that i dropped the bike in front of these guys that i just looked and i ripped
my helmet off
i looked into this bush and go squirrels
did you really yeah as if we're the squirrel's fault like i was like and then
it's like looking into
the bush as if this squirrel made me drop my motorcycle wow imagine if one of
the construction
workers came over he's like i know about that yeah that piece of he's done that
every day to me yeah this is his mother he just holds up i think you're gonna
say you threw the
keys at one of the construction workers keep it keep the fucking bike i wish i
did something that cool
i know but i was like so ashamed that i picked up the bike like it was like 800
pounds they're heavy
as fuck yeah i'm on the side of a hill i lifted it no problem just with like
the embarrassment
adrenaline embarrassment rage yeah so let me say based on the story you just
told yeah you cannot jump off
a jump with a parachute yeah why there's no way why can't i because you're you
dropped it on a turn
in the hill dude you're gonna drop it as soon as you go off the fucking lip of
the thing i know but
you wouldn't make i think you'd hit something before that you're off the side
imagine the
shoot just doesn't open do you know how to do the shoot dude you've never how
do you know it's there
whoa whoa whoa do it again do it again that's literally perfect that that's how
you're here and
and you have to do that first of all both of you guys are wrong it's right here
yeah yeah it's down
here well dude i can't get around this fucking well that's gonna be a problem
when you're out there too
yeah you think that's just now that's what happens but have you ever skydived
adam yes you have yeah
oh have you no see so who are we gonna believe can do this no i didn't say i
could i said you can't
okay yeah yeah you can't you can't i think we're we're sipping a little haterade
right now because
i did some crazy okay i hosted shark week multiple times has he hosted shark
week tom cruise
no he hasn't you know now that i think about it he has not yeah so i can do all
his okay you
know what by the way this is our little shark week we did actually bring you in
here to pitch
you something yeah bobby have a little invention okay are you willing to hear
the pitch am i gonna
invest in this dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
dun dig a dig a dig a
ding what are we singing hello adam uh my partner bobby lee and i am andrew
santino we're not adam
it's hello shark hello shark yep we're we're here presenting a product that
hello hello cheerio this is my
partner pierce bronson sorry this is my partner pierce bronson yeah we're here
looking for eight
million dollars eight for a half a percent in our company in our company and
our company's called
cheerio cheerio i think there is a company shark do you like cereal but it's
spelled yeah with four e's
andy yes pierce all of the vitamins this is a vitamin heavy cereal called cheerio
are you interested uh i think i'm gonna pass this off to mark mark cuban yeah i
think cuban's gonna have to
cuban or uh i mean spanish whatever spanish or mexican yeah yeah i think your
valuation is a
little yeah yeah oh really last year we made sixty seven hundred dollars yeah i
think we're on track
this year to make tens of millions my favorite is when they just guess what
they might be making oh yeah
when they're like uh we're on track everything goes the way we want it to it's
going to be a 120
million dollar company next year and you're like yeah if everything goes the
way you want it to sure
yeah then my company is going to be google yeah then i'm then i'm going to be a
billionaire i never
bought it that always bothered me i knew a girl that did that by the way that
did that show in fact
her brother is the guy that created rick and morty justin roiler and then oh
yeah she made like a
clothing company went on there uh and i was and i didn't want anybody to buy it
not out of spite but
out of like you can't have two super successful siblings yeah it's got to be
one well that's like
david spade and then kate spade sneak uh uh aren't they related in some well
her she she married his
brother yeah she married in also that blood also rest in peace okay oh she did
she do it okay kate
kate spade kate spade died committed suicide oh no thanks for bringing it up my
bad what the
god damn can we do a moment of silence for adam divine not knowing about um
designer designer deaths
thank you and george george floyd too he was not a clothing designer was he no
but we talked
about it earlier might have been well you got to take a moment because you're
the one that did all
sorts of weird george floyd stuff yeah the ferguson yeah well no because of
that little asian well can
let me just say something about that asian cop though i've never said this
before is if you look
at all the photos you're on his side i knew you were gonna say it i felt it
coming here's why i hate
him right in every photo you see him he does this yeah you can't believe it
yeah what going on
he's murdering a guy he asian guy what going on but it is true what is going on
yeah do your job
stop that what if his job was what's going on guy at the precinct they leave
the precinct they're like
and and you're the killer you're you're the uh the bag you're the lookout and
you yeah yeah what's
going on you're what's going on yeah yeah he's like i'll practice perfect get
out there buddy hate
that guy yeah he's in prison one of the worst guys but if you get offered to
play him in a film
you're doing it yeah yeah yeah no but i would change the line maybe what
happening what happening
that's better right right so like make it my own or whatever yeah i'll improvise
yeah yeah man
you're always dude you're thank you too good improvise yeah you're a good
improviser taking
another line that's already and changing it just ever so slightly yeah yeah i'm
pretty good huh yeah
i'll tell you what yeah do you ever have a moment with your wife where you're
talking about you know
like something that you're passionate about like a thing that you like like oh
man this new project
whatever and she just gives you something and then she's just like when do we
have to turn in the
thing oh all the time it's always like booking a flight for my mom to come
visit or something yeah
literally last night i was like they're talking about the trailer for the outlaws
july 7th only on
look at the hat uh i was talking about like how well the trailer's done how
many people are watching
the trailer how it's everywhere and uh and chloe's like so i was thinking
getting the 9 45 flight for
america kills mom and i'm like i'm like we have to talk about me always i had a
freak out moment just
today though and it's like with your wife yeah and she said sorry but i was
like bummed because i had
this thing that i've kind of been working on and i was like and it came to me
in the shower and i was
like holy shit because i i was like i was toying on this one thing i had a hiccup
on this idea and i
was like i just don't that's not i don't know if that's gonna work and it came
to me and i get out
of the shower and i was like i've got it i was like you have to hear this and
she's like what's
up and she's she wasn't doing anything i wasn't like interrupting her and she's
like what's going
on i'm like this and this and i want to call this and that and remember when i
was about it and then
and then she goes you have a booger and i was like what what she goes you have
a book you have
a booger i've been like i almost didn't hear anything that you just said i
would do my soul
fell into my asshole i was like i have a booker i just told you like i thought
well wipe your nose
yeah but before you do a speech i just got out of the shower well then it's
supposed to wash all
the boogers off no no i put i so when boogers come out i put them on the wall i
put them right
back in before i leave yeah yeah all right that old technique yeah that bummed
you out huh i could
see that it was one of those moments where you're like when you're living with
whether it's your
significant other partner boyfriend girlfriend whatever like there's moments
where you're like
i gotta share this with you and then they're like and then did you want did you
not want chicken
cacciatore and you're like a fucking off i just wanted you to go uh yo cool
neat or what i don't
even know nothing you could just be like awesome that's i'm glad that worked
but when they do that
thing where they're like it's your mom do you think your mom would want to land
earlier in the
day and you're like well okay i guess me i guess me but it hit me hard today i'm
sorry i wanted to
it's a bummer when you were in the middle of that story i wanted to just talk
about how dumb i look
right now crossing my legs and do the thing that your wife did to you i thought
you were gonna be like
you have a booger yeah uh no you look good crossing your legs by the way it's
it's weird how when
you get older it's so comfortable now do you pull your nuts up or do you let
them go are you are you
cocking balls between the legs are they up yeah they're up high you bulge up
yeah you bulge up don't
you i love it yeah when you cross your legs you bulge up i don't know what you're
talking about when
you cross your legs like he's doing right now do you pull your cock and balls
up up above above the
fold there or do you let the nuts hang down low i let it squeeze between the
thigh right that's so you
do know i crush it like right now are your balls is your cock and balls up
above i never noticed
austin what are your cock and balls doing this see one's but one for me almost
always goes down
below really yeah i always have one because i have one loose nut let's see it
let's see it let's see it
let's see so it went down below no that thing's way up high between my two
thighs you have one nut
between your thigh both both the sack is in between yeah yeah show me turn and
show me just me i don't
want anybody else yeah close your eyes adam right so your cock is up above but
your balls are down below
it's crushed between the two yeah it's crushed you're one of your nuts or your
nuts are crushed
show adam your penis he loves to see i'd love to see her okay i'd love to see
your penis show
him yeah sure well cross your legs cross your legs and show them show them with
your legs crossed i'd love
yeah i don't want to see your asshole no show him with your legs cross like a
professional i don't know
how to show it cross your legs cross your legs like a professional and now show
him
yeah no show him your little penis show him your fun little penis yeah i've
seen your penis i think
a dozen times so yeah it's like it's yeah who hasn't who has it

Tom Cruise & Designer Deaths | Bad Friends Clips

this is why i wanted to talk i wanted to bring uh your guys's road road road
road story
i don't know where else you're going with this yeah are you doing a space movie
next is that
why you threw this up are you in that tom cruise where he's living tom cruise
is living in space
right now you do know that right do you guys know this no he's in space as we
speak filming
uh a movie in space uh the first civilian look there it says he's there now
apparently
he's there now shooting stuff right now wow dude incredible i think that's this
guy is genuinely
the greatest movie star we've ever had he really is we've ever had did you see
the scenes for mission
impossible on the motorcycle yeah i mean well that one that we did it nine
times six times but nine
they or 15 okay just give me nine 12. he did it 76 times but that one to me i'm
like i would do that
one everyone was like oh man that one i'm like adam no you wouldn't i would you
adam yeah i would the
only reason why i don't know if you saw my quibi series uh bad ideas with adam
divine yeah yeah i would
okay i did see it i did see it okay yeah i've never even i've never done a
motorcycle i have and so i
would be you know i would not make the launch you would hit the rent he would
hit me fall dude i had a
motorcycle i bought a motorcycle when i was trying to be a hollywood bad boy
for a while like eight
years ago something like that where is it now and uh i sold it yeah i i because
i live up in the hills
and i was coming down my hill and there's like a hairpin turn and i crashed
this bike all the
time and i of course i ate it again coming down this hill because i'd get
nervous trying to take the
and i just ate shit dropped the bike and was so embarrassed uh you know that
that that i just dropped
the bike and there was this construction they were doing construction on this
house and i was so embarrassed
that i dropped the bike in front of these guys that i just looked and i ripped
my helmet off
i looked into this bush and go squirrels
did you really yeah as if we're the squirrel's fault like i was like and then
it's like looking into
the bush as if this squirrel made me drop my motorcycle wow imagine if one of
the construction
workers came over he's like i know about that yeah that piece of he's done that
every day to me yeah this is his mother he just holds up i think you're gonna
say you threw the
keys at one of the construction workers keep it keep the fucking bike i wish i
did something that cool
i know but i was like so ashamed that i picked up the bike like it was like 800
pounds they're heavy
as fuck yeah i'm on the side of a hill i lifted it no problem just with like
the embarrassment
adrenaline embarrassment rage yeah so let me say based on the story you just
told yeah you cannot jump off
a jump with a parachute yeah why there's no way why can't i because you're you
dropped it on a turn
in the hill dude you're gonna drop it as soon as you go off the fucking lip of
the thing i know but
you wouldn't make i think you'd hit something before that you're off the side
imagine the
shoot just doesn't open do you know how to do the shoot dude you've never how
do you know it's there
whoa whoa whoa do it again do it again that's literally perfect that that's how
you're here and
and you have to do that first of all both of you guys are wrong it's right here
yeah yeah it's down
here well dude i can't get around this fucking well that's gonna be a problem
when you're out there too
yeah you think that's just now that's what happens but have you ever skydived
adam yes you have yeah
oh have you no see so who are we gonna believe can do this no i didn't say i
could i said you can't
okay yeah yeah you can't you can't i think we're we're sipping a little haterade
right now because
i did some crazy okay i hosted shark week multiple times has he hosted shark
week tom cruise
no he hasn't you know now that i think about it he has not yeah so i can do all
his okay you
know what by the way this is our little shark week we did actually bring you in
here to pitch
you something yeah bobby have a little invention okay are you willing to hear
the pitch am i gonna
invest in this dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
dun dig a dig a dig a
ding what are we singing hello adam uh my partner bobby lee and i am andrew
santino we're not adam
it's hello shark hello shark yep we're we're here presenting a product that
hello hello cheerio this is my
partner pierce bronson sorry this is my partner pierce bronson yeah we're here
looking for eight
million dollars eight for a half a percent in our company in our company and
our company's called
cheerio cheerio i think there is a company shark do you like cereal but it's
spelled yeah with four e's
andy yes pierce all of the vitamins this is a vitamin heavy cereal called cheerio
are you interested uh i think i'm gonna pass this off to mark mark cuban yeah i
think cuban's gonna have to
cuban or uh i mean spanish whatever spanish or mexican yeah yeah i think your
valuation is a
little yeah yeah oh really last year we made sixty seven hundred dollars yeah i
think we're on track
this year to make tens of millions my favorite is when they just guess what
they might be making oh yeah
when they're like uh we're on track everything goes the way we want it to it's
going to be a 120
million dollar company next year and you're like yeah if everything goes the
way you want it to sure
yeah then my company is going to be google yeah then i'm then i'm going to be a
billionaire i never
bought it that always bothered me i knew a girl that did that by the way that
did that show in fact
her brother is the guy that created rick and morty justin roiler and then oh
yeah she made like a
clothing company went on there uh and i was and i didn't want anybody to buy it
not out of spite but
out of like you can't have two super successful siblings yeah it's got to be
one well that's like
david spade and then kate spade sneak uh uh aren't they related in some well
her she she married his
brother yeah she married in also that blood also rest in peace okay oh she did
she do it okay kate
kate spade kate spade died committed suicide oh no thanks for bringing it up my
bad what the
god damn can we do a moment of silence for adam divine not knowing about um
designer designer deaths
thank you and george george floyd too he was not a clothing designer was he no
but we talked
about it earlier might have been well you got to take a moment because you're
the one that did all
sorts of weird george floyd stuff yeah the ferguson yeah well no because of
that little asian well can
let me just say something about that asian cop though i've never said this
before is if you look
at all the photos you're on his side i knew you were gonna say it i felt it
coming here's why i hate
him right in every photo you see him he does this yeah you can't believe it
yeah what going on
he's murdering a guy he asian guy what going on but it is true what is going on
yeah do your job
stop that what if his job was what's going on guy at the precinct they leave
the precinct they're like
and and you're the killer you're you're the uh the bag you're the lookout and
you yeah yeah what's
going on you're what's going on yeah yeah he's like i'll practice perfect get
out there buddy hate
that guy yeah he's in prison one of the worst guys but if you get offered to
play him in a film
you're doing it yeah yeah yeah no but i would change the line maybe what
happening what happening
that's better right right so like make it my own or whatever yeah i'll improvise
yeah yeah man
you're always dude you're thank you too good improvise yeah you're a good
improviser taking
another line that's already and changing it just ever so slightly yeah yeah i'm
pretty good huh yeah
i'll tell you what yeah do you ever have a moment with your wife where you're
talking about you know
like something that you're passionate about like a thing that you like like oh
man this new project
whatever and she just gives you something and then she's just like when do we
have to turn in the
thing oh all the time it's always like booking a flight for my mom to come
visit or something yeah
literally last night i was like they're talking about the trailer for the outlaws
july 7th only on
look at the hat uh i was talking about like how well the trailer's done how
many people are watching
the trailer how it's everywhere and uh and chloe's like so i was thinking
getting the 9 45 flight for
america kills mom and i'm like i'm like we have to talk about me always i had a
freak out moment just
today though and it's like with your wife yeah and she said sorry but i was
like bummed because i had
this thing that i've kind of been working on and i was like and it came to me
in the shower and i was
like holy shit because i i was like i was toying on this one thing i had a hiccup
on this idea and i
was like i just don't that's not i don't know if that's gonna work and it came
to me and i get out
of the shower and i was like i've got it i was like you have to hear this and
she's like what's
up and she's she wasn't doing anything i wasn't like interrupting her and she's
like what's going
on i'm like this and this and i want to call this and that and remember when i
was about it and then
and then she goes you have a booger and i was like what what she goes you have
a book you have
a booger i've been like i almost didn't hear anything that you just said i
would do my soul
fell into my asshole i was like i have a booker i just told you like i thought
well wipe your nose
yeah but before you do a speech i just got out of the shower well then it's
supposed to wash all
the boogers off no no i put i so when boogers come out i put them on the wall i
put them right
back in before i leave yeah yeah all right that old technique yeah that bummed
you out huh i could
see that it was one of those moments where you're like when you're living with
whether it's your
significant other partner boyfriend girlfriend whatever like there's moments
where you're like
i gotta share this with you and then they're like and then did you want did you
not want chicken
cacciatore and you're like a fucking off i just wanted you to go uh yo cool
neat or what i don't
even know nothing you could just be like awesome that's i'm glad that worked
but when they do that
thing where they're like it's your mom do you think your mom would want to land
earlier in the
day and you're like well okay i guess me i guess me but it hit me hard today i'm
sorry i wanted to
it's a bummer when you were in the middle of that story i wanted to just talk
about how dumb i look
right now crossing my legs and do the thing that your wife did to you i thought
you were gonna be like
you have a booger yeah uh no you look good crossing your legs by the way it's
it's weird how when
you get older it's so comfortable now do you pull your nuts up or do you let
them go are you are you
cocking balls between the legs are they up yeah they're up high you bulge up
yeah you bulge up don't
you i love it yeah when you cross your legs you bulge up i don't know what you're
talking about when
you cross your legs like he's doing right now do you pull your cock and balls
up up above above the
fold there or do you let the nuts hang down low i let it squeeze between the
thigh right that's so you
do know i crush it like right now are your balls is your cock and balls up
above i never noticed
austin what are your cock and balls doing this see one's but one for me almost
always goes down
below really yeah i always have one because i have one loose nut let's see it
let's see it let's see it
let's see so it went down below no that thing's way up high between my two
thighs you have one nut
between your thigh both both the sack is in between yeah yeah show me turn and
show me just me i don't
want anybody else yeah close your eyes adam right so your cock is up above but
your balls are down below
it's crushed between 