Name: Statues w/ Micro's | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-08-12T19:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Statues w/ Micro's | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Statues w/ Micro's | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-12. Transcript available.

Seeing Michelangelo's David in person.
Oh, in person.
It's weird because it is like a comically small penis.
It's almost like he was taking a shot at him.
Like imagine if he did your body and you're like,
what about the dick?
And he's like, dick is last, dick is last.
And you're like, oh, oh, really?
Okay, great.
Like you see this, you see this.
And then you go, can I see it?
And he's like, no, no, no, I will come back.
Right.
And then you get into there and then zoom in.
That's what he does of you.
And the last day David brings more marble.
Like he just comes with a bunch of marble.
It's like, all right, can you do the dick now?
I brought more for you.
No, no, it's a complete.
It's a complete.
Are you sure?
Yes, I am sure.
But look at, I mean, look at how buff he's jacked.
Jacked.
And you could have given him,
I mean, the balls are so much bigger than the wiener.
Yeah.
Zoom in on just the penis.
But like, that's what all the statues look like
at the museum I just went to.
It's a bummer.
It's like, just make it.
Look at how big his hands.
Look at his hands.
Look at how big his fucking hands are.
Also, can I just say that?
Didn't it have manscaped back then?
No.
Look at that bush.
Look at that bush.
It's like a cauliflower.
Somebody get this guy, the lawnmower 3.0 already.
Look at that thing, man.
I mean, it is incredible.
Yeah.
That you think he would go back to him and be like,
Michelangelo, please.
Please.
This would be cemented in history forever.
Please.
Make it just a little bit bigger.
That's so funny.
You're right.
There was that thing.
Of course there was that conversation.
I would rather, if I was sculpted like this back then,
I'd rather them do no dicks.
Because some of them, they do no dicks.
They just do no dicks.
Much rather no dicks than accurate dick.
Oh, you know what I would do?
If I was Michelangelo?
Not Michelangelo.
Who's the, who's the, David?
David, yeah.
When they're showing it, right?
When you know they reveal it.
There's a revelation, right?
A revealing part.
The sheet comes down?
The sheet comes down, right?
But if I was David, I would just walk around naked.
And go look.
It's a bigger.
It's way bigger than that one.
It's a big, this is, this cannot be accurate.
We ran out.
Marble is a shortage right now.
That's what I do.
That's so funny to walk around naked.
Walk it around your own statue.
Just to prove it.
Yeah, so the people just spread it around.
I don't look, you know I don't look like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're calling out to women, you're like,
Charisse, Charisse, tell him that my dick is nice.
I am a grower at the show, okay?
Yeah, that's so funny.
That's so funny.
So where'd you see that?
At the museum here in LA?
I went to the, I went to, obviously I didn't see that.
I saw that when I was over there.
I just went.
Oh, in France.
I went to a museum.
Italy.
Italy.
Yeah.
I went to a museum here called the Huntington Gardens.
Maybe one of the most, honestly dude, beautiful fucking piece of land in Pasadena.
And it's stunning how much cool shit that they fucking have.
But it's endlessly beautiful.
They've got a beautiful big.
Wow.
You can walk around this huge piece of property.
It's stunning, dude.
It's just, you know what?
It makes me feel multiple things.
One, how the fuck did these people have this kind of money?
Yeah.
Because they own, this must have been four acres of land, five acres of land.
Beautiful.
At least, maybe more.
I'm probably underestimating.
But they had a Chinese garden.
They had a Japanese.
They had the lily pad garden.
Can I say something though?
But I saw so much cool art there.
When you see the art though.
Yeah.
Are you like me?
I don't look at the art.
You look at the people looking at the art?
No.
I look at the building to see how I would be able to steal it.
Yeah.
I think about that all the time.
Do you think about that?
Yeah.
All the time.
Like what I would do?
Or I think about what's the easiest way to steal.
Right.
What could I get away with?
Yeah.
None of it.
They had a Civil War letter from the Civil War.
Yeah.
And it was like barely encased.
And I was like, whoa.
How much is that?
What's it worth?
Yeah.
A couple hundred grand?
Not a Civil War letter.
An original letter from the Civil War?
Who signed it?
Some fucking Jack.
If it's Abe Lincoln.
Duke him up Chang.
If it was Duke him up.
Our old friend Duke him up Chang.
Yeah.
He signed it.
Yeah.
No.
I mean, it wasn't Lincoln, but like hardly a lot of these letters are still
around.
Yeah.
Just Google.
Oh, what does that say?
A fucking Civil War letter for sale.
How much?
Two hundred bucks.
Two hundred bucks.
Two hundred bucks.
Two hundred bucks.
That's how much it worth.
Yeah.
There's no way that's expensive.
Two hundred bucks.
Yeah.
I'm talking more than Lisa, dude.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm talking about.
Wait.
Click on that.
There's no fucking way.
Two hundred dollars, dude.
It's on eBay.
That's a spot at the improv.
Wait.
I don't believe this.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't believe this.
How much are those other ones?
A hundred and thirty-five.
Twelve people watching.
Here's the deal.
Here's the deal.
You know this is not real.
That's the other thing.
They can't verify this.
It's a hundred and thirty-five dollars for that letter.
Okay.
But a Civil War letter.
What if it's done by someone of nobility?
That's why I asked if it was from Abe Lincoln written to, you know what I mean?
Who?
Robert E. Lee.
Abe Lincoln to Robert E. Lee.
Well, they were around the same time, right?
Yes, they were.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Click Civil War letter from Abe Lincoln.
Let's see if maybe that's what it was.
And I just don't know the difference.
I wonder what that would be worth.
Let me guess.
Nothing less, more than 50 grand.
An Abe Lincoln letter?
85K.
Closer to your, mine.
Yeah, 85K.
Why would I think it'd be so much more money?
It's not.
Like 85K, because also, if you get caught, you're in prison for a while.
How long?
So you wouldn't do it?
A couple years?
A couple years.
Two years.
Two years.
Yeah, but you know what?
With our kind of status, the judge will be a Bad Friends fan and be like,
that's it, Mr. Santino, you're in deep trouble.
Court adjourned.
And they'd pull me aside and be like, you're good, dude.
Yeah.
Just don't do it again.
Just don't do that kind of fucking crazy shit again.
I mean, 85 grand.
85 grand, that's it?
I cannot believe, I thought for sure it's worth it.
No.
When I was in Tampa, I went to the Dali.
Salvador Dali?
Yeah.
You guys went to there?
By myself.
I took a fucking, what do you call those?
Bird scooter.
Bird scooter.
I went down there.
I paid me.
I mean, me.
Yeah.
You know, I don't do nothing.
I know.
Yeah.
In the heat, I went there.
I thought about you yesterday in this exact same scenario.
Really?
When I was at the museum, I thought, I would love Bobby to come here, but he
would never
come to this.
But I do sometimes.
You do sometimes.
When it comes to museums, I do.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
And I walked around and I looked at, but it's like, I can watch it, look at it
for five seconds
and that's it.
Salvador Dali doesn't hit you.
In any art.
Any art?
Yeah.
I can't, I look at the art and I go, okay, I got it.
No, no.
Wait, what do you do?
I have to sit and really-
You're a pretentious fucker.
No.
You do this.
No, I-
Do you do this?
I go like this.
Right?
You know how girls do this?
I do this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She goes like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
What do you look for?
What I like to see, like if it's a, like look up, um, um, you know, like, like
Renoir.
Or you know what?
Yeah.
Renoir.
Renoir.
Yeah.
Look up Renoir.
I like Renoir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like, if I see a Renoir, it's like at face value, right?
You see something, you see something pretty, pretty like this, right?
Zoom in.
I would see something pretty monotonous.
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
But then-
But then what?
You really get in there, zoom in a little bit more.
Then you get in there and then you start looking at the guy in the boat.
And I imagine what he's saying to that man.
So that's what I'll start to do.
I'll start to go, what's that conversation?
Because this was taken from a real piece of life.
Like this stupid little bitch in the front.
I don't give a fuck about her.
That little idiot.
She picked these flowers in her mom.
Look at her mom.
She's pissed because there was a sign that said, please don't pick the flowers.
Oh, so the mom obviously dresses the kid.
Yeah.
The kid doesn't mean I'm wearing a flower hat.
No.
That's the mom.
Yeah.
But obviously there was a sign that said, don't pick the flowers.
And there's a guy now talking to the mom that's going, I told you lady, for the
fifth fucking time you can't pick the flowers.
And she's pretending not to hear them.
Oh, the ladies are Karen.
Yeah.
They had Karen's back then.
We'll just go pick where we want to pick.
My great grandfather used to live on this lake.
That's my favorite thing to do in art.
But with a fucking, you know what I mean, Dali, you can't do that.
A melting clock can't yell, you know what I mean, at a fucking giraffe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
You're saying if it's any sort of like hyper realism.
Hyper real, you can't do that.
I can do scenarios like that.
Okay.
Zoom that.
Zoom that.
Zoom in that.
What do you imagine?
This is called The Great Masturbator.
I know this piece.
Yeah, yeah.
And I got to tell you something.
Yeah.
After staring at this one time in a college dorm room for a while, I saw this
image in
my head when I jerked off for about a month and a half.
Really?
I couldn't stop seeing this.
Yeah.
Because it's called The Great Masturbator.
Yeah.
Oh, I see the head now.
But some people interpret her sniffing a dick.
That's what I've heard.
She sniffs dick.
Right.
What's...
Okay, let me just ask you some questions.
But see, I do want to stare at this for longer because there's a lot going on.
Like, is that a horse hide?
Is that a mohawk back there?
Yeah, you're right.
And why is the tail on a chain?
I'll go back.
See what I'm saying?
Yeah, I'll go back.
You know, you and I have never done things like this.
We want...
I want to.
In the fall.
Let's make a list.
You and I will do, in the fall...
In the fall.
Museum one.
Love.
You know what?
I've never had ice cream with you.
I'd love to have ice cream with you.
Have we ever had ice cream?
No, but can we feed each other?
See, we have desserts together at dinner.
We do.
We never go to our ice cream shop.
No.
And I would love to share a banana split with you.
Get out.
Are you being serious?
Yeah.
Can we poke the banana in our mouth and just, at the same time, suck the banana
from both ends?
Well, promise me this.
Yeah?
There's two bananas on each side.
We work on one banana at a time.
Fine.
I don't be stuck on one banana.
You're going to suck on the other banana.
I know.
You get one and I get the other.
You suck on the same banana.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.