Name: Welcome To The Bad Friends Restaurant! | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-09-02T07:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Welcome To The Bad Friends Restaurant! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Welcome To The Bad Friends Restaurant! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-02. Transcript available.

Have you ever had that when you thought something was a thing and then it's not
a thing and you
can't believe it's not like Bernstein bears? Oh, yeah. Well, that's that's what
you call
that's Mandela effect. Oh, is that Mandela effect when you think it's one thing,
but it's
the other I'm talking about when you think a thing was there like you were just
there
the other day and it's gone. Whoa. Yeah, that happened to me when I went back
to the old
neighborhood in West Hollywood. I was literally just there. I remember driving
by going to
the store and then I drove by again in the restaurant that was there gone. And
I was
like that can happen overnight, but it felt like it was packed the night before.
It was
the weirdest feeling on earth. The chairs were gone. The thing was down. Yeah,
the sign was
up close. I still think Greenblatt's is open sometimes. That fucks me up. I
know. Well,
I miss it a lot. Yeah. Sometimes I think I'm going to go to Greenblatt. Is it
open? And
then I go, I don't think it is. I don't know how long it's been closed. A while.
This city,
everything fucking opens and closes right away. Speaking of which, I want to
open up a restaurant.
I'm ready. If you want to invest, can I pitch it to you? Let's go. Gyoza.
Everybody loves
gyoza. Yeah. Right. Okay. Check this out. Well, can we just, can I do it with
you or no? Yeah,
but can I give you my pitch? But can I, you're pitching me to be a business
partner?
Mm-hmm. So I get to add my own. Of course. Go ahead. Gyoza, right? Like it. You
get in line.
As you're in line, you pick from three menus. One, the kind of meat or meatless.
Two, the flavoring.
And three, the sauce. Get ready. I went to a place in Japan that did this. You
pick the
meatless, right? That five kinds of meat. It was like chicken, pork, beef, dog,
carne, pig,
something else. Yeah. Yeah. And then the second one was flavorings, which was
like physical spices
or physical like, you know, it'd be like- A peanut sauce or- No, no, no. That
sauce is his third.
Second one was a dustings. It was like dustings, right? What's a dusting?
You know, like a curry powder, powders. Like a powder. Right.
Oh, yeah, yeah. So, and the third one is sauces like that. It would be like
fish sauce or eel sauce
or soy sauce or whatever. And so what you do is they give you the fucking gyoza
that you want.
Ask another question though. Listen. Okay. They give you the gyoza that you
want.
They put the flavoring in a bag. It's like powder. And then you shake it up and
then you get the sauce
on the side and you dip it in. You take it out of the bag that's shaken up. So
you create it right
there. You go, I want this, this, that. And I did it in Japan and I was like,
how come we don't do
that here? And it's always to go. We don't have to worry about overhead. It
doesn't have to worry
about anybody sitting down and eating. It's to go. Everything is to go. To cut
costs though,
since I'm your business partner. Love this. Get rid of the bags.
What are they? How are they flavoring it? We do it for them? No. Oh, we just
give it to them in
their hand. Yes. Okay. And you could shake it like this. I feel like it's not
saving enough money,
but I like it. What do you mean? How much is a fucking bag?
One, uh, one fifteenth of a penny of a cent each bag. So we'll save three
dollars a day.
This guy's smart. I should never question you again.
I'm good, right? So, but you, you, you have to wait in like this.
So you, you just go like this. Right. And they put it in your hands.
Yes. And then you roll it around and just eat it.
Right. We, well, you. And do we pour the sauce in your mouth? We don't even let
them have sauce
to go. Exactly. Hmm. Dude, you're so good, dude. I like this.
Right. So you go in, you put your hands out like this. Yeah. Right. And they go
pork, dog,
or chicken. What was it? Pork. Yeah. And the, and the pork curry,
pork yellow curry with fish sauce. But you said there was dog option earlier.
It's always there. All right. So, oh, it's like, um, when you go to In-N-Out
and you get
animal style. That's a secret menu. All right.
It's actually called animal style. Right. Animal style. Oh yeah. Animal style.
We took that from them. That's funny. Yeah.
So I go animal style. They stick it in there. Then the powder. Yeah.
In your hand, right? Yeah. What do you want?
Do you want like a green curry or red curry? Do you want a cinnamon? Yeah.
Do you want nutmeg? Do you want nutmeg? Okay. They throw it in there,
right? Got it. And then the guy behind the guy behind the fucking counter goes,
close your hand. Close your hand. You close like this.
Mm-hmm. Then you know what I mean? Shake. Shake. Shake, right?
Right. Open your mouth. Then we have a guy squirt your mouth, right?
Yeah. Then you eat it. Perfect. Perfect.
Do we have to have a sink for them to wash their hands?
No. Just a bucket.
What about a bucket of rainwater they can just dunk their hands in and walk out?
Just a bucket. No, something better.
It's like another catch. All right.
At the door, there's a hand.
Just a guy's hand. No. No. You know how sometimes in baseball games or football
games,
they have that gigantic hand? Oh, right. The high-five hand.
High-five hand. We have one like- A foam hand.
A foam hand. And you high-five.
And that wipes it clean. That cleans your hands.
I like this. Two hands. You go, hype. You know what I mean?
Hype. Hype. Hype. Hype. Hype, right? And you leave.
By the way, can the restaurant be called high-five?
Hype. Hype. Hype. Hype.
What do you guys think? We lose- No napkins.
No napkins. Right. No plastic bags.
Nothing. Wasteful. We're saving. Wasteful.
Right. We're saving the environment. That's why we want to do this.
That's exactly what we're doing. It's a really good idea.
Yeah, yeah. We should open up a restaurant.
You really do? I 100% would do this.
Can I say something about David Dobrik?
Yeah. The pizza place.
I finally went there.
What do you mean? Is it good?
I went there, too.
Is it good? Let me see here your opinion first.
Okay. I thought it was good, except it's way too much Parmesan.
Oh, man. I love Parmesan.
The crust is like Parmesan crisp.
I really like Parmesan. That's a tough sell for me.
Here, it was too much dough. Not enough of the red sauce.
Well, it's called Dobrik's pizza. I mean, the whole thing-
I know. I know. I just-
Chunk.
It was- I mean, it's huge.
It's like a cake, really.
The bread.
Let's do Bad Friend's pizza, then.
You think so?
We could kill-
And go open it next to his.
Oh, he's so funny.
How fun would that be?
Just take over Saddle Rand?
Have a fucking door, dude.
Keep the bowl, though.
Yeah.
Actually, the bowl is how you shake up our gyoza.
I think gyoza's perfect, because it represents you and me.
So, we do use a high vibe there.
High vibe.
We do a high vibe next to Dobrik.
100%. I'm so down to do this.
Okay.
Do it where the old cigarette store used to be.
Yeah. Okay.
Dude, by the way, since we talked last time about that, I got an in-home
massage again.
Okay.
And I asked her if I could get naked this time, because we talked about this
before.
Yes.
And I said, hey, do you hate it when clients get naked?
And she goes, what?
No.
Oh.
You could get naked.
What do you mean?
Of course.
She goes, it's privacy.
It's privacy.
Yeah, yeah.
She goes, no, no, no.
That's not unusual.
And I said, oh my-
Was she attractive?
You know, I think about her in a professional sense, not in that sense.
Oh!
No, no, she's, no, no, she, but-
Nine or ten.
No jokes.
No, all jokes aside.
She is a, she is a, yeah, I mean, in the sense of like, I'm not attracted to
her, but
she's an attractive woman.
That's what I heard.
But I get, I get, I mean, I'm very much not attracted to her.
I don't want to be, I'm not trying to be mean.
I'm not attracted to her.
I know you, though.
I know you.
Do you want to not know you?
Yeah, sure.
You know me, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, let me ask you something.
Because the theory is flawed.
I get, I get naked for, I get naked for anybody who massages me.
But just hear me.
It doesn't mean like I pick who I, I get naked for a massage.
I like it.
Yeah, but this particular one though, isn't offended because she's not
attractive.
Honestly, I get naked for every massage.
I don't discriminate.
I don't care.
It's, it's, it, they say dress to your comfort level.
My comfort level is naked.
What about like a foot massage?
I still get naked.
That's crazy.
Well, it's a massage.
Okay, so if I, when I get a manicure, when I get a mani-pedi, I sit in that
chair butt
naked with my dick out and my balls out.
Can you imagine?
I just get a, I go for a mani-pedi and I'm just sitting there with my cock on.
One girl on my hand, one girl rubbing my feet and she's saying to the other
girl.
Yeah, yeah.
Why his dick so small?
Yeah.
Why your dick so small?
If I was a massager.
Yeah.
Masseuse.
I'm a masseuse.
Gay guy.
Why do you, why?
That's who I am.
Oh, you would.
I am.
Yes, I'm like, hi, get naked.
You got it.
And you wouldn't have a problem.
Why would I care?
You're a professional masseuse.
It's your job to be professional.
I assume you're going to stay professional in this professional place that we're
in.
Okay, so you're on the chair.
Yeah.
Your face is in the donut hole.
You start eating my ass.
Yeah.
What would you do?
I'm not snitching.
You literally wouldn't say anything.
Of course I would say something.
What would you say?
Down to the left.
Yeah.
He'd say, oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
You wouldn't go.
I'd go, is it taint?
Is it taint?
Is taint an add-on or is that included?
So you wouldn't be offended.
So if anyone touched you in a sexual way, you wouldn't say anything.
Well, no, I would say something.
But you wouldn't press charges.
I don't think I would press charges.
I wouldn't press charges either.
Well, unless it was like, look, if it was an accident.
But if she started like, if a masseuse like grabbed my dick.
Yeah.
I would just be like, I wouldn't press charges.
But I'd be like, hey, hey, come on.
I don't want that.
But you would still continue with the massage.
Well, yeah.
I want my back done.
My back hurts.
My fucking back hurts.
I mean, okay.
So if you got a massage and someone grabbed your genitals.
Yeah.
Right.
Make up a word.
Huh?
You stumbled.
You were like grabbed your.
Langola.
Your langola.
Okay.
Yeah.
Somebody grab your langola.
Somebody grab your langola.
Langola?
Right.
It is long.
And you go, stop.
Would you finish the massage or would you press charge?
What would you do?
Be real.
If it's a guy.
If it's a guy, it's obviously sexual assault.
If it's a girl.
If it's a girl, I'm getting off.
See?
Really?
See?
She's going to get off.
And then I'll get the rest of the massage.
But even me as a guy, even if it was a guy or a girl and they touched my genitals,
I wouldn't
press charges and I probably would finish the massage.
If a guy grabbed your dick aggressively, you'd want it to stop.
Let me think.
Like he's like, like this?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So I'm like.
You're sleeping.
Yeah.
There you are.
All right.
You're resting.
Am I on my back?
Of course.
No, you're on your stomach and he's grabbing your dick.
Oh, oh.
So on my side.
He threw up like a tail?
No, your cock is sideways.
Yeah, you're laying on it.
He's pulling it from the side.
All right.
Yeah, I like that.
All right.
So I'm laying down like this, right?
Okay.
So I'm laying down like this, right?
Yeah.
Reaches under.
Right.
Where's his hands at?
Whoa.
Right?
I would be like, sir, please don't let go.
Please don't let go.
He's like, yeah, is my tip going to be good?
It's going to be a great tip.
Gently put it down.
There you go.
Thank you.
Because he went, pop.
Then I would press it.
Yeah, that would hurt.
Yeah, yeah.
Now hit those shoulders, baby.
Yeah.