Name: Carlos Goes Too Far! | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-09-19T16:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Carlos Goes Too Far! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Carlos Goes Too Far! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-19. Transcript available.

- A girl had a crush on me that pulled some shit,
got me suspended in health class.
- Yeah.
- They had diagrams of penises,
of the inside of a penis.
Like if you filleted it.
- Tell me what it looks like.
- Kind of like her.
If you fillet a penis though,
and they showed you the diagram,
and so I was tracing the cock.
So I was just tracing cock on loose leaf paper.
- Yeah.
- Because why not?
And then I would just sign it,
and then hand it to my friends in class.
- That was your merch back then.
- Yeah.
Five bucks, you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's a cock. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So I signed one, one of them I drew,
and I drew something with the teacher's name in it.
- Why would you put her name on that?
- I think I put her name in like a puddle of jizz
or something underneath it.
- That's hilarious.
- Yeah, it was high school.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And I threw it away.
- Yeah.
- And then this fucking snitch from my class.
- This fucking bitch dude.
- Dug it out of the trash.
- Oh my, she shit.
- And gave it to the teacher,
and then I got fucking suspended after the fact.
- For how long?
- A week.
- And then what did your parents say?
- My dad was like, you know,
do you have a future in the arts?
Are you looking at the arts?
My parents were so fucking mad.
I got suspended so many times.
So many times.
- Wow.
- I got suspended one time I brought a BB gun to school.
I got suspended for that.
- Oh yeah.
- But I was shooting people at the bus stop,
so that was a big deal.
- Yeah.
- This is back before school shootings.
I was just shooting people,
and I would shoot people out of the bus as it was moving.
But it was BBs.
It wasn't gonna kill anybody.
- Yeah, I killed so many squirrels with a BB gun.
- I loved BB guns. - I loved it.
- And I shoot 'em all the time.
- Right in their fucking face.
- I got suspended for opening up the back door of the bus,
and us jumping out of it.
- Why did you do that?
- We just wanted to jump out of it while it was moving.
- Right.
- I thought that was funny.
Then I got suspended.
- I got suspended.
I brought an IED to school.
- You did?
- Oh, non-functioning though.
- Oh, it was over.
- Well, I was bringing it to my other friend.
- Toot.
- Yeah.
- Toot.
- Toot.
- Bobby, what's in your bag?
- Why do you have to do drugs anyway?
- No, but I was kicked out of school all the time.
- I just got suspended so many times.
That's a funny thing.
I used to sell weed, and I never got caught for that.
- Wow.
- But I got caught for everything else.
- Yeah.
- Dumb shit.
- If you're young listening to this podcast in high school,
generally probably a male.
- High school kids?
- Yeah.
- Probably gonna be a guy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I've noticed that with our podcast.
- Well, we get a lot of chicks,
but they're not in high school.
- Yeah, and they're also like a little funny-eyed.
You mean every girl that listens to the show is lazy-eyed?
- No, they're beautiful.
- Yeah.
- We have some good-looking fans.
- But there's something wrong.
- Right.
- If you go deep.
- Look at us.
- I know.
- Yeah, look at their leader.
- Yeah, their leaders are something--
- Fucked up.
- You too.
- You too.
- You especially.
- You too, though.
- Probably me.
- You too the most.
- Yeah, yeah.
But anyway, yeah, so my point is that,
what was I even saying?
- Don't follow us?
Are you saying don't do what we do?
- No, but no.
In high school, if you're just,
because back then we would behave like that.
And what would the counselors and teachers say?
He has no future.
- Yeah, they used to say,
if you could focus your energy,
you'd actually be successful in life.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Meaning you're not gonna be successful
because you can't focus your energy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they always looked at us like,
oh, you have no future, you're screwed, right?
And then look at us now.
My point though, if you're young,
light the thing on fire.
- Light it on fire.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Break it, steal it.
- Bring the gun to school.
- Doodle penises.
- Yeah, you might as well doodle the dickles too.
- Yeah, go crazy a little bit.
It doesn't matter.
- I ended up hooking up with that girl years later.
- No, really? - How funny is that?
- Yeah.
- And did you grab her hair?
Why'd you fucking knock me out, bitch?
Bing, bang, bang, bang!
- Against the headboard.
- Yeah.
- No, we hooked up years later, how weird was that?
It was like the strangest, it was like revenge.
- Sex?
- Yeah, it was like weird revenge.
- And did you guys just talk about it though or no?
- I've never seen her in, that was 20 years ago.
- Did you talk about her opening the thing up
and doing that?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we talked, at one point we talked about that,
why she tried to...
- And then what'd she say?
- She said, "I had a crush on you and I liked you
and I hated you."
- That's not the weirdest way to fucking show somebody.
- Girls are fucking weird, dude.
Girls do weird shit.
- Guys are also weird, too.
- Yeah, you're weirder than us, so.
'Cause when we have a crush on you,
we're literally like, "I like you."
- No, no, no.
Someone kept bullying me in high school.
- Yeah.
- And then...
- American or Philippines?
- Philippines.
- Okay.
- And then a year later, he's told me, "I like you."
- Well, but that's the Filipino way.
- Yeah, in America we don't do it that way.
- We don't do that.
- Oh, okay.
- What do you mean he bullied you, physically push you?
- No, he kept saying...
- What?
- You're dark.
You're ugly.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, here's the thing with you Filipinos.
- Not a lie I've been told.
- You guys don't like the dark skin.
- Yeah, you're so racist.
- You get so racist.
- You get shamed for dark skin.
It's insane.
- What do you mean?
That happens all over Asia.
- I don't like it.
- They go to Japan.
- I know, they're all white.
- The whiter they feel like it's more supreme.
- Yeah.
- These bigots do it, too.
- Yeah.
- The Spanish do that shit.
- You guys look down on the fucking...
- Mexicans.
- That's why I came to the US.
- To do what?
- To a country that doesn't do that.
- Huh?
- A country that doesn't do that, that respect everybody.
- Yeah, right.
But you go back to Spain like you just did.
You know, he loves talking shit.
He's gross, dude.
These guys, these Spanish people.
- Carlos is another one.
- Yeah.
- Light-skinned.
- Yeah, yeah, elitist.
- Yeah, he's got Mexico City written all over him.
- Yeah, but my dad's not light.
- Your dad's from Mexico City, right?
- Yeah, my mom is, too.
But she's white, 'cause she's like, fancy.
- Your mom's not white.
She's Mexican.
- Yeah, but she's like...
- Your mom's cute.
- Okay.
- Honestly, when her and I were chatting...
- I know me, too.
- At some point, I looked over her dad,
and he was like...
- Penetration?
In your mind, though?
- I was trying to kick him out.
- In your mind, though.
Penetration?
- Do you want me to leave so you can say it?
- We'll say it here.
- We'll say it.
I don't give a fuck.
- Yeah, I think you should stand around.
- She's hot.
- Okay, Bobby.
- She actually is sexy.
- Yeah, she's pretty sexy.
- Well, I've been in an Uber alone with your mom.
- That's interesting.
Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting.
- Very interesting.
- That's very interesting.
- So you went to pick up my mom at her house, right?
- Yeah, she was waiting outside for me.
- Wait a minute.
What was she wearing?
Do you remember?
- I mean, she was going out that night,
so it was like a beautiful dress, I believe.
- He remembers.
- Yeah.
- Ew, he knows.
What color lipstick did she have on?
- Heavy, dude.
- Red.
- Red?
- What kind of shoes?
Do you remember what kind of shoes she had on?
- Like rubbery, like abuelita type shoes.
- Like grandma shoes?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's grandma in Korean?
- Harmony.
- Harmony?
- Harmony.
- Harmony.
- Yeah.
- It sounds like you're trying to say harmony in Korean.
- No, harmony.
- So it's harmony, but they just can't say it?
- No, it's not harmony.
- Harmony.
- Harmony.
- How many?
- How many.
- Just one grandmother.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying, how many?
- Yeah, just one.
- Oh, one?
Yeah, yeah.
No, so she was cool.
I think we five.
- Whoa, whoa, Jay's doing it.
- You open this door.
- Do you find my mom to be funny?
- Yes, she was cool.
- She's so funny.
- Yeah.
- And she says weird things?
- Yeah, like she kept trying to tell the Uber driver
how to go, like get to the freeway,
but it was like really obvious.
- Giving him directions?
- Yeah, he had directions.
- Can she still drive?
- Yeah.
- She's getting close though, isn't she?
- Close to what?
- Not driving anymore.
- Oh, I thought she was getting her NASCAR.
- Can you imagine?
- And in lane 10, I'm Bobby's mom.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, no, she's fine.
Anyway, so she was hot when she was younger though.
That's what people said.
- Oh, really?
- In her 20s.
- Who said that, his fucking sister?
- No, have you seen, I have a photo of her.
- Of his mom.
- Of my mom.
- Oh, your mom.
- She's bragging about his mom being hot.
- In her 20s, like all the kids from my school were like,
"Oh, your mom was hot in her 20s."
- Did she, how different did she look then?
- I mean, I have a photo of my phone.
- Can I, I wanna see, can I see?
- All right.
- Can we show the fans?
- Yeah.
- So would you, you'd have fucked your mom in her 20s?
- No, fuck you, dude.
What are you talking about?
- The way you said it, she was hot in her 20s.
Nobody says she's hot.
- No, people thought she was like cute or whatever.
- Did your friends say that?
They were like, "Dude, I'd hook up with your mom."
- Your mom was cute when she was in her 20s.
- She was a neighborhood babe.
She was a babe, she was, she was Babraham Lincoln.
- It's almost here, I got it.
Oh, that's my dead dad.
Okay.
I still have photos of my dead dad on my phone.
Isn't that insane?
- I mean, you know, not really.
Wow, there she is right there.
- Where?
- Yeah.
- Damn, she is hot.
Yeah, she was hot, kinda cute, you know what I mean?
- Why did you not get any of that stuff?
- Yeah.
- How come you didn't get that stuff?
- Okay, enough about me.
And then here's me as a baby.
- I've never heard Bobby say enough about me.
- Me as a baby.
- Now that looks like your dad.
That's the problem, is that you look exactly like your dad.
- God the fuck, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
- Look, how does your dad look right now?
Let me see.
What does your dad look like now?
- Well, this is, I don't, this is a stunning photo.
I mean, I have to blur this out.
- Let me see.
- And my brother took this.
I don't know what the fuck is going on there.
- Is this his dick out?
Is he pissing?
He's peeing in a toilet.
- I have no idea what's going on here.
- Oh, that's so lovely.