Name: Bad Friends Behind Bars! | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2023-10-09T15:00:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bad Friends Behind Bars! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bad Friends Behind Bars! | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-09. Transcript available.

Like, if you're going to do a mugshot, what mugshot would you do?
Mine would be like this.
It's going to be on my license.
Let me see your mugshot.
Wait.
Oh.
Yeah?
This is my mugshot.
Yeah, yeah.
Ready?
Have you ever...
You've never been arrested.
Yes, I have.
You have a mugshot.
I don't have a mugshot.
I don't know what dictates getting it on the internet.
But where did you get arrested?
I was in college.
I got arrested.
Ah, then I'm kidding.
Really?
What'd you do?
What'd you do?
What it doesn't count?
It doesn't count college.
How does college not count?
What do you mean it doesn't count?
I'm an adult.
I'm over 18.
Yeah, but you're practicing to be an adult.
I somewhat agree with this statement.
That's true, actually.
Yeah, you haven't, you know, worked out the kinks.
By the time you're 21, 22, then it's...
When do you work out the kinks?
Are your kinks worked out?
Yeah, at 45.
You think all of your kinks got worked out by 45?
Do I have a mugshot?
Do you?
No.
You're saying people that have a mugshot didn't work out the kinks?
Yes.
Oh, so you think...
What about your kinks, dude?
I'm kinked out.
Yeah, I know.
You were already kinked out, dude.
But when I was 19, no kinks.
I was...
You had so many...
I was kinked.
You were riddled with the kinks.
Kinked up.
Yeah, you're kinked up.
Yeah.
I got arrested when I was in college twice.
Once for...
I was looking for myself, sorry.
I was...
You have a mugshot?
Yeah, from a couple of years ago.
Well, look, keep finding it.
Let's find it.
I want to find yours.
I got arrested for fighting in public, and then I got urinating in public.
Pissing outside of a bar.
And they made me go to, like, sex ed classes.
Whoa, why?
Well, because they could register you as a sex offender if your genitals are
out in public.
Are you being real?
Yeah, I mean, obviously...
I mean, I should have had 52,000...
52,000 fucking mugshots, man.
Trust me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've been battling them away every city we go to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's actually hard for us to deal with.
I mean...
No, but I got urinating in public, and I had to go to one of those...
Oh, you know what I had to go to, dude?
Hmm.
A class that DUI guys have to go to.
Oh, I love those ones.
Oh, man.
And the stories were horrific.
Yeah.
Like, they would literally be like...
I'm sure this is at meetings.
Sometimes you experience this.
Whereas guys are like, yeah, I would get blacked out drunk first thing in the
morning
while I fed my kids breakfast and then drove them to school in the morning.
Yeah.
And I would hit stuff on the way home.
And then I'm like, I was pissing outside of an Irish pub.
Yeah.
And it's like, why am I here?
Dude, I know a guy in AA, he shared that he was a school bus driver.
Uh-oh.
What?
And he was blacked out drunk?
Blacked out drunk.
Yeah.
I think it was like elementary school kids.
Weren't they all when we were kids?
Right.
But he drove off a canyon.
And what?
They all died.
Except for him.
Yeah.
So he lived.
Yeah.
And he's all...
Oh, he's a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like...
What happened was I drove off a big canyon cliff.
I'm kidding.
I made that up.
Okay, good.
Yeah, yeah.
But also...
I don't know why I just did that.
I'm a liar.
I saw you backpedal it because I go, they drove off a cliff and he lived.
And you're like, he lived.
I know.
Everybody does.
Like, he's the first guy to probably go.
No, but there was...
Wait, what do you mean?
There's that girl.
Look this up.
That girl that just got sentenced to two consecutive 15 life sentences.
Two...
Oh, the girl that goes, I need to go to college?
No.
Oh, is that the same girl?
Remember, she's like, I gotta go to...
I don't know what...
I gotta go to class.
And the cop's like, you killed two people, right?
No, this is Mackenzie Schirilla.
Yeah, drove 100 miles an hour into a brick wall, killing her boy.
It was her boyfriend and his best friend.
She lived 100 miles an hour into a brick wall.
Let me guess.
Huh?
She was fat.
That's right.
No, no.
No, be real.
Dude, look at how skinny and small...
No, she's a tiny little girl.
That's her.
Whoa.
Two life sentences.
She got into a fight with her boyfriend.
And this fucking lunatic drives her car into a brick wall with his best friend
in it.
17, she was drunk.
Yeah.
Hasn't worked out her kinks.
She's full of kinks.
She's so full of kinks, dude, right?
And one of her kinks was...
Alcoholism.
Killing her boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa.
So, I guess the rumor was they got into a fight.
Yeah.
And she's like, I'll take this into my own hands.
But how do...
Jesus, Jesus, take the wheel.
Yeah, but how do they prove that?
Because this is...
If he's dead...
It's actually interesting you say this.
Yeah.
Well, there's proof that they were in a fight via the text messages that they
brought up
in court.
Still, it's like...
And then they can prove her motive because these cars all now, every car now,
they've
got these computers, right?
Onboard computers that can tell when you braked, how far you braked, how fast
you were going.
Yeah.
She sped up before she hit the wall.
You know, brake...
Yeah, but if she was drunk, was she drunk?
No, I don't think she was drunk.
Oh, if she wasn't drunk, then that's it.
No, I don't think she was drunk.
I don't know why drunk came into my mind then.
Well, you would assume.
She had a brick wall going 100 fucking miles an hour.
Oh, so she wasn't drunk?
No, I don't think so.
Fucking, yeah.
She didn't brake.
Lunatic.
Lunatic.
But she didn't brake and she sped up.
The car registered.
She hit the fucking gas.
Yeah.
And then they hit the wall.
Now, did she go in a coma or did she realize she was still alive?
No, I think she was fine right away.
But then I would take shards and...
Oh, and kill yourself.
I mean...
I mean, you...
Really?
Because her intention was to kill herself as well, right?
Sit down.
What's on your forehead, Rudy?
Rudy just walked in and she's got a...
It's a mole.
It's one of those...
No, this is a new pimple sticker.
Carlos uses these too.
Oh, yeah.
There's a new thing.
So, Carlos is a teenage girl, by the way.
Yeah.
But he used one too.
It's a sticker that you put on a pimple for how long?
All day?
All day.
And all night?
You can do all night, all day.
Why does it work?
Why don't you do the star?
Why does it look like a mole?
It's a poo.
It's a piece of poo?
Yeah.
Oh, you got the poo design.
Yeah, the poo design.
Oh!
Blend it in with your face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm surprised I could see it.
Yeah.
Wait, this is so interesting.
This is the hip way to cover up blemishes so you're not as embarrassed.
Yeah.
No, they work.
Because I use the...
You don't use the stickers?
I've never used the stickers.
Oh, they're the best.
No.
Those stickers work.
Yeah.
But I don't get pimples anymore.
Well, then there you go.
I mean, I had my fun.
It already got me years ago.
But you have one...
I mean...
Where is it?
What's this?
I've had this since I've known you.
It's a birthmark.
I thought it was a forever pimple.
A pimple?
Yeah.
You think I got pimples?
Yeah, I thought it was a pimple.
By the way, I do have a pimple right below my right butt cheek.
It's been there for so long.
Yeah, put a sticker on there.
No.
Why?
I'll do it.
I let it rock.
Okay.
He's got his own personality.
Okay.
That's Concoose.
What?
What's his name?
Concoose.
His name is Concoose?
Concoose.
Oh.
Yeah.
I want to meet Concoose.
He's Spanish.
I'll let you meet him someday.
Anyway.
He's a good guy.
Rudy Jules is back in the house.
Yeah.
What's in the tote bag?
What did you bring for us?
Nothing.
Straight from school?
No, from work.
Work and school.
Someone's growing up.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
And now she came to her other job.
Let's see what's inside.
Open it up.
Okay, emergency bag.
What's in the emergency bag?
Okay.
What could be in there?
Tampons.
Yeah, good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Face spray.
Yeah, for what do you mean?
Just like mint?
Rosemary?
Yeah, rosemary.
Rosemary's nice.
Mints.
Yeah, you need those.
Allegra.
Allergies.
She has allergies.
Yeah.
Allergies.
Yeah.
Tylenol.
Okay, that's enough.
No, no, no.
Wait, I have more.
Let's finish this up.
Perfume.
Circus clown?
There's a thousand things in there.
Another allergy fence?
A streamer?
A rabbit?
The tooth thing.
I love those.
Floss?
Yeah.
Those are the best.
Floss picks?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, there's more.
Oh my God.
Pepper spray?
I don't have pepper spray.
Why?
That should be...
All those cosmetics to look good and nothing to thwart off criminals.
I have a taser though.
Okay, go ahead.
Oh, can we see it?
Not here.
I forgot it.
Oh, that's always convenient.
Yeah.
And then spray.
I have a gun, but I never have it on me.
What spray?
For when you poo.
That's poo-pourri.
We have that at the house.
Okay.
That's it.
That's it?
Yeah.
Very good.
I don't have a bag.
Do you have a bag?
I never carry...
You actually used to carry fanny packs and bags.
I don't carry anything at all.
Yeah, but it's all this stuff.
This is my wallet.
This is all I have.
Yeah.
That's it.
I have nothing on my person.
I have this.
Yeah.
You can't get anything from me.
You're never going to smash and grab me.
There's nothing on me.
You do...
I'm going to say something to you.
You have a talent.
You have a gift, my friend.
What is it?
She's the best cleaner person.
You finally cleaned up all the cat puke and poop?
You're better than Mexicans.
And I don't say that...
Wow.
All of them?
All of them.
Wow.
Wow, dude.
That's pretty big.
They're amazing.
I would put my lady up against her any day of the week.
I bet you're better at jumping fences than Mexicans, too.
Or going under them.
Depends on how creative you are.
Yeah, I think you're Mexican.
You're ultra-Mexican.
I want to be Mexican.
Good.
She's so good.
And you can be anything you want to be.
You know what she does?
Can I tell you what she does that's special?
Okay?
So, you know, for me...
My toothpaste, the tip of it always looks like, you know, a volcano erupting.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's just like coagulated and fucking, you know what I mean, junked out.
Where, like, the fucking...
It won't even come out.
Right.
Right, the paste.
Yeah.
It's clogged.
She unclogs it.
Wow.
And you clean around it, huh?
Yeah.
She cleans around it like it's a brand new little tip.
Let me just guess.
Go ahead.
Let me guess.
You're one of those guys who doesn't push from the bottom.
You squeeze from the middle.
Yeah.
Definitely.
100%.
Yeah.
Why?
It's so funny.
Why is it funny?
It's just there's two kinds of people.
Somebody squeeze in the middle and some push from the bottom.
When I jerk off, I squeeze from the middle.
And I push from the bottom.
I know you do.
I hold my nuts and...
And that's why women go blind.
Oh, because of the shot.
That's why your wife has infections in her eye.
Well, first of all...
Because you go from the bottom.
You got to go from the middle.
She's got an infection in one of her eyes.
We always fix one and get the other one done.
I understand that.
We trade off.
Right.
But when you jerk off from the middle, right, it drops down.
Less can happen, right.
Less trouble.
Yeah, less trouble, dude.
It's a smaller wave.
It's a big smaller wave.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's all it is.
Yeah.
You squeeze from the...
Let's see.
What else is like this?
When you put toilet paper...
When you run out of toilet paper, you don't put it back on the rack.
You just put it on a counter on the side or something.
I don't put it up.
He doesn't have...
I don't have toilet paper.
Right.
I do this.
I look...
You only bidet.
You don't pat, pat, pat with toilet paper?
No, I do.
But it's always...
Oh, fuck.
And I do this walk.
So you're waddling?
Yeah.
My pants down, right?
Clinch cheeks.
You know what I mean?
Going to the cupboard to get...
And I won't even bring the whole thing over.
I'll just take it from the cupboard.
You'll wipe there.
No, I'll bring a pack.
You go all the way back to the bathroom and wipe.
And then if it wasn't enough, I do the track back to the cupboard.
With pants on the ankles wobbling through the house?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, wobbling around.
That's who I am.