Name: Bobby Defends His Midnight Snacks!
Uploaded: 2023-12-19T14:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Defends His Midnight Snacks!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Defends His Midnight Snacks!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-19. Transcript available.

I wake up and I go, oh, fuck, I'm hungry.
I'm not going to be able to go back to bed.
So I had one thing in the fridge, and guess what it was?
Kimchi.
I have that already.
Okay.
That's a given.
I feel like, what is it, juice?
Turk.
I'm going to say tur.
Turds?
Turds?
You have packed turds again?
There's two words.
Tur and ch.
Turd chips?
Turkey chicken.
No.
Turkey chicken.
Almost.
Turkey sausage.
Turkey ch.
Turkey chips.
Oh, potato chips made of turkey.
No, turkey ch.
Cheese?
Chili.
Turkey chili.
Man, we were way off.
Turkey chili.
Turkey chili.
And I had one of those from Air One.
Yeah.
Another $50 bottle of chili.
Yeah, $50, but it's been there forever.
Right.
How long, you think?
It could be a year.
A whole year.
It could be, I don't know.
You had some bad chili.
Dude, I don't know.
You're crazy.
I'm crazy.
So I put it in a bowl.
I microwave it, right?
And then I eat it all.
And I go, I'm hungry still.
And I remember the other night,
I got a big, gigantic pint
of Dryer's Rocky Road ice cream.
Bryer's or Dryer's?
B or D?
Big difference.
Bryer's?
You choose.
I don't know.
I think Bryer's.
I had myself some Jenny's before I came here.
Delicious.
The best.
Yeah.
But I'm lactose.
Anyway, I eat half of it.
You think you're lactose intolerant?
Or is it just because you eat stuff
like a year old turkey chili?
That you have a bad stomach?
I don't know, dude.
And then I go, oh, I feel fine.
So I go, you know what?
I'm not sleepy yet.
So I play maybe two hours of this game, Starfield.
Okay.
But I lock them up.
But that's cool because when I play Starfield,
I have my headphones.
So I can't hear Gunnar scratching.
Right?
And you're in the house alone.
I'm so alone, dude.
That's a big house to be alone.
I'm so alone.
And then it started.
The shits.
The aches.
The shits.
First ache.
The shits are here.
The shits are here.
Not shit.
Coming out of your mouth and your ears.
The shits are here.
The shits are here.
It was achy.
Out of your nose.
And live in fear.
But I didn't go to the bathroom.
You were in the shits are.
I didn't go to the bathroom.
I went to bed.
Uh-oh.
And that's when the trouble started.
No.
You're good at sound effects, dude.
Yeah, always have been.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Since you've met me.
Yeah.
You started drinking more toilet water?
Yes.
Yeah.
Bing.
You know what that sounds like?
A blue whale's breast in the water.
Have you ever seen a blue whale?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait.
There we go.
That's what it feels like.
That's what it sounds like to me.
Am I dead on?
So anyway.
A blue whale strip club.
But I could.
I was.
What?
Let me get the bed out.
No, I was thinking that'd be a great strip club.
The blue whale?
Just any whale stripping.
Just a big.
But how big.
The blue whale's big.
So the strip club's got to be.
Oh, they moaned.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And do they like.
You know what they like?
They don't like money.
Whales?
No.
They like fish.
No.
Whenever I go to a whale strip club, you got to bring plenty of plankton.
Plankton.
Plankton.
You got to dry it out though because it's hard to throw on stage when they're
wet.
But anyway, my point is.
My point is I only sat for like an hour and then I had to get up early to go to
my A meeting.
And then I did a podcast with Logic.
And I was in traffic because he was all the way in Pacific Palisades.
And then I canceled my spot.
And I got here and I'm so tired.
And I asked you if you had the energy to do this.
I got it today.
Good.
So I'm so glad that you have it.
I got to tell you one of the weirdest costumes I saw last night.
And I didn't get a photo of it because I felt like it would be weird to take a
picture of somebody's kid.
But we saw a lot of good ones.
I saw a lot of good ones.
At the door.
That came to my house.
Okay.
And the funniest one by far.
And it was mostly Mexican families that come to the hood.
Yeah.
It was a girl.
I'm not making this up.
I swear to God.
Here we go.
Something racist.
She was a washing machine.
I swear to God of my life.
I was losing my shit.
Yes.
I was dying.
And on top of her, they built a box.
They used a cardboard box to make a washing machine.
And on top of it was like wool light and bounce sheets.
Wow.
Incredible.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
And the middle moved.
It was one of the coolest costumes I think I've ever seen.
But also it's like.
Would she just take it from work or something?
Well, you write what you know.
You live who you are.
Did she have a dryer with her?
No.
Her sister was a fence.
And her dad kept leaping over her head.
Oh, you're kidding.
Back and forth and back and forth.
That's insane.
No, but really the washing machine is not fake.
That was actually a real costume.
And it was like the best one of the night.
So I gave her way more candy.
You know what I don't do?
Yeah.
If you come up with a shit costume.
Yeah.
Like especially when like a 14 year old comes, you know, when the older ones
come.
Yeah.
You're getting one.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
You get one.
You didn't put any effort into it.
Yeah.
And you're too old.
Yeah.
When the kids come, little kids.
Yeah.
They're getting handfuls.
I literally go like this to the kids because they're so cute and sweet.
But when a grown kid comes, they don't even say anything.
Just put the bag out.
Fucking, you know what I gave them?
What?
Whoppers.
Whoa.
The worst.
You know, little Whoppers.
I know what a Whopper is, dude.
The worst candy.
That's a shit.
I thought it was a hamburger.
Yeah.
I gave them hamburgers.
I handed them a full hamburger.
Okay.
But Whoppers were for the teenagers that didn't dress up.
Yeah.
But the kids, you know what the kids got?
What?
They got the Reese's Snickers combo.
Oh.
You know what I'm talking about?
No.
Oof.
Dude, they make the peanut butter Snickers.
Explain it to me.
Reese's makes peanut butter Snickers combo now.
Okay.
So let me, can I, let me ask a question then.
Please.
Yeah.
Don't even Google it.
Don't Google it.
Because I want to imagine it in my mind.
Okay.
So it's a round circle.
It's a egg, oval like an egg.
What?
Yeah.
It's oval, oval, oval.
Oh, it's an oval like an egg.
Shaped like an egg then.
It's not thick like an egg, but it's almost like flat, a flat oval.
A flat egg.
Yeah.
And so when I bite into it, instead of having a peanut buttery nugget.
No, no, friend.
You do get a peanut buttery nugget, but you also get caramel and nugget and cut.
Holy shit, dude.
Uh-huh.
So the good, so the good kids.
Yeah.
The cool kids that dressed up, they're definitely getting one of those.
Yeah.
Plus a Kit Kat, and they're also getting, there's little tiny red vines.
They got all the goods.
But if you were a teenager and you didn't dress up, you get a Whopper.
Get out of here.
It's so easy.
You can, you know, like I sometimes on Halloween, I do like two for one when I
dress up.
I could be one or the other.
Right.
Yeah.
So sometimes I'm a ghost.
Sometimes I'm a KKK member.
I get it.
You know what I mean?
You can flip flop.
I can flip flop.
Or a ghost and a KKK member could be just a sperm.
You kind of look like a sperm as well.
That's true.
That's true.
It could be all of the above.
You can be three things.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
But we handed out a lot of candy.
It was good to see.
I just, I loved it.
I really do love it when the, but the guy that said thank you really meant a
lot to me because
we work hard to make it enjoyable for the kids.
Oh my God.
Because we've got a lot of Scrooge McDucks on the neighborhood.
There's no way it's as good as that.
But anyway.
There's no way it's what?
There's no way it's as good as what?
I mean, you just claim to think that you have the best Halloween house.
Ours was one of the best for sure.
There's no way.
There's, first of all, there's music.
There's fog.
There's graveyards.
That's what you say.
There's bones all over the place.
There's witches that are hanging around.
Dude, I, we go to the house.
Because that was at your house weeks ago and there wasn't, there was nothing
there like that.
Yeah, weeks ago we weren't prepared.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't want to challenge you.
I just.
You don't do anything.
So who are you to talk?
You turn the lights out.
I'm just saying that you could just say you have all these things, but I just,
there's,
when I was there, there was no proof of it.
You weren't there on Halloween.
You weren't there on Halloween.
Like all getting ready to get that going.
There's no fog machine.
You weren't there.
There's a fog machine on the night.
Look what I did.
You know what I mean?
It's like nothing.
As far as I'm concerned.
You weren't there.
And what did you do?
Nothing.
Yeah.
But I admit it.
I don't go, hey, you guys, I had a fucking haunted house.
A gargoyle and all that stuff.
If you, if you did, you would, you fuckhead.
I put it together.
So yeah, that's what I did.
But it's not the best in the neighborhood.
I'm sorry.
You're just angry because you don't have the fucking guts to do it.
To go out on an emotional limb.
I don't have kids that come to my fucking house and live in the hills.
And that's exactly who you are.
Yeah.
A fancy.
Steve Carell in the next living next to me.
Fancy, rich guy.
I look at Steve Carell's house.
They don't have nothing like that.
All he had in his house was old chili, turkey chili.
He'd be scooping it into kids' bags.
It's a blessing.
Yeah, dude.
- I don't know.