Name: Rudy's Magic Pants!
Uploaded: 2023-12-27T14:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy's Magic Pants!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy's Magic Pants!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-27. Transcript available.

- You do have a tomboy-y kind of a vibe, I think.
- Where did the phrase come from?
- Tomboy. - Tomboy.
- Tomboy. - I don't know.
- Tom. - Tomboy.
- Tomboy.
- I'm a girl.
- No, tomboy.
- I am?
'Cause I like softball.
- First appeared in the 1500s,
meaning a wild, romping girl who acts like a boy.
19th century America being a tomboy,
it was seen as many extremely healthy
for girls who are-- - But they're not all,
like, tomboys aren't all lesbians.
Like, I'm sure Ronda Rousey was a tomboy.
- For sure.
- Yeah.
- She likes dick.
- Yeah, I guess, I don't know.
- Yeah, so there's probably a lot like that.
- I watched a video of her yesterday, by the way.
It's so weird you say that.
- What? - It popped up about her.
Just, she's so fucking strong.
She was so fucking strong. - So strong.
Huh. - Were you kind of a tomboy
when you were a little kid?
- No.
That's why.
I didn't know how to answer that.
I was like, I don't think I was.
- Like, tomboy, they're all rugged, right?
- Yeah.
- And we're overalls, I don't do that.
Were you a tomboy?
- I was a tom girl.
- You're a tom girl, okay.
- I was born a girl, but I looked like a tough guy.
- Yeah.
- No, born a guy, looked like a tough girl.
Tomboy.
- Yeah.
- We had tomboys in my neighborhood
that could fucking beat everybody at everything.
They beat all the boys at everything.
- Yeah.
- They would literally beat all the boys
at all the shit.
It is kind of fascinating to think about now.
What?
- What?
- Wow.
- When your eyes went.
- Cross?
- When you're thinking, your eyes do something cute.
That's cute, dude.
- Okay.
- Yeah, don't be cute, right?
Do you want me to scoff at you, dude?
- Don't scoff.
- Oh, no.
- Anyway.
- Look, we'll get you a date,
and we'd like to know how the progress goes.
- Okay.
- But you do, if you do, you got a date.
Don't you got to break up with your boyfriend?
- What if I just ask him,
I want to go on a date?
- Call him up.
- He's at work.
- Yeah, call him up.
- He's at work.
- Well, then call Cheesecake Factory.
Tell them you need five.
- He's at work.
- No, I don't want him involved.
He's a shy guy.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
- He's really shy.
- Yeah, you're the one that's trying
to get her to break up with this fucking guy.
- No, I like him, actually.
- I like him a lot.
- I have another topic to add.
- Okay, go ahead.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so when you were a kid,
did you have a hard time holding your pee?
- Question.
- Saving it?
- No, like when you laugh and you have to hold it.
- Oh.
- Did you have a hard time with that?
- No, you're saying have I ever-
- Like fifth grade.
- Have I ever-
- Fifth, sixth grade.
- Peed myself.
No.
- Really?
- No, never had.
- I've never pissed my pants.
- Me either.
- Although, at the age that I'm at,
which you are older, I know you leak sometimes,
you leak a little bit, don't you?
- Ah.
- You leak.
- Well, I'll tell you what I do.
- You leak.
- I leak, okay, here's what I do.
- Leaky, leaky, leaky.
- Can I tell you what I do?
- Yeah.
- I have to spend a little longer peeing.
- Yeah.
- Right, because-
- A couple more shakes.
- Dance isn't over usually.
- Yeah, a couple more shakes.
- Even when the music ends, the dance is still going.
- Do you ever leak fancy?
- No.
I wanna keep it like that.
- Fucking liar.
- Liar, dude.
- Do you have a couple of extra drips?
- No, it's so far.
- When you're done peeing and you put it away,
you put it back in, you sheath it.
- Yes.
- You don't have a drip that dropped that comes out?
- You know where the drips come out of?
- No.
- His tits.
With your pork tits.
- George, tell me, you have a drip or two
that comes out sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- You shake, and then you try to shake again,
and then you put it in.
- Sometimes.
- And then you look down,
and there's a little wet spot on the outside.
- Thank you, George.
- You tell people, I just washed my hands.
- Dude, we gotta get Carlos back, dude.
We really do gotta get Carlos back, dude.
- What?
- Yeah, so let me ask you this.
- But he's being real, that is true.
McCone doesn't experience it.
You're too young yet to have a little drip drop.
- I haven't dripped.
- You will do.
And you will leak bad, trust me.
- Yeah, I have a hard time holding it.
- Wait, do you pee?
Have you pissed yourself before?
- Yeah, in the fifth grade, and.
- That'll never leave your brain, huh?
- Yeah, because it was in front of everyone.
- Somebody made you laugh, and you pissed yourself.
- Yeah, and I don't like peeing in public bathrooms,
so I had to hold it the whole day.
And then when I laughed, it just, everything came out.
- And I kind of, I remember that.
- And I lied and said that I had a magic pants.
- You had magic pants, and they believed it.
- Yeah.
- Idiots.
- Well, I think they believed it.
- This is in the Philippines?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, they'll believe anything.
- Are magic pants expensive in the Philippines?
- Mm-hmm.
- Only certain people can get them.
- Yeah.
I have something that happened,
and I wasn't even gonna bring this up, but.
- Please do.
By the way, I used to hold in my poop.
I didn't want to poop at school.
Yeah, I used to wait to poop at home.
- Yeah.
- But then sometimes you'd get home,
and it'd come out rabbit, rabbit turds.
- So I can't say names.
- Yeah.
- I don't even know if I should even be talking about this.
- Come on.
- But yesterday, I was doing,
so I know this guy who's a producer.
- Okay.
- He's a guy I've known for a very long time.
- Mm-hmm.
- Probably 30 years.
- 30 years.
- Okay, okay.
- Trying to put it together.
- And so we were doing a business call about a project,
and I go, "Okay, man.
I'll see you later, ugly."
He goes, "Okay, man.
All right, stay ugly."
I said.
And he goes, "Okay, dude."
I go, "Don't look in any mirrors.
You're gonna crack them."
I hung up, right?
- You said that three times?
Three times?
Jesus Christ.
Could have done it once.
- I know, I know.
- And late at night, like one in the morning,
the dude texted me.
He said, "You know what, dude?
Fuck you."
He texted me.
- What?
- Basically, he goes, "I've known you for 30 years, dude,
and you've fucking been saying that, right?
For 30 years, and you know what, dude?
I'm not ugly.
I swear to God."
He goes, "I'm not ugly, and dude,
I'm not a fucking 22-year-old fucking doorman
at the store where you can talk to like that, dude."
- Benji of Flalo.
- No, he's not a producer.
He goes, "You know, I got a family,
and people think I'm good-looking, you know?"
So he goes, "Fuck you."
And I'm like, so I'm on the side of the bed
reading this thing.
- Laughing.
- Not laughing, just going, "Ugh."
I scoffed at it.
- You scoffed.
- Right?
But then I texted him back like, "You know what, dude?
I'm so sorry.
I go overboard.
I apologize."
- You're just kidding.
- I know.
- But then, as hours went by, I was laying in bed,
just mad that I texted him back.
- You shouldn't have done it.
- You don't think, so what was your play?
- You should have let it sit.
- Oh, so you called me ugly.
I send you a fucking text going, "Don't call me.
Don't do that anymore."
- I don't respond.
- You don't respond.
And then what happens?
- 'Cause you sit with it until we see each other again.
- Which it could be six months.
- Hilarious.
That it's sitting in your fucking brain.
- Right, right, right.
It's like, if you're that insecure, you know I'm kidding.
If I've known you for 20 fucking years,
you don't know that I'm kidding around?
- Yeah.
- Grow up.
- Well, I'll tell you exactly what I said.
- So funny.
- I don't know why, after all these years,
you talked so much shit to me.
Calling me ugly and all kinds of stupid shit.
I always show respect to you.
I am not some fuckhead, 22 year old door guy
who enjoys being ridiculed.
- Jesus.
- This is a 50 year old man.
- A friend of yours?
- A friend of mine.
So mine is, I'm so sorry, boop, his name.
I was just kidding, but sometimes I just go overboard.
I'll never do it again.
I make fun of people I love and I love you.
Sorry.
- Yeah, you're mean to me.
- Yeah.
- And then did he say anything else?
- Yes.
- I kinda wanna know, what did he say?
I mean, we have to.
- All right, so he goes, all good, dude.
I always take it as good nature.
It pissed me off some reason today.
- Yeah, he's having a bad day.
- I love you too, thanks for the note.
- He's just fucking having a bad day.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
But just, but dude, the response back, I sat on it.
- You didn't wanna send it.
- And never gonna send it again.
I think you're right.
- I think it would've been more fun just to fuck around.
- Yeah, but here's the broader picture.
The question I have for you.
You and I, right, are not normal, right?
- Correct.
- We talk to certain people thinking,
'cause you know, we're around comics a lot
and they can handle all kinds of shit.
- No, we always say weird shit.
- But then you go to Pep Boys or any out there, right?
And then you act the same and then you realize that,
no, people don't necessarily don't know you
and they don't really know that sense of humor.
- Sure.
Sometimes I've had other people have to say to other people,
like, oh, he's a comic.
He doesn't, right?
He doesn't mean that or whatever, right?
And it's like, do you have to edit yourself
when you're out in the wild or?
- Yeah, I'm usually kind of, yeah.
You have to be more reserved because you're,
I don't know if people are gonna get it
if we're fucking around.
Sometimes I will fuck around.
- Yeah.
- And she'll be like, what are you doing?
- Oh, really?
Yeah.
- I just thought I would.
- Your wife says that.
- Just kidding.
Yeah, I'm just fucking kidding.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but people don't get it.
- And sometimes she'll be like,
why would you, why don't you say that?
- I know, I know.
- I was just fucking around.
- Do I say something to, are you,
do I offend you ever?
- The first time we met at the Kalila had to tell us like,
oh, you can't take anything you say seriously.
- Yeah, yeah.
- The first time we met,
you said so many like shocking things
that I was like, kind of like.
- Like what was, give me an example
of something I would say.
- I don't know, like my face and like my ear
or like monkey something.
- Yeah.
- What?
- No, I do believe that.
That sounds pretty.
- Your face and your ear, your monkey?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Why would I say that?
- I know.
- And no one has said that to me,
but you for the first time that I met you.
And then at the Kalila says.
- That's the first thing I said out of my mom.
Your face, your ears, you look like a monkey?
- Yeah.
- I bet you went, look at your face.
Look at your ears.
Ah, you fucking monkey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I bet that's what you said.
Look at you.
- And remember Issa cried?
- Okay, it's just her sister crying.