Name: Rudy Decides Who Would Be A Better Babysitter!
Uploaded: 2024-01-03T11:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy Decides Who Would Be A Better Babysitter!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy Decides Who Would Be A Better Babysitter!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-03. Transcript available.

Have you taken up any sort of like, now because of the baby,
are you doing anything that you weren't doing before?
Are you smoking?
Are you secretly sneaking off and having a cigarette?
No, I'm just not sleeping.
That's it?
That's it.
Are you eating bad?
Yes.
Did you gain some weight?
Yes.
What's your little bad boy snack that you have
because the baby's keeping you up?
I will eat anything.
You'll eat everything that's around.
Exactly.
Meanwhile, your wife is still skinny and gorgeous and beautiful.
Right.
You didn't have the baby, you know that, right?
This is an American theme, but like the baby weight goes both ways.
Oh, you think because you're an American, now you're allowed to get out of
shape.
But your wife maintains a good shape.
She's in great shape.
Right.
Yeah.
She exercises and eats healthy.
Right.
So you think because you're now an American citizen, you're allowed to be fat.
Right.
Right.
It's your right to be a fat slob while she works her ass off.
Yes.
Wow.
I thought that was I worked so hard for.
Right.
That's why you took that test.
Right.
How old is your baby?
Nine months.
Is it recognition now or no?
Yes.
She looks at you, oh, there's a porg.
Yes.
She does that.
How often do you have to update her?
Do you have to do like an update?
I mean, is she connected to Wi-Fi?
Every day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But she knows who you are.
Yes.
Oh, that's cool.
Does she go dada?
I'm talking to her in Spanish only, so no dada.
What do you say?
What is it?
Papi.
Oh, my God.
That's so gross.
That's worse than daddy.
Hi, papi.
Hi, papi.
Papi chulo.
So, papi is so gross.
What does she call your wife?
Mama.
Mama.
Mama, papi.
Mama, papi.
When you go home today, the baby's going to look at you and go, papi.
Yes.
Oh, that's so cute.
No, it's not.
It's gross.
Papi is what, that's what, that's what like.
I mean, if she were to say it like you said it, then I would change.
She's going to.
Papi.
Hi, papi.
I don't like papi.
I disagree with this.
Yeah, I don't like it.
This is the same thing with me and daddy.
I don't like daddy.
I don't like daddy.
Yeah.
I don't like, when little girls and their dads, it's like daddy.
Just say dad.
Dada.
Dada is good.
Dada's fine.
Or pop, or pop pop.
Pop, pop, pop.
Dada.
But papi is papi.
I don't like it.
You're only teaching her, you're only talking to her in Spanish?
Only.
Yeah.
And your wife is not though?
No, she's speaking to her in English.
So hopefully.
She's going to get bilingual.
Hopefully.
Wow.
What a superstar she might turn out to be.
Yeah.
Isn't that incredible?
Yeah.
It's a good one.
And has your family met your baby yet?
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
When you went to Spain, you brought the baby.
Oh, that's cool.
Coach?
Coach.
Yeah.
Where'd you put the baby?
In the overhead?
Yeah.
In the suitcase.
Sir, you have to put your baby in the overhead.
Do you buy three seats for the baby too, or no?
Oh, they sit in the lap.
The baby gets to sit in the lap.
But you and your wife are sitting together?
She has a little bassinet that goes on the plane.
Okay.
Do you and your wife like to sit together, or do you like to sit separate?
Together.
You sit together.
Yeah.
I'd buy three seats.
One at the ends and the baby in the middle.
The baby goes on your lap though.
Yeah, but sometimes you want to, you know what I mean?
Put it down?
Yeah.
That's expensive.
Just to buy a seat?
Do you buy three first class seats?
No.
If I was going to sit couch, I would do...
Is that more expensive or...?
I mean, it's expensive to just buy a seat.
Okay.
My bad.
I mean, I don't know.
I want to make it more comfortable for you, that's all.
Thank you.
Well, do you want to buy his next trip to Spain?
No, I've never met the baby.
If I meet the baby, you will never interview me with the baby.
How about this?
If you meet the baby, will you pay for his next trip to Spain?
Yeah.
I met George's baby.
And he cried.
Well...
Right, I'm scared.
You are a little shocking.
What?
What do you mean?
You're scared for him to meet the baby?
Yeah.
Well, none of us...
Who would you trust more to babysit your baby, Andrew or me?
Well, this is hard.
Andrew.
Oh, my God.
Didn't even stall.
May I explore this?
Please.
It's obvious.
Yeah, pretty much.
What is it?
What's the obvious part?
No, I'm good.
I'm good.
Honestly, no.
Listen, I've had a negative attitude today.
And I got into a little slump.
But, dude, I'm open to hear anything right now.
And I really am not going to be argumentative.
I want to learn.
Okay.
So, may I ask you...
Oh, I'll give you an example.
Give me an example.
Okay.
You wanted to have the dogs for one night.
One night only.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what?
And then what happened?
The dogs were taken care of, no?
No.
What happened?
There was diarrhea all over the house.
Dogs pooed.
No, no, no, no.
Diarrhea.
Dogs don't just diarrhea all over the house.
My dog poops outside.
Okay.
And you texted me 8 a.m. to say, get them already.
Like, you wanted them gone.
A dog's not a baby.
Yeah, they are.
Yeah, it's easier than a baby.
May I ask you another question, please?
Okay.
I'm open.
Okay.
I feel great.
Okay.
Thanks for being here, guys.
The other question I want to ask you is, I have three cats.
Do they seem fine?
Self-sufficient.
You don't have to do anything with cats.
But do they seem fine?
Well, they got skinny.
And they seem more afraid, so...
They seem more afraid?
Are you going to make me mad right now?
I'm just so...
I'm fine.
I feel great.
I feel good.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
You, why?
Well, my...
You, why?
Brief experience with you and babies, they just get riled up and...
You've never seen him with a baby?
Yeah, yes.
I just...
I'm not saying his...
I actually...
If he wasn't with his wife alone...
Yeah, I...
For 24 hours...
He met my baby.
My baby was so happy.
Yeah.
You met his baby?
Mm-hmm.
How?
We had a little get-together.
Right.
A baby thing?
A baby thing.
A baby thing.
I wasn't invited to the baby thing.
It's just because you're not good with babies.
You're not good with babies.
God, everyone's going to be so mad.
There's not so many other...
I mean, at this sometime...
You're just triggering me, man.
Every fucking corner is just...
You wouldn't come to the baby thing, even if you were invited.
You wouldn't come to the baby thing.
Right.
Okay.
Would you have gone?
I'm sorry.
Let me ask you something.
Well, then we're...
Andrew.
Okay, we're doing it again tomorrow.
Do you want...
Okay, yeah, I'll be there.
I'm sorry, Andrew.
Let me ask you something.
Let me ask you something, Andrew.
All right?
You invited me to your party.
Did I not show up?
Party's different than a baby hangout.
I show up to everything people invite me to.
There's no babies at my party.
His baby thing is not a party, like a baby bash?
It's just to hang out.
It's just to meet the baby.
Or the shower...
What is it?
The shower shower?
Okay, ready?
I'm calling you right now.
All right.
Hello?
Hey, Bob.
I'm going to go to this meet Fancy's baby.
Lang Starfield.
Okay, so you don't want to go?
What's going on?
We're just going to meet the baby and say hi and then leave.
It's nine months old.
Who's that?
The guy who works on our show.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, he has a baby.
Yeah, but are you busy?
Playing Starfield, just said.
All right, man.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye-bye.
See, that's what I mean.
You wouldn't go to the baby thing.
That's true.
Yeah, you're not going to go to the baby thing.
You're right, you're right.
No, you're right.
Right.
So it's based on evidence.
That's fine.
Everyone spoke their mind.
Can I make you feel a little bit better?
Because I love you so much as my best friend on earth.
Who would you trust the least with the baby in the room?
I mean, any of these kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you're way above.
Oh, so I beat up these two?
Of course.
Of course.
Why?
These don't qualify.
Wait a minute.
Time out, time out.
You asked why?
Yeah.
We made that guy put a butt plug in his butt and you moved around.
That's true.
Yeah, that's why.
That's true.
I've had multiple abortions, though.
So, like, I was there.
I could be a dad right now.
No.
That qualifies me.
What?
No.
That's your logic?
That's your logic?
For why you'd be good with babies because you got rid of them?
You kill them.
Yeah, but that's just unresponsible.
You're a baby killer.
What?
You got rid of them.
Who knows how good you'd be with them?
You got rid of them.
It's responsible to get rid of them if you're not ready, though.
Oh.
For you.
So that's why I keep them a little bit.
Away from you.
Yeah, he doesn't want you to kill his baby.
But if it was a competition, you would want to pick me because I always want to
win.
Yes, that's true.
Okay.
So, if there was a baby competition, I think the baby would be stoked with me.
Would you be better than the merch competition or worse?
Before I choose, I need to know.
That's good.
I'd be better with the baby.
Okay.
Then I'll choose you.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
That's going to be your merch, by the way.
It's just a picture of Andreas' baby.
Yeah, I'd be better with the baby.
Okay.
Let me say something.
I bet you'd be better.
I don't care.
You know, whatever.
No, no.
You're good.
Whatever.
I'm irresponsible.
No, you're not.
You're good with kids.
I'm the worst.
You're good with kids.
Thank you.
We know you're good with kids.
You're good with kids.