Name: Who's the Biggest Traitor on Bad Friends?
Uploaded: 2024-01-13T13:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Who's the Biggest Traitor on Bad Friends?' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Who's the Biggest Traitor on Bad Friends?' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-13. Transcript available.

- No, I really can't imagine not ever knowing you.
- Oh my God.
- I don't think that you would betray me.
- Never, I would never betray you.
- People are betrayed.
People betrayed, dude!
People betrayed, dude!
- Nobody in this room?
- No, no one in this room, but if someone were gonna betray,
it would go Carlos and then McCone.
- I think McCone first for sure.
- Yeah, yeah, you're a betrayer.
- I wouldn't betray you.
- Look what I did for you, Bob.
- Yeah, that is true.
- You didn't do that for me, you did that for laughs.
And also, I'll tell you why you would.
- No fries.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no fries.
You get a burger.
- This is not even a lie, dude.
Ever since I saw that hamburger with no fries,
that right there was worse than not getting it.
I'd rather get not a hamburger.
- I can't let this go on any longer.
That was my call.
- No, no, no, no.
You're in hoots, you're a part.
I was with McCone in the car,
and I told him not to get fries.
- Why?
What's your logic?
And you waited a whole week to tell us this?
- I was projecting because I wouldn't want fries
because I'm trying to stay trim.
- So you get a double, double cheeseburger
from fucking In-N-Out and that's how you're staying trim?
- Well, protein style half the time, and no fries.
- He didn't get protein style.
- Yeah, but he doesn't eat the extra fries and salt.
- Whoa.
- Oh my God, you're saying he's fat?
- Yeah, he is.
- You're saying he's fat.
- But I'm saying he's not a kid.
- It's McCone's responsibility to go, "No, dude."
- Thank you, Bob.
- "I'm gonna get the fries."
- No, no, no, no.
- That's his challenge.
- Carlos, you're not exempt, you fuckhead.
- No, Bob got me out.
- He's saying you both fucked up.
McCone should have been like, "No, I bet you he wants fries."
And your dumb ass shouldn't have stepped in the way
of projecting about his weight
because you think he's overweight.
- I am overweight.
No, you're not.
- Allie said it the other day.
- Who?
- In front of you, Allie Wong.
- Because she weighs about nine pounds.
- I know, but she looked at, she goes,
this is what she said.
We were in the kitchen.
- Yeah, I know.
- And she looks at you, she goes,
"What are you doing?
You look so good."
And you're like, "I'm doing this and this, right?"
Yeah, but why is he shaped like that?
- She said, "And why are you still shaped like this?"
- Yeah, yeah.
And I looked at her, I'm like .
- But at least you retained.
That means you retained, you stayed the same.
She sees you the same.
You're not overweight.
- I know.
I am a little.
- No, you're not.
- I'm fine.
I love it.
I feel great.
- I do have arthritis, but yeah, I'm fine.
- Dude, we're falling apart.
- I'm falling apart.
- I went to the doctor and I'm on fucking.
- Oh.
- I'm on Levitra.
What is it called?
- Levitra.
- Levitra?
No, I've said it wrong three times.
- Levitrol.
- Did you talk about what happened in the hotel room?
- What is this for?
- That's for erectile dysfunction.
- Oh yeah.
No, I'm on Lipitor.
- Lipitor.
- Levitra's boner pills.
I'm not on those.
- Why?
- I don't need them.
Honestly, I'm not against boner pills, but I don't need them.
I am still very blessed.
You know, one day when I was fucking like 16 years old,
I remember like an ad came on about boner pills and my dad,
my dad like really slyly was smoking a cigarette and he's like,
you're never going to need those.
And I was like, what?
And he's like, runs into family and gets strong blood.
- You said that?
- I was like, holy shit, my dad still gets boners?
- Your dad's Clint Eastwood?
- Yeah, he is.
- He's like, I'm hard right now.
- And then he said-
- It's just the way he smokes.
- And then he said something about, he was like,
get out of here, Koreans.
He was all, you know, he got real Clint Eastwood.
- Oh, he got real Eastwood.
I'm on Lipitor right now, high cholesterol, high triglyceride levels.
So I'm, my doctor put me on this.
My young Asian doctor put me on this.
- And what is that supposed to do, Lipitor?
- Make it so I don't have a stroke or heart attack.
- Oh.
- I have a bad, I already have a bad ticker.
As everybody knows, I've talked, my heart's bad.
I've got a fucking murmur, I have a hole in my heart.
- Right.
- And he said, my cholesterol levels were high.
And he said, have you experiencing any semblance of high stress,
traveling a lot, being near a Korean for an extended period of time?
- Dude. - And I said, no.
Not that I can remember.
- I had a dream that you died.
- Don't, why would you do that?
- Can I just say something?
No, it's good.
- It's good that I die.
- No, but how I did it.
- You killed him?
- What the fuck?
You kill me in your dream?
- No, no, let me explain.
- Well, get through it.
- Right, I don't know how you died.
You know, you don't know the details.
But I remember me making decisions of like leaving the country.
And just, I remember just living in like a cottage.
Like my complete life changed.
- So when I die, that's your eat, pray, love moment?
When I die, you get to go on a journey and find yourself?
- No, that's where I die.
In a cottage by myself, in France, eating cheese and wine.
What the fuck are you talking about?
- So I die, so you go kill yourself?
You slowly eat yourself?
- I'm just saying, I'm just saying I love you so much.
And if you die, it would just devastate me.
- It sounds like a happy story.
It sounds like you quit the pod, you took the money,
you moved away, you quit-
- What money?
- From my death.
- Oh, I mean your will?
- Not anymore.
Not if you're having dreams about it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Do you have a will?
- You're on my life insurance.
- Do you have a will?
- I do.
- I have a will too.
- You're on my will.
- You're not on mine.
And I want you to put, I want to put it on.
- I'm not on your will.
- I just didn't consider it until now.
I'm gonna call my guy.
- I said if any sort of revenue from this company
in the event of my death would all go to you.
- Well, no, in your death,
half of it would go to your family
and I would keep the other half.
- No, I cut my family out.
You think I want those pigs with my money?
- Ah, so awesome.
- They're gonna spend it on bad stuff.
- Right.
- I want it to go to you.
- Yeah.
- My family.
- Yeah.
Do you get family members, I get cousins.
- Asking for money?
- Yeah, I'm getting it this week a lot.
- I had, I had.
- Out of nowhere.
A guy I haven't talked to in 30 years.
Yo, man, I need 15 grand.
I go, are you out of your fucking-
- Start with one.
$15,000?
- Yeah, are you out of your fucking mind?
- That's so much money, dude.
- I mean, I could get it
if it was like my mom, she needed surgery.
- Anything for your mom.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I would pick it for your mom.
- You know, my titty.
- What's wrong?
- My titty gone.
- Your titties gone?
- Yeah, it died.
- Well, let me taste them.
I'll find out if they're okay.
- I would not taste my mom's titty.
- I would taste your mom's titty.
- It's gone.
- Let me taste your mom's titties.
- It's getting weird.
- How do you say good boy in Korean?
- I don't know.
And it's so funny.
- How do you not know how to say good boy?
- They never called him that.
- That's right.
Oh, Jess.
- Oh, Jess.
God, you're so quick.
You fuck off.
- How do you say good boy in Korean?
- Imagine me kissing on your mom's boobs
while she says that.
- I would say .
- What is that?
- He's a nice guy.
Nice.
-
So-nya-on?
- That's chag-on.
- Chag-on-son-yeon.
- Chag-on-son-yeon.
- Chag-on-son-yeon is nice.
- So that's me.
I'm kissing on your mom's boobies.
She's chag-on-son-yeon, chag-on-son-yeon.
Chag-on-son-yeon.
By the way, my new nickname.
- With your mom's titty,
I don't need to do that.
- Chag-on-son-yeon, chag-on-son-yeon.
- Oh my God.
- Chag-on-son-yeon.
- Please don't stop.
- Here, look, I'm your mom.
- Oh.
- Chag-on-son-yeon, chag-on-son-yeon.
Chag-on-son-yeon, chag-on-son-yeon.
Chag-on-son-yeon, chag-on-son-yeon, chag-on-son-yeon.
- All right.
- Stop, stop, stop.
Stop.
Stop.
- And now there's gonna be fucking t-shirts with chag-on-son-yeon.
I gotta deal with it.
- Somebody make a t-shirt of Bobby's mom with her titties
and be sucking on his brain, chag-on-son-yeon.
- I don't have to deal with it.
- Please.
- No more, no more about my mom.
- Yeah, what would I, if I died, what would you do?
- Oh my God, please don't ever-
- No, but just listen, sit here, I wanna know.
- I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know, I already-
- What would you do?
- I'd have a charity event at the comedy store.
- Yeah, raise money and she'd take it all.
Should we quit this thing and start a band
and be happy without Hollywood?
- You know, a lot of my fears and my sadness
comes from Hollywood, so yeah, maybe.
- We should quit it.
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna do it anymore.
- Hollywood is scary and I watched,
just to kinda change subjects a bit, but that movie you're in.
- What movie?
- "Fool's Paradise".
I didn't even know you were in it and you opened it up,
a small scene, but that's all about Hollywood and the industry.
- Yeah, Charlie Day, Charlie, my buddy Charlie Day
did a movie called "Fool's Paradise", it's great.
- I loved your cameo in it.
- You liked the movie?
- Yeah, I liked it a lot, I thought it was really funny.
- It was me and actually I get tagged in it.
People say it's me and you.
- Yeah, I also thought it was gonna be Bobby.
- Should've been.
- No, you, it's fine.
I love Ken.
- I thought it was you about halfway through the movie.
- What are you laughing at?
What are you laughing at, dude?
- I'm not laughing.
- You are.
- How come you keep picking roles with other Koreans
that aren't Bobby?
- They hand it to me.
They asked me to do it with other Koreans
and I keep fighting to do it with Bobby,
but if I'm gonna make an announcement in here, I will.
I'll say it.
I'll say it even though it's not done yet,
but Bob and I are doing an animated series right now.
We're working on it literally right now.
We just had a call about it a couple hours ago.
We're gonna be doing a little animation.
- You're not gonna over-place him?
- Uh.
- What do you mean by that?
- 'Cause he keeps working with all these other Koreans.
- Do you know how Hollywood works?
- No, I don't.
- This is, this is what we do together.
And when it comes to everything else, you know, it's fine.
- Yeah, it's fine.
- Yeah. - Everything's fine.
I know my place in the world and I'm very happy.
- It's a good place.
- I enjoy my life.
- What are you gonna do for Christmas, by the way?
- You kill myself.
- I kill myself.
- So you're getting me a gift.
- Yeah, finally.