Name: Assassin's Creed: Uncircumcised!
Uploaded: 2024-01-14T13:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Assassin's Creed: Uncircumcised!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Assassin's Creed: Uncircumcised!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-14. Transcript available.

let's introduce our guest not yet no please don't yet let's let him sit for
another minute yeah
because um yeah he's been bothering me our guest no just he in general hmm you
know what's been
going on well over the years you know i've been seeing him around right and he
i feel like he gets
offended easily and stuff and like he's just like come on bob and this and that
but i love him as a
performer i really do i think he's just so interesting what a what a what a
vibe you want
to introduce him or you just want to leave it hanging like that do you want to
tailor taylor
williamson you do not know his name i do i just said it i got so nervous taylor
williamson yeah we
couldn't get taylor tomlinson but we got taylor williamson yeah i said to get
tomlinson yeah you
said that is the wrong one yeah it's a little uh it's a little too soon for
that one is it too soon
can i tell you she's so talented she is there's we have nothing in common yeah
san diego but like
that's it but like there's like a one-way rivalry with i have with her yeah i
get tagged every time
she gets a netflix special or she's she hosts a tv show yeah congratulations
taylor comedy and i'm
like i think you meant taylor tomlinson oh no i got brought up as her recently
you know how they say um
dogs look like their owners this one does not to me it does let me see his
belly is like his head
well they both said i asked you before the show you both have the same
beautiful same trauma right
what happened to the dog that happened to you we both have a abandonment issues
and uh uh neglect
and that we were both we were both in a hoarding situation in a car with 20 20
uh dogs really really
both of us we grew up like that and this is betty this is baby betty baby betty
and you knitted her
sweater i knitted this with my own hands is she on fentanyl why is she nodding
off yeah yeah she's
knotted off like four times already she's honestly don't take this the wrong
way is she from bakersfield
she's from los angeles area i don't know where so yeah bakersfield bakersfield
yeah when she doesn't
when she's up and rambunctious i want her to sleep i put on your show and she
falls asleep very
quickly okay see what you're doing right now insult insult does not see what
you're doing right now what
happened you don't do that no i'm i'm a fan no i love how we tried it i love it
it didn't sound
inside of you that i love dude what can i keep doing it okay so listen so bobby
bobby like a couple of
years ago he i see him in the hallway at the comedy store yeah guy and he's
been he's randomly very nice
to me like when i was 18 years old he helped me can i just say one thing real
quick i just realized
you know hitler did that with his mustache but he did it with his eyebrows oh
wow wow and it's
really wow are you telling a jewish guy that he has hitler eyebrows is that
your comedy yeah during
this time yeah so anyway go ahead i still don't understand you say my eyebrows
i like it anyway
let's move on these are natural natural that's great those are natural eyebrows
yeah told you oh you
did we had a bet that before the show yeah those are natural there's no way you
cut them that way
no i said those are natural that's all natty baby yeah those are god given so
go ahead sorry jewish
god given no less i didn't know you were jewish we did not know you were jewish
yeah i didn't know
you would not have had you on the show my mom told me to start mentioning and
it helped my career
these days you know is that what you're yeah it'll help me get attacked say it
how she would have said
it though yeah um how would your mom say it hey taylor you should say you're
jewish sure what
she's shy is your mom your dad actually a single mom yeah kind of oh really
yeah i got punished you
would say i'm a mother and a father oh you're abandoned yeah a little bit what
happened to dad
yeah he's around we wish him well he's a nice guy what do you mean he has a
good linkedin profile
you know but he wasn't in the house when you he was in his house what does he
do um he he was an
insurance agent and then uh yeah no more of that but um if you need insurance i
don't think i'm gonna
look up for your dad i i want to support you not your father and your father
wasn't there for you it
sounds like you know with divorced parents you know how old like a comedian
when i was really little
like a little baby one for me oh yeah yeah pre-one i think it was just before i
was one they split
oh that's what you and i have in common oh wow there you go there's one thing
just two
two divorced uh parent children of divorced parents with a puppy i do have a
dog but my dog
um is let is not as aloof as yours but she's more alive but your mom found
another man she did
she found a great did your mom find another man she did what's his name uh uh
david if i thought
he just made that he was nervous to say well i mean it's just kind of weird david
i just like
we're giving out names yeah we are okay you can just make it up if you don't
want to yeah yeah but
we're leaving the raphael we're leaving that in let's see what you want to do
again we'll just
we cut that out yeah what's your what's your mom's new guy's name name uh dave
no god damn
it's different what kind of breed of dog is betty she's thank you for asking
she's uh i did that
she's a rescue i'm a great person you know um but i did the dna test allegedly
according to the thing
i said she's a 50 you want to take make guesses chihuahua for sure yeah uh
maybe a little bit of uh
i see some pit maybe some strong pit some pit in there maybe some american bulldog
yeah
okay so it's a chihuahua um uh habanese right now chihuahua
do you want to clip up close look no no no it's from here it's good yeah i feel
like nothing's gonna
change it's not a mad she's not a magic guy it's just a dog a magic eye i don't
need to get closer to
see what the image you don't know what a magic guy is is that those things and
then uh you press
the button and no look up magic magic eye was a thing it was like a scrambling
of an image and if
you got closer and pulled away slowly look there's magic guy if you got closer
and you and you pulled
away you got to see the image that was layered within that it's actually
incredible technology
do you remember magic guy well i is that the one where you look it's on glass
and then you have to
see through the glass and then the images comes 3d i mean i kind of just
explained it seconds ago but
yeah no no no no i mean moments ago if we can rewind two seconds it's different
than what i'm talking
about no no if you got close and as you slowly pull away your eyes readjust
there is an image within
that image he's thinking but is it 3d though well dude yeah okay well then
because the ones that my
mom has one it says i love new york but she doesn't want people to really know
so they have to figure
it out yeah it says i love new york but it's this thing and she doesn't realize
that she just thinks
it's that oh that's so it's so beautiful the color i go no but it's a thing art
good art right it's
good art and i i stared at it and i went away as you see the buildings and i
love new york and i go
mom look and she no it's red it's good you know what i mean so she doesn't but
so are we talking about
the same thing yeah when asians do magic eye how do you have to get closer you
think
or because your eyes are strained more often than ours maybe well it's like
longer i need a longer
yeah the panoramic yeah i need a panoramic panoramic can i ask a question no no
no anyway
is that true or are you being funny because i'm actually curious this guy this
first time last time
on the show can i tell you what this guy does i'm fine with that yeah yeah we
love you i love you too
can i say this is this guy he like when i was 18 he's he helped me get the commies
there was a big
deal for me he helped you get in he helped me get in you know and like and he
was very kind but then
like every but then like once every three years he comes up to me says the
sweetest kindest thing
which means the world makes i admire you so much as a comedian and uh and uh
but uh but then in between
he's weird to me the whole time yeah and like and that's love it's very but so
uh how am i to you
um you be honest be honest we don't talk we don't talk that much but you're
always kind i would say
hi we say how we have a kind exchange what did i touch i touched what did i
touch touch my butt a
lot yeah i do touch your butt a lot yeah and you've apologized for it then you
do it again i do it every
time why do you touch his butt got a great little touch he does got a great
little touch yeah thank you
but it doesn't make you uncomfortable but i do apologize because i go he
probably doesn't want
me to touch his touch but i do a little tip-tap as i go by in the hallway
because it's a nice tush
you look like you come quick oh yeah you come quick no actually are you whoa
wait you last in bed
yeah yeah i'm uncircumcised i'm actually circumcised we're all we're all so
what is that
like i've talked to people about this isn't circumcised make it it's harder to
well they say if
you've got the sleeve you it's more sensitive but and you've been clipped you
have a you have
a helmet we all have a helmet buddy we're all we're all yeah we got helmets i
mean this is part of a
part of the war it's war you need a helmet it's war wait a helmet wait i don't
understand a helmet
what is a helmet helmet means you're uncircumcised no circumcised man circumcised
means you have a
helmet well it doesn't look like a helmet i mean what does your head of your
penis look like
just should i look right now no no no well you can yeah are there two parts to
it
or just one side of a sleeve covering up the head of your penis my penis is one
in one piece let me
tell you something does your dick look like this or does it look like this i
thought i'm not kidding
i thought that was the helmet because it covers it buddy this this this is the
helmet when it's out in
the open this is this is if you got a cloak on you have a sleeve yeah you're
sleeved up this is
uncircumcised they got sleeves but that's not the helmet no it's not i know man
helmet protects it
from the beginning hurts it's on it's a hoodie it's a hoodie it's a hoodie you
know you ever see
assassin's creed yeah he's out slashing slashing right yeah and then when he's
fucking he takes it
off helmet helmet i didn't know that yeah no yeah yeah anyway let this fuck let
me just kind of just
tiles have a helmet too it's just covered up by a hoodie so they take off the
hoodie but aren't
jewish people just i don't know they circumcise this they do circumcise they do
a bris they do a
bris so you're circumcised i am you have a helmet and you got brist in front of
a bunch of people
you got your dick snipped in front of people right i didn't you didn't do an uh
an old school bris
they did at the hospital what can i can tell you something i just i have carlos
told me what i should
do what to get to be a good guest yeah oh that's a good guy to listen to oh my
god and like he's like
just bring good good you're failing yeah it's okay no you're doing great it's
funny you said this conversation
came up i don't want to it doesn't we don't have to do this but i thought it'd
be funny we played two
truths and a lie and i shared things and then uh i think it's i think we'd have
a great time i think
we should do it two truths and a lie i think it's fine because wait let me just
just set this up
i'm some fucking uh the more i listen to you the more i realize you're jewish
yeah by the way you
jump through conversation yeah all jewish people go and then they say it and
then they go
and then they say it slow down i'm not in a hurry here i know we're here when
your back hurts do you
make a noise can i tell you i sincerely started doing that yes unironically i
make how old are you
now 37. yeah dude wait till you hit 40 it gets worse do you say oh when you're
40. yeah i i am jewish
i was as soon as i had 40. you turned jewish i turned jewish yeah oh mazlos grazie
uh are you are you single um in the questionable what does that oh you're kind
of in a relationship
you're seeing somebody i've been seeing somebody and right yeah and she
comedian or no
a lay person lay person yeah yeah a human human yeah and then how did you meet
her i met her um
i met her at the improv many years ago we were we connected a couple years ago
and she's really
special and stuff and she lives in a different city we're dealing some stuff
where does she what what
what state i wanted to get specific uh georgia atlanta yeah yeah have you ever
been not have you ever
been into men no only women only one have you tried i haven't tried you thought
about it i've been
honestly i thought about it a lot because i've been offered it tremendous
amounts of times yeah
and i've been offered wonderful things in exchange for participating like what
uh a condo uh money honda
civic i'm gonna buy him a honda yeah yeah have you have you gotten a condo i
have a house
well that's must have been a rich guy you think i blew somebody for the house
no no no i paid american money well but the money was acquired by by fucking
flowing guys yeah
i blew a guy but yeah but that's great the only reason i ask is because uh when
i first met you
uh i did think you were gay and i don't mean that as an insult no up until i
was like 26
people were like you're gay you just don't know it yet and somehow it just
stopped
like it stopped completely abruptly people cut it out yeah but it just i don't
know i need america's
got talent when i was 27 or whatever like it just became you're fantastic on
that show by the way
oh thank you i do remember seeing you doing that and thinking oh this is like
him proving himself
nationally because you're quite young on the show thank you i mean wait let me
ask you something i got
you in the comedy store before that show that was like 10 years before buddy i
did that you you and maz
and john caprula yeah but let's just give him the credit not those yeah yeah
yeah yeah i i give all the
the credit to you interesting were you helping get like mitzi watched me oh
really you look great
good looking kid who's that woman heidi clone oh great i've kissed her on the
mouth isn't that it
didn't that feel weird with a fucking nazi sitting next to you did that not up
your ancestors oh you
did kiss her look at her oh my god no but you're gonna be there's a real mouth
kiss one there somewhere
oh wow you kissed her a bunch yeah now what was this about yeah what's that and
there's ginger i know
ginger yeah wait a minute what's this about with you and heidi klum did you
have a thing dude uh you
know we just you kiss the lady and no no no no you don't just kiss a on-air
personality without a
backstory she's uh so i on the show we had a whole thing and like she was mean
to me and and i got her
to like me and then like now like almost 10 years later people come up to me
and go how's heidi doing
and like it's like a shtick was there yeah i know it's a shtick i bought a
house off of uh
goofing with heidi you know are you asking if i made love to her no dude i'm
not about a house off of
the agt money yeah but also like like what do you mean i'm very talented and i
know i know like we get
it that's why you're on the show dude don't do that i'm very confused yeah yeah
yeah listen you're on
the show because we for a reason we see you around you don't have to do that
all right so what i'm
asking you is did you buy a house based on the money that you got from agt yeah
wow so how much
did you get for agt touring and stuff touring he's saying from this career well
then that's not the
same but what i mean yeah they pay no money carlos you didn't tell me what to
do when this happens

Assassin's Creed: Uncircumcised!

let's introduce our guest not yet no please don't yet let's let him sit for
another minute yeah
because um yeah he's been bothering me our guest no just he in general hmm you
know what's been
going on well over the years you know i've been seeing him around right and he
i feel like he gets
offended easily and stuff and like he's just like come on bob and this and that
but i love him as a
performer i really do i think he's just so interesting what a what a what a
vibe you want
to introduce him or you just want to leave it hanging like that do you want to
tailor taylor
williamson you do not know his name i do i just said it i got so nervous taylor
williamson yeah we
couldn't get taylor tomlinson but we got taylor williamson yeah i said to get
tomlinson yeah you
said that is the wrong one yeah it's a little uh it's a little too soon for
that one is it too soon
can i tell you she's so talented she is there's we have nothing in common yeah
san diego but like
that's it but like there's like a one-way rivalry with i have with her yeah i
get tagged every time
she gets a netflix special or she's she hosts a tv show yeah congratulations
taylor comedy and i'm
like i think you meant taylor tomlinson oh no i got brought up as her recently
you know how they say um
dogs look like their owners this one does not to me it does let me see his
belly is like his head
well they both said i asked you before the show you both have the same
beautiful same trauma right
what happened to the dog that happened to you we both have a abandonment issues
and uh uh neglect
and that we were both we were both in a hoarding situation in a car with 20 20
uh dogs really really
both of us we grew up like that and this is betty this is baby betty baby betty
and you knitted her
sweater i knitted this with my own hands is she on fentanyl why is she nodding
off yeah yeah she's
knotted off like four times already she's honestly don't take this the wrong
way is she from bakersfield
she's from los angeles area i don't know where so yeah bakersfield bakersfield
yeah when she doesn't
when she's up and rambunctious i want her to sleep i put on your show and she
falls asleep very
quickly okay see what you're doing right now insult insult does not see what
you're doing right now what
happened you don't do that no i'm i'm a fan no i love how we tried it i love it
it didn't sound
inside of you that i love dude what can i keep doing it okay so listen so bobby
bobby like a couple of
years ago he i see him in the hallway at the comedy store yeah guy and he's
been he's randomly very nice
to me like when i was 18 years old he helped me can i just say one thing real
quick i just realized
you know hitler did that with his mustache but he did it with his eyebrows oh
wow wow and it's
really wow are you telling a jewish guy that he has hitler eyebrows is that
your comedy yeah during
this time yeah so anyway go ahead i still don't understand you say my eyebrows
i like it anyway
let's move on these are natural natural that's great those are natural eyebrows
yeah told you oh you
did we had a bet that before the show yeah those are natural there's no way you
cut them that way
no i said those are natural that's all natty baby yeah those are god given so
go ahead sorry jewish
god given no less i didn't know you were jewish we did not know you were jewish
yeah i didn't know
you would not have had you on the show my mom told me to start mentioning and
it helped my career
these days you know is that what you're yeah it'll help me get attacked say it
how she would have said
it though yeah um how would your mom say it hey taylor you should say you're
jewish sure what
she's shy is your mom your dad actually a single mom yeah kind of oh really
yeah i got punished you
would say i'm a mother and a father oh you're abandoned yeah a little bit what
happened to dad
yeah he's around we wish him well he's a nice guy what do you mean he has a
good linkedin profile
you know but he wasn't in the house when you he was in his house what does he
do um he he was an
insurance agent and then uh yeah no more of that but um if you need insurance i
don't think i'm gonna
look up for your dad i i want to support you not your father and your father
wasn't there for you it
sounds like you know with divorced parents you know how old like a comedian
when i was really little
like a little baby one for me oh yeah yeah pre-one i think it was just before i
was one they split
oh that's what you and i have in common oh wow there you go there's one thing
just two
two divorced uh parent children of divorced parents with a puppy i do have a
dog but my dog
um is let is not as aloof as yours but she's more alive but your mom found
another man she did
she found a great did your mom find another man she did what's his name uh uh
david if i thought
he just made that he was nervous to say well i mean it's just kind of weird david
i just like
we're giving out names yeah we are okay you can just make it up if you don't
want to yeah yeah but
we're leaving the raphael we're leaving that in let's see what you want to do
again we'll just
we cut that out yeah what's your what's your mom's new guy's name name uh dave
no god damn
it's different what kind of breed of dog is betty she's thank you for asking
she's uh i did that
she's a rescue i'm a great person you know um but i did the dna test allegedly
according to the thing
i said she's a 50 you want to take make guesses chihuahua for sure yeah uh
maybe a little bit of uh
i see some pit maybe some strong pit some pit in there maybe some american bulldog
yeah
okay so it's a chihuahua um uh habanese right now chihuahua
do you want to clip up close look no no no it's from here it's good yeah i feel
like nothing's gonna
change it's not a mad she's not a magic guy it's just a dog a magic eye i don't
need to get closer to
see what the image you don't know what a magic guy is is that those things and
then uh you press
the button and no look up magic magic eye was a thing it was like a scrambling
of an image and if
you got closer and pulled away slowly look there's magic guy if you got closer
and you and you pulled
away you got to see the image that was layered within that it's actually
incredible technology
do you remember magic guy well i is that the one where you look it's on glass
and then you have to
see through the glass and then the images comes 3d i mean i kind of just
explained it seconds ago but
yeah no no no no i mean moments ago if we can rewind two seconds it's different
than what i'm talking
about no no if you got close and as you slowly pull away your eyes readjust
there is an image within
that image he's thinking but is it 3d though well dude yeah okay well then
because the ones that my
mom has one it says i love new york but she doesn't want people to really know
so they have to figure
it out yeah it says i love new york but it's this thing and she doesn't realize
that she just thinks
it's that oh that's so it's so beautiful the color i go no but it's a thing art
good art right it's
good art and i i stared at it and i went away as you see the buildings and i
love new york and i go
mom look and she no it's red it's good you know what i mean so she doesn't but
so are we talking about
the same thing yeah when asians do magic eye how do you have to get closer you
think
or because your eyes are strained more often than ours maybe well it's like
longer i need a longer
yeah the panoramic yeah i need a panoramic panoramic can i ask a question no no
no anyway
is that true or are you being funny because i'm actually curious this guy this
first time last time
on the show can i tell you what this guy does i'm fine with that yeah yeah we
love you i love you too
can i say this is this guy he like when i was 18 he's he helped me get the commies
there was a big
deal for me he helped you get in he helped me get in you know and like and he
was very kind but then
like every but then like once every three years he comes up to me says the
sweetest kindest thing
which means the world makes i admire you so much as a comedian and uh and uh
but uh but then in between
he's weird to me the whole time yeah and like and that's love it's very but so
uh how am i to you
um you be honest be honest we don't talk we don't talk that much but you're
always kind i would say
hi we say how we have a kind exchange what did i touch i touched what did i
touch touch my butt a
lot yeah i do touch your butt a lot yeah and you've apologized for it then you
do it again i do it every
time why do you touch his butt got a great little touch he does got a great
little touch yeah thank you
but it doesn't make you uncomfortable but i do apologize because i go he
probably doesn't want
me to touch his touch but i do a little tip-tap as i go by in the hallway
because it's a nice tush
you look like you come quick oh yeah you come quick no actually are you whoa
wait you last in bed
yeah yeah i'm uncircumcised i'm actually circumcised we're all we're all so
what is that
like i've talked to people about this isn't circumcised make it it's harder to
well they say if
you've got the sleeve you it's more sensitive but and you've been clipped you
have a you have
a helmet we all have a helmet buddy we're all we're all yeah we got helmets i
mean this is part of a
part of the war it's war you need a helmet it's war wait a helmet wait i don't
understand a helmet
what is a helmet helmet means you're uncircumcised no circumcised man circumcised
means you have a
helmet well it doesn't look like a helmet i mean what does your head of your
penis look like
just should i look right now no no no well you can yeah are there two parts to
it
or just one side of a sleeve covering up the head of your penis my penis is one
in one piece let me
tell you something does your dick look like this or does it look like this i
thought i'm not kidding
i thought that was the helmet because it covers it buddy this this this is the
helmet when it's out in
the open this is this is if you got a cloak on you have a sleeve yeah you're
sleeved up this is
uncircumcised they got sleeves but that's not the helmet no it's not i know man
helmet protects it
from the beginning hurts it's on it's a hoodie it's a hoodie it's a hoodie you
know you ever see
assassin's creed yeah he's out slashing slashing right yeah and then when he's
fucking he takes it
off helmet helmet i didn't know that yeah no yeah yeah anyway let this fuck let
me just kind of just
tiles have a helmet too it's just covered up by a hoodie so they take off the
hoodie but aren't
jewish people just i don't know they circumcise this they do circumcise they do
a bris they do a
bris so you're circumcised i am you have a helmet and you got brist in front of
a bunch of people
you got your dick snipped in front of people right i didn't you didn't do an uh
an old school bris
they did at the hospital what can i can tell you something i just i have carlos
told me what i should
do what to get to be a good guest yeah oh that's a good guy to listen to oh my
god and like he's like
just bring good good you're failing yeah it's okay no you're doing great it's
funny you said this conversation
came up i don't want to it doesn't we don't have to do this but i thought it'd
be funny we played two
truths and a lie and i shared things and then uh i think it's i think we'd have
a great time i think
we should do it two truths and a lie i think it's fine because wait let me just
just set this up
i'm some fucking uh the more i listen to you the more i realize you're jewish
yeah by the way you
jump through conversation yeah all jewish people go and then they say it and
then they go
and then they say it slow down i'm not in a hurry here i know we're here when
your back hurts do you
make a noise can i tell you i sincerely started doing that yes unironically i
make how old are you
now 37. yeah dude wait till you hit 40 it gets worse do you say oh when you're
40. yeah i i am jewish
i was as soon as i had 40