Name: Bobby Lee Claims the President is ASIAN!
Uploaded: 2024-01-23T13:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee Claims the President is ASIAN!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee Claims the President is ASIAN!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-23. Transcript available.

- When's the first time you fucked?
- I say 20.
- Well, you say 20, but it wasn't?
- Whatever, fucked, fucked is 21.
- Then why 20?
- Why 20?
- I did a little bit of something when I was 20, you know?
- Like you dipped it in?
- Yeah, yeah, one of those deals.
- It's a little dip, huh?
- What is it called?
Let it soak, you let it soak.
- You soaked it in.
- I didn't even, I just did like, it was just like,
and she was like, all the,
every woman I've ever, by the way,
like every woman I've ever dated like has been like,
or ever hooked up with whatever has been like,
condom, I don't need it.
Like all the stereotype of a man is like,
guys are like, oh, I forgot it.
We don't need it.
- Right.
- Every woman I've ever, you know, you know.
- No, I don't know what, I don't know.
I don't know what you're saying.
- Well, here's why.
- I don't know what you're saying.
- If I'm a girl, you look clean.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
If I was a woman, I'd be like, no.
- This guy's fine.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Also, I wouldn't be afraid of you getting me pregnant.
I figured, you know, like you'd.
- Decent genetics.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
I feel like they would be, they're swimmers.
- Relax, relax.
- But they're not going in the right direction.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, they're going back in.
- Do you think I'm infertile or just?
- No, no, you have a lot of sperm,
but they go back into your penis.
- Okay.
- And all you get is the liquid part.
- Okay.
- Yeah, but they're back in.
- I think they get nervous, they get out there
and they're like, oh no, and they go right back.
- Thank you.
- They get a little, I think they get a little tepid.
- I also think that your testicles are cozy.
- Oh!
- Yeah, you have like a cozy testicle.
- Warm balls.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Warm, warm balls.
- I love this.
- Yeah.
- Whatever the opposite of bullying is.
- Jebediah, let's go back.
I don't know what their names are, but like.
- What's the bigger, what's the bigger?
- Yeah.
- What's the bigger testicle, right or left?
- I don't know, are they different sizes?
- They sure are.
One hangs lower for sure.
- I just learned they moved like recently.
- They go wherever they want, recently.
You're never in cold weather?
- But I mean, like you can hold them
and then they're kind of like,
those Mexican jumping beans kind of.
- Sorry, Carlos.
- No, but that's what they're called.
That's what they're called.
- I know, thank you.
- Sorry.
- Respect, it's.
- By the way, somehow Mexican jumping beans
is, sounds so racist.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Is it not what they're called?
- It just sounds like something Trump said.
- Yeah.
- It does, I was at the airport.
- They're Mexican jumping beans, right over the wall.
Over the wall they go, bing, bong, bing.
- It sounds like he said that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mexican jumping beans.
- All right.
- But is that not what they're called?
- No, they are.
- Yeah, they are.
I was at the airport in Tucson and they had them for sale.
I haven't seen those in like 20 years.
It's like, well, yeah, they probably got rid of them
for a while.
- There are little insects in the bean, right?
Yeah.
And they're trying to get out.
- Yeah.
- They're slowly dying.
- They're tortured animals.
It's like sea monkeys.
They're just like creatures you're torturing.
- Well, what creatures are we okay with torturing then?
I guess let's make a standard.
- I don't like this, but lobsters,
people are down for just like, it's like-
- Dude, do you know about lobsters though?
- They're evil.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
They're satanic.
- Oh good.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- They, their claws, fucking this is what they're doing
the whole time.
- Well, yeah, yeah.
They're doing this and then they're like molesting crabs.
- Six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six.
That's how they-
- They fondled crabs.
The crabs are like, dude, they're victims, dude.
- Yeah.
- But someone hurt, it doesn't make it okay,
but someone hurt people hurt.
Someone did that to them and now they do it to us.
- To the lobster?
Who did it to the lobster?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Squids?
- Oh yeah, those fucking dickheads.
- Those fucking assholes.
- You know who we like the least on this show?
Dolphins.
Dolphins can fuck right off.
Perverts.
- Yeah.
- Pigs, they're pigs.
- Honestly, do you like dolphins?
- No.
- Be real.
- Do I, I mean-
- Like if you're in the ocean and you saw a dolphin
next to you, what would you do?
- In the ocean, I would be scared, honestly,
if I saw a dolphin next to you.
If I'm in the ocean and-
- It's not gonna do anything to you.
- Yeah, yeah, what are you scared?
- I don't want, I'd be like,
is that a dolphin or a shark, first of all?
- Well, he just told you it's a dolphin.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, if the dolphin's like,
don't worry, I'm a dolphin, bro, I'll be like-
- They don't say that.
- They don't say that.
- So they're not-
- And then they start fucking.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Are they just chilling next to you
like so you can get a good look?
- They'll swim by you.
- I know they're chilling, they're not like-
- I don't want to be next to a dolphin in the water,
but if I'm in like,
if I was recently at a friend's house
who's doing well for himself
and he has a house by the beach
and we saw dolphins in the-
- Daniel Tosh, we get it.
- Oh yeah, Danny, yeah, I know Danny from Florida.
- Yeah, Danny from Florida?
- That's what we call him.
- You call Daniel Tosh, Danny from Florida?
- So you went to Danny's house?
- Was that Danny from Florida?
- From Florida's house?
- When he calls into radio shows,
that's what he calls him.
- Okay, so you went to his house?
- Danny from Florida.
- No, I was at Max's house.
- But Max has money
and he lives on the beach in Malibu?
- Yeah.
- Wow. - Wow.
- That's cool, man.
- That's great.
But the problem though is that in like 10 years,
the house is gonna be gone and you can't-
- Who cares?
- We'll be dead in 10 years.
- We'll be dead in 10 years.
- Oh good, I didn't know that.
- Did you not hear Joe Biden address the country yesterday?
- What did he say?
- We'll be dead in 10 years.
That's what he was like.
We'll be dead in 10 years or 11 March are gonna fall apart.
So.
- Did he say I'm gonna be dead in 10 years or-
- I couldn't make it out what he was saying,
but I did think he was saying the world's over.
Did you translate any of that stuff?
- No, but he did mention something about Taylor too.
- Oh, about this Taylor?
- Yeah, Biden.
- What did he say?
- No, he said that we're all gonna die,
but specifically Taylor Williams.
- Yeah.
- Do you see the picture of his cake on fire?
Did you see that photo?
- Well, no, let me see it, let me see it.
- This is classic Joe Biden.
This is our president.
- That's crazy.
- That's crazy, dude.
- 81 candles, it's on fire.
- It's crazy.
- It's not, happy birthday, Joe.
You're on fucking fire.
Should I blow these out?
No, dude, you'll die.
- That's really, that's like a joke.
Why is, how's that real?
- Here's the problem with this guy.
- Yeah.
- So many, I could go on for hours.
He's really genuinely so unaware.
It's not even his fault anymore.
They're parading this guy around like fucking,
I mean, genuinely, they're parading this guy around
and he has no clue what's going on.
- Yeah.
- Like they literally posed him for that.
They put his arms like that.
He's like Gumby.
- You think he was posed like that?
- 100%, I bet my life on it.
That's so he doesn't fall.
You know, this guy,
the earth is spinning fast for this guy.
- But when you put your arms out like that,
the candles were probably normal
and he could have done that with his dark Brandon.
- Oh, wow.
- Laser eyes.
Yeah, dude.
- That's cool if that's true, honestly.
- Now, have you ever met a lizard person?
A politician of any sort of strength or power?
Have you ever been in a room with any lizard people?
- Not lizard people, I've done some USO tours,
so I've met like the chairman,
I joined chief of staff.
- Whoa.
- That's pretty good.
- I know, yeah, yeah, close.
- I spent 4th of July with General Millie.
- Whoa?
- Millie Bobby Brown.
- Yeah.
- When did she get generalized?
- Of Stranger Things.
- I didn't know she got generalized.
Congrats, Millie Bobby Brown.
- Is he nice, General Millie?
- He's so badass and cool.
I think he's a Massachusetts guy.
- Is that him right there?
- Yeah, that's a badass dude.
And he's a Trump, like he's famous 'cause Trump,
we're not supposed to know who these people are, you know?
He's famous because Trump is always hating on him
'cause he like kept democracy intact.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's cool though.
Look at all those fucking things on his chest.
Look at the little flags.
Are those all the countries that he bombed?
- Yeah.
- Is there one for swimming or something?
- Yeah.
- Like is it canoeing and stuff like the Boy Scots or no?
- The very top one is for swimming.
If you can hold your breath in an Olympic pool
down and back once, they'll give you the first one.
- You get the top one?
- Can you zoom in a little bit?
- I'll tell you what all those are.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me what all those are.
All right, so the top one's swimming, right?
Right underneath it to the left, the green and yellow.
- A dozen chicken wings in under a minute.
- Really?
- That's what it is.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah, my uncle's in the military.
He tells me all this fucking stuff.
It's wild.
- Oh, I know the one on the right.
He broke three boards with a karate chop.
- Yeah, karate chop.
That's karate chop board.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have one of those.
- It's somehow not that impressive.
- I know, I mean, I have one.
My dad has one.
Well, my whole family has one.
- Do you have a karate chop medal?
- No, I got to yellow belt and my mom started taking karate,
single mom, cool, but single mom style.
She took it.
I was taking karate at the same time she was taking karate.
And then, so she took it 'cause I was taking it.
And then I failed the orange belt test
and she passed the orange belt test.
- No, really?
- Wait, did she keep going?
Is your mom a black belt now?
- No, she stopped after I stopped.
After she fucked you up, she quit.
That's so funny that your mom stopped after she beat you.
So you have yellow still for the rest of your life
and your mom has orange.
- Yeah.
- Man, that's so cool.
Your mom's the shit.
Is she available to come on the show at some point?
- Um, I mean.
- What does she do for a living?
- She's a brilliant artist.
Like, she was famous in Japan.
- She is?
- And that's why I started taking Japanese lessons.
- What's her name?
Can we look, can we showcase her art?
- If you really, I would love to.
Unfortunately, her online presence isn't killer.
Someone else has her name,
but if you look up Suzanne Marie Art Del Mar,
you'll find her.
- Suzanne Marie Art Del Mar.
So down in Del Mar, does she have a shop?
- So yeah, that's one of her,
like that one, the second one,
like that's some of her art.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's see some.
- Her art's been in a bunch of movies and stuff.
- Oh, okay.
- And shows and stuff.
- Whoa, that's beautiful.
- That's beautiful.
Let me see, zoom in on that.
- She was like legit superstar in the 90s, can I tell you?
I was in Japan a few years ago.
- Yeah.
- And I walked by an art gallery and I went inside
and in Japanese, these people don't speak English.
I was like Boku no Kazan Suzanne Marie des.
Like my mom is Suzanne Marie.
And they were all freaking out.
'Cause she was like,
- I think they were freaking out
'cause you spoke Japanese.
- Oh, you know, Pearman, Pearman speaks Japanese too.
- And this creepy old Japanese guy who's like probably 70,
he was like, oh, Suzanne Marie, very tall.
And I was like, okay.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh.
- That's fucking great, actually.
- She's so special.
- Is that oil?
- I don't know what it was made on, I don't know.
- Do you watch her work ever?
- I know.
- You don't fucking know what your mom's,
what medium of art she is?
- She uses oil, she uses acrylic.
- Where does she live, San Diego?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Del Mar, we know.
- And do you go down there and visit her?
- Yeah.
- And you don't see her studio?
- She's not doing as much as she used to.
She's an older, she's not old, she's not older.
She's been doing some other stuff.
- But she's still with your stepdad?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You like him?
- Yeah.
- What does he do?
- He's a doctor.
- Oh, she did good.
- Yeah, he said Del Mar.
- Oh, Del Mar, nice.
- I'm living in Del Mar if he's-
- Have you ever go to the Del Mar Fair?
- Teaching fourth grade.
- I've been to Del Mar Fair.
- I love the Del Mar Fair.
- Yeah.
- It's a nice part of San Diego.
It's very nice.
I like it up there, Del Mar's beautiful.
- Yeah, I'm lucky.
It's funny, like I grew up a single mom style
in like a little townhouse, you know?
And like artist style.
So like some of the years we have money,
some of the years we're like, we're broke,
what are we doing, you know?
And all my friends are like filthy rich.
- Yeah, that's gotta be wild to grow up in that world
where you are the poor artist scumbag child
and everybody else is finance kids.
- I remember like my buddy got like a BMW M3
for his 16th birthday.
- For his fucking birthday?
- Oh yeah, and then he has a job at the,
this is what they do 'cause one of them marries,
the dad marries a normal kind woman, you know?
Who's like not rich, you know?
That's the generation, you know?
Now women have jobs, it's beautiful.
And you know what I'm saying, am I canceled?
So then, but then like they get jobs
at like the movie theater 'cause like my mom told me
I have to get a service job.
- They have to just work a regular job.
- Drive this M3 to make like $5 an hour.
- Keep 'em humble in some way, right?
It's a balance, I get that.
That makes sense though.
'Cause you had money coming,
you worked at the fucking coffee shop or whatever.
- Yeah, that's right.
- I worked at Postalanex.
- Did you really?
- Yeah, three years, Postalanex.
- God, that's so funny.
- Can we go back to your mom's art or no?
- I could hold an envelope and tell you how much it weighed
and how many stamps it needed.
- That's so pathetic.
- That's my mom's art, yeah.
- Can I buy, how much is a piece?
- You're so sweet, I would love to connect you.
She's, she has, she's been.
- But how much is it?
- I don't know, I don't know. - Good guess!
- It says $600.
- Oh, that's $600?
- This is a serograph, it's not an original.
- Oh, I'll do the 600.
- Okay, I mean, this doesn't go to her,
but this is some like creepy guy
who has her stuff from a long time ago.
- Then I won't add it to cart.
- Yeah, don't buy it from this.
I don't like these people.
Whoever they are, they're just scumbags
who like own her stuff from a long time ago.
- Oh really? And they're reselling her art?
- Yeah.
- Well, this show is gonna help.
So I guess don't buy any,
any of the fans that are interested,
please don't buy anything unless it's gonna be direct.
And if you wanna buy direct for Taylor's mom's art,
his phone number is right here on the screen.
We're gonna put it up right on the screen,
Taylor's direct cell phone number.
Call him and ask him for the link to his mom's art.
Thank you.
- I appreciate, honestly, like my, please,
there's another Suzanne Marie respect to her,
but it's not my mom.
The one that's mostly on the internet, not my mom.
She just didn't adapt to social media and all that,
but she's just more private collectors.
She's a big thing at Hebrew University,
if you ever go out there,
she does a lot of things for private collectors.
If you can't get ahold of Taylor
from the phone number we just put on the screen,
we're gonna also put up his home address right now.
I'd like you to go by his house, say hi to him,
give him a handshake,
and tell him that you'd like to buy some of his mom's art.
Keep going.
- Thank you, yeah.
- She teaches it.
So she teaches art at Hebrew University, or?
- Yeah, her work has been in.
- Let's go back to your past.
- I think her art-
- Can we go back to your past?
- Her art's in the movie Bachelor Party,
where it falls off the wall.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Tom Hanks.
- Yeah.
- Woo!
- Great movie.
- I love that movie.
- She has the art piece that falls off the back of the wall.
- Yeah.
- Barry Diamond's in that movie.
- Barry Diamond, I've opened for him.
- Rest in peace.
- Let's move on.
He's not dead.
- Is he not?
- No.
- Oh wow.
- You just think her dead.
Yesterday I thought, is John Goodman dead?
- No, he's still alive.
- I know.
- I know.
- But do you know what I-
- We knew who just died?
- Who?
- Jimmy Carter's wife.
- Yeah.
- Rosalind Carter.
- She did?
- She was 94.
- Oh no.
- He's 99, still alive.
- What's he up to, JC?
- Like just every second, I want to stay alive.
- He's just staying alive.
- Staying alive, dude.
- That rest in peace.
- I saw a video today of a guy who's 103 years old.
They said, what's the secret?
- I mean, it's just go, no?
- No, no, you gotta ride it out.
- Oh, you gotta ride it out?
- Till the wheels fall off.
- Yeah.
- Now, with that picture of him with the thing over his eye,
I remember this happened.
Who fucked him up?
Was he at a bar and just got fucking knocked?
Imagine Jimmy Carter.
- Oh, I know what it is.
Look, he looks Japanese-er.
- Ooh.
- Stop Asian hate.
That's what happened, dude.
- Did someone attack Jimmy Carter thinking he was Asian?
Fuck you, you old Asian piece of shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
-
- Doesn't he look kind of, look at him.
Oh, he's going in the sky.
Oh.
- He's staring right at an eclipse,
and they tell you not to look at it,
but there he is looking right at it.
- These aren't the best photos of him.
- The internet does this, man.
- Yeah.
- When you get older, they put up so many fucking
rude photographs of you.
- Yeah.
- This is why you're supposed to die young, dude.
- Right.
- Marilyn Monroe's the best example.
She died at 36 years old.
There isn't a bad photo of the girl.
- And the guy, James Dean.
- James Dean, same guy, yeah, same thing.
Steve McQueen, you know what I mean?
There's no bad photos.
Look up Steve McQueen.
There's no bad photos of this fucking guy.
It's impossible.
When you die young, they can't take a bad photo of you.
- Mmm.
- Look at that fucking guy.
- Dude.
- He was like 70 there, no?
- No, he looks great, dude.
- No, when did Steve McQueen die?
Didn't he die young, on the younger side?
He died of cancer, right?
When did he die?
How old was Steve McQueen?
- 50.
- Yeah, he's a young guy.
That's young as shit.
- Wow, 50 years old, man.
- 50, so fucking young.
What's that?
- He died in Juarez.
- In Juarez, Mexico, right?
- Wow.
- In Ciudad.
- You cannot get a bad photo while you're 50?
- You know what, dude?
I know what you're fucking doing right now.
- I don't even know.
- He's targeting at you all day today.
Are you talking?
Look up Bobby Lee, see if there's any bad photos of him.
You're trying to talk shit.
Look at these images.
Handsome, cute, cool, funny, sharp.
- Okay.
- You look like Sarah Jessica Parker in that one picture.
- Yeah, you do.
- Cool shirt.
- Look at that though.
Not one bad photo, Andres.
You jerk.
- You can't even tell the difference, Sarah,
between me and Stevie.
- No, you can a little bit.
Yeah, good photos.
So recant what you said.
Take it back, Fancy, please.
- I was just asking.
- No, no, no, you know what you were doing.
You were shooting your shot.
- Honestly, honestly, dude, I want to be real.
- Is that a picture of you?
- I was gonna fucking let it go, dude.
What is your fucking problem with me today, dude?
I was gonna let it go,
but what the fuck is your problem with me today, dude?
You've been attacking me since fucking, I got here.
- Yeah.
- I've only been nice to you.
And also, can I say something?
I've been giving you hugs, dude.
- Yeah, he has been hugging way more.
- Haven't I been hugging you?
Your fucking ugly pork body?
- Oh my God, hey, be nice.
- You look like a sea fly.
- No.
- I don't know what seed is.
- Shrimp shumai, you said shrimp shumai.

Bobby Lee Claims the President is ASIAN!

- When's the first time you fucked?
- I say 20.
- Well, you say 20, but it wasn't?
- Whatever, fucked, fucked is 21.
- Then why 20?
- Why 20?
- I did a little bit of something when I was 20, you know?
- Like you dipped it in?
- Yeah, yeah, one of those deals.
- It's a little dip, huh?
- What is it called?
Let it soak, you let it soak.
- You soaked it in.
- I didn't even, I just did like, it was just like,
and she was like, all the,
every woman I've ever, by the way,
like every woman I've ever dated like has been like,
or ever hooked up with whatever has been like,
condom, I don't need it.
Like all the stereotype of a man is like,
guys are like, oh, I forgot it.
We don't need it.
- Right.
- Every woman I've ever, you know, you know.
- No, I don't know what, I don't know.
I don't know what you're saying.
- Well, here's why.
- I don't know what you're saying.
- If I'm a girl, you look clean.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
If I was a woman, I'd be like, no.
- This guy's fine.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Also, I wouldn't be afraid of you getting me pregnant.
I figured, you know, like you'd.
- Decent genetics.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
I feel like they would be, they're swimmers.
- Relax, relax.
- But they're not going in the right direction.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, they're going back in.
- Do you think I'm infertile or just?
- No, no, you have a lot of sperm,
but they go back into your penis.
- Okay.
- And all you get is the liquid part.
- Okay.
- Yeah, but they're back in.
- I think they get nervous, they get out there
and they're like, oh no, and they go right back.
- Thank you.
- They get a little, I think they get a little tepid.
- I also think that your testicles are cozy.
- Oh!
- Yeah, you have like a cozy testicle.
- Warm balls.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Warm, warm balls.
- I love this.
- Yeah.
- Whatever the opposite of bullying is.
- Jebediah, let's go back.
I don't know what their names are, but like.
- What's the bigger, what's the bigger?
- Yeah.
- What's the bigger testicle, right or left?
- I don't know, are they different sizes?
- They sure are.
One hangs lower for sure.
- I just learned they moved like recently.
- They go wherever they want, recently.
You're never in cold weather?
- But I mean, like you can hold them
and then they're kind of like,
those Mexican jumping beans kind of.
- Sorry, Carlos.
- No, but that's what they're called.
That's what they're called.
- I know, thank you.
- Sorry.
- Respect, it's.
- By the way, somehow Mexican jumping beans
is, sounds so racist.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Is it not what they're called?
- It just sounds like something Trump said.
- Yeah.
- It does, I was at the airport.
- They're Mexican jumping beans, right over the wall.
Over the wall they go, bing, bong, bing.
- It sounds like he said that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mexican jumping beans.
- All right.
- But is that not what they're called?
- No, they are.
- Yeah, they are.
I was at the airport in Tucson and they had them for sale.
I haven't seen those in like 20 years.
It's like, well, yeah, they probably got rid of them
for a while.
- There are little insects in the bean, right?
Yeah.
And they're trying to get out.
- Yeah.
- They're slowly dying.
- They're tortured animals.
It's like sea monkeys.
They're just like creatures you're torturing.
- Well, what creatures are we okay with torturing then?
I guess let's make a standard.
- I don't like this, but lobsters,
people are down for just like, it's like-
- Dude, do you know about lobsters though?
- They're evil.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
They're satanic.
- Oh good.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- They, their claws, fucking this is what they're doing
the whole time.
- Well, yeah, yeah.
They're doing this and then they're like molesting crabs.
- Six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six.
That's how they-
- They fondled crabs.
The crabs are like, dude, they're victims, dude.
- Yeah.
- But someone hurt, it doesn't make it okay,
but someone hurt people hurt.
Someone did that to them and now they do it to us.
- To the lobster?
Who did it to the lobster?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Squids?
- Oh yeah, those fucking dickheads.
- Those fucking assholes.
- You know who we like the least on this show?
Dolphins.
Dolphins can fuck right off.
Perverts.
- Yeah.
- Pigs, they're pigs.
- Honestly, do you like dolphins?
- No.
- Be real.
- Do I, I mean-
- Like if you're in the ocean and you saw a dolphin
next to you, what would you do?
- In the ocean, I would be scared, honestly,
if I saw a dolphin next to you.
If I'm in the ocean and-
- It's not gonna do anything to you.
- Yeah, yeah, what are you scared?
- I don't want, I'd be like,
is that a dolphin or a shark, first of all?
- Well, he just told you it's a dolphin.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, if the dolphin's like,
don't worry, I'm a dolphin, bro, I'll be like-
- They don't say that.
- They don't say that.
- So they're not-
- And then they start fucking.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Are they just chilling next to you
like so you can get a good look?
- They'll swim by you.
- I know they're chilling, they're not like-
- I don't want to be next to a dolphin in the water,
but if I'm in like,
if I was recently at a friend's house
who's doing well for himself
and he has a house by the beach
and we saw dolphins in the-
- Daniel Tosh, we get it.
- Oh yeah, Danny, yeah, I know Danny from Florida.
- Yeah, Danny from Florida?
- That's what we call him.
- You call Daniel Tosh, Danny from Florida?
- So you went to Danny's house?
- Was that Danny from Florida?
- From Florida's house?
- When he calls into radio shows,
that's what he calls him.
- Okay, so you went to his house?
- Danny from Florida.
- No, I was at Max's house.
- But Max has money
and he lives on the beach in Malibu?
- Yeah.
- Wow. - Wow.
- That's cool, man.
- That's great.
But the problem though is that in like 10 years,
the house is gonna be gone and you can't-
- Who cares?
- We'll be dead in 10 years.
- We'll be dead in 10 years.
- Oh good, I didn't know that.
- Did you not hear Joe Biden address the country yesterday?
- What did he say?
- We'll be dead in 10 years.
That's what he was like.
We'll be dead in 10 years or 11 March are gonna fall apart.
So.
- Did he say I'm gonna be dead in 10 years or-
- I couldn't make it out what he was saying,
but I did think he was saying the world's over.
Did you translate any of that stuff?
- No, but he did mention something about Taylor too.
- Oh, about this Taylor?
- Yeah, Biden.
- What did he say?
- No, he said that we're all gonna die,
but specifically Taylor Williams.
- Yeah.
- Do you see the picture of his cake on fire?
Did you see that photo?
- Well, no, let me see it, let me see it.
- This is classic Joe Biden.
This is our president.
- That's crazy.
- That's crazy, dude.
- 81 candles, it's on fire.
- It's crazy.
- It's not, happy birthday, Joe.
You're on fucking fire.
Should I blow these out?
No, dude, you'll die.
- That's really, that's like a joke.
Why is, how's that real?
- Here's the problem with this guy.
- Yeah.
- So many, I could go on for hours.
He's really genuinely so unaware.
It's not even his fault anymore.
They're parading this guy around like fucking,
I mean, genuinely, they're parading this guy around
and he has no clue what's going on.
- Yeah.
- Like they literally posed him for that.
They put his arms like that.
He's like Gumby.
- You think he was posed like that?
- 100%, I bet my life on it.
That's so he doesn't fall.
You know, this guy,
the earth is spinning fast for this guy.
- But when you put your arms out like that,
the candles were probably normal
and he could have done that with his dark Brandon.
- Oh, wow.
- Laser eyes.
Yeah, dude.
- That's cool if that's true, honestly.
- Now, have you ever met a lizard person?
A politician of any sort of strength or power?
Have you ever been in a room with any lizard people?
- Not lizard people, I've done some USO tours,
so I've met like the chairman,
I joined chief of staff.
- Whoa.
- That's pretty good.
- I know, yeah, yeah, close.
- I spent 4th of July with General Millie.
- Whoa?
- Millie Bobby Brown.
- Yeah.
- When did she get generalized?
- Of Stranger Things.
- I didn't know she got generalized.
Congrats, Millie Bobby Brown.
- Is he nice, General Millie?
- He's so badass and cool.
I think he's a Massachusetts guy.
- Is that him right there?
- Yeah, that's a badass dude.
And he's a Trump, like he's famous 'cause Trump,
we're not supposed to know who these people are, you know?
He's famous because Trump is always hating on him
'cause he like kept democracy intact.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's cool though.
Look at all those fucking things on his chest.
Look at the little flags.
Are those all the countries that he bombed?
- Yeah.
- Is there one for swimming or something?
- Yeah.
- Like is it canoeing and stuff like the Boy Scots or no?
- The very top one is for swimming.
If you can hold your breath in an Olympic pool
down and back once, they'll give you the first one.
- You get the top one?
- Can you zoom in a little bit?
- I'll tell you what all those are.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me what all those are.
All right, so the top one's swimming, right?
Right underneath it to the left, the green and yellow.
- A dozen chicken wings in under a minute.
- Really?
- That's what it is.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah, my uncle's in the military.
He tells me all this fucking stuff.
It's wild.
- Oh, I know the one on the right.
He broke three boards with a karate chop.
- Yeah, karate chop.
That's karate chop board.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have one of those.
- It's somehow not that impressive.
- I know, I mean, I have one.
My dad has one.
Well, my whole family has one.
- Do you have a karate chop medal?
- No, I got to yellow belt and my mom started taking karate,
single mom, cool, but single mom style.
She took it.
I was taking karate at the same time she was taking karate.
And then, so she took it 'cause I was taking it.
And then I failed the orange belt test
and she passed the orange belt test.
- No, really?
- Wait, did she keep going?
Is your mom a black belt now?
- No, she stopped after I stopped.
After she fucked you up, she quit.
That's so funny that your mom stopped after she beat you.
So you have yellow still for the rest of your life
and your mom has orange.
- Yeah.
- Man, that's so cool.
Your mom's the shit.
Is she available to come on the show at some point?
- Um, I mean.
- What does she do for a living?
- She's a brilliant artist.
Like, she was famous in Japan.
- She is?
- And that's why I started taking Japanese lessons.
- What's her name?
Can we look, can we showcase her art?
- If you really, I would love to.
Unfortunately, her online presence isn't killer.
Someone else has her name,
but if you look up Suzanne Marie Art Del Mar,
you'll find her.
- Suzanne Marie Art Del Mar.
So down in Del Mar, does she have a shop?
- So yeah, that's one of her,
like that one, the second one,
like that's some of her art.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's see some.
- Her art's been in a bunch of movies and stuff.
- Oh, okay.
- And shows and stuff.
- Whoa, that's beautiful.
- That's beautiful.
Let me see, zoom in on that.
- She was like legit superstar in the 90s, can I tell you?
I was in Japan a few years ago.
- Yeah.
- And I walked by an art gallery and I went inside
and in Japanese, these people don't speak English.
I was like Boku no Kazan Suzanne Marie des.
Like my mom is Suzanne Marie.
And they were all freaking out.
'Cause she was like,
- I think they were freaking out
'cause you spoke Japanese.
- Oh, you know, Pearman, Pearman speaks Japanese too.
- And this creepy old Japanese guy who's like probably 70,
he was like, oh, Suzanne Marie, very tall.
And I was like, okay.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh.
- That's fucking great, actually.
- She's so special.
- Is that oil?
- I don't know what it was made on, I don't know.
- Do you watch her work ever?
- I know.
- You don't fucking know what your mom's,
what medium of art she is?
- She uses oil, she uses acrylic.
- Where doe