Name: We Want Prison Eyeball Tattoos!
Uploaded: 2024-01-30T13:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Want Prison Eyeball Tattoos!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Want Prison Eyeball Tattoos!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-30. Transcript available.

Like, I saw Derek Chauvin got stabbed again.
I know.
On Black Friday.
Yeah, that's such a good day to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, if you're gonna do it.
Yeah, absolutely.
But does he get hurt?
What happens to him on Cyber Monday is the real question.
Somebody beats him dead with a keyboard.
Keyboard, yeah.
I mean, how does that happen?
iPhone shoved up Derek Chauvin's ass on Cyber Monday.
He's at lunch and he gets, how does that happen?
Well, I haven't been to prison,
but I imagine they coordinate the fuck out of it.
But your dad gave you some bedtime stories, right?
Should I ring him up?
When he came back.
They usually stab them when they're in gen population.
Gen population.
Yeah, if they're somewhere where there's others
like eating lunch or out at the yard,
that's usually when they get.
But also, I watch.
You've got stabbing opportunities.
Well, I've watched these prison shows enough.
They do a lot of like,
when they're just in a common area, right?
Depending on their level of being in trouble.
I watched one of these Mac security prison ones.
They all, it's in an octagon
and they sit in the middle of round tables
and they're allowed to chill until they tell them,
you know, back in the cell to hit the buzzer
and then they go back in.
So, there's just a community chill time.
There's time to chill.
Playing chat.
And that's stabbed opportunity.
Because their cells are open.
So, they can go get shit,
go bring them in.
And also, that's where I see them force people
into the cell to like check them down.
Like you watch.
Check their paperwork.
Yeah, you check their paperwork.
Right, check their paperwork.
Make sure if they're a child molester or not.
So, when they found out about Chauvin,
you know, every opportunity.
They couldn't wait to get to that.
Why is he even,
if I was him,
I would just be in my cell the whole time.
I'd have, I'd have, I'd have.
I'd do postmates my meals.
I would have called,
I would have called Hillary Clinton
to take me out.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Well, she took out Epstein.
I mean, fuck, fuck.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would have called her and been like,
Hilldog, you gotta snap me one, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just going.
Can the cameras turn off?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, but if you gotta think,
if you're Derek Chauvin,
whatever the fuck his name is.
Yeah, I think I said it wrong.
You gotta immediately just become
a white supremacist in jail.
100%.
Yeah.
It's like, those guys are gonna support you.
Yep.
You're like a hero to them.
Yep.
You gotta shave the head,
get the swastika immediately.
That's the move.
I would get it before I went in.
You have to just be like,
all right, well.
You gotta do it, dude.
I lost.
I guess I gotta stop pretending.
I wasn't racist.
You got me.
I'll put the swastika on my head
and I'm going to fucking jail.
Imagine Derek Chauvin going shopping
before he goes away.
He's on eBay looking for SSU.
He's like, let me get some cool
vintage Nazi stuff.
If I went to prison,
there was no Asian gang.
Which gang do you think I should join?
There is an Asian gang.
But what's that?
There was a Latino.
I show up.
I show up on my first day.
Mexican.
You think Mexican?
Because some of our fans
mistake you for Mexican.
I've had a bunch of people be like,
Bobby, you're not Mexican at all.
Really?
You're some Mexican.
Why?
Because I look like Cheech Marin?
You too kind of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think so.
That's weird.
So Mexican I'd go.
100%.
You can't go with the white.
Where would you go?
Where would I go?
Because you're not a white supremacist.
There's no way.
In prison I am.
What the fuck are you talking about?
You're telling me the whites only have white supremacy group.
Yeah.
There's not another group like a Christian group?
Like a Christian gang?
No.
Do you think there's like a fucking kumbaya clique in prison?
Yeah.
No, dude.
There's got to be a clique that's like not the violence.
No.
You're either with the black gang,
with the fucking white supremacist,
or you're with the Mexican.
So he's white supremacist too?
No.
What is he?
No, he's black.
No, he's black.
Oh, he's black.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
As they say in the culture,
he's invited to the cookout.
I'm invited to the cookout.
Ah.
Yeah.
And I am on the outside,
but on the inside,
you got to go with white supremacy.
And I go with the Mexican.
Because of how pale I am,
they're going to get me.
Yeah.
I would get fucking the tattoos on my eyeballs.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
What would they say?
What?
What would it say on your eyeballs?
No, it's all one color.
What?
Yes.
What are you talking about?
They get tattoos on their eyeballs
and turn it into a specific color.
What?
Really?
Yeah, eyeball tattoos.
Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
They look like demons, bro.
You know how much that hurts?
Well, it's on your fucking eyeball.
Yeah, yeah.
I imagine, dude.
Taking out a contact irritates people.
Dude, that's loopy.
They tattoo their fucking eyeballs?
Eyeballs.
So the whites of their eyes,
they change to a different color.
Yeah.
And I would make it yellow
and I would look like I have jaundice.
Is that a baby?
They didn't do it to a baby.
No, it's a fat Filipino.
Wow, look at that.
That's a baby.
Look at that.
That sucks, dude.
It's so crazy.
Lunacy.
But the ones in the MS-13,
some of them go blind
because they do it wrong.
The thing gets infected.
Oh, gang members accidentally do it.
Giving themselves prison eyeball tattoos.
That goes wrong sometimes.
Hey, dog.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, did you sanitize?
I don't want an infection,
player.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
Aryan Brotherhood,
the white,
yeah, the Aryan Brotherhood,
the Nazi lowriders.
Oh, I could be a part of the Nazi lowriders.
Give me some more.
Give me some more.
So the Nazi lowriders.
Even Nazis do cultural appropriation.
Yeah.
They're stealing lowriding
from fucking the people.
They're Nazis.
Nazi lowriders.
The public enemy number one
is a white street gang.
Dirty white boys.
Oh, there's a lot for me to choose from.
Yeah, dirty white boys.
I don't know if I'm a DWB.
Yeah, I think you are, dude.
What else?
European kindred.
Too much.
Too much narrative there.
Aryan Circle,
ooh, DMI,
the Dead Man Incorporated.
That sounds cool, dude.
I like that because
it says predominantly white,
so there's maybe a little.
Yeah, see,
that's the one I want to.
Inclusive, it's inclusive.
Oh, in Baltimore.
That's yours.
I think if I had to choose.
Now, look,
I would like to say
that I could not have to join
a white supremacist gang.
You would.
But it would be nice
to be able to do one
that mixes it up a little bit.
I would like the Simon City Royals.
That would be me.
Predominantly white street
prison gang established
in Chicago.
So that's mine.
I'm a Simon City Royal.
You're part of
the Dead Man Incorporated.
Let's not claim that.
I don't want these guys
kind of in the comments.
Oh, yeah.
I just realized.
We're just saying.
Yeah.
If we want.
If we want.
Oh, my God.
I've just realized
what we've done.
Yeah, we can't be like,
yeah, we're actually in a gang.
No, no, we're not.
We're not doing anything for it.
No.
Okay.
So, and Bobby,
where's the Asian gang?
Can I just say something?
They're not even listed.
When you guys go
and join the white supremacy group,
you can change it
from the inside.
Yeah.
Right?
If somebody says the N word,
you go,
I'm African American, please.
You think there's a board?
What?
You think there's a board
and they have meetings?
Yeah, and you can just
slowly through time change.
Well, here,
you could be the Asian boys.
Fuck yeah.
Also known as the ABZs
or the AB26 or AB.
ABZ Crips.
That's funny.
That's here in Southern California.
Wow.
Founded in the 1980s
to protect Cambodian refugees.
Cambodians.
They're the most violent gangs
in the world.
Yeah, they're crazy.
Cambodians.
Cambodians are crazy.
I mean, they got their shit fucked up.
Yeah, Henry Kissinger
in hell right now.
He's sucking on Hitler's dick
as we-
Did we wish that one?
Did we fuck off Kissinger
on that show?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We did that, huh?
Yeah.
I mean, that piece of shit.
That's like just proof
that there was no-
Go ahead and say it.
Yeah, I agree.
There's no God
or anything good.
It's like he's a war criminal
that lived to a hundred
and everybody just was like-
Everyone was like,
yeah, he just gets-
It was fat as shit.
It looked like shit.
Yeah.
He got pussy too.
Pol Pot.
Pol Pot.
They let him live in a village.
Yeah.
He had a bunch of wives,
had kids.
He just died out his days.
Yeah, yeah.
He died chilling.
There's no karma.
Every slave owner
died an awesome life.
Yeah.
They just got-
They died like in a fucking-
In a-
In a rocking chair.
In a breathable fabric
in a rocking chair
having a mint julep.
Oh, yeah.
There's no karma.
Well, I say goodbye to my land.
Yeah.
This could be you,
the tiny rascal gang.
That's it.
I feel good.
I feel good there.
Or simply just the rascals.
The rascals.
Predominantly ethnically Cambodian
gang based in Long Beach, California.
Yeah, dude.
Cambodian.
Fuck yeah, that's where I'm going to join.
The tiny rascal gang.
Let me-
I should-
We should close this by saying
we respect all of these gangs.
Yeah.
Everyone in it
and we want nothing-
We want no trouble.
No trouble.
Okay?
We love-
We are just talking on a show here.
That's right.
Fuck 12.
Fuck 12 for sure.
You guys are cool.
Stab shovin' again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stab him again, baby.
Let's make that motherfucker
look like a pin cushion.
Dude, do you guys believe
there's no karma?
MLK Day's coming up.
You did Black Friday,
now let's do MLK Day.
Let's go, baby.
He's back.
Let's stab him for MLK Day.
I, uh-
Sam, do you believe in karma?
No.
I don't think it's real.
I think portionally karma
has its things.
I think it doles itself out
in different ways.
Like in what way?
No, if you're Pol Pot,
you kill three and a half million people.
There's no justice in the world.
You die your later days
with pussy.
Yep.
Yeah.
And then what?
Where's the karma?
He stubs his toe real hard one time.
I see it.
I see it.
No, I don't think there's like a,
there is no such thing
as like an eye for an eye.
It's like that doesn't-
What does karma mean then?
There's no justice in the world.
Well, there's a karmatic,
people believe in universal justice
as if the universe is going to give you back
what you did to it,
good or bad.
Potentially, maybe,
in another life.
Maybe.
Here, the sum of person's actions
in this and previous states of existence
viewed as deciding their fate
in future existences.
Now, this is the part
that I get hippy-dippy on
because I do believe
we've done a thousand lives.
I think you've lived a thousand lives.
I do think maybe
your manifestation in this life
is perhaps an amalgamation
of what you did before.
Doesn't mean if you were bad now,
you're bad then,
you're good now.
I just think all of these things
collect together
to make this thing
and it'll happen again
and again and again.
Yeah, like if it's real,
Pol Pot is a guy getting fucked
in the ass in prison right now.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Maybe it's almost like
it's like your delta status.
It's like the year before,
how many flights you took.
It's like,
oh, I'm platinum.
Yeah.
I was a really good guy.
I'm a platinum guy.
And then they change their policy
and they're like,
sorry, you're gold again.
Yeah.
What if karma works
where it's like
the reward is
you get to be evil one time?
What if you had a really awesome life?
You did nothing but like charity
and then it's like,
all right,
now you get to be fucking Pol Pot.
Get pussy till you die.
Kill whoever you want.
So his evil is actually
a reward for being good.
He worked in a soup kitchen
for three lives in a row
or something.
Wow.
He was like a monk
for three lives.
He was sweeping shit
in the streets of London,
you know,
and he had to pick it up
with his hands.
Yep, yep, yep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.