Name: Bobby & Dr. Phil Want Carlos Sober!
Uploaded: 2024-02-07T13:00:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby & Dr. Phil Want Carlos Sober!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby & Dr. Phil Want Carlos Sober!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-07. Transcript available.

Because I do have something to say about that.
Bless you.
Is that chicken pox or monkey pox?
I don't know.
You're the doctor.
I have a statement prepared.
Jess, your sarcasm has been an issue lately.
Sharkasm?
Mm-hmm.
Sharkasm.
Sharkasm.
Oh, sharkasm.
It's when you're like, I didn't shoot my pants.
But you did.
Yeah, you did.
You know what you did and who you are.
Bobby, what's in that pen?
Oh, no.
He's going to have an intervention on you right now.
No judgment?
Yeah.
Just curious.
Okay.
What's in the pen?
It's called a Juul and it's like a tobacco flavored vape.
All good, all good.
What flavor is it?
I just said tobacco.
Like a strawberry or a cheesecake?
No, I just said tobacco, man.
Okay.
And when you suck on it.
Okay, where are you going?
Where are we going, dude?
You need it, huh?
I don't need it.
Okay.
Yeah, go ahead.
Because I don't need this.
Interesting approach, Dr. Phil.
Very interesting.
Well, every patient's different.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're still, okay.
He's trying to get you off the pen.
Go ahead.
No, no.
And if anything, I'd like to encourage more of it.
You want him to use the vape pen more?
I think he's not vaping enough.
Hmm.
That's not going to work either.
Listen, Dr. Phil, I don't drink.
I don't do drugs.
I quit smoking cigarettes.
I vape some.
Congrats on the no smoking.
And this is my last hurrah here.
Right.
So I think I'm doing pretty good, man.
That and food.
You know what's so funny?
That's not a shot.
What my mom said to me yesterday, I've been, did I share about it?
I shared about it in my A meeting.
Okay.
I'm not taking a shot at you.
And what my mom said, you were there.
Yeah.
She goes, you'd be handsome if you lost weight.
She said, you used to look like Elvis.
I thought she said, your face doesn't match your stomach.
That's what she said.
That hurts.
That's fucking, that's deep.
That's deep, dude.
But she said, you have a beautiful face.
She did.
She said, what about my body?
I think your body's fine.
She poked your stomach about five times.
Yeah.
What do you think about my body?
Me as your employee?
That was a great fucking answer.
We'll be right back.
Very good.
Yeah.
I never know our dynamics.
I mean, do you think I should lose some weight?
I think you should, I think you're perfect just the way you are, like, looks-wise,
but you
should walk.
Da-na-na, da-na.
Go on a hike.
It's just the way it is.
Yeah.
Da-na-na, da-na.
You'll never be like how you were before.
After you gorge a big meal, I want you to sit at the piano all slovenly and
just go,
da-na-na.
That's just the way.
Yeah.
Things will never be the same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fall asleep.
Yeah.
I don't think you need to lose any weight.
Thank you.
All I think you need to do is continue being happy and that your health will
follow suit.
I actually really agree with that.
Look at Carlos.
Carlos, he looks as healthy and happy as I've ever seen him.
He hugged me today when I came in the studio.
I was here early yelling at somebody.
Uh-huh.
And Carlos walked in and had a big smile, didn't you?
Uh-huh.
And you, and you, you just, you looked very good.
You feel good.
He came to the meeting today.
Well, I was going to let him share it.
Yeah.
But do you want to share this on the show or no?
Yeah.
I went to an AA meeting for the first time in like six years today.
Whoa.
Hey, that's a big deal.
Don't let anyone tell you it's not.
No one didn't.
No one said it wasn't.
Well, they might.
No, they won't.
There's haters out there.
Phil, what the fuck are you doing?
What you represent on TV is different than today.
Yeah.
I thought you were about to throw a plastic set of glasses in.
No, let me just say something about you, Phil, dude.
Get him.
Even since I've been in here, before even the cameras went on, man, you've been
negative
and fucking weird, swearing up a fucking storm.
Get him, Bob.
You're acting like the opposite of what you're fucking represent on television.
Get him.
I'm fucking tired of this shit, dude.
I love this.
Who the fuck are you, dude?
It's good to see some emotion coming from you.
Doctor.
Are you high right now, dude?
No.
Look at your eyes, dude.
Dr. Phil is stoned.
Dr. Phil, you're stoned right now.
When did you eat an edible?
You know that didn't pause it in reality.
No, it didn't do anything.
Yeah.
It's been a rough couple of weeks.
What's been going on, Phil?
My goldfish died.
Okay.
Oh, man.
We'll get you a new one, bud.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's tough to replace the first fish you buy.
Oh.
Oh.
When did you buy it?
I'm good.
They live like three days.
Three days ago.
Okay.
Well, Dr. Phil, I would like you to get to the root of what's going on with
Carlos.
I'm sorry to step you out of your goldfish quandary, but we'll get you a new
one.
It doesn't mean anything.
And Carlos, we are proud of you.
Big time.
I want to say how happy I am.
You have looked like you're feeling like a new man.
Your clarity the other day was remarkable.
Thank you, Andrew.
You were intimidating Bobby a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
We had some good riffs on the show when I was sober.
I was surprised.
Yeah.
I feel good at how good you feel.
It was interesting.
Coming in sober to that episode, I felt more like ... I felt sharper.
You want to show us something shiny?
Yeah, I got this 24-hour chip today.
That's amazing.
And I showed it to Andrew, and I almost started crying.
And I gave him a big hug.
But are you serious, though?
He is.
What the hell?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?
He is.
He gave me a big hug and almost started crying.
I know, because I don't know.
Are you or not?
Yeah.
I don't ... I just ... I want you to want it, but if you don't want it, I'm
fine, too.
I mean ...
Well, I wouldn't have gone to the meeting if I didn't want to explore that.
Like, I tried to stay sober last night, and it didn't work.
Yeah.
And I was like ...
And tonight?
No, tonight I'm going to.
Really?
I'm going to call.
Let him do it now.
I believe him.
I believe he's got the token to prove it.
It's not real 24 hours, then.
Put talking to the mic, sweetheart.
It's not been 24 hours, then.
No, no.
Well, listen, we need to cut pieces of, like, shit out of people's lives.
The negative fucking Nancy.
You mean fancy?
Yeah.
Yeah, negative fancy.
That's your new name.
Negative fancy, dude.
I'm just saying he ...
No, no, no.
Fuck you, dude.
You told me yesterday you didn't drink.
No, no, but then I did drink.
Yeah, this is what happens.
So, in addiction, fans, it goes up and down.
Oh, my God.
You arrogant piece of shit.
I was trying.
I did try.
That's Spanish.
This is a Spanish-Mexican thing.
I know.
That's what he's trying to show to be superior.
That's what it is.
Can I take a stab at trying to see how we got here?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Carlos, you've been sober a day now.
Yeah, like ...
Ten hours.
Yeah, like ...
Ten hours.
So, like, five back-to-back episodes of Saved by the Bell, the college years.
Exactly.
That's not a long time.
But you spent your time prior to that enjoying the benefits of alcohol
consumption.
No?
Yes.
What were some of the most fun things you did?
And do you miss it right now?
Phil, is this going to keep him sober?
I don't.
I don't know your approach.
You're a doctor.
What are the negative?
Yeah.
Well, that sounds like a good place to start.
Yeah, exactly.
What got you ...
What did you hate about yourself?
Honestly, that I would wake up, not remember how I got home.
That, by the way, is something we've all been there.
Oh, my God.
The nightmare of ...
Imagine.
I've never been there.
Imagine us getting the call.
Call me.
Okay.
Ring, ring.
Oh, hey.
What's up?
Yeah.
Hey, Carlos.
No, it's me, Bobby.
Oh, hey, Bobby.
Yeah.
Why are you calling from Carlos' phone?
Hold on.
What are the numbers?
What are the numbers of the show?
I think we're doing really well this week.
Good, good, good, good.
Good.
We hit all the checkpoints?
Yeah.
Speaking of hit.
Speaking of hit, you got anything to tell me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, why do I have Carlos' phone?
That's right.
Yeah, why?
He's ...
Well, he's in the back of a police car.
What's new?
Yeah, well, what's new is ...
Yeah, what's the new part about this?
The new part about this is that a family died.
Hi, I'm Officer James.
I'm here to tell you about the family.
Now, are you calling me or are you here with me right now?
Oh, I'm here.
Oh, Officer James.
I'm so sorry.
It's good to see you.
We came.
We came.
Oh, you guys showed up.
I was in the car, yeah.
Oh, you came together.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we did.
We're here together.
Jesse, what are you doing here?
What the fuck?
Have you been with these guys all day?
No, I thought we were recording.
Yeah, we were supposed to shoot today.
Yeah, anyway.
Officer James, wrap this up.
We have to have to film bad friends now.
Yeah, well, and I know that, and I realize that this happened close to home,
and I hate
that for you, but your friend, Carlos, hit a family, and they were on their way
to-
Can I stop you for a second?
Yeah.
Chuck E. Cheese, yeah.
You look exactly like Dr. Phil.
Yeah.
I was thinking that.
I thought, too, that.
Are you-
It was crazy.
Dr. Phil?
Let me live a normal life, huh?
Oh, you're like-
Oh, I know.
You're like Steven Seagal.
Yeah, I'm like undercover.
Sometimes he's a cop and stuff, right?
You ever see Undercover Brother with Eddie Griffin?
A hundred percent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm the white version of that.
Wow.
So you cosplay as a cop.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's crazy.
You're like Shaq.
You're like a-
Should we go to the murderer's first office?
Oh, what happened?
Oh, so the family, it's so there was, I think they were, it was all adults.
Yeah, but the good news, Andrew-
Where were they going?
Andrew?
Yeah?
The good news-
Raccoons.
Ate them.
Oh.
It was a family of raccoons.
It was a family of raccoons.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who ate the bodies of the family that was real.
That's true.
That is true.
Are they raccoons?
We opened them up, yeah, and there was a Hispanic family inside the bodies of
the raccoons.
How many people was this?
Well, I mean, you know-
30?
Felt like five, but they just kept coming out.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just like they do in like a regular car.
Yep.
Yeah.
Well, what do you mean?
Sorry, officer, I just didn't get that bit.
A lot of them.
No, what do you mean?
They fit a lot.
They're like clowns.
What's the Mexican one?
That's it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
That was awesome.
Let's get back to the truth.
Oh, Carlos is here.
What's up?
Let's get back to the truth.
Thank God.
Thank God, baby.
You didn't do anything fucking tragic.
That we know of.
Yeah, that's true, because that's not okay.
And hey-
What's in your hand right now?
If you drink and drive again, I will fuck you up.
I will fuck you up.
Oh, that's real.
You're close, dad.
I don't like it.
It's not funny.
I don't like it.
It's not funny.
Not funny.
I have stuff to surrender to you today.
Okay, what is this?
Bring it over.
MDMA, mushrooms, and cocaine.
Give it to me now.
Well, and then leave it here first, and then I'll bring it over to Andrew.
So you're surrendering some stuff that you have for me.
Good for you.
What is it?
Now, do you want to measure this to make sure that none of you-
Okay, so what's the white powder?
Hey, I'm proud of you.
Hey, my man.
What's the white powder?
What's the white powder?
Big fucking deal.
Well, this is Coke, yeah.
I don't know.
Let's-
Can I see?
Officer, doctor?
No.
I'm not going to-
Do you want to hear your mind?
Coke.
Yeah, cocaine.
Last time I did Coke was at a third-eye product concert.
Molly.
Yeah.
Molly from a different dealer.
Molly from a different dealer.
I think I rented that in high school.
I think I'm Molly.
Mushrooms.
Mushrooms.
Mushrooms.
More mushrooms.
And the Coke, no fentanyl.
So it's good to go, doctor.
You've tested it.
Yeah, that's the last of it.
I've done it, and then I had it as a backup in case I needed an oomph in the
morning, and
then I just wanted to-
We're definitely not going to be able to show this on YouTube.
No.
I was thinking about it.
We'll have to blur this out.
Yeah.
But I will say, I'm glad you surrendered.
Are you going to take it?
Huh?
Are you taking it?
Not tonight.
I'll do it tomorrow.
For New Year's.
I'd love to see you on Blow.
I bet you're a blast.
I think you might get scary.
No, I'd be awful.
I'm more fun on depressants, for sure.
Have you done Blow before?
No.
Wow.
Nothing snorty, snorty.
No, because it ruined a part of my childhood.
Oh, that's right.
You know that.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I stay far away from-
I've never done it either.
I have seen it.
First time I saw it, Burger King.
Dr. Phil, I made him pee on a cup, and I want to make sure you test it.
Yeah, we'll have our-
My producer, Tina, will test it.
Oh, I thought you were the doctor.
We call her Pee Tina.
Oh, there you go.
So you peed in the cup before the show.
Dr. Phil, do you want to make sure that it's clean so he's not lying?
Is this real American urine?
Yeah.
Well, Mexican.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Mexican-American.
What's the difference?
If you taste it, you'll know.
Spicier.
It's spicier.
Yeah.
It's got a little bite to it.
Yeah.
I just want to make sure that it's drug-free.
Drug-free.
That's real piss.
Yeah.
Give it one small sip, doctor.
That's how you test it?
Yeah, I smell the pee.
Okay.
I'm not a doctor.
I eat shit.
I smell it to make sure.
Dr. Phil, relax.
She's not a doctor.
I've never tested piss before.
She doesn't know.
Well, you haven't truly lived then.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Is it clean?
Oh, my God.
His pupils are dilating.
I really wish I hadn't done that.
Why?
Because now I'm hooked.
Now you're hooked.
It's delicious.
Pound it, dude.
Pound it, Dr. Phil.
That's great.
Wow.
Wow.
It's the last of my margarita in my system.
You okay?
There's tequila in there.
It's not clean, right?
Return the chip.
I mean, it definitely is pee, but.
This guy.
Return the chip.
Such an asshole.
Return the chip.
You sound like a James Bond villain.
Return the chip.
There it is.
You must return the chip.
Dr. Bond.
Dr. Bond.
Dr. Bond.

Bobby & Dr. Phil Want Carlos Sober!

Because I do have something to say about that.
Bless you.
Is that chicken pox or monkey pox?
I don't know.
You're the doctor.
I have a statement prepared.
Jess, your sarcasm has been an issue lately.
Sharkasm?
Mm-hmm.
Sharkasm.
Sharkasm.
Oh, sharkasm.
It's when you're like, I didn't shoot my pants.
But you did.
Yeah, you did.
You know what you did and who you are.
Bobby, what's in that pen?
Oh, no.
He's going to have an intervention on you right now.
No judgment?
Yeah.
Just curious.
Okay.
What's in the pen?
It's called a Juul and it's like a tobacco flavored vape.
All good, all good.
What flavor is it?
I just said tobacco.
Like a strawberry or a cheesecake?
No, I just said tobacco, man.
Okay.
And when you suck on it.
Okay, where are you going?
Where are we going, dude?
You need it, huh?
I don't need it.
Okay.
Yeah, go ahead.
Because I don't need this.
Interesting approach, Dr. Phil.
Very interesting.
Well, every patient's different.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're still, okay.
He's trying to get you off the pen.
Go ahead.
No, no.
And if anything, I'd like to encourage more of it.
You want him to use the vape pen more?
I think he's not vaping enough.
Hmm.
That's not going to work either.
Listen, Dr. Phil, I don't drink.
I don't do drugs.
I quit smoking cigarettes.
I vape some.
Congrats on the no smoking.
And this is my last hurrah here.
Right.
So I think I'm doing pretty good, man.
That and food.
You know what's so funny?
That's not a shot.
What my mom said to me yesterday, I've been, did I share about it?
I shared about it in my A meeting.
Okay.
I'm not taking a shot at you.
And what my mom said, you were there.
Yeah.
She goes, you'd be handsome if you lost weight.
She said, you used to look like Elvis.
I thought she said, your face doesn't match your stomach.
That's what she said.
That hurts.
That's fucking, that's deep.
That's deep, dude.
But she said, you have a beautiful face.
She did.
She said, what about my body?
I think your body's fine.
She poked your stomach about five times.
Yeah.
What do you think about my body?
Me as your employee?
That was a great fucking answer.
We'll be right back.
Very good.
Yeah.
I never know our dynamics.
I mean, do you think I should lose some weight?
I think you should, I think you're perfect just the way you are, like, looks-wise,
but you
should walk.
Da-na-na, da-na.
Go on a hike.
It's just the way it is.
Yeah.
Da-na-na, da-na.
You'll never be like how you were before.
After you gorge a big meal, I want you to sit at the piano all slovenly and
just go,
da-na-na.
That's just the way.
Yeah.
Things will never be the same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fall asleep.
Yeah.
I don't think you need to lose any weight.
Thank you.
All I think you need to do is continue being happy and that your health will
follow suit.
I actually really agree with that.
Look at Carlos.
Carlos, he looks as healthy and happy as I've ever seen him.
He hugged me today when I came in the studio.
I was here early yelling at somebody.
Uh-huh.
And Carlos walked in and had a big smile, didn't you?
Uh-huh.
And you, and you, you just, you looked very good.
You feel good.
He came to the meeting today.
Well, I was going to let him share it.
Yeah.
But do you want to share this on the show or no?
Yeah.
I went to an AA meeting for the first time in like six years today.
Whoa.
Hey, that's a big deal.
Don't let anyone tell you it's not.
No one didn't.
No one said it wasn't.
Well, they might.
No, they won't.
There's haters out there.
Phil, what the fuck are you doing?
What you represent on TV is different than today.
Yeah.
I thought you were about to throw a plastic set of glasses in.
No, let me just say something about you, Phil, dude.
Get him.
Even since I've been in here, before even the cameras went on, man, you've been
negative
and fucking weird, swearing up a fucking storm.
Get him, Bob.
You're acting like the opposite of what you're fucking represent on television.
Get him.
I'm fucking tired of this shit, dude.
I love this.
Who the fuck are you, dude?
It's good to see some emotion coming from you.
Doctor.
Are you high right now, dude?
No.
Look at your eyes, dude.
Dr. Phil is stoned.
Dr. Phil, you're stoned right now.
When did you eat an edible?
You know that didn't pause it in reality.
No, it didn't do anything.
Yeah.
It's been a rough couple of weeks.
What's been going on, Phil?
My goldfish died.
Okay.
Oh, man.
We'll get you a new one, bud.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's tough to replace the first fish you buy.
Oh.
Oh.
When did you buy it?
I'm good.
They live like three days.
Three days ago.
Okay.
Well, Dr. Phil, I would like you to get to the root of what's going on with
Carlos.
I'm sorry to step you out of your goldfish quandary, but we'll get you a new
one.
It doesn't mean anything.
And Carlos, we are proud of you.
Big time.
I want to say how happy I am.
You have looked like you're feeling like a new man.
Your clarity the other day was remarkable.
Thank you, Andrew.
You were intimidating Bobby a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
We had some good riffs on the show when I was sober.
I was surprised.
Yeah.
I feel good at how good you feel.
It was interesting.
Coming in sober to that episode, I felt more like ... I felt sharper.
You want to show us something shiny?
Yeah, I got this 24-hour chip today.
That's amazing.
And I showed it to Andrew, and I almost started crying.
And I gave him a big hug.
But are you serious, though?
He is.
What the hell?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?
He is.
He gave me a big hug and almost started crying.
I know, because I don't know.
Are you or not?
Yeah.
I don't ... I just ... I want you to want it, but if you don't want it, I'm
fine, too.
I mean ...
Well, I wouldn't have gone to the meeting if I didn't want to explore that.
Like, I tried to stay sober last night, and it didn't work.
Yeah.
And I was like ...
And tonight?
No, tonight I'm going to.
Really?
I'm going to call.
Let him do it now.
I believe him.
I believe he's got the token to prove it.
It's not real 24 hours, then.
Put talking to the mic, sweetheart.
It's not been 24 hours, then.
No, no.
Well, listen, we need to cut pieces of, like, shit out of people's lives.
The negative fucking Nancy.
You mean fancy?
Yeah.
Yeah, negative fancy.
That's your new name.
Negative fancy, dude.
I'm just saying he ...
No, no, no.
Fuck you, dude.
You told me yesterday you didn't drink.
No, no, but then I did drink.
Yeah, this is what happens.
So, in addiction, fans, it goes up and down.
Oh, my God.
You arrogant piece of shit.
I was trying.
I did try.
That's Spanish.
This is a Spanish-Mexican thing.
I know.
That's what he's trying to show to be superior.
That's what it is.
Can I take a stab at trying to see how we got here?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Carlos, you've been sober a day now.
Yeah, like ...
Ten hours.
Yeah, like ...
Ten hours.
So, like, five back-to-back episodes of Saved by the Bell, the college years.
Exactly.
That's not a long time.
But you spent your time prior to that enjoying the benefits of alcohol
consumption.
No?
Yes.
What were some of the most fun things you did?
And do you miss it right now?
Phil, is this going to keep him sober?
I don't.
I don't know your approach.
You're a doctor.
What are the negative?
Yeah.
Well, that sounds like a good place to start.
Yeah, exactly.
What got you ...
What did you hate about yourself?
Honestly, that I would wake up, not remember how I got home.
That, by the way, is something we've all been there.
Oh, my God.
The nightmare of ...
Imagine.
I've never been there.
Imagine us getting the call.
Call me.
Okay.
Ring, ring.
Oh, hey.
What's up?
Yeah.
Hey, Carlos.
No, it's me, Bobby.
Oh, hey, Bobby.
Yeah.
Why are you calling from Carlos' phone?
Hold on.
What are the numbers?
What are the numbers of the show?
I think we're doing really well this week.
Good, good, good, good.
Good.
We hit all the checkpoints?
Yeah.
Speaking of hit.
Speaking of hit, you got anything to tell me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, why do I have Carlos' phone?
That's right.
Yeah, why?
He's ...
Well, he's in the back of a police car.
What's new?
Yeah, well, what's new is ...
Yeah, what's the new part about this?
The new part about this is that a family died.
Hi, I'm Officer James.
I'm here to tell you about the family.
Now, are you calling me or are you here with me right now?
Oh, I'm here.
Oh, Officer James.
I'm so sorry.
It's good to see you.
We came.
We came.
Oh, you guys showed up.
I was in the car, yeah.
Oh, you came together.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we did.
We're here together.
Jesse, what are you doing here?
What the fuck?
Have you been with these guys all day?
No, I thought we were recording.
Yeah, we were supposed to shoot today.
Yeah, anyway.
Officer James, wrap this up.
We have to have to film bad friends now.
Yeah, well, and I know that, and I realize that this happened close to home,
and I hate
that for you, but your friend, Carlos, hit a family, and they were on their way
to-
Can I stop you for a second?
Yeah.
Chuck E. Cheese, yeah.
You look exactly like Dr. Phil.
Yeah.
I was thinking that.
I thought, too, that.
Are you-
It was crazy.
Dr. Phil?
Let me live a normal life, huh?
Oh, you're like-
Oh, I know.
You're like Steven Seagal.
Yeah, I'm like undercover.
Sometimes he's a cop and stuff, right?
You ever see Undercover Brother with Eddie Griffin?
A hundred percent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm the white version of that.
Wow.
So you cosplay as a cop.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's crazy.
You're like Shaq.
You're like a-
Should we go to the murderer's first office?
Oh, what happened?
Oh, so the family, it's so there was, I think they were, it was all adults.
Yeah, but the good news, Andrew-
Where were they going?
Andrew?
Yeah?
The good news-
Raccoons.
Ate them.
Oh.
It was a family of raccoons.
It was a family of raccoons.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who ate the bodies of the family that was real.
That's true.
That is true.
Are they raccoons?
We opened them up, yeah, and there was a Hispanic family inside the bodies of
the raccoons.
How many people was this?
Well, I mean, you know-
30?
Felt like five, but they just kept coming out.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just like they do in like a regular car.
Yep.
Yeah.
Well, what do you mean?
Sorry, officer, I just didn't get that bit.
A lot of them.
No, what do you mean?
They fit a lot.
They're like clowns.
What's the Mexican one?
That's it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
That was awesome.
Let's get back to the truth.
Oh, Carlos is here.
What's up?
Let's get back to the truth.
Thank God.
Thank God, baby.
You didn't do anything fucking tragic.
That we know of.
Yeah, that's true, because that's not okay.
And hey-
What's in your hand right now?
If you drink and drive again, I will fuck you up.
I will fuck you up.
Oh, that's real.
You're close, dad.
I don't like it.
It's not funny.
I don't like it.
It's not funny.
Not funny.
I have stuff to surrender to you today.
Okay, what is this?
Bring it over.
MDMA, mushrooms, and cocaine.
Give it to me now.
Well, and then leave it here first, and then I'll bring it over to Andrew.
So you're surrendering some stuff that you have for me.
Good for you.
What is it?
Now, do you want to measure this to make sure that none of you-
Okay, so what's the white powder?
Hey, I'm proud of you.
Hey, my man.
What's the white powder?
What's the white powder?
Big fucking deal.
Well, this is Coke, yeah.
I don't know.
Let's-
Can I see?
Officer, doctor?
No.
I'm not going to-
Do you want to hear your mind?
Coke.
Yeah, cocaine.
Last time I did Coke was at a third-eye product concert.
Molly.
Yeah.
Molly from a different dealer.
Molly from a different dealer.
I think I rented that in high school.
I think I'm Molly.
Mushrooms.
Mushrooms.
Mushrooms.
More mushrooms.
And the Coke, no fentanyl.
So it's good to go, doctor.
You've tested it.
Yeah, that's the last of it.
I've done it, and then I had it as a backup in case I needed an oomph in the
morning, and
then I just wanted to-
We're definitely not going to be able to show this on You