Name: Bobby & Andrew Predict the Producer's Futures!
Uploaded: 2024-02-08T13:01:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby & Andrew Predict the Producer's Futures!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby & Andrew Predict the Producer's Futures!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-08. Transcript available.

I have an idea.
Well, because Fancy's been so negative lately
and Carlos is just getting out of drugs.
I think I saw this in a movie.
If they switch places.
So Carlos could raise Fancy's baby
and have a beautiful wife and learn responsibility.
And Fancy could start doing cocaine
and kind of loosen up a little bit.
Do you want the show to be up on time every Monday?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like, he could loosen up a little bit.
There was a negative.
Now, let's see.
Even if you switch places physically,
let's see if it dynamically changes
how you guys are.
This is like that Bateman Reynolds movie,
The Change-Up.
It's exactly like that.
That's what I'm thinking of.
All right, let's see if maybe this helps
even a little bit.
Oh, I like this.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
You're, yeah.
You like the position.
Oh, you look so good there.
Thank you.
Hey, Fance.
How are you feeling?
I feel like drinking.
You do?
Wow.
Imagine going on a cruise boat
and hearing that in the room across the hall.
I feel like drinking.
And you go,
we must be in the weird part of the ship.
By the way,
you pass by that room.
You pass by the room thinking,
right on, man.
But you see,
he's just looking in the mirror by himself.
I feel like drinking.
No one's even in there with him.
You poke your head and you go,
my man,
you need a sandwich or something?
Dr. P,
I feel like those Eddie's
are kicking in right now,
aren't they, sweetheart?
I'm feeling pretty good.
Can't taste the pea residue.
Carlos,
congrats again, man.
Thanks, Doc.
I want to give you a big shout out
and a quick little pat me on the back
for yourself.
Appreciate it.
I like to do it for myself
and then I just
do that to you.
See, now, Dr. Bill,
this wouldn't mean like brush it away.
This means like,
this is kind of dismissive.
Oh, sign language.
Isn't this like fuck off?
No, this is fuck off.
That's fuck off.
You know Adam Ray, right?
Sure.
Yeah, can you?
Can I say something?
I want to say,
I've always seen him.
Not a fan.
Oh, me either.
Not a fan, dude.
I've seen him on YouTube.
But I did a video
with Andrew and Adam Ray
about an Olympic video.
Oh, that was.
It's done very well
on the internet.
In my favorites, yeah.
One of my favorites.
But I want to say something,
just relate this to Adam,
if you may.
Okay.
I'm super proud of him
because I can see him
coming up in the comedy world
in terms of like
the numbers
and people talking about him.
Okay.
He's working super hard.
He is, yeah.
And I, honestly,
I tell him
that I'm really proud of the guy.
That's so nice.
Well, that means a lot.
There it is.
Yeah, well, you know,
it's a grind
and as you guys know,
you know,
we just try to put one foot
in front of the other.
That day when we did that,
what was my attitude like?
Miserable.
Was I really?
Yeah, you were being
a little asshole.
Wow, 11 years ago.
11 years ago.
Look at that.
And you left early.
You left the shoot before.
I mean, look at the,
look at the,
oh God,
someone's dealing coke
in a video game.
Well, you left the shoot
before we were done.
Yeah.
We had access to the gym
for a certain amount of time.
Yeah.
And hoot to tootie
was a great name.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
Hoot to tootie.
How skinny I was.
Well, you look good.
You look good.
I haven't changed a bit.
Your mom would like this.
This was 11 years ago.
I can't believe it.
You said his mom
looked like this?
No,
she would like him here.
You see,
you didn't get less negative
for some reason.
It's like you stayed.
I'm positive.
He looks great.
No,
you said your mom
would like this.
It's like a backhanded compliment.
No,
she looked great.
You're a fucking asshole.
You look great.
Fuck you, dude.
11 years ago,
you're saying.
It's a decade ago.
Yeah.
Bobby,
you know what I love
about Hoot's outfit?
It looks like a real coach's outfit.
It does.
Did you have that jacket
or did you buy it?
No,
that was in his trunk.
Yeah,
that was my trunk.
It was in the trunk of his car.
I remember you getting it out.
It was very funny.
Who?
Allison Jones.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
She goes,
I saw that video you did
with Andrew and Adam.
She goes,
it was so funny.
You know what was really funny
about this moment
that we're starting to shoot this?
You didn't want to do it
and then you asked
if you could smoke in the gym.
Yeah.
Oh,
that's right.
And I thought,
of all the places
you probably can't smoke,
it's in a fucking-
Yeah,
it's a kid's gymnasium.
Kid's gym.
Yeah.
But you know what?
But what a fun video.
You killed.
You're violent.
What a funny thing too.
It's like,
violence is only funny
if it's done by the right people.
That's right.
That's true.
Schwarzenegger.
What?
Ooh,
the way you said that.
I don't like the way you said that.
Well,
Arnold.
Yeah,
but the last name.
Well,
now you're making me self-conscious.
I don't know.
Say it,
the last name.
Do you know him,
Arnold?
Yeah.
You know,
in passing,
we've been at premieres together.
I mean,
the Schwartz was fine.
Yeah,
Schwartz sounded normal.
Let's just leave it at that then.
Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Yeah,
we met at the premiere of,
God,
what was it?
That's your old accountant,
Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah,
yeah,
Arnold Schwartz,
yeah.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
What a film.
Wow.
With Christina Applegate
and a very early Estelle Getty.
Love Christina Applegate.
Dude,
I had such a crush on her.
Big crush.
Still do it.
Elizabeth Shue in that?
No.
No.
No,
that's,
that's,
that's a,
that's a,
don't tell,
Adventures in Babysitting.
Yeah.
Boy,
a lot of babysitting movies.
She's doing pretty good,
huh?
Elizabeth Shue.
Yeah.
What is she doing?
I'm not privy to what you're saying.
She's in the,
uh,
The Boys.
Oh,
The Boys,
The Boys.
Yeah.
You see The Boys?
I have.
Great show.
Very funny.
I don't see a lot,
I watch a lot of Dr. Pimple Popper,
a lot.
Oh,
okay,
okay,
okay.
A lot of,
um.
Other doctors.
Chopped Junior.
Boy,
they're mean to those kids.
Yeah.
They're like,
hey,
Caleb.
Do you know Dr. Scholls?
Oh,
the medicine woman.
Oh,
no,
the,
the product.
Yeah,
I also know Dr. Pepper.
The shoe guy.
Isn't Dr. Scholls a shoe guy or no?
You know Dr. Pepper?
Sure.
You know Dr. Pepper?
I know Justin Guarini,
if that's what you're getting at.
Yeah.
The guy.
I can call him right now.
Don't.
Please.
Please don't.
No.
Yeah.
I'll read the room.
Do you know mythological doctors?
Well.
Dr. Doom.
Dr. Doom.
Yeah,
well,
Dr. Claw is probably the most famous
of the fake docs.
Yeah.
Or maybe McDreamy.
Who do you think,
who do you think gets more pussy?
Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget
or Patrick Dempsey?
I'm going to go with Dempsey
as a wild guess,
but I think Dempsey does for sure.
Yeah.
I mean,
agree to disagree,
but yeah.
Yeah,
Dempsey,
he really popped off.
Jess,
who was your like hunk?
Probably Doc Ock.
Dr. Octavius.
Oh,
yeah.
A man with eight arms.
Are you kidding me?
Oh,
okay.
There we go.
Hey,
you're three for three.
Don't his fingers have tongues on them?
They probably could.
Isn't that how they taste?
I've thought about it,
but yeah.
Can you imagine that?
They don't,
but they could.
They could.
Can you imagine getting fingered
and there's a tongue on the finger?
These are the things I think about.
Yeah.
Imagine Dr. Ock.
What's his name?
Octavius?
Octavius.
Him being a goalkeeper
for a soccer team.
Amazing.
Undefeated.
Undefeated.
I mean,
imagine you're doing a penalty kick
and he's just...
Unstoppable.
And then just tongues everywhere.
Yeah.
He don't have tongues,
does he?
Oh my God.
Ronaldo would be scared.
Everybody would be.
No, Ronaldo could get him.
No, Ronaldo could get him.
You think so?
Yeah.
Yeah, he'd be the best.
He'd be the best.
FIFA Ronaldo could.
Fuck yeah, man.
You know much about soccer?
Love FIFA.
Yeah.
Scored on my own team
in the fourth grade.
True story.
What do you mean?
My friend's dad called me
a fucking idiot.
Yeah, wait,
own goal?
What's that?
It's called an own goal.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
The goalie was trying
to dive out of the way.
The ball was going
towards the sideline.
Yeah.
And I kicked it.
And this is me telling the story,
not Adam Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I've heard him
tell a similar story
and he's fabricating.
Yeah.
Me, this happened to me.
Yeah.
Ball's going towards the sideline.
Tried to kick it out of bounds.
It sliced around the goalie.
He dove in slow motion.
Yeah.
And I went, oh, fuck.
My friend's dad
on the ride home goes,
you fucking idiot.
Really?
Fifth grade.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.
So mean.
Yeah, it was terrifying.
As a child,
you learn that, you know,
even adults are doing their best.
But in that moment,
I, you know,
I wanted to grab the wheel
and crash us into a Wendy's.
Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
Dr. Phil.
But I didn't.
I thank God.
Yeah.
Self-discipline.
You're still here, buddy.
Well, I'm clicking and ticking.
I'm feeling good.
Wasn't it just your birthday?
It's September.
Coming up.
Last September.
No, I guess.
We're further away.
We're in the mid.
Yeah.
In the next six months,
it'll probably happen again.
That's like a golden shower
birthday or something.
What do you mean?
When it's your midpoint birthday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that what you think it's called?
I don't know.
I just drank some piss
and I'm still thinking about it.
Oh, okay.
I might have, you know what?
Even though it's going to be
my 53rd birthday.
That's right.
Thank you.
I might have a party.
Really?
Because back in the day,
I don't know if you guys,
do you ever go, Carlos?
I used to have these big parties.
You know where I used to have them?
Hmm.
Spaghetti factory.
Yep.
Did you ever go?
Did Adam ever go?
I believe he sent me some pictures.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it looked like a blast.
I used to rent out
half a fucking spaghetti factory.
Whose dad owned it?
We knew the kid's dad.
I don't remember.
It was a comic
whose dad owned the spaghetti factory.
Get the fuck out.
On Hollywood Boulevard, right?
Yeah, it was on Sunset.
Sunset, I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There was a kid that his dad
owned that spaghetti factory,
a comic.
I don't remember.
When we were coming up
when Adam and I were young.
Sure.
Yeah, we remember.
He tells me a lot
of your up-and-coming stories,
the Robbie Picard bar shows.
Oh, yeah, Robbie Picard,
yeah, down in Orange County.
Orange County.
There's a lot of shit gigs
you guys do,
and I really want to say,
you know, in my world,
it's like, yeah,
you kind of get thrust
into the limelight pretty quick,
but you guys got to just
take it or leave it.
It doesn't seem like
it was quick for you.
Didn't you become famous
in your, like, 50s?
Yeah, but I felt like
I was famous in my 20s.
But you weren't.
What did we learn today?
Well, we learned that
Scooby-Doo has a multiple,
has a different way
of looking at Latin.
Yeah, yeah.
Yabba-dabba-doo.
Yep, we learned that.
So that was good.
We learned that, you know,
I've got all sorts
of different looks
for the camera.
We learned this.
We learned your dance
from EDMN.
EDMN.
Right, what else did we learn?
Well, what we did learn
is that Carlos is on a new path
to happiness
and happiness and redemption.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Why don't we do this?
Why don't we say goodbye
to Dr. Phil
and we can wrap up
without Dr. Phil
so we can talk bad
about him on his back
a little bit.
Happy New Year, by the way.
Happy New Year.
Dr. Phil.
This was a resolution of mine
was to come on this show.
Oh, great.
We really appreciate you, Dr. Phil.
Thank you for being on the show.
Be good to yourself.
That's great.
All right, well,
thanks for Dr. Phil
coming through.
That was a little awkward.
Lockwood?
That was a little...
Shout out.
Shout out Matt Lockwood.
Matt Lockwood.
That was a little awkward.
Dr. Phil...
He's different.
He's a little bit...
Yeah.
Well, he's...
What's the word I'm looking for?
He's a little...
Skinnier?
He's skinnier than I thought.
That is for sure.
Yeah.
That's what it sounds like.
But also, you can tell when it hit.
Yeah, you can tell, can't you?
No, be real.
Yeah, you can tell when the edibles kicked in.
It hit, and then his eyes, you could tell, like...
Ripped.
Ripped, and then he didn't know really what he was talking about.
He drank piss.
I mean, this guy is...
That's insane.
It's so gross.
But did he help solve anything in the studio?
No, not at all.
He made it worse.
He tried to get Carlos to keep using.
Fancy definitely is not in support of Carlos' sobriety,
which is...
Honestly, I'm annoyed, but it's like,
well, how do I really dictate how mad I am?
Let's talk about the year in general.
Can we talk about the year in general?
Please.
We had some great moments this year,
but we've had some dark times.
We have to go through those to get to the light.
Yeah.
Oh, one day in the day.
Whoa!
One day sober.
Fucking Yoda now.
What the fuck?
Andres says I'm not even one day.
Hey, man.
Yeah, yeah.
It works if you work it.
Yeah.
But, you know, it's, you know, to...
As a family, we went through a lot of tough times.
We had some good times.
But, you know, at the end of the day,
we're still standing,
and we will move forward.
We're sitting right now.
Okay.
We'll be sitting,
and we'll sit forward.
We'll sit forward.
I am leaning forward.
I know you are.
And we will continue.
I imagine us doing this for many good years.
One more.
We're done?
No, no.
No, I'll be real.
No, I...
I think till 2025 for sure, though.
I'd say 2030.
Wow, that's a lot.
That's too...
Well, you won't be...
Yeah, you won't be here.
Yeah.
You won't be here.
Yeah, you'll be directing fucking commercials or something then.
Oh, my God.
You know...
But you know what kind...
It'll be like...
It'll be like...
Industrial commercial.
Yes, 100%.
Or you know what?
He'll be washer-dryer.
It'll be like combo washer-dryer.
Yeah.
Do you want to wash and also dry at the same time?
Yeah.
You know, he'll be directing bullshit like that for sure.
I think I can predict what we're going to be in the next couple of years.
I think Carlos, in five years, is no longer going to be in L.A.
What?
Just hear me out.
Okay.
He's going to be one of those guys that's going to live amongst other people
like him
in an island, do beads.
Whoa.
You know what I mean?
A lot of smells.
I like this.
Like lighting like...
You know what I mean?
Powders and stuff.
Thank you.
Okay.
Where's McCone going to be?
McCone is going to go back to Minnesota.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He'll have to.
I mean, that's my prediction.
You're going to be back in Minnesota, but you're the big wig.
You know what I mean?
You're going to be a part of some sort of like a...
You know, a design.
You're going to do something with design.
That's the name of your design firm is big wig.
Big wig.
Designs.
Big wig designs.
But it's going to be in Minneapolis.
You'll have an office.
What about fancy?
Fancy?
I like industrial commercials.
Thank you.
Oh, we mean that.
Yes.
Okay, good.
He's not working for us anymore then in five years.
Okay.
What about Jetski?
Jetski's going to be...
And this is where it turns bad.
Oh, no.
This one's going to hurt.
This one's going to hurt.
It had to be.
It's going to hurt us.
Not you.
What?
You're going to be a huge comedian.
You'll have your own talk show.
Oh, like super fat?
Yeah.
Like, yeah.
No, she will gain weight.
Yeah, a lot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a woman.
And her new name is going to be Roly-Poly.
Roly-Poly?
Yeah.
And the introduction of the song, Roly-Poly.
That's so good.
And she's going to roll down this hill.
Right?
Like, you know, like a pill bug.
Yes.
And you'll come out like that, right?
Yeah.
And you go, you ready to have some fun?
Right?
Everyone in the audience arena is wearing Roly-Poly shirt.
Right.
Roly-Poly bug glasses.
And then you will delete us from your phone.
You'll delete us from your phone.
You will delete us from your phone.
You will go, oh, like when we come up, let's say something to me about us.
I'm Jesse in the future.
Oh.
Jess, it's been so long.
How have you been?
Roly-Poly.
No, we know you're Roly-Poly.
Do you love it, though?
It's so cool.
It's through the scales up in the fucking heavens.
So you lost your ability to talk?
What do you mean?
You got so famous you couldn't formulate phrases?
Hey, guys, you know, when I go down that hill, dude, that's for real.
And I do it every show.
So how come you haven't, like, gotten in contact with us again?
We've been calling you to come back on the Bad Friends show and you-
Excuse me?
You're not an interviewer from news?
It's me.
It's Andrew.
It's me.
Oh.
Hey, hey, Roly.
It's Bobby.
Oh.
You're the sound guy, right?
Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah.
But, yeah, I've been doing it part-time, but I was wondering if you-
What's the tagline?
Whoa, we know what you're going to be doing in five years.
Sound.
Oh, shit.
I'm the sound guy now.
Yeah.
I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner.
Like old times.
Roly-Poly.
I'll get us a tomahawk steak.
Roly-Poly is here.
Roly-Poly is fine.
Roly-Poly is-
It's a therapy thing.
No, like she just goes into herself.
Oh, that's so sad.
It's so sad.
All right, what happens to me in five years?
You're not my driver?
Do sound people have drivers?
I just got an Uber X.
No, I'm not.
You're an Uber X?
No, I'm Lyft.
Oh, you're Lyft?
Yeah.
Okay, well, we got to get to the airport.
I have to drive you?
Yes.
Where are you headed?
Well, my private plane.
You think you're-
Wait.
A sound guy has a private plane?
No, you're the sound guy.
I'm Jesse still.
You're you.
Oh, right now?
Right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I got to say this.
Yeah.
You are going to be working sound on Roly-Poly live shows.
Yeah.
And I'm going to be the driver.
I'm going to be the local driver.
Oh, my God.
I know, I know.
This is where we are in five years.
I know.
The team is dismantled.
Carlos has fallen in love.
He's moved to Texas.
Yeah.
He's opened up a business of bead making.
You're correct.
Yeah.
Thank you.
McCone, by the way, couldn't get to Minneapolis.
He got to Duluth instead.
Oh, yeah.
Couldn't get all the way back to Minneapolis.
Right, right, right, right, right.
And the only thing you got wrong,
because all this is right,
because, you know, I've seen the future.
Yeah.
Is the fancy part.
What is it?
Did not get to direct one commercial.
Not one.
I know.
Close, though.
Pretty close.
Pretty close.
They were considering.
He met with the ad agency.
And they liked him.
He was in the.
They didn't understand him.
He was in the mix.
They didn't understand him.
They didn't understand him.
What's your vision?
My vision is to.
Okay, we can't.
You're out.
You're out.
Yeah, yeah.
You have to have someone with more clear, concising.
Um.

Bobby & Andrew Predict the Producer's Futures!

I have an idea.
Well, because Fancy's been so negative lately
and Carlos is just getting out of drugs.
I think I saw this in a movie.
If they switch places.
So Carlos could raise Fancy's baby
and have a beautiful wife and learn responsibility.
And Fancy could start doing cocaine
and kind of loosen up a little bit.
Do you want the show to be up on time every Monday?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like, he could loosen up a little bit.
There was a negative.
Now, let's see.
Even if you switch places physically,
let's see if it dynamically changes
how you guys are.
This is like that Bateman Reynolds movie,
The Change-Up.
It's exactly like that.
That's what I'm thinking of.
All right, let's see if maybe this helps
even a little bit.
Oh, I like this.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
You're, yeah.
You like the position.
Oh, you look so good there.
Thank you.
Hey, Fance.
How are you feeling?
I feel like drinking.
You do?
Wow.
Imagine going on a cruise boat
and hearing that in the room across the hall.
I feel like drinking.
And you go,
we must be in the weird part of the ship.
By the way,
you pass by that room.
You pass by the room thinking,
right on, man.
But you see,
he's just looking in the mirror by himself.
I feel like drinking.
No one's even in there with him.
You poke your head and you go,
my man,
you need a sandwich or something?
Dr. P,
I feel like those Eddie's
are kicking in right now,
aren't they, sweetheart?
I'm feeling pretty good.
Can't taste the pea residue.
Carlos,
congrats again, man.
Thanks, Doc.
I want to give you a big shout out
and a quick little pat me on the back
for yourself.
Appreciate it.
I like to do it for myself
and then I just
do that to you.
See, now, Dr. Bill,
this wouldn't mean like brush it away.
This means like,
this is kind of dismissive.
Oh, sign language.
Isn't this like fuck off?
No, this is fuck off.
That's fuck off.
You know Adam Ray, right?
Sure.
Yeah, can you?
Can I say something?
I want to say,
I've always seen him.
Not a fan.
Oh, me either.
Not a fan, dude.
I've seen him on YouTube.
But I did a video
with Andrew and Adam Ray
about an Olympic video.
Oh, that was.
It's done very well
on the internet.
In my favorites, yeah.
One of my favorites.
But I want to say something,
just relate this to Adam,
if you may.
Okay.
I'm super proud of him
because I can see him
coming up in the comedy world
in terms of like
the numbers
and people talking about him.
Okay.
He's working super hard.
He is, yeah.
And I, honestly,
I tell him
that I'm really proud of the guy.
That's so nice.
Well, that means a lot.
There it is.
Yeah, well, you know,
it's a grind
and as you guys know,
you know,
we just try to put one foot
in front of the other.
That day when we did that,
what was my attitude like?
Miserable.
Was I really?
Yeah, you were being
a little asshole.
Wow, 11 years ago.
11 years ago.
Look at that.
And you left early.
You left the shoot before.
I mean, look at the,
look at the,
oh God,
someone's dealing coke
in a video game.
Well, you left the shoot
before we were done.
Yeah.
We had access to the gym
for a certain amount of time.
Yeah.
And hoot to tootie
was a great name.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
Hoot to tootie.
How skinny I was.
Well, you look good.
You look good.
I haven't changed a bit.
Your mom would like this.
This was 11 years ago.
I can't believe it.
You said his mom
looked like this?
No,
she would like him here.
You see,
you didn't get less negative
for some reason.
It's like you stayed.
I'm positive.
He looks great.
No,
you said your mom
would like this.
It's like a backhanded compliment.
No,
she looked great.
You're a fucking asshole.
You look great.
Fuck you, dude.
11 years ago,
you're saying.
It's a decade ago.
Yeah.
Bobby,
you know what I love
about Hoot's outfit?
It looks like a real coach's outfit.
It does.
Did you have that jacket
or did you buy it?
No,
that was in his trunk.
Yeah,
that was my trunk.
It was in the trunk of his car.
I remember you getting it out.
It was very funny.
Who?
Allison Jones.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
She goes,
I saw that video you did
with Andrew and Adam.
She goes,
it was so funny.
You know what was really funny
about this moment
that we're starting to shoot this?
You didn't want to do it
and then you asked
if you could smoke in the gym.
Yeah.
Oh,
that's right.
And I thought,
of all the places
you probably can't smoke,
it's in a fucking-
Yeah,
it's a kid's gymnasium.
Kid's gym.
Yeah.
But you know what?
But what a fun video.
You killed.
You're violent.
What a funny thing too.
It's like,
violence is only funny
if it's done by the right people.
That's right.
That's true.
Schwarzenegger.
What?
Ooh,
the way you said that.
I don't like the way you said that.
Well,
Arnold.
Yeah,
but the last name.
Well,
now you're making me self-conscious.
I don't know.
Say it,
the last name.
Do you know him,
Arnold?
Yeah.
You know,
in passing,
we've been at premieres together.
I mean,
the Schwartz was fine.
Yeah,
Schwartz sounded normal.
Let's just leave it at that then.
Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Yeah,
we met at the premiere of,
God,
what was it?
That's your old accountant,
Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah,
yeah,
Arnold Schwartz,
yeah.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
What a film.
Wow.
With Christina Applegate
and a very early Estelle Getty.
Love Christina Applegate.
Dude,
I had such a crush on her.
Big crush.
Still do it.
Elizabeth Shue in that?
No.
No.
No,
that's,
that's,
that's a,
that's a,
don't tell,
Adventures in Babysitting.
Yeah.
Boy,
a lot of babysitting movies.
She's doing pretty good,
huh?
Elizabeth Shue.
Yeah.
What is she doing?
I'm not privy to what you're saying.
She's in the,
uh,
The Boys.
Oh,
The Boys,
The Boys.
Yeah.
You see The Boys?
I have.
Great show.
Very funny.
I don't see a lot,
I watch a lot of Dr. Pimple Popper,
a lot.
Oh,
okay,
okay,
okay.
A lot of,
um.
Other doctors.
Chopped Junior.
Boy,
they're mean to those kids.
Yeah.
They're like,
hey,
Caleb.
Do you know Dr. Scholls?
Oh,
the medicine woman.
Oh,
no,
the,
the product.
Yeah,
I also know Dr. Pepper.
The shoe guy.
Isn't Dr. Scholls a shoe guy or no?
You know Dr. Pepper?
Sure.
You know Dr. Pepper?
I know Justin Guarini,
if that's what you're getting at.
Yeah.
The guy.
I can call him right now.
Don't.
Please.
Please don't.
No.
Yeah.
I'll read the room.
Do you know mythological doctors?
Well.
Dr. Doom.
Dr. Doom.
Yeah,
well,
Dr. Claw is probably the most famous
of the fake docs.
Yeah.
Or maybe McDreamy.
Who do you think,
who do you think gets more pussy?
Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget
or Patrick Dempsey?
I'm going to go with Dempsey
as a wild guess,
but I think Dempsey does for sure.
Yeah.
I mean,
agree to disagree,
but yeah.
Yeah,
Dempsey,
he really popped off.
Jess,
who was your like hunk?
Probably Doc Ock.
Dr. Octavius.
Oh,
yeah.
A man with eight arms.
Are you kidding me?
Oh,
okay.
There we go.
Hey,
you're three for three.
Don't his fingers have tongues on them?
They probably could.
Isn't that how they taste?
I've thought about it,
but yeah.
Can you imagine that?
They don't,
but they could.
They could.
Can you imagine getting fingered
and there's a tongue on the finger?
These are the things I think about.
Yeah.
Imagine Dr. Ock.
What's his name?
Octavius?
Octavius.
Him being a goalkeeper
for a soccer team.
Amazing.
Undefeated.
Undefeated.
I mean,
imagine you're doing a penalty kick
and he's just...
Unstoppable.
And then just tongues everywhere.
Yeah.
He don't have tongues,
does he?
Oh my God.
Ronaldo would be scared.
Everybody would be.
No, Ronaldo could get him.
No, Ronaldo could get him.
You think so?
Yeah.
Yeah, he'd be the best.
He'd be the best.
FIFA Ronaldo could.
Fuck yeah, man.
You know much about soccer?
Love FIFA.
Yeah.
Scored on my own team
in the fourth grade.
True story.
What do you mean?
My friend's dad called me
a fucking idiot.
Yeah, wait,
own goal?
What's that?
It's called an own goal.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
The goalie was trying
to dive out of the way.
The ball was going
towards the sideline.
Yeah.
And I kicked it.
And this is me telling the story,
not Adam Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I've heard him
tell a similar story
and he's fabricating.
Yeah.
Me, this happened to me.
Yeah.
Ball's going towards the sideline.
Tried to kick it out of bounds.
It sliced around the goalie.
He dove in slow motion.
Yeah.
And I went, oh, fuck.
My friend's dad
on the ride home goes,
you fucking idiot.
Really?
Fifth grade.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.
So mean.
Yeah, it was terrifying.
As a child,
you learn that, you know,
even adults are doing their best.
But in that moment,
I, you know,
I wanted to grab the wheel
and crash us into a Wendy's.
Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
Dr. Phil.
But I didn't.
I thank God.
Yeah.
Self-discipline.
You're still here, buddy.
Well, I'm clicking and ticking.
I'm feeling good.
Wasn't it just your birthday?
It's September.
Coming up.
Last September.
No, I guess.
We're further away.
We're in the mid.
Yeah.
In the next six months,
it'll probably happen again.
That's like a golden shower
birthday or something.
What do you mean?
When it's your midpoint birthday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that what you think it's called?
I don't know.
I just drank some piss
and I'm still thinking about it.
Oh, okay.
I might have, you know what?
Even though it's going to be
my 53rd birthday.
That's right.
Thank you.
I might have a party.
Really?
Because back in the day,
I don't know if you guys,
do you ever go, Carlos?
I used to have these big parties.
You know where I used to have them?
Hmm.
Spaghetti factory.
Yep.
Did you ever go?
Did Adam ever go?
I believe he sent me some pictures.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it looked like a blast.
I used to rent out
half a fucking spaghetti factory.
Whose dad owned it?
We knew the kid's dad.
I don't remember.
It was a comic
whose dad owned the spaghetti factory.
Get the fuck out.
On Hollywood Boulevard, right?
Yeah, it was on Sunset.
Sunset, I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There was a kid that his dad
owned that spaghetti factory,
a comic.
I don't remember.
When we were coming up
when Adam and I were young.
Sure.
Yeah, we remember.
He tells me a lot
of your up-and-coming stories,
the Robbie Picard bar shows.
Oh, yeah, Robbie Picard,
yeah, down in Orange County.
Orange County.
There's a lot of shit gigs
you guys do,
and I really want to say,
you know, in my world,
it's like, yeah,
you kind of get thrust
into the limelight pretty quick,
but you guys got to just
take it or leave it.
It doesn't seem like
it was quick for you.
Didn't you become famous
in your, like, 50s?
Yeah, but I felt like
I was famous in my 20s.
But you weren't.
What did we learn today?
Well, we learned that
Scooby-Doo has a multiple,
has a different way
of looking at Latin.
Yeah, yeah.
Yabba-dabba-doo.
Yep, we learned that.
So that was good.
We learned that, you know,
I've got all sorts
of different looks
for the camera.
We learned this.
We learned your dance
from EDMN.
EDMN.
Right, what else did we learn?
Well, what we did learn
is that Carlos is on a new path
to happiness
and happiness and redemption.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Why don't we do this?
Why don't we say goodbye
to Dr. Phil
and we can wrap up
without Dr. Phil
so we can talk bad
about him on his back
a little bit.
Happy New Year, by the way.
Happy New Year.
Dr. Phil.
This was a resolution of mine
was to come on this show.
Oh, great.
We really appreciate you, Dr. Phil.
Thank you for being on the show.
Be good to yourself.
That's great.
All right, well,
thanks for Dr. Phil
coming through.
That was a little awkward.
Lockwood?
That was a little...
Shout out.
Shout out Matt Lockwood.
Matt Lockwood.
That was a little awkward.
Dr. Phil...
He's different.
He's a little bit...
Yeah.
Well, he's...
What's the word I'm looking for?
He's a little...
Skinnier?
He's skinnier than I thought.
That is for sure.
Yeah.
That's what it sounds like.
But also, you can tell when it hit.
Yeah, you can tell, can't you?
No, be real.
Yeah, you can tell when the edibles kicked in.
It hit, and then his eyes, you could tell, like...
Ripped.
Ripped, and then he didn't know really what