Name: Daddy's D is the best D
Uploaded: 2024-02-13T13:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Daddy's D is the best D' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Daddy's D is the best D' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-13. Transcript available.

So tell me what happened last night.
Well, I went to bed at 10 p.m.
I had a headache.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I did my thing.
But remember, you told me to go cash out my winnings and give them to McCone
because McCone lost your-
Lost my $300.
Yeah, so I gave him $300.
He lost that, too.
And then he went to a strip club with Andrew.
And me.
Do you think he deserved one to go to the strip club?
Yeah.
Okay.
He deserved to go.
I like that.
That's good.
That's good.
When you're down, you got to go.
So he lost-
So Jesse can help tell the story.
So he lost $600 of mutual friend money, right?
Yeah, he spent everybody's money last night.
Everybody's money last night.
I gave him some money, too.
She gave him some money, too.
So then I take him to the strip club, Bob.
Okay?
I go to the strip club.
Me, Jesse, McCone, and my friend Baldino.
We go to the strip club.
It's nice.
It's low-key.
It was awesome.
We're having a great time.
I don't know much.
I don't feel weird vibes from Baldino.
You do?
Yeah.
Why?
He's just right there.
Yeah, I want him there.
Yeah, yeah.
In case something happens, he's our security.
Okay?
He's just a little strong for me.
He's very strong.
That's why you feel threatened.
Yeah, that's why you're threatened.
He's sharp.
No, but he, like, when I play fight, he goes a little too far.
Yeah, because why are you playing with fire?
What are you doing?
You're going to get burnt, kiddo.
Stop putting your hand on the stove.
It's going to hurt.
And I just kind of like to grapple a little bit.
No, he doesn't want to grapple a little bit.
And then he puts me in a thing.
And I don't like it.
Just don't put me in the thing.
No, he's got to.
Yeah, yeah.
So we went to the strip club.
Yeah.
I said to, I handed, we got a couple hundred and ones.
And immediately, McCone gets attacked like the sucker he is.
Immediately.
She sits on him so he can't move.
Yeah.
A girl does.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He's such a-
Beautiful or what?
Yeah, she was pretty.
They were all pretty.
They were all pretty.
But I mean, she sat around his lap so he couldn't move like a sucker, you know?
Like a sucker.
Anchored him.
Yeah, anchored him down.
And then what do I get a text that says what?
What do you think?
What do you think the text says?
From who?
From McCone.
Help?
No.
Okay.
Can I have cash, please?
Oh, can I have cash?
That's because of the PLZ.
PLZ.
Can I just say something?
Let me ask you something.
He's already out $800.
Do you have an ATM card?
Yes, I do.
But earlier in the evening, Andrew said, you better not go to the ATM.
Okay, but you have an ATM card.
I do.
All right.
Do you have money in your account?
I do.
Okay.
Do you know your password?
Yeah.
Just get money on...
What are you asking Andrew for money for?
I did eventually go to the ATM.
How much did you pull out?
I pulled out $80.
Tell him why.
Why?
What can you do with $80?
Because I needed to tip them as well.
Two beers.
Two beers.
Oh, well, no.
The two beers were separate.
I put that on my card and then I had to pull out because she was like tip.
And I was like, oh, I guess.
And then so I pulled out $80 in cash and I gave her $40.
Idiot.
He just thought she was into...
Did you think she was just like into you?
No, but I'm just...
I'm bad at like...
It's so awkward to say no.
It's like the coffee shop when they make you on the iPad give a tip.
It's like that times a thousand.
You should see.
Yeah, but you ordered the coffee.
Yeah, you did.
So you asked for money.
You got a lap.
The coffee sat on my lap.
I didn't order any coffee.
You didn't walk into a coffee shop.
The coffee came up to me.
You didn't walk in there and they started making it.
So you go, Uncle Andrew, can I have money for the lap dance?
Yeah.
That is essentially how I went.
He comes over and gives you cash.
I went over to him.
All right.
And how many dances did you get?
One?
Six minutes.
A hundred dollars.
Six minutes.
How good was the dance?
She kneed me in the balls accidentally.
But other than that, it was pretty good.
Did you get erect?
Yeah.
Was it a little moist in the tip?
No moisture.
Okay.
Has your mom been to a strip club?
Have you been to a strip club?
No, don't, don't, don't, don't.
She did, but she doesn't know.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I think she should be so much fun.
Put on the headphones if she want, no?
Can you put this on, mom?
It'll be better.
It's better.
There you go.
That's delicate.
Oh, you're doing it so nicely.
Is it better?
Can you hear?
Yeah, yeah.
Is it better?
Mom, last night they went to a strip club.
Strip club.
Strip club.
Women, they take their clothes off and they all went.
Oh.
And they get done money.
Me too.
No, I went to one time in Michigan.
Tell us.
You went to a strip club in Michigan?
Yeah.
Tell us.
Yes.
Oh, no, a friend.
Oh, you went to a friend went.
Oh, women or men?
Women.
But the dancers were men or women?
Oh, yeah, men.
Naked.
Naked men.
Yeah.
Oh, it's men.
Yeah.
Oh, then you're a man.
Oh, yeah.
Did you see Gochoo?
Huh?
Oh.
Penis.
Big one.
Really?
Dragon boy.
Big one.
Oh, my God.
Wait, his name was Dragon boy?
Dragon boy?
Oh, Brazil.
Brazilian.
Brazil?
Yeah, Brazil.
Wait, it's called Brazil.
No, he was Brazilian.
He came from Brazil.
He came from Brazil.
Oh, Brazil.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Jingle ugly.
Oh, ugly.
She was scary.
Oh, my God.
She said scary.
Too big.
Too big.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, how's dad's?
Dad's penis?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Small?
No.
No.
Not Brazil.
Not Brazil, though.
Not Brazil.
Yeah.
That's ugly.
Yeah.
It's ugly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You see, you were sitting there with your friend, and Brazil was coming dancing
to you?
Yeah.
Did you give him money?
I don't.
You didn't know?
Because I didn't enjoy it.
Oh, you didn't enjoy it.
Jingle.
Jingle.
Scary, she said.
Well, it is scary.
Yeah.
When you get a big Brazilian penis in your face.
Oh, you're not going to do it.
I don't like it.
You're not.
Except daddy.
Daddy's dick is the best dick.
It is.
That's what my mom just said.
Daddy's dick is the best dick.
That's the name of this episode.
Daddy's dick is the best dick.
Can I tell you the coolest thing of the strip club, though?
Please.
The lady gets on her hands, spreads her legs, puts a dollar on her vagina.
Love this.
It goes in the air.
Floats it in the air.
Like confetti.
One girl made it hover for a minute.
Yeah, it was so awesome.
A few women were doing it.
On her back, legs in the air.
It's like a shin limb.
Stripper situation.
Magic.
Also, we don't know.
No, we do know.
Oh, we do know?
Yeah.
So it kept in there by our queefs?
Yeah, I think so.
Okay.
It was awesome.
It was amazing.
Dude, it was honestly amazing.
Some of the acrobatics of some of these girls was shocking.
One of the girls was walking on the ceiling.
Whoa.
Walking on the ceiling.
Whoa, like crossing tiger, hitting dragon style.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, like mission impossible.
She dropped from the pole and hovered on the ground.
She stood right before she had to go.
Whoa, like Ethan Hunt.
And all that was queef noise.
Yeah.
Me and this guy, Mark Babbitt, back in the late 90s, I used to open for Mencia.
Yeah, we know.
And we were at a theater in Texas.
And this guy, Mark Babbitt, who was like back then a promoter, he goes, yeah, I
got a girl to come back here to give us a dance.
And then she got naked.
And then she got naked.
And me and Mark's sitting next to each other.
She bent over.
And her vagina.
Just use a different word.
Oh, yeah.
Her, um, gash.
There it is.
Oh.
No.
Um, her sexual organs.
Worse.
That's better.
That'll do it.
More scientific.
More scientific.
More scientific, yeah.
Approved by your mom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Her sexual organs were green.
Women's sex.
Green?
Have you ever seen a green?
Ask your mom.
Have you ever seen a green?
A green vagina?
I don't never see any.
Me neither.
You and me.
Wait, you've never seen other people's vagina before?
No.
Oh.
Why?
I don't see mine.
You don't ever see yours?
No.
You've never seen your own vagina?
No, why?
I know exactly why.
Why would you?
Yeah, I guess that is true.
It's weird.
It is weird.
It is weird to look at it.
It's weird, right?
Yeah, how can you see yours?
Well, you have a mirror, right?
Yeah.
You don't just lay there in front of the mirror and just look at it or no?
No.
That's what you do if you had one.
When I put something like, you know, something in there, you know?
Like what?
Okay.
Acne.
Okay.
She goes, do you hear what she said?
Don't go too far.
I'm not going too far.
Yeah.
I think you went too far, mom.
I think you went too far, okay?
So she's looked at it if there was acne.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's move on from it.
Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
Anyway, she was...
You're right, you're right, right.
Did she say banana?
What was that, banana?
She's like, why would I look at my own?
Yeah, why would we look at her own?
And you're absolutely right.
That's a good point, mom.
That's a very good question.
Let's move on.
Anyway, I don't know why...
So me and Mark Babbitt, we said, pull it back up to the lady.
No.
And she left.
She was super sad.
Well, yeah.
But it was like, not just green.
It was like, the hue was like a...
You know how like, in the Incredible Hulk mid-transition?
Yeah.
It was like kind of grayish green.
Oof.
All the skin, everything.
It was like really bad.
Like almost fluorescent.
Mm-hmm.
Tints.
I didn't like it.
No, thank you.
Anyway.
We didn't have that experience last night at all.
But one lady was asked if she could use me as a prop.
And I said, no, thank you.
And then she put her sexual organs in Andrew's face.
Right in my face.
And he said that it smelled bad.
She said, who's my next victim?
It smelled bad?
It didn't...
I think she had been...
She had been working out.
She'd been working.
She'd been working.
Long shift.
Ah, sweaty then.
Long shift.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Long shift.
Yeah, it's like World War II, Normandy.
Yeah, she was in the trenches.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.