Name: Rudy & The Water Ghost!
Uploaded: 2024-03-06T13:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy & The Water Ghost!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy & The Water Ghost!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-06. Transcript available.

I was watching Planet Earth, right?
And there was an episode where they have this island
where these birch birds, right?
Birch bird, a birch bird?
Yeah.
And this tiny island, there's not a lot of food and stuff, right?
So how do they eat?
They have these gigantic seagulls that fly over there, right?
Because they can't make it to the mainland, these little birch.
And what they do is they jump on top of their backs,
they poke them, their back,
and they start drinking their blood.
Whoa.
That's kind of smart.
That is very smart.
Yeah.
And the fucking those gigantic birds,
they don't even know what's going on.
They don't care.
Just walking around like, you know what I mean?
They don't know.
Wow.
They suck the blood out of their backs to stay alive.
Yeah.
Vampire birch birds, maybe.
They're like zombies.
They are.
Look at their eyes are blood red.
Oh.
So they drink blood.
See, right there.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Zoom in that photo.
That's cool.
And the big bird doesn't care.
No, look at him.
He's like, ooh.
Oh, he just digs in.
They dig in.
Isn't that unbelievable?
So they're just taking advantage of this other bird's blood,
but they don't ever eat anything but blood?
I think there's certain times of the year
where they can't get anything,
so they go, oh, we'll go blood.
They just got to eat blood.
Isn't it unbelievable, though?
Look at that.
Do you even get full with blood?
I don't want you to try to find out.
Yeah, it depends on how much blood you drink.
I'm sure you can.
You can get full off of blood.
Yeah, yeah.
You ever had blood?
No.
Oh.
Oh, someone's not in Hollywood.
You never been to a restaurant?
You ever had baby blood?
You never had baby blood?
You never been to a restaurant where they offer you blood?
Yeah.
No.
You know what's so gross, though,
is that bird, that little blood bird,
I bet you, in a species format,
has outlived humans
and will outlive humans forever,
and they're sucking blood.
Meanwhile, we're eating Wendy's and fucking Taco Bell.
Maybe we should be sucking blood to live longer.
Here's a concern, though.
What if the seagull's gay and he's unprotected?
Yeah, he's dangerous blood.
Flies back.
That's right.
Infects the whole fucking...
You know, you're a bunch of Fred Mercury birch birds.
You know?
I saw this morning,
I was watching the History Channel.
I love this stuff.
I love the History Channel.
I love nature and history.
Me, too.
Do you like ancient aliens?
I love anything that's ancient.
Me, too.
Nothing current.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No modern shit.
Yeah, you like ancient?
Like ancient old stuff.
Old stuff.
Is there old shit?
Like, when you're in the Philippines,
is there, like, old ruins that you can go visit and stuff?
They're not ruins, but they are old.
There's old shit.
Like, old natives.
There's no, like, Mayan temple?
Well, the Mayans wouldn't be there.
I mean, just some temple that you guys...
I don't think temples?
No.
You guys never did buildings back in the day.
They still don't have buildings now.
I know.
Let me go back to the five ruins.
Go back to the magical five ruins of the Philippines you just were at.
Yeah, ruins of famous ruins in the Philippines.
There we go.
Here we go.
Fortune Island.
Oh, the Sunken Cemetery is cool, though.
Yeah, what's going on there?
Oh, yeah.
There's just...
Whoa.
That's dope.
That's cool, yeah.
So, wait, there's a cemetery that got overtaken by water over the years?
That sounds like the Spaniards did this.
This is from the Spaniards.
That's disgusting.
I think this was because of a volcano.
Yeah, the Spaniards.
We call them volcanoes here.
So, Mount...
Or that could be Aquaman's family.
Right there, all dead.
Yeah.
Sunken...
Cut that out.
That's not even funny.
I just throw things out, and I go, why did I just say that?
Sorry.
You guys have never been here.
I've been there.
You swam down there?
No, we can't swim, because they said it's haunted, so...
Shut up.
It's haunted.
There's so many graves there.
I know.
Oh, really?
I think the spirits...
Have you ever seen a ghost in the water swimming doing a backstroke?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You probably can't swim, so when there's someone swimming on top,
they're going to try to reach onto you to get back up in the air.
Oh, so we're buoys to fucking ghosts.
They drink the blood to you.
But what happens if a ghost catches you?
What happens in the water?
It's not going to kill you.
It's going to drown you.
Yeah.
Oh, just like in Lord of the Rings.
Do you remember?
No.
What are you talking about?
Do you remember?
What are you talking about?
Lord of the Rings?
Yeah, but when does he...
When does someone underwater...
I think in the third movie, there's this swamp area,
and Gollum tells Frodo not to look about the starry eyes.
Shut the fuck up.
Do you remember?
I'm not a nerd, dude.
I've seen that movie before.
Do you guys not know this?
Right, and so then Frodo fucks up, and he stares at a...
Looks into the water.
Looks into the water, and there's kind of a dead, glowy eye in there.
But doesn't try to get him.
No, but then he goes into a trance.
Oh, right.
Then he falls into the fucking swamp.
So they trance you.
And then all the fucking ghosts in the water try to grab him,
and guess what?
The fat fuck Sam dives in and gets him.
He gets him.
Oh, he's a fatty to save the day.
No, it was Gollum, actually.
It was in Fat Fuck.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah, yeah.
Was Sam and the other guy gay?
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
No!
Yeah, they were.
No, they weren't gay, dude.
It came out years later, they were gay.
They were?
Mm-hmm.
The internet.
It broke the internet.
Look it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Was Sam from Lord of the Rings gay?
Is it because they cried a lot on each other's arms?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, sometimes that happens when you're about to die, too.
The fantasy science fiction author Marion Zimmer Bradley wrote that
Frodo and Sam are the most intense love described in the book.
Told you.
Yeah, but it's the kind of love me and Andrew have.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut the fuck up.
Hold up.
Back up.
First of all, the love that you and I have, pictures of my cock are in your
hallway.
Same thing as Sam and Frodo.
That's what I'm saying.
It's the love we have.
Yeah, gay.
It's not gay.
Most guys would argue it is.
Check it out, dude.
We go down to Alabama and talk about our love?
This is gay, dude.
Our love is so intense.
That little Chinese and Irish man are fucking gay, dude.
Y'all seen them Chinese, that Chinese dude, that little fucking redhead and
Chinese dude?
Them dudes is gay, dude.
They flirt all the time.
He kissed his nutsack one time on live stream.
I did, I did.
But that's not gay.
Okay.
What?
Let me just explain myself real quick.
I want to be real.
Not even in a comedy way.
All right.
And I really believe this, okay?
Okay.
I believe that you and I, our love is so intense, right?
It's on the edge of gay, but it hasn't crossed the line.
It's so close to gay, it's a million miles away.
Exactly.
I understand.
So basically what I'm saying is that if you and I went on a journey, much like
Frodo and
Sam, you're saying like a date?
No.
Well, yeah.
A date journey, however you want to say it.
Okay.
Right?
And we're having meals out in the forest.
Some call it picnics.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
I just call it second breakfast.
Second breakfast.
Yeah, right.
B2.
Yeah.
And you and I, you know what I mean?
At night, because it's cold at night.
It is.
Right?
Because we're trying to get to Mordor.
It's far away.
Yeah.
What do we do?
Get naked and hug each other.
Butt fuck.
No, we don't.
We don't butt fuck.
We don't butt fuck, dude.
We just get naked and hug.
We get naked and hug because of our body.
Body warmth.
Yeah.
And we're so comfortable with each other.
That's right.
Right?
Butt fuck.
No, we don't butt fuck.
We don't.
We sleep.
First of all.
Who's the little spoon?
No, it's who's the little spoon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
And also, could I just say this?
I'm a fucking ladle.
Yeah.
He's a little, like a little baby spoon.
Oh, so the ring is so dangerous that we wrap it around Andrew's dick.
Right?
And my butthole is the safe.
Right?
It has to turn and lock.
Yeah.
But that's not gay.
We're protecting the ring.
That's right.
No one can pull me out.
Once I'm in and locked, I can't get out.
And we sleep, right?
Golems in the tree watching us going, look at these fucking gay fucks.
Right.
Right?
But we do that, right?
We do.
And then in the morning when we go travel, we unlock.
And this.
And I do a little sigh.
Like, oh.
You know what I mean?
And then we go on our voyage again.
That's right.
Every night we do the fucking routine.
Lock the ring into the safe.
Right?
But that's not gay, dude.
That's just keeping the ring safe.
Yeah, we're keeping the safe.
I really commend you guys for keeping the ring safe.
Thank you.
Yeah, but then when we get to the fucking, when we get to the fucking Mordor.
When we arrive.
We're trying to throw it in.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
We both die.
Yeah, we both.
Because we forgot to unlock.
We just jump in together.
Yeah.
This is how we want to go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.