Name: Is Carlos Hitting on Bobby? (WATCH TILL THE END)
Uploaded: 2024-04-20T16:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Carlos Hitting on Bobby? (WATCH TILL THE END)' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Carlos Hitting on Bobby? (WATCH TILL THE END)' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-20. Transcript available.

- I gotta bring it up.
We have to stop smoking.
- You both do, I've said that twice.
- Why?
- We have to do a pact.
- You're the one that got me back on the throne.
- That's not fair to say that.
- But it's true.
- It's not true.
- It's not fair but true.
- We would go on the road and Bobby would corner me
and like hit me to give him cigarettes.
- No, you would go like this.
Before you're set, cigarette?
- No, I wouldn't.
Everyone knows that.
- And I'd be like, "Hey, you know I quit."
- I went weak.
- One won't hurt, you said one won't hurt.
- So are you genuinely saying on the show
right near right now that Jetsky got you back on cigarettes?
- That's so unfair.
- I can say this for a fact.
- That's so unfair.
- I know, I can say this for a fact.
No, but I can say that if she wasn't on the road with us,
I wouldn't be smoking now.
- Interesting.
- That's why I'm quitting.
- Yeah, yeah, so I can say that for a fact.
- He would bully me for cigarettes.
- I wasn't, no, dude, honestly, let's not be,
let's be real and tell the fans.
- It is real.
- That's so insane that you would even say that.
- It's true though.
- I had quit for two years.
- It broke my heart to give them.
- And I'm like, I'm sitting in my dressing room
and you would stick your fingers
into the door with a cigarette.
- She would do that.
- And you'd go .
- I would blow the smoke in your face,
but I didn't do that other stuff.
- So no, I'm gonna die from lung cancer
and I hope you would corner me
and be like, you're fired if you don't give me them.
Like it was a power.
- Oh my God, that's so insane
that you would even say that.
- It's true.
- It's not true, you bastard.
- And then you'd say, I can handle it.
I can handle it.
I'll just have one.
- Carlos, what do you remember?
I think he was with us in Vegas when we were outside.
- Yeah, I remember it was concerning that you were smoking
'cause I knew you quit for a while,
but I do know that Jet Ski wouldn't just like offer you shit
that she knew you quit.
- She was the supplier.
- Yeah, but he made her, he used to-
- Did you hear that?
That's the greatest thing you've ever said in your life.
She was the supplier.
- Right.
- No, it's a power dynamic issue.
- It was.
- It's not a power dynamic issue.
- It was a literal quid pro quo.
- Supplier.
- If you don't give me a cigarette,
you don't work anymore.
- Jesse, the supplier.
- Sounds right.
- It sounds pretty good.
- Yeah.
- Without supply, there's no means, correct?
- That's right.
- Right?
- Then I'm quitting and I really hope you do it with me.
- No.
- I know you won't.
- I'm lost in it now.
- I know.
- At two years.
- The mortality of lung cancer are highest in Asia
compared with Europe and USA with the incidence
and mortality rates being 34.4 and 28.1 per 100,000
respectively in East Asia.
Asians be smoking.
- Asians be smoking.
- I really, really tried to hide it from you
and not give you them, just so you know.
And I don't want to quit, but I know I have to.
- What does that mean that we get it more?
- You get it at a higher ratio per 100,000 people,
lung cancer, because many people in Asia smoke.
It's, I think, feel like it's normalized.
Where America has flipped the last decade
and made it the opposite.
They've tried to denormalize smoking.
That's why they took it out of restaurants
and around the world, tobacco products,
smoking vary in each country
among different demographic groups.
The countries with the highest prevalence
of daily smokers are Kiribati, Nauru,
and Papua New Guinea, where 35% or more
of the population smoke.
- May I ask a philosophical question?
- Yeah.
- How's today's podcast going?
- I've had a really good time.
- Me too.
- I like, you know, it's just good
to be back with the gang.
- This is the gang, right?
- And when I was in Houston alone,
I felt a little sad.
- I knew you would.
- I missed the gang a little bit.
You know what's so funny about the road at night?
- Same thing that we had.
I brought Mike Falzone down there.
You know Falzone.
And it was great.
We were writing together and stuff
and like you're writing and you're working
and I'm working on this hour.
And then at night in the hotel,
it is, there are those moments
when I'm like staring at the stuff
and going over all the shit
and re-listening to the shows
that you, I think that's the hardest part
that people don't know.
Performing, all that stuff, most fun.
Hardest part is like tinkering, retooling.
It's almost like when you build a paper airplane
when you're a kid
and the first one's fucking dog shit
and then somebody teaches you
how to do like the other flap
and you're like, whoa, how do you do that?
And then you keep doing until you,
then you start to really figure it out.
But sometimes the tinkering is,
that's the hardest shit.
Especially when you feel like it's not,
like why the fuck isn't that flying?
I don't even understand it.
- I can sell something if I know it's gonna work.
- Right.
When I'm iffy about it,
the confidence is like 50% less.
I say it, not meekly,
but I say it in a,
not in the way I would normally deliver something.
- Well, yeah, the audiences have gotten smart.
They know that you're not all the way in,
so they can feel it when you say something.
- But also the wording.
Sometimes like, oh my,
I think I fucked up the wording.
Once I know something works,
I know the beats and all that stuff,
but sometimes I'll say the setup of it
and I'll go, oh, that's completely wrong.
- Right, I feel it.
- And now when I do the funny part,
it's just gonna not make sense or,
you know what I mean, I hate it.
- But that's the tooling that's kind of the most fun.
- Yeah.
- Thailand, what is this?
Thailand passes bill to legalize same sex marriage.
So- - Finally.
- Wait a minute.
It was illegal in Thailand?
Isn't that the spot to go get Thai boys
and all have that crazy deviant fun?
- Yeah, like in one neighborhood probably.
- Wait, but in the, but it's-
- Probably in Bangkok.
- They legalize weed before same sex marriage.
- It's the first Southeast Asian nation
to guarantee the marriage rights for gay and lesbian.
- That's great, it's the beginning.
- Is that now, that just happened now?
- Yeah.
- So lady boys are chill,
but gay marriage is not chill.
- It's only fun if it's illegal.
- Jesus.
- No, no, let that sink in.
- Yeah, we'll put that on your tombstone.
- It's only fun when it's illegal.
And then as soon as illegal-
- Your honor, his last words were his,
it's only fun if it's illegal.
- Isn't that the point of that?
- Of going to Thailand?
- Of getting lady boys?
No, I think that's a lot of people that have,
that have these repressed feelings
about having sex with trans women or men
and don't want to fucking come clean about how they feel.
So they go there to be like,
well, it's, you know, it's a thing here,
but they're just afraid of how they feel.
- Underground, if they wanted to do it, you know,
out loud, they just do it here.
- No, but they don't.
- It's a thing here.
- But they're repressed.
So they go there because they feel like that's a pass.
It's like a pass.
They don't want to do it here 'cause they don't want to.
And I feel like so many people that go over there
that get lady boys, they're married.
I feel like that's married dudes go there to do that.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause if you're single, you could just do sneak it here.
If you're single, you wanted a lady boy here,
you could just get one here.
- Right, Carlos?
- Of course.
- Have you been to Bangkok, Carlos, and done that thing?
- No, I haven't.
- Would you go get a lady boy?
- No, I, I'm not.
It's like so borderline, like sex traffic-y to me
that I don't want to go over there.
- Get a lady man.
- Yeah, get a lady man.
- Get a lady man.
- Here in LA?
- No.
- I would do it in LA.
- He's like right now, tonight.
- Not a lady boy, get a lady man.
- I wouldn't go to Thailand.
- You're bisexual.
- Bobby, and you're not?
- Wow, interesting.
- No, I'm not.
- No, it's all on a spectrum,
and I think we're like on that spectrum
right next to each other.
- I'm not on the spectrum, man.
- Is Carlos hitting on Bobby?
- Yeah.
- You guys are on the spectrum.
- I did say-
- We'd be a good couple.
- I mean, I-
- Oh, no, what?
- I do-
- You do like my ass.
- Your ass is, can I say about your ass?
Probably the best ass I've had, men and women.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Your ass is-
- Yeah, man, you're not on that spectrum.
You guys are on that spectrum.
I'm driving by.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You know what? I'm cruising.
- You're cruising.
- No, let me ask-
- I'm cruising.
- Okay, have you seen his butt?
- What's going on over there?
- I mean, just in his pants, yeah.
- No, look at the bare ass.
No, here-
- All right, show it.
Go stand in the hallway there so I can see it.
- Okay.
- I'll judge.
- It's like an optical illusion.
- Turn around, stay there.
Jesse, close your eyes.
- Yeah, stay over there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, let's see, turn this way.
Bend over, spread it.
- No, don't spread it.
Please don't spread it.
- Yeah, I mean, it looks like a regular guy's butt.
- If the-
- Oh, that's good, that's good.
- Do you like that when he shakes?
- Oh, my God, I love it.
- This is what Dan Snyder did in that-
- His riding room.
- Is where his riding room.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We'll be right back, bad friends.
After these commercials-
And then we just get gacked.
Nah, you got a regular guy's butt.
I don't know, it looks like a guy's butt.
- I think that's what Bobby likes.
- Okay, anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.