Name: Bobby Has BEEF with Carlos | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2024-04-23T16:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Has BEEF with Carlos | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Has BEEF with Carlos | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-23. Transcript available.

Could you ever do like a Shiza video, you know, in Germany where they poop on
each other?
Could you ever do that?
Like a poop video?
With you.
You would?
With you, Carlos and McCollum.
Well, let me tell you why I'm out on Carlos.
Because Carlos has experienced from this past weekend.
He's a bad little naughty boy.
We'll get that in a second.
Huh?
You're out?
I'm out on you for a little while.
Oh, no.
I think you're a bad little boy.
I think you're a gross little dirty scum nugget.
You're jealous, dude.
I'm not jealous, dude.
I wouldn't have done what you did.
What you did was bottom of the barrel, scum bucket, nugget, nugget.
That is, yeah, yeah.
It was terrible.
You know what that is when you get like a six-piece nugget from McDonald's and
there's always one that you're like, oh my God.
That's you, dude.
I can't eat that.
Yeah.
What did they do to it?
Yeah.
What did you do?
What did I do?
I did nothing.
Right.
Not even going to McDonald's.
You weren't outside.
Wait, wait, wait.
First of all, I don't know what you're implying.
But I'm trying to be positive today because it is tax week.
Oh, okay.
So I'm trying to be mindful and very positive.
So clearly say you're slammed.
And you look ridiculous today.
I know.
Yeah, yeah.
But we won't even address it.
Go ahead.
What were you saying?
Well, I just heard that you had not such a great time at McDonald's.
Yeah, I opened up my nugget box and there was no nuggets.
And who told you this information?
Oh, there's only one rat in this room.
Look, Carlos.
We're just having laughs.
All right, so this is what happened.
Oh, my God.
You spread lies.
You spread rumors.
We'll have to address it.
When you came down from the elevator at like 2.30 in the morning and I'm
walking up the elevator, you were so happy to see me.
Why do you get, you know you've got some like Trumpisms on your expressions
where you go,
Yeah, I mean, I learned from the past.
I know.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Coach is king.
You're Bidenism.
Sleepy.
Yeah.
So I was coming down, you were coming up, and the reason why I smiled at you
was as if, like, if you remember that, you know, in Game of Thrones or medieval
times where they're jousting with a horse.
Yeah.
Right?
I was obviously the one that lost, right?
So I'm in the fucking armor.
Well, you're off your horse.
I'm off the horse.
You didn't get on the horse.
You barely got on the horse.
Right.
And I'm like, there's blood, and you have your little pole thing, and you're
looking down at me.
That's what that, and I would smile if we were jousting.
I see.
I was like, you got me this time.
Yeah, good game.
Good game.
Yes.
So that's what that smile was about, right?
So what happened was.
Give it up, baby.
We both met somebody that night.
I get, what time was it?
Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls.
This was about around, just about midnight is the departure from the show.
So I brought a girl up, I don't know what.
Gone.
I was sulking in the green room.
Well, you were?
I just, the show didn't go as well as I wanted.
One of the worst shows we've ever done.
I don't know was that.
It was just like something wasn't clicking.
Was it me?
I feel like it wasn't me.
It was certainly not you.
Every joke I said ate it.
That's not true.
That's actually not true.
We can all be genuine about it.
There was a guy with one leg.
The one legged guy.
He took his leg off.
It was awesome.
And then my mom was, I got a joke.
Right?
Yeah.
So he takes his leg off.
And this is about 5,000 people.
Yeah.
There's a lot of people.
Right.
So he takes his leg off and he's kind of hopping around on stage.
And I go, I want to save this joke.
Yeah.
I heard you store it.
I heard it go in your back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a penny bank.
Yeah, yeah.
Ding.
Ding.
Ding.
And then finally there was like a little gap where I go, I'll do it.
My instincts are usually right.
They're almost always right.
So I look at him and I go, you have a beautiful nub.
And silence.
It was almost as if there was no one there.
Right?
And when that happens, you smile, but your eyes show all.
Yeah, yeah.
So I did.
It was.
I laughed.
No, you did it.
Yeah, I did.
No, you have zingers.
No, no, no.
Oh, you're a zing master, dude.
But we had to smell the guys.
When you take, for those.
Oh my God, it was the worst.
Dude, for our fans that have one leg or one limb missing.
And the sleeve, he took off the thing.
And he goes, it smells pretty bad.
And we both said, like, how?
I mean, who cares?
It can't be that.
He's like, trust me, you don't want to.
And we smelled it.
I genuinely, I almost threw up.
I was vomiting.
In the booth.
Yeah.
Boop.
Boop?
The boop.
Yeah.
In his boot.
Because it was unbelievable.
Yeah, it's a little bit of B.O.
It's like B.O.
Rotten producey.
Rotten producey for sure.
And you know what else it is?
What?
Like, like.
Rotten pussy, too.
Like an old dingleberry.
Like a dingleberry that's been attached for a long time.
And it got rehydrated.
Like a little bit of water splashed on it.
Yeah.
You know, in Korea, some of the bathrooms.
By the way.
Yeah.
Whatever you're going to say, yes.
Yes.
In Korea, some of the bathrooms, right, are still a hole in the ground.
Right?
Because when my grandparents lived.
China, same thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So I remember I was a kid.
I don't know if I've ever talked about this, have I?
When I was a kid, I go, how long has this been here?
And my grandpa goes, thousand years.
A thousand years of shit.
Right?
So basically, there's a hole in the ground.
And you can look down.
And there's, it's like a well.
Of shit.
Yeah.
Right?
And I thought, my great, great, great, great grandfather's shit is down there.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Shit well.
Yeah, the bottom of that layer is what his fucking mouth closed.
It smelled like.
Just bad.
We huffed it.
Yeah.
We passed it around.
I meet a young lady.
You met a young lady, which was a good high point after the show.
And Indian, which I have to only say because.
Yeah, that guy.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
I mean, the music was enough.
I feel like.
Is that racist?
I don't think it is.
Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah, no.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
I guess it's like a trigger for you.
It's a trigger for me.
Don't go.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
When you go.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Stop.
That hurt actually.
But.
All right.
That's enough.
I won't do it anymore.
Stop.
That's enough.
Please stop.
That's comedy in threes.
Yeah, yeah.
So you met this young woman.
She was very nice and very.
And never.
Pretty.
Hooked up with a Indian woman.
I'm shocked.
You've never even had like a makeout session with an Indian girl.
So, but you, but you've hooked up with almost every other color of the rainbow.
Yeah.
No, not black.
You've never had a black girl.
Oh yeah, I have.
One.
Bob.
One.
Full or half?
St. Louis.
Full or half?
Full or half?
One hundred percent.
Yeah.
Not.
The kind that Robert De Niro would like.
You never had Indian ever.
Never.
I think it was the one.
I've had Persian.
I've been hooked up with Persian.
Yeah.
I've hooked up with Persian.
Mexico.
What's up, bro?
What's up, bro?
I've had South American.
Ooh, what?
Brazil?
Not Brazil.
Argentina, my friend.
Argentina.
Yeah.
That's that.
Argentina.
Argentina.
Brazil.
No Central Americans, by the way.
But he was, she was more like Messi.
Oh.
So she kind of looked like Andres.
No, Messi, like her vagina was like.
Oh, was her sloppy?
Yeah.
It was very dirty.
Bada gums gums gums gums gums gums gums gums gums.
Yeah.
So, so, you know, and then she just, she gets naked.
We make out a little bit, she gets naked.
She goes, I don't want to do this.
It was just, I go, I'm fine, you know, obviously.
Sure.
I'm fine.
She's like, I could just, just kind of give you a, like, a lap dance-y kind of
thing.
Oh, okay.
Well, since we're here.
Yeah.
You know, might as well.
Whilst in Niagara Falls.
Yeah, like in McDonald's, I get the nuggets.
You gotta.
Right, so it's like.
But do you ever really get the nuggets?
I don't.
That's the point.
Right.
Were you fully clothed?
I was fully clothed.
Very weird.
Very weird, right.
Why didn't you get naked?
She's naked, you're clothed?
She didn't want me to.
She said.
Because as she got naked, I was, like, doing this, and she goes, no, I, I, I'm
not feel
comfortable about this.
So she's butt naked?
And so I'm standing there, like.
Right?
And she's going, yeah, yeah, I'll give you a lap dance.
I was just going, okay, okay.
It's so weird for some one party to get naked, the other one to be like, I don't,
I don't
want you to get naked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So she does a lap dance very good.
Sure.
Then she gets clothed, and she goes, bye.
And then I walk her down.
That's nice, though.
Yeah, but then he comes up with just relief.
Like the Joker.
Like, right, right, right.
This dirty nut scum.
Nugget, Nugget, Nugget.
Right?
Nugget, right.
Went.
Well, speaking of lap dances, yeah, he went to a strip club.
Right?
Sober.
Went to a private room.
Sober.
Yeah, fine.
And tell the story then, Nugget.
I'm this girl.
Friend.
My girlfriend.
Just a bud.
Yeah.
She messaged me, and she was like, oh, you're going to be in Canada.
I'll be close to Niagara Falls.
I'll make it a work trip.
I'll go there.
Nice.
In parentheses, I'm a stripper.
Right.
And I went, oh, cool.
Her job's everywhere, I guess.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And so she can't get off work during the show.
Would you have said, oh, cool.
That's so funny.
If she was a nuclear engineer.
Of course.
So I'm going to say it.
I'm a nuclear engineer.
I'm a nuclear engineer.
What are you talking about?
I'm the girl.
Oh, okay.
Just go on.
No, no, no.
Stop.
Damn.
That's the weirdest improv.
Yeah, what are you doing?
Yeah, what is this?
It's a David Lynch improv, right?
I'm a nuclear engineer.
It just never ends.
It just never ends.
It's like repetition.
So am I.
In Miser Technique.
Yeah.
There's an exercise in Miser Technique.
It's an acting style where you repeat the word.
Yeah.
Until you hit emotions, so you say it different.
That's funny because you've literally done this a million times to Andrew,
where you've
been the wrong character in the improv scene.
Dude, Nuggy, you're begging for trouble.
Dude, it's tough tonight.
Buddy.
It's a tough day.
What are you begging for?
Are you looking for a fucking?
It's a tough day.
I don't think I did anything wrong in Niagara Falls.
You did something right.
I didn't say you did anything wrong.
We're celebrating in your victory.
Oh, okay.
Dude, you just jousted.
You jousted, dude.
He's still picking up some of his armor.
Yeah.
Be nice.
You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
You don't parade around after the joust and show off.
Yeah, you're right.
No, you help him up off the ground.
Which I did.
I'm proud of you, dude, is what I'm saying.
I'm emotional.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I like that you said she couldn't get off work like it's a fucking corporate
gig.
Like she has to go ask for PTO to not dance.
Can't you just say I'm not going to dance tonight?
Well, she got there like around four.
And I think the law is you have to dance for five hours.
The law?
There's dancer laws, dude.
What do you mean?
She had to get a permit to dance there.
It's Canada.
Well, yeah, for business.
But she could also just not dance.
Yeah, but she wanted to like be in good standings at the club.
Got it.
The guys that work there seem scary.
Really?
Yeah.
At a strip club?
They seem like shady fellows?
A lot of drakes around.
Oh.
Yeah.
So I asked her if there's a private room we can go to at the strip club.
And she goes, of course, there's a VIP room.
The champagne room, baby.
Exactly.
And those usually cost a couple hundred bucks, right?
At least, right?
No, it was 50 for 30 minutes.
It's Canada.
Yeah.
Yeah, Canada.
Jesus, Niagara Falls.
But I mean, it's not like really a private room.
There's a curtain.
Yeah.
And on the sides you can still see.
So we go there.
I spent a hundred.
We're in there the whole time.
So this was a transaction.
I didn't give it to her.
I gave it to some Asian lady who's like.
There's always an Asian lady roaming around collecting cash at strip clubs.
Why not?
I know.
It's great.
I don't even know what she does.
She was like the pimp of the VIP area.
God bless.
Yeah, we went in there.
We had some laughs and hung out.
You guys.
So what did you just chuckle about meme culture on the internet?
Or what did you guys have a laugh about?
She had run into some people that night that were at our show.
She was talking about that.
She was saying.
Let's get back.
Let's get back to brass tacks.
Just talking, huh?
We did other things.
Explain.
Please explain.
We had sex.
Ah, interesting.
Bad boy.
Very bad.
Say the other thing.
What?
Oh.
That she wants to get married now?
No.
What?
What the fuck are you talking about?
She wants to get married?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You texted me.
It was that good, huh?
I'm not going to say the other thing.
I could tell right now.
Oh, wait.
The other thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, tell us the other thing.
Oh, my God.
The thing I said at breakfast.
Yeah.
Which is what?
That I got a girl pregnant.
No.
Well, you're adding information
that we don't even need right now, dude.
You mean I murdered somebody three years ago?
I mean, come on.
Yeah, I don't want to know that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You talking about the blood
all over the front seat of my car?
That's from high school, man.
No, dude.
Yeah, dude.
What are you?
What?
What's the other thing?
I can't remember the other thing now.
Yeah, you do.
You didn't wear a condom.
Oh, that's so normal.
Of course I wouldn't remember that.
Okay.
Wow.
Okay.
Incredible.
You know, Bobby's acting like he's like,
the king of condoms.
I am the king of condoms.
He is king.
They call him king of con-dom.
Yeah, con.
When he comes into the,
he walks in and goes,
king of condom, king of condom.
Yeah.
And the people at 7-Eleven are like,
here he is, king of condom.
He gets him by the thousand pack.
I think Bobby's-
No, I just use gum.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
None of them fits.
Bubblicious?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think Bobby's making reference
to the fact that you were with a dancer
who I think you told us also plays the game.
Monopoly?
Kind of, yeah.
Kind of the Monopoly of life.
Really funny.
No, she plays the game of life.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, be careful.
I'll tell you what she does.
She plays hungry, hungry hippos,
but the little balls are dicks.
Hopping, hopping, hopping, hopping, hopping.
All right, all right, all right.