Name: The TRUTH Behind Area 51?
Uploaded: 2024-05-22T16:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The TRUTH Behind Area 51?' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The TRUTH Behind Area 51?' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-22. Transcript available.

dude imagine if you had meth back in the samurai days wow one samurai just
going crazy he'd make
a sword in like five minutes you know you should take them forever to like five
minutes yeah five
yeah yeah he would cut himself right it would turn a scab and then he would
just pull it out
and eat it because meth people okay and they're well meth people they also can
i say something
about uh was there a meth back then i don't know when was crystal meth invented
well i mean look
we had to have some form of this there had been some form floating around right
yeah chris well
there's methamphetamine has probably been around for a long time that that
chemical makeup of
methamphetamine it's all science isn't that it's all science yeah yeah i you
know if i had a time
machine i would take fentanyl hmm no just hear me out loads of it what era are
you going back to
the 17th century you're gonna go back to the 17th century what is that is that
far is that far that's
us what do you mean what how far when is it i mean there was america was still
around right
no that wasn't declaration of independence that's 1800 right no 1770 1776 i cut
i go
1776 what what an asian korean guy with a bag of fentanyl but what's from a
time what what century is
1776 the 17th century
did you go no it's not is it 20th century 18th century it's just one more up 20th
19th century
it's the 18 you already said it 18 18 18 oh the 1876 18th century am i bad
in 70 76 you're going back you said 1776 that's 17th century no no okay my bad
just zero to 99 is
one history man let me that's not history that's math anyway i show up whatever
i i did that no shut
up time machines have a button yeah so i go one seven seven six right i'm sorry
your fingers are too
fat for the machine no and i go go get the um you know what i mean flux
capacitor right to marty yeah
marty runs up okay okay boss okay boss right stick it in there get the electric
electricity is it
raining yet right it's gotta rain right it's gotta rain right i gotta bring it
to 89 you know right
put the fennel in the fennel's in now i'm right 1776 and i'm in bakersfield
doesn't exist i know but
i'm there well it's okay it's you and natives then exactly i get them hooked
first oh dude you're
doing what we did last time yeah no just doing it again but i'll hook am i
gonna get in trouble
for saying this history really does repeat itself it does yeah i'm not giving
them smallpox
something way worse yeah yeah yeah fentanyl oh that's true no i should go east
coast
boston boston okay stay in okay boston the tea party the tea party dude tea and
fentanyl we don't even
know what that combo does that's a great there should be a little shop in france
that shows
that has fentanyl and tea anyway point is you like tea with your fentanyl yeah
have green tea with your
fentanyl and then you would make a killing because they've never heard of opiates
yeah but money is
worthless then it's worth less than yeah but you get like gold teeth oh you
could get gold
they trade right gold tea the wooden leg uh-huh i'll take you want some fentanyl
give me your gold
tooth wooden leg and one of those feathery pens you can get those anywhere i
know but from you if you
went to a bank back then did their pens attached to chains have feathers on
them still
that'd be so funny if you stole one of the feathery pens yeah yeah so that's
not your feathery
pen that belongs to the bank yeah yeah you know what i thought about i would go
back in time with
heavily heavy artillery like real guns real guns before they had it back to the
goal rush days and
just rob everybody they had guns then yeah not like i'm we have i we have it i
could have an ar-15
i could have a bazooka yeah give us your goal give us your gold load it right
think about dude if we
if we could go back and rob anything or anywhere i mean obviously you'd want to
rob fort knox right
that's the ultimate goal do you know what that is of course i know what fort knox
is what century is
that one in we still have it that's right what is it it's where they put the
money that's where they put
the gold the gold bars and we know that's not true it's not true but that's in
folklore that's
where they keep alien bodies in my opinion i think fork knox is filled with uh
top secret
shit we're not supposed to get to yeah because they everyone thinks it's an
area 51. no thank
you i think it's studio 76. studio city studio 76. no today studio 54. studio
54. oh is it studio 54 where
they have the aliens yeah no is it is it no what is it area 51.
oh i always oh my god i've told i've used studio 54 in reference to aliens
before in conversations i
know thinking it's the same thing and people have been looking i remember
people going what what are
you talking about i just i'm telling you it's in arizona because it's new york
they should have
opened up a studio 51 in area 51 a coked out nightclub to see aliens dude look
at this guy's arms
you know i saw the other day on tick tock too by the way someone was dissecting
how we think
dinosaurs look a certain way and she was like i'm a biologist and she was like
this doesn't even make
sense the way that they've thought dinosaurs look or the way we draw them it's
basically skin on bone
she's like that's not that you have car there's tons of cartilage and fat and
all sorts of stuff and
muscle she was like a dinosaur is basically the shape of the bone structure
with a little bit of
um you know outlining she goes but look at your nose if you remove your nose
from your face it's
a hole so this is just all cartilage but they didn't account for like random
pieces of things
sticking off the dinosaur so she's like they didn't look anything like that oh
what you're saying is
like we've just guessed what we think that she they have big noses what did you
just say do they have
big noses there's jewish dinosaurs there was
there was you know we'll be extinct someday yeah and how do they hold the money
little hands little hands can we get in trouble no you can yeah we got cut out
yes no stacy's jewish
do you approve are you jewish stacy you approve she approves she approves she
approves see yeah it's
all in good fun it's all good fun look if there was asian dinosaurs let's do
that then if you want
to go down the line oh what do you mean by the way an asian just asian-eyed
dinosaur is so funny to me
that's such a funny and their and their nails are immaculate yeah it's so nice
when they swipe the prey yeah and they're in their hands they're like wow yeah
beautiful nails wow
asian dinosaurs we lost a couple of our employees over the weekend in vegas
getting too sick these
guys stayed out all night you should see we got them passes to the chain smokers
mccone was up next
to the stage he was wearing a mechanics uniform by the way they let him do a
nightclub he's wearing
a mechanics onesie like a one zip up mccone was yeah you know i didn't even
know that and carlos was
a good boy i didn't know that was even a chain smoker thing the chains workers
in vegas you did know
we were going to see the chain smokers we literally said it 50 times nope
everyone in the room
has proof i was in my hotel room no dude you were in the room with shay matash
and what's uh what's
the other gentleman's name that you brought oh my god that was a nut okay so i'm
gonna just say
something i apologize for may i apologize for something oh please so first of
all vegas great show
in fact i mean i don't think the mgm liked me but we can't wait to go back to
the mgm you can't you
can't wait i can't wait yeah yeah i can't go you have to wait i have to wait so
um so you know
afterwards it's our last us show you know i mean we may do more in the future
59 cities is what i
think they tallied up 59 cities it's crazy great show afterwards everyone came
out i had some friends
from vegas shema tosh who's a comedian who i used to room with in la 30 years
ago you know i mean she
came by she was rad so nice yeah she opens for carrot top she's a great
impressionist my point
being is is this okay you have your family there we have also you know who i
love the the watchmakers
family christine i talked to her for like 20 minutes well she's not a watchmaker
she sells them
just call her a watchmaker it makes it makes it better watchmaker watchmaker
make me a watch
i feel like she has one of those little things and she's in there well they
definitely have one of those
things okay okay what are those little things like that like that they you know
what they're called
what drop glops so there's a drop club yeah anyway families kids running it was
beautiful right
yeah but then a week before paulie did my friend wants to go paulie hit you up
yeah and i go all
right who's your friend i can't right beautiful woman so i'll get her backstage
right no you got her
backstage i got her backstage so as soon as i love she's a nice lady she was
very nice very nice lady
but she did something where she was like i'm gonna get here from i'm gonna i
know i'm gonna
because she has my number i'm gonna hear well let's hear it now she was just
like who does this
cocaine anyone well that's actually really polite oh that's true i mean it's
but off of your finger
fingernail or finger was there a fingernail it was like it was almost her
finger was so sweaty it was like
blotched on oh wow like it was it surrounded her pinky if she waits a couple of
minutes she's like
cracking solidifies yeah yeah and people are like oh no thanks like i've never
i don't know have you
been offered cocaine before yeah what the i've never been offered cocaine
because maybe i'm sober sober
oh that's right i mean i don't do cocaine everyone who knows me knows that but
i wouldn't
i've been offered it still from people when's the last time you did cocaine i've
never done cocaine
do you not know this my father went to prison because he had a cocaine
addiction one time you i mean
you you've known me for 15 years you have to be curious i've never done cocaine
well my dad liked
this stuff maybe i like it you know i met him he's a great guy you did when did
you own chicago yeah
great guy no no he loved cocaine he loved the he loved it you've never done
anything white in your
nose except for women oh uh in my nose yeah in my nose yeah i don't think i've
ever snorted anything
i think i mean i've eaten stuff i mean pills and all that would you you never
smoke crack
that's not snorting i don't think i've smoked crack no i'm thinking about it
well do you think
i'll tell you what i did one time like a moron what you know uh the hookahs you
know uh smoking hookah
you know how they put like the charcoal thing on there one time i smoked some
of that
like the dumbest i was like 17 years old i think i smoked i think i smoked the
charcoal nugget
so bad we didn't know how to use it what do i'm not a desert dude
so i i just want to say i had to try to get her out of it it was very polite of
her to offer cocaine
i do think if you're at a party and you have cocaine you should offer it you do
you're supposed
to it's a party it's a party drug yeah it's not a solo drug i think but you
know being a sober
guy i just can't hook up with coke people heroin feels like a solo drug oh so
she was said if she
went anybody want to tie off i've never oh yeah that'd be crazy that'd be out
of pocket would you
hold the rope if she was like you hold this if she was hot like super hot hold
the rope you know
i knew i was gonna get some action hold the line i'd hold the rope
oh yeah