Name: True Love is NOT in the Air Tonight...
Uploaded: 2024-05-24T16:00:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'True Love is NOT in the Air Tonight...' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'True Love is NOT in the Air Tonight...' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-24. Transcript available.

- I tried to play matchmaker at the comedy store
the other night, and dude, I thought it was good.
Wasn't it, didn't it seem like it was going good?
So I had cash in my pocket.
I offered them all the cash in my pocket.
- What's matchmaker?
- Fuck, what's hospitality?
What's matchmaker?
- Yeah, matchmaker, you try to match two people together.
- God bless, yeah.
- Who though?
Give me that information.
- People in the audience, I'm getting there.
- Oh, so you're in, for anyone listening.
- They get it already.
- Okay, go ahead.
- I guarantee they get it.
- Go ahead.
- Two people in the front row of the store,
and he was like a young, handsome kid.
She was a good looking chick.
And I just looked at him.
He was wearing like a weird shirt.
And then I said, who is this to you?
And then he's like, we don't know each other.
They sat us together, we're singles.
And I was like, well, let's, I mean, let's make love.
Let's like find love tonight.
Let's do it. - Was she attractive?
- They both were.
- Fantastic.
- He was in the military.
- Good.
- That face was really funny.
- No, I just. - You went like this.
Good. - No.
Don't get it wrong.
And you're reading it wrong.
- Am I?
Well then play the tape back.
- No, play the tape back and you'll see this.
What branch?
That's what that face was.
- That's not what you said.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say it again.
- He was in the military.
- What branch?
- I get it.
- Curious.
- Marine. - Could be a Navy site.
- Marine Corps.
- Beautiful.
- Yeah.
And I said to her, I said, where do you live?
She says, Orange County.
He lives in San Diego.
I said, this is right near each other.
- Yeah, right.
- And then I said, I'll give you the money
in my pocket to go on a date.
Didn't I say this?
I had a bunch of money in my pocket.
I was ready to do it.
And I said, I'm going to do this
if you're really genuinely going to go on a date.
And she went like this.
- Oh.
- And then they sat next to each other.
- Oh.
- For the rest of the show.
- Oh.
- Oh, dude.
- But then you read him wrong.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- He was, okay.
- He was into it.
- No.
- He didn't seem like she wasn't.
- I know you're not on, can I just go on real quickly?
- Our friend is not on camera and she's thumbsing me up.
- Yeah, so Stacy, could I just ask one question?
- Go ahead.
- Was he hot?
- It was hard to see, but he pulled up his shirt
and he did have--
- He had a great body.
- Great, good enough.
- But he was handsome.
He wasn't hot.
He was a handsome kid and she was good looking.
By the way, they were in the same league.
- Oh, you know about leagues.
- They were both.
- Yeah.
- You know, they both were in--
- What league am I in?
League of his own.
- Yeah, League of his own.
- Yeah, with you, there is crying in baseball.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You kind of look like Rosie O'Donnell
now that I think about it.
- Well, don't lead me to water.
- You're a fucking asshole.
- If you don't want me to drink it.
- Yeah, you're the kid from the Sandlot.
- Which one?
- The fat one.
- Oh, fuck you.
- With red hair, some kind of weird.
- He's a lawyer now, I think.
- He's married to my ex-girlfriend.
- Oh, that's right.
- Jasmine, yeah.
- Patrick Renna, right?
- Yeah.
- He's killing it.
No, that's you, that looks just like you.
- Okay.
- I'm Madonna.
- If you do this again, that'd be you and I'd be Madonna.
- Oh, if you're, okay.
- Yeah.
- Oh, they should do an Ocean's Eleven,
but like reverse and do that with that movie
and then all men.
- They did Ocean's Eleven.
It was all men.
- No, but they did a women version of that.
- Yeah, they did Ocean's, what was it?
13 or something?
- Eight.
- Eight, Ocean's Eight.
- You have to be a little less.
- Yeah, but they do all male, a remake,
a 2024 remake of A League of It's Own,
but like switch it to men.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- And make a, make a different period.
1700s, 1734, whatever we said.
- You know what you could play?
- Put some fentanyl in there.
- In a new movie?
You could be, you could play Shohei Ohtani's
little illegal gambling friend that just got in trouble.
Shohei Ohtani plays the Dodgers.
He got in trouble.
His buddy got in trouble for gambling with his money.
You could play him in the movie.
That would be, if they ever make a movie about that,
I hope you do.
And do we have any big Asian friends that are like six, four?
Who could play Shohei?
Who do we know that's like a tall Asian?
- Oh, I know.
- Who?
- Yao Ming.
- Not our, our friend, our friend.
- I know Yao Ming.
- You don't fucking know Yao Ming.
You do not, look at this.
That's him and his buddy got in trouble.
That's you a hundred percent on the right.
That is fucking you.
- That's not me, dude.
- Yeah, it is.
That's you if you were in Japan.
That is literally what you would look like
if you were Japanese.
- How did he get in trouble?
- He was gambling a fuckload of his money.
What was the total?
- It was like 45 million of his money.
- Wait, he was gambling the baseball player's money?
- Shohei's money.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Now here's the real story.
- Was Shohei drunk?
- No, no, no.
- Go ahead, I don't care.
- Yeah.
Here's the real story.
Who knows whether or not Shohei knew if he was gambling
or if he was with gambling with him
and then this guy took the fall.
- Oh, wow.
- Roughly $160,000 per bet.
That's so.
- That's insane.
- You know who was going off the rails?
You know who was betting like crazy?
- What?
- Did I talk about this already at Vegas?
Brian Baumgartner from The Office, who played Kevin.
Him and a bunch of guys were at the high roller table.
He can gamble.
That motherfucker had stacks and stacks and stacks
and stacks of chips.
He can play.
Multiple hands, you know, doing the quick thing.
It was impressive to watch and then I saw that
and then they were like, hey, come sit down.
And I was like, I'll go find the $20 table.
I wouldn't, I'm not gonna.
- Yeah.
- What the fuck?
- Yeah, I mean.
- $3,000, like dude, guys around them
were betting three to 5,000 a hand.
No.
- Yeah.
Did he make that much money on The Office?
- Yeah, Blake Griffin goes,
"Those residuals must have been real."
- Yeah, I mean.
- Yeah, he must've.
- I mean, if he was a show runner, I think maybe,
but it's like, that's a lot of fucking money, dude.
- Yeah, five grand a hand as well.
But also maybe he's, that's his shit.
Gambling might be his thing.
- But if he's good at it and he can make a profit,
then okay, well then that's his thing.
- He was killing it, I guess.
- If I go 250, 300, I'm out.
I go to bed.
- $300?
- Yeah.
- I've seen you, I saw you win one time,
you won $100 on a slot.
- Yeah.
- And that made your whole weekend.
- I know, I'm out, you know what I mean?
You're gonna lose in the longest run.
- I wanna get a Jolly Ranch or whatever and go to sleep,
you know?
- A Jolly Ranch.
- Yeah, yeah, look at his head.
So you saw him?
- Yeah, he played in the golf tournament that we played.
- Was he nice?
- He's a great guy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Great guy, great guy, great gambler.
Everybody was nice.
- I've met a couple of people from that show.
I've never met Steve Carell, have you?
I've never met him.
- I feel like I've been introduced to him one time
to say hello, but you know what I mean?
One of those like, hey, Steve, this is-
- I've never even seen him in the flesh.
- That's 'cause he's-
- I've never seen Will Ferrell in the flesh.
- I've seen him in the flesh.
I used to coach kids' soccer
and his kids would come to the soccer.
- I remember you told me that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And he would come and I was so-
On my little squad was Ryan Phillippe's kid
with what's her name?
What's wrong with me?
- Yeah.
- Reese Witherspoon.
- Wow.
- Their kid used to be in that too.
- And so you see Ryan, go, hey, Mr. Phillippe.
- No, I didn't say a fucking word.
- Oh, you were quiet.
- Stared at my shoes.
- I know, I've been there.
- I just didn't want that,
'cause I was a young nobody actor
and I didn't want to be like,
"Hey, I'm trying to be in that."
I didn't want to be there,
especially 'cause he's hot as fuck.
- Yeah, what do you know about soccer though?
- They're fucking children.
Kick it, run, go, good.
- No, no, no, no, there's like tactics.
- Not when they're-
- Your defensive midfielder.
- They're five.
- What?
- They're five.
They throw the ball-
- Right back, help out, and attack,
but then you fall back left, what do you do?
- The goalie.
- You don't know shit!
- The goalie-
- Sorry, why am I yelling?
- The goalie would be eating.
She would just be-
- Put down a sandwich!
- No, let her eat the sandwich.
- All right, all women, girls.
- Mixed, it was boys and girls.
- Doesn't make no sense.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Makes no sense.
- Have you ever seen kids play sports?
- No.
- Five-year-old kids, they throw them all together.
They let them go-
I used to be a lifeguard.
It was just kids in the pool.
Did a few of them die?
- That's why-
- Yeah, big fucking deal!
- That's why I don't have kids.
- That's not why.
It's because you like anal.
I told you you can't make kids in the pooper.
I've told you that like a hundred times.
You have too much sex with girls in the butt.
I've never-
- Ergo, you don't have kids.
- Okay.
Wow, you're using it in a sentence.
- See?
- Keep doing it.
Do it three more times throughout the rest of the podcast
and then I'll learn.
It's a beautiful thing.
But what I'm saying is that how-
- Oh.
Oh, sorry, I thought they were saying hi.
- No, no, no, no.
What I'm asking you is if I have a child, okay?
You know what?
I'm gonna be the best dad imaginable.
- Okay, will you quit doing that?
- What, I'm just-
- I didn't know what that means.
Like you're praying that he's gonna be alive or what is this?
- I just have an itch.
I'm itching my-
- Oh, I hope he's not a fucking-
- It's a nervous tick.
- Okay.
If I have a child and my son goes,
and my son goes, "Papa."
I go, "Don't call me that."
- Already, why?
- Already weird?
- Why are you being mean to the kid?
He's just saying "Papa."
- I want "Papi."
- I'm the kid, "Papa."
- Yes, Gil-Troy.
- Why did you name me Gil-Troy?
- Well, I don't know.
Shane Gillis, half, right?
And Troy Duffy, he's the director.
- Love.
- Yeah.
- And where's mama?
- Mama?
She's in Hawaii, let's leave it at that.
She's somewhere in Hawaii, let's leave it at that, son.
Yeah, Gil-Troy.
- Are you ever gonna get me another mama?
- No, yes.
- 'Cause some of the whores you bring over are gross.
- Carlos is not a whore.
- And they offer- - Carlos-
- And they offer me- - Herrera is not a whore.
- Cocaine, and I'm seven.
- Carlos offers you cocaine?
That's all you, I could never have him as a babysitter, okay?
But I would look at you, Gil-Troy, and say,
ask me if you want to play soccer.
Can I, if you guys play soccer?
- Papa?
- Papi, but Papa's fine.
- Papi?
- Okay.
- May I play soccer?
- Son, let me tell you something.
- Yes?
- He's such a polite kid.
- Yeah, he's such a sweetheart.
- He's too sweet!
- No, he's very sweet.
- He's too sweet, make him a little bit more fucked up.
- No, be nice to him.
- It's his kid.
- Oh, it's your kid.
- It's my kid.
My kid wouldn't go, "Yes, sir."
- All right, ready?
- Yeah, I'll be your kid, ready?
- All right.
- Papa!
- Yeah, Gil-Troy?
I'll be there this weekend.
- Okay, you may.
- I know I may.
You have to take me.
- Son, relax, calm down.
- No, shut up.
I want fruit roll-ups, I want sliced up fruit,
and you know what I want?
- Yeah.
- Swedish fish, only the red one.
- Okay, first of all, look at the cabinet.
Look at the storage cabinet in the kitchen, right?
We got every flavor of fish fry, fish, right?
All the things you mentioned, they're there.
Roll-ups, all of it.
- You know what, Papa?
- What, Gil?
- No hospitality in this home.
- Yeah, you don't even know that, worry.
We're not doctors.
- Ergo, fuck you, Dad.
- Yeah, we're not in Star Trek.
All right, so, you're right.
Maybe I shouldn't have one.
- No, not after that experience.
Holy shit.
You know what, you could have one.
- I'm your son.
- You are my little son.
- No, let me do it.
- Hey, buddy.
- Dada?
- Yeah, what's going on?
- Yeah, what's going on?
- It burns.
- What burns, little guy?
- My heart.
- Your heart burns?
Why does it burn?
- And in the left lung area.
- Oh, wow.
That's pretty specific.
- Yeah, and it's like a pinching.
It popped.
- Oh, it hurt?
Are you having a heart attack?
- Oh, you just had some gas.
- Yeah, I got you, Daddy.
- Oh, you're funny.
- Right?
- You're funny.
- I'm good, huh?
- And then I go in the other room.
- Yeah.
- To my wife.
- Yeah.
- We got to return that.
That Chinese kid to be adopted.
We got to get rid of that guy.
It's not working out.
He feels like he's Bobby's kid.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Don't, would you--
- What's wrong with the kid's soccer thing
that you were hung up on?
They, yeah, they play unisex.
- Here's what I'm hung up about, okay?
- What?
- Okay, so it's like my son would know, right?
- Knowing the Arsenal code.
- Gooner code.
- Yeah, the Gooner code, okay.
He would know about the Emirates.
He would know about Arteta.
He would know about the players, formations.
What are, what, first of all,
Arsenal's like Barcelona, we're tiki-tac.
Tiki-tac football.
Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass.
- What does it have to do with kids
playing with other kids?
- What I'm saying is my son,
if he's gonna play anything,
we're gonna bring him to, he's gotta be good.
- But at five years old,
he's just gonna be thrown on the field.
He's not gonna know.
Because let me say something,
Bukayo Saka was from the Arsenal Youth Academy.
He was 11 when they found him.
So, but he started at five.
So at five, you can see.
- He was a miracle.
- You're a miracle, all right?
I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I mean, that's a compliment.
- But I want my kid to be the best at whatever he does.
- But you don't want him to play soccer with other people?
- I would call around.
- Also, DNA has something to do with that, too.
- Yeah, it's gotta come from you.
God, it's, it's, you know, you know, it's, it's funny.
It's funny.
You know, by you saying DNA is basically saying,
you're fat, Bobby.
- No.
- No.
- That's what you're saying.
You're a fat, sloth-like, lazy creature.
You know what I mean?
Who barely, you don't even walk, you slither.
- Holy shit.
- You slither through my mind.
- You slither through my mind.
- Oh my God.
- You slither like a snail.
You fucking abomination.
And let me say something.
I come from, everyone listen here now.
- Good stock.
Real good stock.
My dad was very athletic.
My brother's athletic.
Was ranked number three in the, four in the nation
as a wrestler my brother was in high school.
- Google that.
- No, don't Google it.
I just made that up.
Don't do this.
- Don't do that.
- Don't do facts.
- Don't do not facts.
- We're in comedy.
I make shit up all the time.
- Yeah, but you're taking the stances
if you're being serious.
- That's true.
So what I'm saying is, is that I want my kid just to,
I would call around LA County and go,
what's the best young male soccer league?
- And you'd get him in that.
- And I would see if he was a,
if he doesn't have the skills or the ability,
then I would go like, oh, let's just go to the local place.
- What if your dad, let's say your kid says to you,
Papa?
- Gilroy?
- I don't want to play soccer.
- Okay, well, what do you want to do?
- I want to be a cheerleader.
I want to, I want to be a male cheerleader.
- Okay, Gilroy?
- Yeah?
- We'll do your room for a second.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And then what I, and then I'm on my couch and I,
- I put my head up the planet.
I'm like this motherfucker, I swear to fucking God.
Okay, fuck, anyway, knock, knock, knock, knock.
- Hey, Papa.
- Can I come in, Gilroy?
- Come on in.
- All right, I come in.
Oh my God, what's all with the glitter?
- Yeah.
You want some?
- Ow, my eyes again.
Wow, anyway, anyway, there's so many unicorns in this room.
- Look at all the pictures of the boys on my wall.
Those are all cheerleader boys.
- Ah, okay, you want to be a cheerleader?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'll make some phone calls.
- Thanks, Papa.
- And I call Justin Martindale.
I don't know where to go.
I would call a gay friend that I don't know,
I don't know where to go.
- I would call Fortune Feimster.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Fortune, you know anything about cheerleading?
- No.
- She's like, "Hell no."
- Oh yeah, hell no, yeah, yeah.
- It was a no.
- Yeah, what would you, like, what if-
- Daddy?
- Yes, yes, son.
Yes, Marcus.
- Thank you for naming me Marcus.
- You got it, kiddo.
What do you want, Marcus?
- I'm not done talking.
Why do you always interrupt me?
- Marcus, speed it up.
- Daddy, I just want to be able to express myself and get it out.
- What do you want to do?
- Anyway, Daddy.
- Yeah, Marcus.
- You know, I just, I really like killing small things.
Like, I go in the forest, and I see a little squirrel,
and I take scissors, I like to chop his head off while it's alive,
because I can see it wiggle in my hand, you know what I mean?
- And then I just, like, squeeze it, and I drink the-
I love it so much, and I like to do the bones.
I like the bones of these little creatures, Daddy,
and I like to make little skeleton creatures out of them myself,
and then I destroy them myself, you know?
I love it.
Hail Satan, Daddy!
Hail Satan!
- Go to your room.
- Okay, Daddy.
You mean my coven?
- Go to your coven.
- I'll go to my coven, all right?
And then I'm gonna go inside my little fucking-
- And then you go to your room,
and then I go lay in bed with my wife, your mom.
- Yeah.
- And I turn to-
- Oh, you're gonna go lay in bed with again?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What would you do?
- She's reading a book.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I turn to her, and I say,
I think we got a winner on her.
- Really?
Wow.
Because sometimes, sometimes you can't control it.
I've seen it on TikTok.
- You can't control what your kids do?
- Yeah, you can't control,
no matter how good you are as a person,
no matter what values and ethics
that you relate to them, right?
Sometimes God gives you cray cray.
- Sometimes God makes a serial killer.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

True Love is NOT in the Air Tonight...

- I tried to play matchmaker at the comedy store
the other night, and dude, I thought it was good.
Wasn't it, didn't it seem like it was going good?
So I had cash in my pocket.
I offered them all the cash in my pocket.
- What's matchmaker?
- Fuck, what's hospitality?
What's matchmaker?
- Yeah, matchmaker, you try to match two people together.
- God bless, yeah.
- Who though?
Give me that information.
- People in the audience, I'm getting there.
- Oh, so you're in, for anyone listening.
- They get it already.
- Okay, go ahead.
- I guarantee they get it.
- Go ahead.
- Two people in the front row of the store,
and he was like a young, handsome kid.
She was a good looking chick.
And I just looked at him.
He was wearing like a weird shirt.
And then I said, who is this to you?
And then he's like, we don't know each other.
They sat us together, we're singles.
And I was like, well, let's, I mean, let's make love.
Let's like find love tonight.
Let's do it. - Was she attractive?
- They both were.
- Fantastic.
- He was in the military.
- Good.
- That face was really funny.
- No, I just. - You went like this.
Good. - No.
Don't get it wrong.
And you're reading it wrong.
- Am I?
Well then play the tape back.
- No, play the tape back and you'll see this.
What branch?
That's what that face was.
- That's not what you said.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say it again.
- He was in the military.
- What branch?
- I get it.
- Curious.
- Marine. - Could be a Navy site.
- Marine Corps.
- Beautiful.
- Yeah.
And I said to her, I said, where do you live?
She says, Orange County.
He lives in San Diego.
I said, this is right near each other.
- Yeah, right.
- And then I said, I'll give you the money
in my pocket to go on a date.
Didn't I say this?
I had a bunch of money in my pocket.
I was ready to do it.
And I said, I'm going to do this
if you're really genuinely going to go on a date.
And she went like this.
- Oh.
- And then they sat next to each other.
- Oh.
- For the rest of the show.
- Oh.
- Oh, dude.
- But then you read him wrong.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- He was, okay.
- He was into it.
- No.
- He didn't seem like she wasn't.
- I know you're not on, can I just go on real quickly?
- Our friend is not on camera and she's thumbsing me up.
- Yeah, so Stacy, could I just ask one question?
- Go ahead.
- Was he hot?
- It was hard to see, but he pulled up his shirt
and he did have--
- He had a great body.
- Great, good enough.
- But he was handsome.
He wasn't hot.
He was a handsome kid and she was good looking.
By the way, they were in the same league.
- Oh, you know about leagues.
- They were both.
- Yeah.
- You know, they both were in--
- What league am I in?
League of his own.
- Yeah, League of his own.
- Yeah, with you, there is crying in baseball.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You kind of look like Rosie O'Donnell
now that I think about it.
- Well, don't lead me to water.
- You're a fucking asshole.
- If you don't want me to drink it.
- Yeah, you're the kid from the Sandlot.
- Which one?
- The fat one.
- Oh, fuck you.
- With red hair, some kind of weird.
- He's a lawyer now, I think.
- He's married to my ex-girlfriend.
- Oh, that's right.
- Jasmine, yeah.
- Patrick Renna, right?
- Yeah.
- He's killing it.
No, that's you, that looks just like you.
- Okay.
- I'm Madonna.
- If you do this again, that'd be you and I'd be Madonna.
- Oh, if you're, okay.
- Yeah.
- Oh, they should do an Ocean's Eleven,
but like reverse and do that with that movie
and then all men.
- They did Ocean's Eleven.
It was all men.
- No, but they did a women version of that.
- Yeah, they did Ocean's, what was it?
13 or something?
- Eight.
- Eight, Ocean's Eight.
- You have to be a little less.
- Yeah, but they do all male, a remake,
a 2024 remake of A League of It's Own,
but like switch it to men.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- And make a, make a different period.
1700s, 1734, whatever we said.
- You know what you could play?
- Put some fentanyl in there.
- In a new movie?
You could be, you could play Shohei Ohtani's
little illegal gambling friend that just got in trouble.
Shohei Ohtani plays the Dodgers.
He got in trouble.
His buddy got in trouble for gambling with his money.
You could play him in the movie.
That would be, if they ever make a movie about that,
I hope you do.
And do we have any big Asian friends that are like six, four?
Who could play Shohei?
Who do we know that's like a tall Asian?
- Oh, I know.
- Who?
- Yao Ming.
- Not our, our friend, our friend.
- I know Yao Ming.
- You don't fucking know Yao Ming.
You do not, look at this.
That's him and his buddy got in trouble.
That's you a hundred percent on the right.
That is fucking you.
- That's not me, dude.
- Yeah, it is.
That's you if you were in Japan.
That is literally what you would look like
if you were Japanese.
- How did he get in trouble?
- He was gambling a fuckload of his money.
What was the total?
- It was like 45 million of his money.
- Wait, he was gambling the baseball player's money?
- Shohei's money.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Now here's the real story.
- Was Shohei drunk?
- No, no, no.
- Go ahead, I don't care.
- Yeah.
Here's the real story.
Who knows whether or not Shohei knew if he was gambling
or if he was with gambling with him
and then this guy took the fall.
- Oh, wow.
- Roughly $160,000 per bet.
That's so.
- That's insane.
- You know who was going off the rails?
You know who was betting like crazy?
- What?
- Did I talk about this already at Vegas?
Brian Baumgartner from The Office, who played Kevin.
Him and a bunch of guys were at the high roller table.
He can gamble.
That motherfucker had stacks and stacks and stacks
and stacks of chips.
He can play.
Multiple hands, you know, doing the quick thing.
It was impressive to watch and then I saw that
and then they were like, hey, come sit down.
And I was like, I'll go find the $20 table.
I wouldn't, I'm not gonna.
- Yeah.
- What the fuck?
- Yeah, I mean.
- $3,000, like dude, guys around them
were betting three to 5,000 a hand.
No.
- Yeah.
Did he make that much money on The Office?
- Yeah, Blake Griffin goes,
"Those residuals must have been real."
- Yeah, I mean.
- Yeah, he must've.
- I mean, if he was a show runner, I think maybe,
but it's like, that's a lot of fucking money, dude.
- Yeah, five grand a hand as well.
But also maybe he's, that's his shit.
Gambling might be his thing.
- But if he's good at it and he can make a profit,
then okay, well then that's his thing.
- He was killing it, I guess.
- If I go 250, 300, I'm out.
I go to bed.
- $300?
- Yeah.
- I've seen you, I saw you win one time,
you won $100 on a slot.
- Yeah.
- And that made your whole weekend.
- I know, I'm out, you know what I mean?
You're gonna lose in the longest run.
- I wanna get a Jolly Ranch or whatever and go to sleep,
you know?
- A Jolly Ranch.
- Yeah, yeah, look at his head.
So you saw him?
- Yeah, he played in the golf tournament that we played.
- Was he nice?
- He's a great guy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Great guy, great guy, great gambler.
Everybody was nice.
- I've met a couple of people from that show.
I've never met Steve Carell, have you?
I've never met him.
- I feel like I've been introduced to him one time
to say hello, but you know what I mean?
One of those like, hey, Steve, this is-
- I've never even seen him in the flesh.
- That's 'cause he's-
- I've never seen Will Ferrell in the flesh.
- I've seen him in the flesh.
I used to coach kids' soccer
and his kids would come to the soccer.
- I remember you told me that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And he would come and I was so-
On my little squad was Ryan Phillippe's kid
with what's her name?
What's wrong with me?
- Yeah.
- Reese Witherspoon.
- Wow.
- Their kid used to be in that too.
- And so you see Ryan, go, hey, Mr. Phillippe.
- No, I didn't say a fucking word.
- Oh, you were quiet.
- Stared at my shoes.
- I know, I've been there.
- I just didn't want that,
'cause I was a young nobody actor
and I didn't want to be like,
"Hey, I'm trying to be in that."
I didn't want to be there,
especially 'cause he's hot as fuck.
- Yeah, what do you know about soccer though?
- They're fucking children.
Kick it, run, go, good.
- No, no, no, no, there's like tactics.
- Not when they're-
- Your defensive midfielder.
- They're five.
- What?
- They're five.
They throw the ball-
- Right back, help out, and attack,
but then you fall back left, what do you do?
- The goalie.
- You don't know shit!
- The goalie-
- Sorry, why am I yelling?
- The goalie would be eating.
She would just be-
- Put down a sandwich!
- No, let her eat the sandwich.
- All right, all women, girls.
- Mixed, it was boys and girls.
- Doesn't make no sense.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Makes no sense.
- Have you ever seen kids play sports?
- No.
- Five-year-old kids, they throw them all together.
They let them go-
I used to be a lifeguard.
It was just kids in the pool.
Did a few of them die?
- That's why-
- Yeah, big fucking deal!
- That's why I don't have kids.
- That's not why.
It's because you like anal.
I told you you can't make kids in the pooper.
I've told you that like a hundred times.
You have too much sex with girls in the butt.
I've never-
- Ergo, you don't have kids.
- Okay.
Wow, you're using it in a sentence.
- See?
- Keep doing it.
Do it three more times throughout the rest of the podcast
and then I'll learn.
It's a beautiful thing.
But what I'm saying is that how-
- Oh.
Oh, sorry, I thought they were saying hi.
- No, no, no, no.
What I'm asking you is if I have a child, okay?
You know what?
I'm gonna be the best dad imaginable.
- Okay, will you quit doing that?
- What, I'm just-
- I didn't know what that means.
Like you're praying that he's gonna be alive or what is this?
- I just have an itch.
I'm itching my-
- Oh, I hope he's not a fucking-
- It's a nervous tick.
- Okay.
If I have a child and my son goes,
and my son goes, "Papa."
I go, "Don't call me that."
- Already, why?
- Already weird?
- Why are you being mean to the kid?
He's just saying "Papa."
- I want "Papi."
- I'm the kid, "Papa."
- Yes, Gil-Troy.
- Why did you name me Gil-Troy?
- Well, I don't know.
Shane Gillis, half, right?
And Troy Duffy, he's the director.
- Love.
- Yeah.
- And where's mama?
- Mama?
She's in Hawaii, let's leave it at that.
She's somewhere in Hawaii, let's leave it at that, son.
Yeah, Gil-Troy.
- Are you ever gonna get me another mama?
- No, yes.
- 'Cause some of the whores you bring over are gross.
- Carlos is not a whore.
- And they offer- - Carlos-
- And they offer me- - Herrera is not a whore.
- Cocaine, and I'm seven.
- Carlos offers you cocaine?
That's all you, I could never have him as a babysitter, okay?
But I would look at you, Gil-Troy, and say,
ask me if you want to play soccer.
Can I, if you guys play soccer?
- Papa?
- Papi, but Papa's fine.
- Papi?
- Okay.
- May I play soccer?
- Son, let me tell you something.
- Yes?
- He's such a polite kid.
- Yeah, he's such a sweetheart.
- He's too sweet!
- No, he's very sweet.
- He's too sweet, make him a little bit more fucked up.
- No, be nice to him.
- It's his kid.
- Oh, it's your kid.
- It's my kid.
My kid wouldn't go, "Yes, sir."
- All right, ready?
- Yeah, I'll be your kid, ready?
- All right.
- Papa!
- Yeah, Gil-Troy?
I'll be there this weekend.
- Okay, you may.
- I know I may.
You have to take me.
- Son, relax, calm down.
- No, shut up.
I want fruit roll-ups, I want sliced up fruit,
and you know what I want?
- Yeah.
- Swedish fish, only the red one.
- Okay, first of all, look at the cabinet.
Look at the storage cabinet in the kitchen, right?
We got every flavor of fish fry, fish, right?
All the things you mentioned, they're there.
Roll-ups, all of it.
- You know what, Papa?
- What, Gil?
- No hospitality in this home.
- Yeah, you don't even know that, worry.
We're not doctors.
- Ergo, fuck you, Dad.
- Yeah, we're not in Star Trek.
All right, so, you're right.
Maybe I shouldn't have one.
- No, not after that experience.
Holy shit.
You know what, you could have one.
- I'm your son.
- You are my little son.
- N