Name: Bobby Lee FALLS ON HIS FACE and Needs Stitches!?
Uploaded: 2024-07-16T15:00:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee FALLS ON HIS FACE and Needs Stitches!?' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee FALLS ON HIS FACE and Needs Stitches!?' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-16. Transcript available.

Look at your dumb lip.
Show your lip to the people.
It's healed now a little bit.
Whoa, you know what that looks like?
A nasty disease.
It was nasty, dude.
It was gross.
If I hit my head in a certain way, I could have died.
And you smile now.
This is what I don't like about this show.
And this is what I don't like about all of you guys, right?
Dude, you mock me.
When I had the earthquake and I hit my head, you did the same thing.
It was a little bump, dude.
Did you get stitches, dog?
What?
I almost knocked out my eye.
I did it, dude.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you watch your tone, dude.
That's insane.
It's way too much.
What I'm going to say to you is this.
What were you dreaming about when you fell out of the bunk?
I didn't fall out of the bunk, dude.
You listened to my story, dude.
Yeah.
Listen to the story, dude.
All right?
Follow along, my friend.
Also, I have some things I want to say about certain people.
You know, people won't.
Anyway, what I want to say is this, okay?
Is I do the show.
I'm in Savannah, Georgia.
How about the, this is fully loaded.
I'm doing the fully loaded thing.
Right.
I'm in Savannah, Georgia with Bert and everybody, right?
Went up.
It was okay.
Fun.
You did great.
We heard.
I killed it.
We heard.
I killed.
We heard.
Great night with my friends backstage.
Then there's a little powwow.
You know, you know I love powwow.
You're a big powwow guy.
I'm a powwow guy, dude.
Because I'm from Poway.
Yeah?
You know what I mean?
So we really love it.
And we go, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah.
That's what you do in a powwow.
That is.
Yeah, yeah.
We're on a campfire.
There's always a campfire.
And there's stories being told.
Do you smoke opium?
No.
I'm sober now.
Okay.
Yeah, back in the day, though, we used to do that in the powwow.
That's real powwow.
And suck dick.
Oh.
Yeah, opium and dick and then vice versa.
They go hand in hand.
Exactly.
So then I go, all right, so what bus am I on?
And they're like, the last one, which is the fourth bus.
With who?
Big J and-
No, I don't even get that bus.
Who was on your bus?
I didn't even know.
That's how bad my bus was.
You were with the crew.
No, I wasn't with the crew.
I was with-
You were with the riggers and stuff?
No.
That's racist.
I'm sorry.
You were with the riggers and stuff?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you, yeah.
We'd be rigging.
Yeah, we'd be rigging.
So anyway, what happened was I, no, what's his, Cisco, the sound, what's his
name?
The thong song guy, Cisco?
Yeah, the thong song, Cisco.
No, what's his name?
Oh, Cypher Sound.
Cypher Sound.
So he texted me.
You know this, right?
Right.
He was like, your boy, your boy is not happy with me.
And I was like, why?
What happened?
Because you texted me.
I'll tell you.
Well, yeah, what happened?
May I tell you?
Yeah, what happened?
All right, so it's two in the morning, and when I get on the bus, Kelsey Cook's,
you know what
I mean, obviously, bottom bunk.
She's awesome.
Her boyfriend, very funny guy.
Chad Daniels.
Chad Daniels.
Both so funny.
But they're like, we got bottom bunk.
We've already established.
Well, yeah, they're a couple.
They get priority.
But they're not in the same bunk.
They're separate bunks.
You can't sleep in there with another person.
You barely fit in there.
I know.
My point is, then why do they both get bottom bunk?
What does it matter?
Because they want to pull the curtain back and have a little chit chat at night.
What about up and down?
That's even better.
You can, you have to look down.
Oh, that's true.
That's true.
Okay.
Anyway.
And by the way, when you're across, they can sneak, scurry across, and then scurry
back.
Disgusting.
Okay.
Anyway, so I go, so where am I?
They're like, that top bunk.
Dump bunk.
So I got to take all the shit off.
And then there's no mattress.
Right.
I go, where's the mattress?
Oh, yeah, we took it out so we can put the stuff on.
So I go, where is it?
You know, we had to put it in there.
Right.
And then the pillow and the sheets smelled like Tony Hinchcliffe.
Because he slept in it.
It's misery, dude.
It's camping.
The worst kind of camping.
Once the pony's in there.
Right.
That's my stable.
So I'm sitting there, and I decide I'm going to watch Battlestar Galactica from
season one.
Nice.
Okay.
I'm watching.
Then I drift.
You know how I dream.
You be drifting.
I drift.
I dream.
And I fantasize.
Revenge fantasies.
You know, all the TikTokers I'm going to kill.
You know how it does.
Yeah.
And then around two in the morning, I go, you know how one does pee?
Most do.
One does.
All do.
Sometimes.
That's right.
All the time.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So me, I'm like, should I wait?
You know how you're in a sleep?
You're like, you contemplate.
You wake up because of the pee, and you're like, can I sleep through this?
Right.
But then it builds like a dam.
It's bubbling.
You're bubbling, dude.
Good to see you, man.
Good to see you.
And I go, I go to the bathroom.
So I open the curtain.
It's pitch black.
What's so funny?
Let me guess.
You forgot.
Don't say riga again.
Once I say pitch black, you can't say riga.
I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You forgot you were on the top bunk.
I didn't forget.
Okay.
Yeah, I know where I'm at.
That's not how, I'm not confused.
Watching you swing your little legs over the top bunk and dangle them.
Yeah.
It's like the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.
I know.
It's just your little, two little legs.
Exactly.
Kicking in the air.
I shouldn't be up there.
You'd have no business.
Did they get you a ladder?
Should have put a little ladder up there.
No, no ladder.
So what happened?
So I scoot my little legs over.
It's pitch black.
In my mind, I'm like, how do I get down?
Right?
And I said, this is a way.
You reach over to the other side and put your hand on the edge of the other
bunk that's across the hall.
So I reach and I go, there's no edge.
And I fall.
Yeah.
And my head hits the edge.
Hilarious.
My head gets knocked back.
I fall to the ground and I'm knocked out.
You know what I mean?
I don't know what the fuck.
And then this pain in my mouth.
I thought I lost teeth.
And I open up and I'm drenched in blood.
So I take off my shirt and I put it on my face and then I go into the first
half of the bus.
And I go to the bus driver and I go, hey, I got knocked unconscious and I think
I need to go to the hospital.
It won't stop bleeding my lips.
And he goes, five hours away, bud.
What am I going to do?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Five hours away, bud.
You can't just sit there five hours away.
I go, okay.
Like, I don't want to.
Also, it's my first day on the tour.
Right.
My bus trip goes to the hospital.
Then all the other buses.
I don't know how it works.
But there's a group text.
And I text.
I go, you know, SOS.
Oh, I'll show you.
I'll show you the text later.
So, anyway, I text everybody.
So, everyone's on the text.
Atal.
But then also Leanne Kreischer, Bert's wife.
Everyone's on it.
And I take a photo of my mouth and I go, I don't know what to do.
I'm bleeding profusely.
Profusely?
You got it.
Yeah.
And I'm in so much pain and I just don't know what to do.
Can somebody help me?
Nobody helps me.
No one responded?
They're all asleep.
It's three in the morning.
Oh, right.
We're on the bus going to West Palm.
Or do you fall?
Chad or?
No, no, no.
And, you know, they don't like me.
Yes, they do.
But I'll tell you what pissed me off now.
Here we go.
All right?
Cypher sound.
Cypher.
I'm sitting in their blood-drenched shirt.
Okay?
He's awake.
He walks out like he just came out of a fucking, you know what I mean?
Rave.
I don't know.
That's not, I don't know.
It's a totally funny.
Try it again.
We'll edit.
Oh, shit.
All right.
He walks out and comes out of like a smokehouse crack.
A crack house.
A smokehouse crack.
It's just crack house.
No, that's even worse.
A smokehouse crack?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, it's not even a house.
It's a crack.
It's much more serious, a smokehouse crack.
It's so fucking serious.
Because a crack house is one thing, but if you're in a smokehouse crack, you're
in trouble.
It's insane.
That's bad.
Yeah, and so his assistant or his buddy.
His buddy.
God rest this kid's soul.
He dead?
He's dead?
No.
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
Thank you.
You can't God rest someone's soul.
No, I didn't say that.
I said, thank you so much, God, for putting him in my life.
This kid had come out like maybe a half an hour before Sypha and sat with me.
He goes, you know what?
I'll stay awake and I'll sit with you.
That's very nice.
Until we get to West Palm.
Because you didn't want to go to sleep in case you-
I died.
In case you die.
Sypha comes out.
He goes, hey, I'm going to go pee.
And I go, he goes pee, comes out.
He goes, I go, I got knocked unconscious.
I don't know what to do.
And he goes, I'm tired, man.
And he went back.
That's all he-
It pissed me off.
But what could he have done?
Stay up with me.
He was tired.
Dude.
He told you.
There's blood everywhere.
I have no shirt on.
I would have stayed up.
But the relationship is different.
You don't even know Sypha.
You called him something else.
You don't even know his name.
Because I didn't memorize it because of the thing that he did.
Oh, you knew it before and you forgot it.
I only memorize if I know that he's going to be in my life.
That's right.
There's not a lot of room up here.
You know that, right?
I know.
There's like only three-
Like the new girl.
What's her name?
I forgot.
Wait a minute.
Let's honestly guess.
Heidi.
She looks like Heidi to me.
What's the letter of your first name?
D.
Deanna.
Whoa.
It's D?
I was way off mentally.
Deanna?
No.
Dee Dee.
Diana.
Did I just said that?
Dork.
Dork.
Dumb dumb.
Dork us.
Anyway, forget it.
Whatever.
So there's not a lot of room here.
So I didn't memorize it.
Anyway, we get to West Palm.
I haven't slept.
Blood is gushing out of my mouth.
I had to get nine stitches.
No.
Nine?
Yeah.
That's so many.
It went all the way to the bottom, dude.
Wow.
Yeah.
And then as soon as the bus, and thank God for Leanne.
She's the greatest person on earth.
One of the best.
She runs to the bus, grabs me.
Panicked, I'm sure.
Panicked.
Yeah.
See, we got to go to the hospital now.
We got to go.
You know what I mean?
She's number one.
She got somebody, you know what I mean?
And then, you know, they called the paramedics.
It was the whole fucking nine yards.
Wow.
And then I went to the hospital.
Some Chinese man, you know, did it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It was the best.
Dude, the Chinese are the best at it.
The stitcher was Chinese?
The whole thing was Chinese.
Everyone, you were in China?
We were at a Chinese restaurant.
Oh, wow.
It was called, yeah, P.F. Chang's.
No, no, we.
You just get some duck and get some stitches?
No, because we didn't go to the hospital.
We went to like a clinic.
Oh, right.
So I go in there, and there's a black lady there.
Yeah, excuse me.
What was that?
Was that her?
Or was that the Chinese guy?
That wasn't the Chinese guy.
Well, I can't tell anymore.
My impressions?
Yeah.
It's not good.
What, she had an attitude because of you?
No, that's rude.
I was trying to make it comedic.
But did she have an attitude?
No, she didn't.
She goes, can I help you?
That's very nice.
That's better.
Right.
And that's more real.
But was there a white person in there with an attitude?
No, they were all black.
And I go, yeah.
And she goes, nah, we can't do that.
We don't do that here because in the mouth, right,
you might have to go to the hospital.
But then the Chinese doctor came out,
and he looks at me and he goes,
no, we do it now.
Whoa.
Like, you do it now?
We do it now.
We don't know.
He goes, we don't know how, but we do it now.
If you weren't Asian, do you think he would have helped you?
No.
If it was me, he would have turned everything around.
Hospital.
Hospital.
Yeah, gone.
And then, I swear, this is not a lie, all right?
They had to, like, move things around
and then look for things.
That's not a good sign.
Yeah, I know it wasn't,
but I'm like, he's doing it for me.
It wasn't readily available?
No, no.
She's like, well, that's, you know what I mean,
the sutures and all that stuff.
Yeah, with the pad.
They're, like, looking at things, right?
They don't know.
They're, like, scrambling on.
They're bringing chairs in
that aren't supposed to, you know what I mean?
Right.
And then she's, like, he's, like,
there's no apparatus.
He goes to the lady and she goes,
he goes, open him out, right?
So she opens my mouth, keep it still.
So she's, like, doing this with her fingers, right?
And he's, like, just doing it, like,
I call it the first blood style.
First blood.
Remember the first blood?
When he falls off the fucking cliff?
That's you.
That was me, dude.
Wait, did he, are these disappearing stitches
or do they take them back out?
They're disappearing.
They're the ones that mold into you.
They mold in?
Well, they go into your skin, right?
Don't they dissolve into your skin?
Yeah, they dissolve in the skin.
Yeah, yeah.
But what does that really mean?
Is that, you think there's.
I'm a scarecrow.
Could that be another?
I'm a scarecrow.
Is that another vaccine?
Oh, maybe.
They can actually dissolve by being absorbed
by the body as wound heals.
But I just don't trust him.
Oh, yeah.
Because it was a Chinese guy at the dinner, right?
It couldn't, you know what it was?
Bamboo, probably.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah.
It was fucking bamboo, dude.
You think he helped you because you were Asian?
100%.
If you weren't Asian, he'd have sent you away.
Go, go, yeah.
What if you were a black guy?
Because the black girl was in front.
No.
He wouldn't even give me a suggestion, I don't think.
The black girl would be like.
Yeah, yeah, bleed to death.
Put some cussing on it.
Yeah.
Bleed to death.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
But he looked at me and he was like,
I'm going to help this guy.
He felt like he had to do it for the motherland.
Right.
So then I go, you know what?
All right.
So I get the stitches and they're like,
well, what about the show tonight?
I go, I think I can do it.
But I haven't slept all day.
I've just been bleeding into my shirt.
So I'm going to go to a hotel, right?
And I slept for like seven hours.
Wow.
I wake up and I couldn't talk.
Right.
You're swollen.
I'm swollen and there's so much pain.
Because I'm in AA and stuff,
I can't take any medication for it.
Right.
Except for ibuprofen.
And I just call them and I go,
this is, I can't do this.
I'm so sorry.
And they're like, we understand.
What did it sound like?
I can't do the show.
Like that.
Yeah.
Anyway, so they go,
so I just took a flight back to LA.
You came home immediately.
I came home and I just spent like five days alone just weathering through it.
Have you been, yeah, you seem like you were upset when we talked.
Well, I was upset.
Here's the thing.
I'm grateful that I didn't hit my head, you know, like, you know what I mean?
Like if I hit my forehead, I think it would have been way worse.
Yeah, you'd have been like Carlos.
Yeah.
And I don't want to be like Carlos.
Nobody does.
That's insane, dude.
You have a good body.
Thanks, bro.
But I don't have that.
So I would have just your mind.
Your body.
With my body and it doesn't work.
It's endgame.
I get that.
Yeah, so no offense.
And none taken?
None taken.
Okay, good.
None taken?
Yeah.
We're good at this point.
Okay, good.
Take some.
Yeah.
Take some.
I secretly took some.
Take one, leave some for others.
Yeah, leave some for others.
Yeah, leave some.
Leave some for the other people.
Did you hold your pee this whole time?
All right, dude, it's not like I was bleeding in my shorts.
I'm like, I got to hold the pee, too.
It's like, no, I went to pee.
That's what you were thinking about the whole time I was telling the story?
Like, when's the pee happened?
Yeah, when is the pee?
That's insane.
It's true.
Did you pee at any point?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, it's like watching a movie.
You just assume, like, I just saw Planet of the Kingdom of the Apes, right?
Yeah.
Right.
There's no shit scene, but you just assume that the monkeys are shitting
somewhere.
I would like to see that.
I would love to see a shit scene.
Why are they not?
Why are they not showing that?
Yeah, they don't show that.
Because the ones that throw the shit, that's always fun.
I'd love to see that.
Yeah, you weaponize it.
Yes.
Weaponize your poo.
So anyway, yeah, any movie.
When's the last time you saw a movie and they go, oh, that's a good shit scene?
Never.
Not one movie you can tell me.
Unless it's a comedy.
Oh, yeah, I know.
There's no, Dumb and Dumber.
Dumb and Dumber.
That's the only one where he can't flush the toilet.
I assumed that in Pulp Fiction.
Yeah, Travolta.
Right?
I assume he was shitting because he took long enough.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
And the Pop-Tarts came up.
So that's a good scene.
Yeah.
Let's think of another really like powerful one.
Trainspotting.
Yeah.
Trainspotting.
Very good.
Oh, I know one.
What?
But I don't think he was shitting.
It doesn't matter.
It's just a good bathroom.
All right.
So it was the guy, the lawyer in Jurassic Park.
Yeah.
Oh, so good.
He runs to the fucking porta potty like a coward.
Leaves the kids there.
Yeah.
It's just they're trembling.
And then there's fucking the T-Rex just blow.
It's a great scene.
They split him up half, right?
They split him in half.
Yeah, bit him in half.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Something about Mary.
Such a good bathroom scene when he zips his beans over the Frank.
But rarely in a drama or a suspense or like a, it's always in comedy.
It's never in like a serious movie.
Well, because Daniel Day-Lewis is not going to poop on camera unless it's a
vital part of the story.
I would love to see Abe Lincoln poo though.
What is he thinking when he's pooping?
Three scores, four scores.
How many scores?
It depends on how many drops.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He just hears like bloop, bloop, bloop.
Yeah, yeah.
Four scores.
I mean, that's how he came up with that.
Four scores.
Yeah, yeah.
*outro music*

Bobby Lee FALLS ON HIS FACE and Needs Stitches!?

Look at your dumb lip.
Show your lip to the people.
It's healed now a little bit.
Whoa, you know what that looks like?
A nasty disease.
It was nasty, dude.
It was gross.
If I hit my head in a certain way, I could have died.
And you smile now.
This is what I don't like about this show.
And this is what I don't like about all of you guys, right?
Dude, you mock me.
When I had the earthquake and I hit my head, you did the same thing.
It was a little bump, dude.
Did you get stitches, dog?
What?
I almost knocked out my eye.
I did it, dude.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you watch your tone, dude.
That's insane.
It's way too much.
What I'm going to say to you is this.
What were you dreaming about when you fell out of the bunk?
I didn't fall out of the bunk, dude.
You listened to my story, dude.
Yeah.
Listen to the story, dude.
All right?
Follow along, my friend.
Also, I have some things I want to say about certain people.
You know, people won't.
Anyway, what I want to say is this, okay?
Is I do the show.
I'm in Savannah, Georgia.
How about the, this is fully loaded.
I'm doing the fully loaded thing.
Right.
I'm in Savannah, Georgia with Bert and everybody, right?
Went up.
It was okay.
Fun.
You did great.
We heard.
I killed it.
We heard.
I killed.
We heard.
Great night with my friends backstage.
Then there's a little powwow.
You know, you know I love powwow.
You're a big powwow guy.
I'm a powwow guy, dude.
Because I'm from Poway.
Yeah?
You know what I mean?
So we really love it.
And we go, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah.
That's what you do in a powwow.
That is.
Yeah, yeah.
We're on a campfire.
There's always a campfire.
And there's stories being told.
Do you smoke opium?
No.
I'm sober now.
Okay.
Yeah, back in the day, though, we used to do that in the powwow.
That's real powwow.
And suck dick.
Oh.
Yeah, opium and dick and then vice versa.
They go hand in hand.
Exactly.
So then I go, all right, so what bus am I on?
And they're like, the last one, which is the fourth bus.
With who?
Big J and-
No, I don't even get that bus.
Who was on your bus?
I didn't even know.
That's how bad my bus was.
You were with the crew.
No, I wasn't with the crew.
I was with-
You were with the riggers and stuff?
No.
That's racist.
I'm sorry.
You were with the riggers and stuff?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you, yeah.
We'd be rigging.
Yeah, we'd be rigging.
So anyway, what happened was I, no, what's his, Cisco, the sound, what's his
name?
The thong song guy, Cisco?
Yeah, the thong song, Cisco.
No, what's his name?
Oh, Cypher Sound.
Cypher Sound.
So he texted me.
You know this, right?
Right.
He was like, your boy, your boy is not happy with me.
And I was like, why?
What happened?
Because you texted me.
I'll tell you.
Well, yeah, what happened?
May I tell you?
Yeah, what happened?
All right, so it's two in the morning, and when I get on the bus, Kelsey Cook's,
you know what
I mean, obviously, bottom bunk.
She's awesome.
Her boyfriend, very funny guy.
Chad Daniels.
Chad Daniels.
Both so funny.
But they're like, we got bottom bunk.
We've already established.
Well, yeah, they're a couple.
They get priority.
But they're not in the same bunk.
They're separate bunks.
You can't sleep in there with another person.
You barely fit in there.
I know.
My point is, then why do they both get bottom bunk?
What does it matter?
Because they want to pull the curtain back and have a little chit chat at night.
What about up and down?
That's even better.
You can, you have to look down.
Oh, that's true.
That's true.
Okay.
Anyway.
And by the way, when you're across, they can sneak, scurry across, and then scurry
back.
Disgusting.
Okay.
Anyway, so I go, so where am I?
They're like, that top bunk.
Dump bunk.
So I got to take all the shit off.
And then there's no mattress.
Right.
I go, where's the mattress?
Oh, yeah, we took it out so we can put the stuff on.
So I go, where is it?
You know, we had to put it in there.
Right.
And then the pillow and the sheets smelled like Tony Hinchcliffe.
Because he slept in it.
It's misery, dude.
It's camping.
The worst kind of camping.
Once the pony's in there.
Right.
That's my stable.
So I'm sitting there, and I decide I'm going to watch Battlestar Galactica from
season one.
Nice.
Okay.
I'm watching.
Then I drift.
You know how I dream.
You be drifting.
I drift.
I dream.
And I fantasize.
Revenge fantasies.
You know, all the TikTokers I'm going to kill.
You know how it does.
Yeah.
And then around two in the morning, I go, you know how one does pee?
Most do.
One does.
All do.
Sometimes.
That's right.
All the time.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So me, I'm like, should I wait?
You know how you're in a sleep?
You're like, you contemplate.
You wake up because of the pee, and you're like, can I sleep through this?
Right.
But then it builds like a dam.
It's bubbling.
You're bubbling, dude.
Good to see you, man.
Good to see you.
And I go, I go to the bathroom.
So I open the curtain.
It's pitch black.
What's so funny?
Let me guess.
You forgot.
Don't say riga again.
Once I say pitch black, you can't say riga.
I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You forgot you were on the top bunk.
I didn't forget.
Okay.
Yeah, I know where I'm at.
That's not how, I'm not confused.
Watching you swing your little legs over the top bunk and dangle them.
Yeah.
It's like the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.
I know.
It's just your little, two little legs.
Exactly.
Kicking in the air.
I shouldn't be up there.
You'd have no business.
Did they get you a ladder?
Should have put a little ladder up there.
No, no ladder.
So what happened?
So I scoot my little legs over.
It's pitch black.
In my mind, I'm like, how do I get down?
Right?
And I said, this is a way.
You reach over to the other side and put your hand on the edge of the other
bunk that's across the hall.
So I reach and I go, there's no edge.
And I fall.
Yeah.
And my head hits the edge.
Hilarious.
My head gets knocked back.
I fall to the ground and I'm knocked out.
You know what I mean?
I don't know what the fuck.
And then this pain in my mouth.
I thought I lost teeth.
And I open up and I'm drenched in blood.
So I take off my shirt and I put it on my face and then I go into the first
half of the bus.
And I go to the bus driver and I go, hey, I got knocked unconscious and I think
I need to go to the hospital.
It won't stop bleeding my lips.
And he goes, five hours away, bud.
What am I going to do?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Five hours away, bud.
You can't just sit there five hours away.
I go, okay.
Like, I don't want to.
Also, it's my first day on the tour.
Right.
My bus trip goes to the hospital.
Then all the other buses.
I don't know how it works.
But there's a group text.
And I text.
I go, you know, SOS.
Oh, I'll show you.
I'll show you the text later.
So, anyway, I text everybody.
So, everyone's on the text.
Atal.
But then also Leanne Kreischer, Bert's wife.
Everyone's on it.
And I take a photo of my mouth and I go, I don't know what to do.
I'm bleeding profusely.
Profusely?
You got it.
Yeah.
And I'm in so much pain and I just don't know what to do.
Can somebody help me?
Nobody helps me.
No one responded?
They're all asleep.
It's three in the morning.
Oh, right.
We're on the bus going to West Palm.
Or do you fall?
Chad or?
No, no, no.
And, you know, they don't like me.
Yes, they do.
But I'll tell you what pissed me off now.
Here we go.
All right?
Cypher sound.
Cypher.
I'm sitting in their blood-drenched shirt.
Okay?
He's awake.
He walks out like he just came out of a fucking, you know what I mean?
Rave.
I don't know.
That's not, I don't know.
It's a totally funny.
Try it again.
We'll edit.
Oh, shit.
All right.
He walks out and comes out of like a smokehouse crack.
A crack house.
A smokehouse crack.
It's just crack house.
No, that's even worse.
A smokehouse crack?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, it's not even a house.
It's a crack.
It's much more serious, a smokehouse crack.
It's so fucking serious.
Because a crack house is one thing, but if you're in a smokehouse crack, you're
in trouble.
It's insane.
That's bad.
Yeah, and so his assistant or his buddy.
His buddy.
God rest this kid's soul.
He dead?
He's dead?
No.
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
Thank you.
You can't God rest someone's soul.
No, I didn't say that.
I said, thank you so much, God, for putting him in my life.
This kid had come out like maybe a half an hour before Sypha and sat with me.
He goes, you know what?
I'll stay awake and I'll sit with you.
That's very nice.
Until we get to West Palm.
Because you didn't want to go to sleep in case you-
I died.
In case you die.
Sypha comes out.
He goes, hey, I'm going to go pee.
And I go, he goes pee, comes out.
He goes, I go, I got knocked unconscious.
I don't know what to do.
And he goes, I'm tired, man.
And he went back.
That's all he-
It pissed me off.
But what could he have done?
Stay up with me.
He was tired.
Dude.
He told you.
There's blood everywhere.
I have no shirt on.
I would have stayed up.
But the relationship is different.
You don't even know Sypha.
You called him something else.
You don't even know his name.
Because I didn't memorize it because of the thing that he did.
Oh, you knew it before and you forgot it.
I only memorize if I know that he's going to be in my life.
That's right.
There's not a lot of room up here.
You know that, right?
I know.
There's like only three-
Like the new girl.
What's her name?
I forgot.
Wait a minute.
Let's honestly guess.
Heidi.
She looks like Heidi to me.
What's the letter of your first name?
D.
Deanna.
Whoa.
It's D?
I was way off mentally.
Deanna?
No.
Dee Dee.
Diana.
Did I just said that?
Dork.
Dork.
Dumb dumb.
Dork us.
Anyway, forget it.
Whatever.
So there's not a lot of room here.
So I didn't memorize it.
Anyway, we get to West Palm.
I haven't slept.
Blood is gushing out of my mouth.
I had to get nine stitches.
No.
Nine?
Yeah.
That's so many.
It went all the way to the bottom, dude.
Wow.
Yeah.
And then as soon as the bus, and thank God for Leanne.
She's the greatest person on earth.
One of the best.
She runs to the bus, grabs me.
Panicked, I'm sure.
Panicked.
Yeah.
See, we got to go to the hospital now.
We got to go.
You know what I mean?
She's number one.
She got somebody, you know what I mean?
And then, you know, they called the paramedics.
It was the whole fucking nine yards.
Wow.
And then I went to the hospital.
Some Chinese man, you know, did it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It was the best.
Dude, the Chinese are the best at it.
The stitcher was Chinese?
The whole thing was Chinese.
Everyone, you were in China?
We were at a Chinese restaurant.
Oh, wow.
It was called, yeah, P.F. Chang's.
No, no, we.
You just get some duck and get some stitches?
No, because we didn't go to the hospital.
We went to like a clinic.
Oh, right.
So I go in there, and there's a black lady there.
Yeah, excuse me.
What was that?
Was that her?
Or was that the Chinese guy?
That wasn't the Chinese guy.
Well, I can't tell anymore.
My impressions?
Yeah.
It's not good.
What, she had an attitude because of you?
No, that's rude.
I was trying to make it comedic.
But did she have an attitude?
No, she didn't.
She goes, can I help you?
That's very nice.
That's better.
Right.
And that's more real.
But was there a white person in there with an attitude?
No, they were all black.
And I go, yeah.
And she goes, nah, we can't do that.
We don't do that here because in the mouth, right,
you might have to go to the hospital.
But then the Chinese doctor came out,
and he looks at me and he goes,
no, we do it now.
Whoa.
Like, you do it now?
We do it now.
We don't know.
He goes, we don't know how, but we do it now.
If you weren't Asian, do you think he would have helped you?
No.
If it was me, he would have turned everything around.
Hospital.
Hospital.
Yeah, gone.
And then, I swear, this is not a lie, all right?
They had to, like, move things around
and then look for things.
That's not a good sign.
Yeah, I know it wasn't,
but I'm like, he's doing it for