Name: One-Handed Barista | Bad Friends Clips
Uploaded: 2024-08-17T16:27:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'One-Handed Barista | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'One-Handed Barista | Bad Friends Clips' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-17. Transcript available.

Let me read you this poem, though, real quick.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes,
arrives in time to eat the mayfly.
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I'm also the grass snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
I am the arms merchant selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself in the ocean after being by a sea pirate.
I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
Wow.
What are you looking up?
What is that?
He goes, wow.
Oh, I saw something wild.
What did you see wild?
I was at a coffee shop, and the gentleman making the coffee had one,
he had two arms but only one hand, and it was-
Wait, wait, let me stop.
You know me, I need visual position.
He had two arms.
So two arms, and what?
One hand, one hand was missing.
Very good.
Yeah, he had a, yeah.
Okay, the hand's missing, okay.
And I didn't notice it until he handed me my coffee.
With obviously the nub hand.
Yeah, but the nub was inside my coffee.
And he moved it like that.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, got all over the place.
Yeah, no, I assume it was the one with the grip.
No, like a chess piece.
He went, your move.
Right.
Your move.
Oh, it's like a rook.
He goes, rook to pawn.
Rook to pawn.
Yeah, rook to pawn.
Latte, rook to pawn.
I see.
No, but he had one hand, and honestly, I'm not mocking him at all.
He was unbelievably fast, doing the orders, taking the thing.
And it was so quick, and I thought, how is it, no fingers?
I mean, he, I mean, look.
Yeah, yeah.
Move things around like that.
Well, I mean, let's say there's a coffee cup right here, right?
If it spills, most of the time it's going to spill.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Most of the time it's going to spill.
And maybe the nub is more sensitive.
It had one of, you know, the coffee sleeve you put on the outside of a cup?
He had that on his nub.
Yeah.
You know, here's what I don't like.
You know, here's what I don't like.
That's very funny.
You know what I don't like?
When they have a nub, but only two fingers.
Oh, get those right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like, you know, just commit to one.
You know what I would do every time?
If I did have a nub, every time, like this, like that rock.
If I had a nub, I'd be like, yo, throw me that rock.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, toss to me.
Ah, fuck.
I would do it with the nub hand.
I'd try to go for it with the nub hand.
And people would laugh.
Yeah, because it's a good bit.
Right.
Like, dude, you know, you got to give yourself a little bit.
Right, right, right.
Like, I don't think he said anything about it, because...
But if I'm him, you know what I mean?
What?
No, I don't.
I would make a joke about it.
Yeah, dude.
You know, you'd have to say something.
Yeah, yeah.
He's like, what kind of milk?
What kind of milk do you want?
What?
I want milk.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do you want anything inside of it?
Vanilla?
Here's what I don't want inside of it.
What?
Your nub.
I think it'll taste funny.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I just don't want nub in my coffee.
You're rubbing my nub the wrong way, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, rub it for good luck, for real.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
You'd have to pound everyone.
You'd have to...
Oh, you know what would be cool if you had the one hand missing,
and you saw another guy with the one hand...
You probably from across the restaurant go...
And they go, right?
Like, we're late.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, by the way, did I over-tip the guy with the nub?
Yes, you did.
Under-tip.
He need half as much.
Right.
Yeah.
No, I over-tipped him.
I put 20 bucks.
You always do.
I put 20 bucks in the thing.
Yeah.
But he's not...
It's not like...
You know what I mean?
No, I don't.
I'm a sucker.
I felt bad, but it's like I shouldn't feel bad.
I'm a sucker for burn victims.
Will you see them all the time?
Are they burn victims?
You see them a lot?
Yeah.
When's the last time you saw a burn victim?
Pahrump.
Pahrump, Nevada.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's where they keep them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I saw one burn victim in Pahrump.
You go to Pahrump.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I almost did yesterday?
Here you go.
On the way to the store, I almost went to Carnie's,
and it's been years since I've had a hot dog at Carnie's.
Love at that place.
I know I should go.
I don't know.
When's the last time you had a hot dog?
Yeah.
When's the last time you had a hot dog?
Three days ago from Dog House.
You eat hot dogs that often?
I love hot dogs.
Dude, let me say something about hot dogs.
Wait, what?
You eat hot dogs more than-
Dude, that's why I always purposely go to Chicago airport.
For the hot dogs.
Because I need a Chicago dog.
Me too, but it's a very special occasion.
You're eating a midweek.
You're eating like a hot dog on a Wednesday?
Yeah.
That's insane to me.
Dude, I love them hot dogs.
And I've been really getting into Smashburgers as of late, but I love Dog House.
That's nice.
But always something bad happens at Dog House.
You know why?
You know why?
Why?
Why?
Because Dog House is where I found out that my dad was dying.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
And you still go back?
Yeah.
I was in the Burbank Dog House.
I remember sitting there.
I didn't even eat my meal.
You left the dog.
Yeah, I left two dogs.
Two dogs.
And tater tots.
I got it.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm, puppy.
Yeah, and I go, yeah, daddy.
And I go, oh, fuck.
Every time I go to a Dog House, something bad kind of happens ever since then.
You think about your dad.
Yeah, maybe that's what it is.
That's so sad.
Yeah, it's very sad.
We should go.
Make it a happy-
We should go to Dog House and do something for your dad.
You want to do that?
I would love to do that.
Yeah, yeah.
Why have his ashes?
Maybe sprinkle some on there?
On a dog?
Yeah, yeah.
Bring him to Spirit Radio.
See if he's there.
We should bring the Spirit Radio to the Dog House.
See if we can contact your father through hot dogs.
Yeah, please.
Did your dad like hot dogs?
Hated them.
That's why.
He fucking hated them.
Yeah, maybe he hated them.
Right.
You know, I was-
This lady goes, I saw the Rolling Stones last weekend, and they were great.
And she showed me a video.
What the fuck?
How?
The Stones?
Yeah.
How are they still doing it?
Yeah, Mick Jagger just going out and still-
I mean, how is he doing that?
He's killing it.
He's probably in the best shape ever.
He's 80.
But it's amazing Keith Richards is alive because-
Yeah.
He smoked, what, a pack of Marlboro's every day for like 30 years or whatever?
Yeah.
And he's still up there.
It's proof that it's all bullshit.
It's an accident.
Delaney's young.
She might die tomorrow.
Right.
Who knows?
You could live to be 96 years old.
I know.
Chances are actually higher that you'll outlive.
In fact, I read a study that says some people that exercise too regularly have
a higher risk
of dying because stress that exercise puts on your body.
It does.
Exercise has stress.
There are stress-related things that goes to your heart.
Yeah, like my organs don't move much.
They don't need to move.
Yeah, maybe they're being preserved in my body.
Yeah, you're pickling yourself.
Yeah, I'm pickling my own body.
That's great.
Heavy stress from-
Like people who usually live, look, working out's obviously good for you, but
people who
live a lifestyle that work out often tends to be the same kind of personality
traits of
people that lose sleep because they're overworking.
Some people die from drinking water.
Never.
Well, if you drink too much.
Yeah.
There was one girl that did it one time.
That's what I'm talking about.
What's that?
The girl that died from drinking.
What did she drink?
Like eight gallons of water?
No, there was a college kid who took Molly and he got scared.
He kept drinking water and died.
That's how you die on Molly.
You think you're dehydrated.
Indiana woman dies from drinking too much water.
I wonder what the first sign is of pain.
A dizziness.
They say dizziness and you start to get headache, real bad headache.
And then you drink more water thinking that'll help your headache.
Interesting.
That is crazy, man.
It's like when somebody's on a reality show alone or naked and afraid.
Yeah.
They can't eat right away.
No.
They're like, I'm going to get a fucking Philly cheese.
That would kill you.
Well, they throw up usually.
Your stomach has shrunk by that point.
But you could die maybe even.
What would you, what's the first thing you would eat?
Peanut.
A peanut?
Like if I'm like on a show like alone, like, okay, give me a peanut first.
I don't want to die.
I don't overwhelm my system.
One peanut?
Shifts in electrolyte levels can cause serious complications, including
seizures, heart failure,
and comas.
If you just got off the show, you and I did naked and afraid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
We're done.
They're like anywhere you want to go.
Anything you want to eat.
You don't go to right to fucking Barcelona and go to a restaurant.
No, you have to go to a camp.
They have doctors and stuff that observe your body.
I know.
I'm saying the first meal you have when you get home.
But this is right when I'm off the show or when I go home?
Let's pretend that it is for the sake of-
Are we going home together?
You and I?
Yeah.
We're going out to eat together.
Okay.
So we would probably go to, what restaurant would we go to?
Mastro's.
I would want steak, I'd want steak, potatoes, vegetables, salad.
I'd want a fucking little-
Bone marrow.
I would slurp up some bone marrow.
And that bacon, that crack bacon.
I want crack bacon.
Crack bacon, yeah, yeah.
Sugar crack bacon, baby.
And then I would get fucking-
Seafood tower.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you know what we get?
Caviar.
Mm-hmm.
With creme fraiche.
Right on your nipples, I'll lick them off.
You really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It doesn't even have to be creme fraiche for me.
It could be your-
My creme fraiche?
Yeah, yeah.
My creme.
Dude, I would literally probably do that if I was starving.
You're hungry enough.
Yeah, yeah.
If I had some, like, caviar-
But I'd make you watch me cook, you know?
What do you mean?
I'd stand right there while I'm cooking.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, anyway.
If you're going to eat the chef's meals.
And the chef's got a taste, you know, he has to spoon his own.
That's enough.
I don't think bread would be good, would it?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, like a whole sourdough bread.
Dude, we went out to dinner a couple nights ago.
I ate a whole-
You know when they bring out the bread basket?
I ate the whole thing to myself.
Oh, I love bread baskets.
Fucking housed it.
Housed it.
Yeah.
My wife was like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
I was like, we didn't eat lunch.
I'm hungry.
Sometimes there's sticks in there.
Oh, yeah.
You like when they do that?
I'll eat the sticks.
I don't like the sticks.
You don't like the bread sticks?
I like the warm, like, bready bread.
You like the pretzel bread.
That's what you like.
How do you know that?
That's my favorite.
How do you know that about me?
Because we eat together.
That's right.
I love the pretzel bread.
Yeah.
I love pretzel buns on, like, hot dogs.
You know who has it?
I don't care what you say.
Wienerschnitzel.
Yeah, yeah.
I know you like that.
Chicago dog with a pretzel bun.
That's it, dude.
Wienerschnitz.
I'll tell you my glorious day of eating.
A perfect day of eating for breakfast.
Like we said, baked beans.
Pussy.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Of course, pussy.
Yeah, yeah.
Baked beans.
That's my second breakfast.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your perfect breakfast is baked beans.
Spam, rice, egg, and kimchi.
Done.
Lunch.
Chicago dog with a pretzel bun.
Tater tots with some sort of spicy, like, dip.
Oh, yeah.
Of some sort of...
Spicy mayo.
Yeah.
Dinner.
Now, here we go.
Here we go.
I don't know.
That's what I mean.
I don't know.
There's so many options.
Too many.
Yeah.
The Chicago Cubs have invited me to throw out the first pitch and sing the
seventh,
inning stretch in Chicago.
No.
September 6th against the New York Yankees.
Wow.
Yeah.
Congratulations, dude.
I would love for you to be there.
I can't.
Okay.
That's fine.
I will not be there.
Fine.
I'm going to watch you pitch.
Are you in your mind?
You'll come out with me.
No, I'm not going out there, dude.
Come on.
They're not going to know me.
You'll be the catcher.
I'll be the pitcher, just like in real life.
Gay sex joke.
Congratulations.
That's a huge thing, dude.
I can't wait, man.
They reached out and they said they would love for me to do it.
So I'm going to throw out the first pitch.
So you and I, here's what I want to do.
I need to warm up.
Will you do?
I'll do it.
Will you warm me up?
I'll warm you up, dude.
Okay.
So congratulations.
You want to watch me warm up on Patreon, you got to watch me and Bobby are
going to go.
In honor of Brody Stevens, we'll go to a cage in, what is it?
Huh?
Sepulveda?
We'll go to one of those cages up north in the valley somewhere where he used
to throw.
Congratulations.
That's a huge thing.
Yes!
Santino!
Yeah.
I'm going to get to throw out the first pitch and sing the seventh inning
stretch, which I can't wait.
It's funny how you don't think your friend is big, but they are.
You don't think I'm so mean.
No, you know, no, you, I mean, you don't look at me like I'm just your friend,
Bob.
You don't think of like what, you know.
I don't think of you like a famous guy.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I seem to.
Yeah.
Same to you.
Same to you too.
But you, but you know, I, yeah, it takes you out of, it's just weird.
Well, I.
When you see like, I'll see like, you know, Nikki Glaser on something and I go,
oh shit.
Yeah.
Well, she's on everything.
Yeah.
Or any of your friends.
Well, you watch a movie and go, oh fuck.
That guy's in the, oh yeah.
That's my friend.
He's in a movie.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
I'm tired guys.
Heads up.
I mean, it's, he ran around all fucking day.
The guy had shit to do all fucking day.
I did.
He had to go to a fucking meeting, go to a podcast.
He had to go return a motorcycle.
He had to go meet, he had to go meet someone at his old house.
He had to meet someone at his new house.
Then he had to run back across town and do errands.
And then on top of that, he had to take a couple of meeting phone calls about
writing
projects he's involved in.
Dude, the guy's been working all fucking day.
You know what Andrew had to do?
Andrew was very busy too, guys.
You know?
All day.
You got to wake up, hang out with his fucking Hollywood friends at the golf
studio, playing
golf, do a couple of tees, right?
Everything I named I did today.
Everything I named I did today.
I did the same thing too.
You didn't do shit.
You woke up and you didn't do shit.
No, I didn't.
Fuck you.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm tired.
Suck my fucking dick.
Shut the fuck up.
You don't do shit.
Shut the fuck up.
Okay?
Back to the old days.
We're going back to the beginning of Bad Friends.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
You don't do shit.
You know what?
Sleep all fucking day.
I'll tell you this then.
You contribute goose, goose egg.
Your lips are so dry and blending into your face that I can't even tell that
there is
lips, okay?
Get your shit together.
Get some lips.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And your two little bump teeth coming out, dude.
You're hitting it hard.
What are you, a beaver?
You're hitting it hard.
You're a beaver, dude.
Yeah, dude.
You know what I mean?
You're hitting it hard today.
You want some wood?
Make a dam.
Whatever they do.
You know what I mean?
This is good.
Clog it up, dude.
Clog up the river, dude.
This is good.
You piece of...
Hey, what are you wearing?
Oh, yeah?
You know what he's wearing?
What John Travolta was wearing after the murder at Pulp Fiction, remember?
Shut the fuck up.
Get your foot together, dude.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, my God.
Your legs, too?
Anyway, it's out of control, dude.
Don't fuck around, dude.
You ready to get started?
Don't fuck.
Shut the fuck up.
Tell me what to do.
See, this is what I know when he's not good.
Fat fuck.
Oh, because I'm morbidly obese?
I put my fucking weight and my height in a fucking app thing and said I was
morbidly obese.
You're going to tease me like that?
You're going to tease me like that?