Name: Bobby Lee DESTROYS Bert Kreischer
Uploaded: 2024-09-17T17:02:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee DESTROYS Bert Kreischer' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee DESTROYS Bert Kreischer' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-17. Transcript available.

- I would be insufferable as a boyfriend.
Like if Leanne passed away and I started dating,
there's no-- - Well, just divorce
could have been a thing. - No.
- Okay. - Yeah, well, why go to death right up front?
- There's no plan on us getting divorced.
If she died, that's the only reason
I'd start dating other people.
- Really? That's the only way?
- We're never gonna get divorced.
- What if she goes, "Um, I'm--" - I'd kill her.
- Wait, let me finish!
Oh, all right, so I'm-- - I'm gonna make a drink.
- Hey, Bert.
- This is already stressing me out.
- Yeah, so Bert, I just wanna let you know--
- You're not doing a good accent.
- Hey, Bert.
- There you go, there you go.
- Hey, Bert. - Hi, Bert.
- Hey, Bert.
Hey, Bert.
Hey, Bert.
Yeah, we have wonderful kids.
We have wonderful kids, and you give me a great laugh, right?
But I'm gonna tell you right now, man, I'm into the ladies,
and I just think that right now--
- I'd be cool.
I'd go, "Just keep dating ladies, we're gonna stay married."
- But that gives you the green light to go with other girls?
- No, I probably--
- Whatever you want.
- Okay, I discussed this-- - Start a Freudian.
Start a Freudian.
It's not a Freudian.
Freudian slip, okay, go ahead.
- This is why, like, I was just talking to someone
about this the other day.
Might have been my daughters.
My daughters asked my body count the other day.
- What is your body count? - Six.
- This year? - No, my whole life.
- Holy-- six your whole life?
- Yeah, my whole life.
- Oh, my-- you're like a Christian.
Dude, you're like a Mormon or something.
This is insane. Six.
- No, I don't know who I was just telling this to,
but, like, I definitely--
the problem is, I was just ba--
I was not-- the first time I did it, it was really bad.
Who was I just telling this to?
And it was really bad, and so, after that,
like, just-- I didn't perform well.
I came fast.
My dick wasn't even in her inner.
It was between her butt cheek and the bed,
and then it was, like, it was such a nightmare
that I was so, like--
I remember getting into the bathroom
after it was done, looking in the mirror,
and so it was so humiliating.
And then even, like, my next two times were so still--
just not-- I wasn't good at it,
and I thought I'd be good at it.
It's like saying, like, it's like being like--
- You're good, you're good. - No, now I've gotten better.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But I was not.
- But are you sure? - I'm sure.
No, because that's what Leigh-Anne says.
No, no, no. Now I'm good.
Yeah, but Leigh-Anne could be lying to you.
- You could-- - Oh, she probably is.
- But then you're not good. - No, yeah, maybe I'm not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm telling you you're not good.
- It's the reason, like, people that don't-- - I want to say you're not good.
People that don't sing karaoke--
- Yeah, yeah. - They sing karaoke for a reason.
- Yeah. - So I don't fuck other people
for the same reason people don't sing karaoke.
- Do you lock eyes? - Dude, I was--
- Okay. Tell me about that. - No.
- Like, I didn't even talk during sex.
Like, I was silent.
Like Helen Keller.
- You'd moan like her?
- I'd freak out, just...
- And then someone would come in and go... - Wow, that's not good, that's not
good.
- Bread, bread. - Yeah.
- Feel the air bouncing off my hand, Helen.
- Yeah, wow.
- You know, there should be a statistic, right?
And I don't know if this is a fact.
I don't think they have a statistic for this.
But I believe that for fat Asian guys in America, right?
I think I have the biggest body count.
- Oh, what's your body count? - I can't tell you.
- What are you talking about?
When did you start keeping secrets?
Me and you are open fucking books, Bobby.
- Oh, okay.
I don't know.
I literally don't know.
- You had to ballpark it.
- Like, let's just ballpark it in Asian countries, okay?
Are you China, where it's like so big,
you can't wrap your head around it?
- No, no, no.
- Okay, are you Japan, where you're just...
- Well, you can't compare it with a Chinese guy in China
because it's like, I feel like it's easier.
- What do you mean? Oh.
- Like, if I was a Chinese guy in China,
it'd be easier to get gross.
My point is, but coming to America,
being a fat Asian guy and getting white chicks
and Mexican, all this, it's harder.
- That's the fucking key. That's really difficult.
- And I feel like I have the highest body count, I think.
- It's easier when you pay, though.
- Wait, are you talking about your body count?
- You know what, I'm trying to come here
with positivity, dude, right?
And your little jokes, dude, right?
I'm gonna let them slide today.
- I wish I had paid for sex.
- You've never done it?
- No. - Okay.
- I wish I had. I look back and I go,
I'm bummed I never did.
- Yeah, I don't know.
It's better to have, you know, when you get free roaming.
- What's the same reason, what?
- Free roaming.
You know what I mean? Like, in the wild.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, it's more challenging.
It's like, you know, paying for sex is like, you know,
killing a cow at a barn.
You know what I mean? Like, he's enclosed and trapped.
It's easier.
- Yeah, obviously, yeah.
- I mean, I don't know if there's cows in the wild.
- I think the analogy is shooting fish in a barrel,
not killing a cow in a barn.
- Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
- You can't just apply that to any fucking animal.
- But I try to come up with my own analogy.
- It's like hunting horses.
All you need is an apple and a gun.
- All right. Oh yeah, it's fish in the barrel.
- Fish in the barrel.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I wish I had paid for sex.
The same reason that I'm glad I went skydiving.
Like, I'd never do it again,
but I'm glad I had the experience once.
- Yeah, I would never do that.
- You would never go skydiving?
- No, no.
- Bungie jumping?
- I would do it with Henry Cavill.
- Oh, Superman?
- Yeah.
- I think his name's Cavill.
- Whatever.
And I want to say this too.
I know it'd be controversial right now.
- Oh, I'd love to hear this.
- Yeah, yeah.
- But not only, I think he's the best Superman of all time.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I don't care, I don't care.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- There's no way to argue it.
There's no way to argue it.
- Ben Affleck is better than Henry Cavill.
- Who's better?
- Ben Affleck is better than Henry Cavill.
- He's Batman.
- Oh.
Oh, you're right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's Batman.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wait, was Henry Cavill Superman
when Ben Affleck was Batman?
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay, Henry Cavill's the best Superman.
- Yeah, they fought against each other.
- That was my favorite Superman.
- What, when they fought against each other?
- When they fought against each other.
- That was too long and convoluted.
- And then Wonder Woman showed up
and Aquaman was sitting in the war.
- No, Aquaman was not in,
that was in the Justice League.
Aquaman and The Flash were not in that movie,
'cause I just re-watched them in fucking,
in Montana 'cause I had nothing to do.
I watched, I went from Christopher Reeves
all the way through, okay?
- Pull up all the Superman real quick.
- All right, so I honestly believe,
I can rank them.
And let's just do film, I don't wanna do TV.
- Nick Cage was Superman?
- He was supposed to be.
- Oh, okay.
- And in one of the Superman movies,
he was in it or something, right?
- In The Flash, they do a little-
- A little montage at the end
where they showed him in a multiverse kind of a,
but so I think that it goes Henry Cavill,
then it goes to Christopher Reeves,
then it goes Brandon Ruth.
- Oh, I would put Kirk Allen in there.
- You don't know Kirk Allen?
- No, no, George Reeves, of course, George Reeves,
I mean, George Reeves.
- Oh, George Reeves, yeah.
- George Reeves is the one I remember the most.
- Oh, that's the old school '51s.
- Dean Cain, Dean Cain looks like the kind of guy
that votes Republican now, doesn't he?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like he's got some real opinions about France.
- He looks like Kim Jong-un, actually, look at him.
Yeah, yeah, but what do you think?
- I think, Henry Cavill's-
- Best Batman.
- No, no.
- What's your best, best Batman?
- My best Batman?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm a Ben Affleck fan.
The only reason I ever get sober if Ben Affleck called
and said he wanted to be my sponsor.
- You met him?
- No, I've never met him.
I love that guy.
- Wait, wait, wait, you would get sober
only if Ben Affleck asked you to-
- If he called me up right now and he was like,
yo, it's Ben Affleck, I would love to be your sponsor,
get you into sobriety, I'd be like, fuck yes.
- Okay, let me throw some, how about Anthony Hopkins?
- No, for being sober?
- Or for Batman.
- Yeah, Anthony Hopkins would be a Batman.
- All right, what about, so no, I'm gonna, Brad Pitt.
- No.
- He's the only one.
- Ben Affleck, I think I get him.
I get his, I feel like, I feel like I like him.
I like him, you know?
- You know why?
- Why?
- He doesn't hide his emotions.
- Right, and I don't-
- When he's walking out of the fucking limos with J-Lo,
normally, as a guy, we would be like, all right,
there's gonna be people there, smile.
Yeah, he's just so drawn, like, I hate it.
I don't care what people think.
- And he's smart as shit.
- Oh, he's so smart, he's so smart.
- Dude, I saw him on Bill Maher's, what's it called?
- Real Time.
- Real Time.
- And he fucking lit that dude up.
- Yeah, about the, yeah.
- Him and Matt Damon are two of the smarter dudes,
and they're movie stars.
- They're so smart.
- And they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.
- Yeah, they're so smart.