Name: PSA: Never Get in a Stranger's Car
Uploaded: 2024-09-21T16:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'PSA: Never Get in a Stranger's Car' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'PSA: Never Get in a Stranger's Car' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-21. Transcript available.

I'm going to tell you something that happened to me, okay?
So I was in Montana, Butte, and, you know, I had a couple of days off,
so I need to go to an AA meeting.
Really?
Yeah, so I went down to this.
Do you do those still every day?
No, I go to maybe once a week.
And I went to a church way deep into the suburbs.
Oh, that's the AA meeting I want to go to.
And there were people in there with, like, some people with oxygen tanks.
That's how old they were.
Yeah.
All white.
Old school drink.
All white.
Like, old school white, like, and as soon as I walked in,
obviously, everyone's 80 years old and super white,
and a little Asian guy comes in there, and they, you know, I turned heads.
But as soon as I sat down, they're like, would you like some coffee?
And then, you know, they put me some coffee, and then they go, um,
you know, is there anybody from out of town?
I go, I'm Bobby from LA.
And then they, you know, I shared.
And then afterwards...
What do you say?
Like, you don't have to tell me exactly what you say, but, like...
I'll tell you my share.
What do you share?
Like, do you go, like, hey, I'm...
Well, you know, this is so gross.
This is so gross of what I'm about to say right now, dude.
But I say little things to let them know that I've been in the program.
Oh, I thought you were going to say you say little things
to let them know you're famous.
No, I don't care about that.
But it's more like, it's more like, yeah, you know,
when Dr. Bob and Bill back in Akron, Ohio, you know what I mean?
I try to, like, throw that stuff, you know what I mean?
That's wild.
I say, Dr. Silkworth, you know, when he talked about the psychic change
and the doctor's opinion and the big book,
like, I want to throw them some knowledge that I'm, like, I'm sober.
You know what I mean?
Just like you guys, right?
And I say something, maybe a little something personal.
Why?
What's so funny?
I did something gross the other night.
All right.
Let me finish this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, but then the second time I went there, I, you know, it, it,
there's only one Uber in Butte.
So I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to get home
because it's kind of later at night.
So this couple, nice couple goes, hey, buddy, we're big fans.
You want to ride home?
I go, yeah.
And so I get in the car, really nice couple,
and they start going the opposite way of where my hotel is.
I swear to God.
And I go, I go, where are we going?
And they go, well, you're going to our house.
I don't.
And I go, huh?
Yeah, my kids.
You're going to meet my kids.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
So now I'm in the boonies inside a living room.
These two gigantic dogs are just, you know, attacking me.
These three kids come out of the room.
They're, like, wiping sleeves.
They have school the next day.
And they, oh, my God, nice to meet you.
You know, our dad took us to Missoula.
This is what he said.
Our dad took us to Missoula, and they gave us a $300, you know what I mean?
So we just sent $300 on new school clothes.
And, okay, cool.
I got to get the fuck out of here.
You know what I mean?
It was so weird.
I mean, what would you have done?
Oh, I would have done the exact thing.
Exact thing.
Me and you are the people that.
We're the good ones.
Yeah.
We're the good ones.
Imagine, imagine.
Bill Burr.
Oh, that wouldn't happen.
Yeah, that wouldn't, yeah.
That would not.
Yeah, I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
No, there's guys like him and Tom take care of themselves first.
No, I was taking care of myself.
No, no, no, no.
They would have been like, someone said, can we give a ride home?
And immediately they said, no, I've got a car coming.
I've got a car.
I got an Uber.
They would have, they're in charge of their shit.
Guys like me and you go to a meeting or go to a party and don't think of how we're
getting home.
Anyway, so tell me about, you made a fool out of here.
Oh, I'm not doing it now.
No, you have to.
You have to.
You have to.
And we'll cut it out if it's bad.
Okay.
I'll tell you where I made, I'll tell you.
It's funny.
You tell me.
I'll tell you an even more embarrassing one.
What you're talking about is ego.
It's your ego.
You want people to know you've been in the program.
Yeah, yeah.
And so for me, my ego is that I've just like, I don't know.
I think I was, I was think I was broke for so long that all those stuff I was
telling you
about what young comics do when they get first get famous.
I was guilty of some of those things.
Not all the time, but I definitely was guilty of them.
The other day we're at Night of Destruction.
It's a demolition derby in Irwindale.
I'm with my wife and my daughter and like all her friends.
All her friends and people are taking pictures with me.
They're coming up and taking pictures with me.
And, uh, and one of the, one of the dudes like kind of is like goes, who, who
the fuck
is he?
And, uh, I said, and I, I heard him.
So I said, I'm, I'm a comedian.
And then he goes to my wife.
He does this.
He goes, whoa, like it must be making his head big.
And it was like a weird fucking thing, but it struck me wrong.
Right.
And, uh, and then he said, so where, where do you do standup?
And I said, just anywhere really.
And then he goes, you do the improv and, and this was crazy.
And Isla called me on it.
I said, yeah, I used to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I still do though.
I mean, like if I, if I, if I, I lied.
I've seen you there.
Yeah, I do it.
I see you there.
Yeah, I know.
And I said, I used to, and he goes, oh, did you, have you ever done in a while?
I said, well, I'm, and then I start getting dialogue.
It's an inner dialogue with me to this guy.
And I go, you know, I'm off tour right now.
I'm taking nine months off and I, I've been on tour for the past seven years.
And I just got done this arena tour.
My daughter Isla is like, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
A person that does not give a fuck about.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I don't know.
And I just, and I was like, cause he did the thing though.
Whoa.
Like he must have a big head.
And I was like, bitch, I'm, I'm watching you.
Like I'm right here.
What do you mean?
Yeah.
He's like, everyone's taking pictures with you.
And he looks at my wife.
Whoa.
And I was like, oh, I was like, what the fuck?
And then I just vomited my ego onto his shoes.
Yeah.
Would you too?
And he was like, he didn't even notice.
He was like, cool.
So when do you do the improv next?
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
I fucking hate myself.
I know.
But you know what?
I get it.
The worst is when they go, oh, you do comedy?
I go, yeah.
Yeah.
L.A.?
I go, yeah.
You know, my friend Rocky Ramone?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
He does comedy out there.
You guys probably do shows together.
I go, yeah, no, no, no, no, Rocky Ramone.
You have to pretend.
I got, I got, here's the worst one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When people go, so if you get recognized and then other people go, who are you?
Yeah.
I am.
And I'm like, I'm like, I'm nobody.
I'm just, I'm a comedian.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But why are people taking pictures with you?
Yeah.
And then I cut to the fucking chase.
Yeah.
And I go, I'm famous.
And they're like, I don't know you.
And I'm like, I know that.
That's why we're having this conversation.
Listen, I had a girl at a Grateful Dead concert come up to me and go, hey, what's
up?
I said, how you doing?
And she goes, I know you.
And I said, no, I don't think so.
She goes, no, no, we went to high school together.
And I went, no, I went to an all boys Catholic high school in Tampa.
I know we didn't go to high school together.
She's like, no, bullshit.
You're not from Tampa.
I know you.
You're fucking with me.
And I went, no, I'm famous.
And she went, no, you're not.
And I was like, and she goes, why would you say you're famous?
I go, I'm so famous.
You think we went to high school together.
I don't know what the fuck to tell you.
And then her friend goes, who the fuck do you think you are?
And I go, my name's Burt Kreiser.
I'm a comedian.
She knows who I am.
She just can't place it right now.
And I guarantee you in a couple of minutes, you're going to know who I am.
I am because she knows who I am.
And they go, fuck you.
And they turn around.
And then the girl in like fucking two minutes goes, you're the machine.
And I went, yeah, I go, what?
But I had to go through all this ego death to get to here.
Why can't we just, why couldn't you at the very beginning be sweet and go, hey,
I know you.
And I go, no, you don't.
And you go, okay, maybe I don't.
And turn around.
I'll tell you, I had a famous person do that to me one time.
Yeah.
Because that's the thing with famous people is you think you know them.
I did it to Reese Witherspoon.
Yeah.
I thought I knew her.
I was like, we grew up together.
She was like.
Did you?
No, but that's how, that's what happens.
Oh, okay.
When you, especially like someone like Reese Witherspoon is so beautiful.
Yeah.
You just are drawn to her.
Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, let me throw that, let me, what'd you say?
Reese Witherspoon.
She's okay.
To me, it's just not, it's not my thing.
No.
What, white?
No, I love white.
She's perfect.
She is the ideal white.
If Hitler was going to make a person, it would be her.
Okay.
I mean, okay.
That's it.
Hitler would have been like, that's the fucking one.
We just had different sensibilities, Hitler and I.
All right, keep going.
You were saying.
I don't even know.
Okay.
It's so embarrassing.
I don't want to say, you know, that's all we do.
I was in an event with this girl.
I was sitting next, sitting there at this event and she was like, what do you
do?
I go, comedy.
She goes, yeah, well, like what kind of, I was saying, yeah, I'm doing, I'm
killing it.
I'm killing it.
I said, I'm doing really good.
You know, every club I go to, I sell club.
I said, I said club.
I said every club I go, I sell out.
Right.
And I think she goes, oh, that's cool.
I go, yeah, yeah.
It's like cool.
I get like a versus deal.
I say.
Oh, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby.
Yeah.
I get a versus deal.
Oh, Bobby.
Yeah.
And she goes, what's that?
I go, yeah, the club gives, gets, takes 40.
I keep 60 or I don't know.
So whatever the fucking thing is.
And I, this is the worst one I've heard.
And I talked about it for about a half an hour about myself.
And I go, what do you do?
And she goes, oh, I'm not, not really.
My dad's a comic.
I go, who's your dad?
She goes, Ray Romano.
That's the best one.
I, I, I completely, I completely made that story up.
Oh, are you serious?
Yeah.
I was like, I was like, in my head, I was like.
I didn't know what else, because I didn't have a story.
You're pretty good though.
That's good.
That was really good.
That was really good.
You should make up more stories.
I do.
That's a pretty good makeup story, right?
That's a really good one.
Yeah.
Can I give you a redemption one?
Give me a redemption one.
This is, I haven't told anyone about this.
Yeah.
This is a big one.
I would love this one.
I'm going to love it.
This is intense.
Okay.
Okay.
Hold on.
Let me put a dip in.
Okay.
I quit tobacco.
I know you did.
I didn't know that.
Sorry.
I lied.
So.
Go ahead.
20, probably 23 years ago, I had a TV show where I interviewed Gene Simmons.
From KISS, the lead singer.
I was the biggest fucking KISS fan in the world.
As a child, KISS was the, I dressed up as Gene Simmons.
I did my talent show as Gene Simmons.
I could sing every fucking, shout it, shout it, shout it out loud.
I knew everything, right?
So I go to, I do, you swallow it?
I need water.
What a great interviewer he is.
I mean, this is like top-notch Oprah shit.
Have you ever been watching real time when Bill Maher, when someone's about to,
did you
swallow it?
It should be noted that I preface this with, I haven't told this story to
anybody.
I'm so sorry.
Oh my God.
It went down the tube.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Shout it, shout it out loud.
Let's go.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Please continue.
Please continue.
So, so, so I do a show where I interview Gene Simmons and he was less than nice
to me.
Like, I mean, he was almost horrific, right?
And so I fucking walk away.
I was, it was called the X show.
It was the late night talk show.
I walk away.
Heartbreaking.
I go, it's heartbreaking.
It's destructive because you go, now I can't listen to their music.
I have to fucking write off my childhood as a mistake.
It really sucks.
So cut to this Netflix is a joke festival.
I'm at maybe the Tom Brady roast, I think.
And, and Nick Simmons, Gene Simmons' son comes up to me.
And I know Nick is friends with Tommy and he goes to the podcast and Nick's
really a cool
kid.
He comes up.
He's like, dude, you're fucking hilarious.
I was like, thanks.
I know who he is.
I was like, I love getting on the podcast.
I think Nick's cool as shit.
And he was like, he was like, I'd love to introduce you to my dad.
And I said, I'm good.
And he went, what?
I said, I'm good.
I would not like to meet your dad.
And he goes, excuse me.
And he goes, uh, he goes, my dad's a fan.
And I was like, buddy, I had a bad experience with your dad and I'd rather not
meet him.
And I said, I'm sorry that I'm doing this, but I don't want to be around your
dad.
And he goes, well, my mom's with him.
Hold on.
So he brings his mom over.
I think this was actually at my show.
It sounds crazy.
I think this was at my show at the forum.
Well, you get the fucking story straight.
So is it at the way?
Because my parents were there.
My parents were there.
Well, there's got to be the fucking new show.
Had to be my show.
So, so his wife comes over and she comes over and she's almost giggling.
She's with Nick.
And she goes, I heard my husband was a dick.
And I said, he was, she goes, yeah, let's bring him over.
You tell him exactly what happened.
And I went, no, no, no, no.
I actually do not want to be involved in this.
Why at this point now?
I'm so nervous because also he was a hero of mine.
Okay.
And it is Gene fucking Simmons.
And you don't want to double down on the hate.
And I don't want to have this moment.
I'd rather just never talk to him.
Exactly.
Okay.
I was like, I was like, I'm cool.
I've already hated him for fucking 25 years.
Okay.
Gene Simmons walks over with his son and his wife and he sits over and he goes,
I hear that
I was rude to you.
And I said, yes.
And he goes, please tell the story.
And I went, okay.
And so in front of his wife and his son and him, I tell the story verbatim as
if I was
telling it to you and shitting on him on a podcast.
And he looks at me and he goes, I apologize for my behavior.
I hope you'll forgive me.
I think you're absolutely hilarious.
Oh my God.
And I went, you're a hundred percent forgiven.
I said, you're the fucking best dude.
Thank you for this so much.
And he goes, let me pay you.
And I said, what?
And he goes, I'll give you $5.
And he gave me $5.
He goes, are we good?
And I went, yeah.
And he goes, let me sign it.
And he signed the $5 bill and he gave it to me.
And he was like, he was like the coolest fucking guy in the world.
He got me back in a heartbeat.
In a fucking heartbeat.
I fucking bent to the knee.
I was like fucking shout it out.
And I looked at his son.
I was texting with his son the next day.
I was like, I go, thank you for doing that.
Thank you for doing that.
His son's cool as shit.
His son was like, this isn't the first time this has happened.
Let's make amends.
What if you go, you go, all is forgiven.
And he goes, and spit right in your face.
What would you have done?
I would have fucking laughed hysterically and been like, you got me good.
God, I deserve that.
That would have been great.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Gene Simmons is a fucking gangster.
And I've texted with his son a bunch.
Can I pitch you an idea?
Oh, okay, go.
We should do a secret podcast that we don't tell our partners about.
It'll make them mad.
And we'll just put it on Patreon.
It'll make them mad.
We'll just put it on Patreon.
And we'll change our names.
We'll change our names.
Yeah.
It'll be called.
Bad Bears.
It's called Bad Bears.
That's not Bad Bears.
Bad Bears is okay.
We should do.
We should do a bad name.
Yeah, yeah.
Or two friends.
I mean, I've always wanted to do this as a podcast name.
And it'll make him mad.
But I still want Riffin without Griffin.
It'll make Eric mad, but I've always wanted to do that.
We should do a show.
What's the Superman's name?
Henry Cavill?
Yeah.
Henry Cavill on the Beneflex show.
And we'll just, and me and you do a little secret on the DL.
They'll never know about this.
They will.
No, they'll never know.
And Andrew will be so mad.
And we do not tell them.
You probably be mad.
And it's just on Patreon.
And we charge like 50 cents.
Okay.
We probably charge nothing on Patreon.
But we just do it on the DL.
Can we dress differently?
Yeah.
And what we can do is we'll just do it over the phone.
We'll just do it over the phone.
No, no, no.
We got to be.
I would love to be.
Yeah.
We got to be.
Anyway, thank you for listening.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Bye.

PSA: Never Get in a Stranger's Car

I'm going to tell you something that happened to me, okay?
So I was in Montana, Butte, and, you know, I had a couple of days off,
so I need to go to an AA meeting.
Really?
Yeah, so I went down to this.
Do you do those still every day?
No, I go to maybe once a week.
And I went to a church way deep into the suburbs.
Oh, that's the AA meeting I want to go to.
And there were people in there with, like, some people with oxygen tanks.
That's how old they were.
Yeah.
All white.
Old school drink.
All white.
Like, old school white, like, and as soon as I walked in,
obviously, everyone's 80 years old and super white,
and a little Asian guy comes in there, and they, you know, I turned heads.
But as soon as I sat down, they're like, would you like some coffee?
And then, you know, they put me some coffee, and then they go, um,
you know, is there anybody from out of town?
I go, I'm Bobby from LA.
And then they, you know, I shared.
And then afterwards...
What do you say?
Like, you don't have to tell me exactly what you say, but, like...
I'll tell you my share.
What do you share?
Like, do you go, like, hey, I'm...
Well, you know, this is so gross.
This is so gross of what I'm about to say right now, dude.
But I say little things to let them know that I've been in the program.
Oh, I thought you were going to say you say little things
to let them know you're famous.
No, I don't care about that.
But it's more like, it's more like, yeah, you know,
when Dr. Bob and Bill back in Akron, Ohio, you know what I mean?
I try to, like, throw that stuff, you know what I mean?
That's wild.
I say, Dr. Silkworth, you know, when he talked about the psychic change
and the doctor's opinion and the big book,
like, I want to throw them some knowledge that I'm, like, I'm sober.
You know what I mean?
Just like you guys, right?
And I say something, maybe a little something personal.
Why?
What's so funny?
I did something gross the other night.
All right.
Let me finish this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, but then the second time I went there, I, you know, it, it,
there's only one Uber in Butte.
So I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to get home
because it's kind of later at night.
So this couple, nice couple goes, hey, buddy, we're big fans.
You want to ride home?
I go, yeah.
And so I get in the car, really nice couple,
and they start going the opposite way of where my hotel is.
I swear to God.
And I go, I go, where are we going?
And they go, well, you're going to our house.
I don't.
And I go, huh?
Yeah, my kids.
You're going to meet my kids.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
So now I'm in the boonies inside a living room.
These two gigantic dogs are just, you know, attacking me.
These three kids come out of the room.
They're, like, wiping sleeves.
They have school the next day.
And they, oh, my God, nice to meet you.
You know, our dad took us to Missoula.
This is what he said.
Our dad took us to Missoula, and they gave us a $300, you know what I mean?
So we just sent $300 on new school clothes.
And, okay, cool.
I got to get the fuck out of here.
You know what I mean?
It was so weird.
I mean, what would you have done?
Oh, I would have done the exact thing.
Exact thing.
Me and you are the people that.
We're the good ones.
Yeah.
We're the good ones.
Imagine, imagine.
Bill Burr.
Oh, that wouldn't happen.
Yeah, that wouldn't, yeah.
That would not.
Yeah, I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
No, there's guys like him and Tom take care of themselves first.
No, I was taking care of myself.
No, no, no, no.
They would have been like, someone said, can we give a ride home?
And immediately they said, no, I've got a car coming.
I've got a car.
I got an Uber.
They would have, they're in charge of their shit.
Guys like me and you go to a meeting or go to a party and don't think of how we're
getting home.
Anyway, so tell me about, you made a fool out of here.
Oh, I'm not doing it now.
No, you have to.
You have to.
You have to.
And we'll cut it out if it's bad.
Okay.
I'll tell you where I made, I'll tell you.
It's funny.
You tell me.
I'll tell you an even more embarrassing one.
What you're talking about is ego.
It's your ego.
You want people to know you've been in the program.
Yeah, yeah.
And so for me, my ego is that I've just like, I don't know.
I think I was, I was think I was broke for so long that all those stuff I was
telling you
about what young comics do when they get first get famous.
I was guilty of some of those things.
Not all the time, but I definitely was guilty of them.
The other day we're at Night of Destruction.
It's a demolition derby in Irwindale.
I'm with my wife and my daughter and like all her friends.
All her friends and people are taking pictures with me.
They're coming up and taking pictures with me.
And, uh, and one of the, one of the dudes like kind of is like goes, who, who
the fuck
is he?
And, uh, I said, and I, I heard him.
So I said, I'm, I'm a comedian.
And then he goes to my wife.
He does this.
He goes, whoa, like it must be making his head big.
And it was like a weird fucking thing, but it struck me wrong.
Right.
And, uh, and then he said, so where, where do you do standup?
And I said, just anywhere really.
And then he goes, you do the improv and, and this was crazy.
And Isla called me on it.
I said, yeah, I used to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I still do though.
I mean, like if I, if I, if I, I lied.
I've seen you there.
Yeah, I do it.
I see you there.
Yeah, I know.
And I said, I used to, and he goes, oh, did you, have you ever done in a while?
I said, well, I'm, and then I start getting dialogue.
It's an inner dialogue with me to this guy.
And I go, you know, I'm off tour right now.
I'm taking nine months off and I, I've been on tour for the past seven years.
And I just got done this arena tour.
My daughter Isla is like, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
A person that does not give a fuck about.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I don't know.
And I just, and I was like, cause he did the thing though.
Whoa.
Like he must have a big head.
And I was like, bitch, I'm, I'm watching you.
Like I'm right here.
What do you mean?
Yeah.
He's like, everyone's taking pictures with you.
And he looks at my wife.
Whoa.
And I was like, oh, I was like, what the fuck?
And then I just vomited my ego onto his shoes.
Yeah.
Would you too?
And he was like, he didn't even notice.
He was like, cool.
So when do you do the improv next?
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
I fucking hate myself.
I know.
But you know what?
I get it.
The worst is when they go, oh, you do comedy?
I go, yeah.
Yeah.
L.A.?
I go, yeah.
You know, my friend Rocky Ramone?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
He does comedy out there.
You guys probably do shows together.
I go, yeah, no, no, no, no, Rocky Ramone.
You have to pretend.
I got, I got, here's the worst one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When people go, so if you get recognized and then other people go, who are you?
Yeah.
I am.
And I'm like, I'm like, I'm nobody.
I'm just, I'm a comedian.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But why are people taking pictures with you?
Yeah.
And then I cut to the fucking chase.
Yeah.
And I go, I'm famous.
And they're like, I don't know you.
And I'm like, I know that.
That's why we're having this conversation.
Listen, I had a girl at a Grateful Dead concert come up to me and go, hey, what's
up?
I said, how you doing?
And she goes, I know you.
And I said, no, I don't think so.
She goes, no, no, we went to high school together.
And I went, no, I went to an all boys Catholic high school in Tampa.
I know we didn't go to high school together.
She's like, no, bullshit.
You're not from Tampa.
I know you.
You're fucking with me.
And I went, no, I'm famous.
And she went, no, you're not.
And I was like, and she goes, why would you say you're famous?
I go, I'm so famous.
You think we went to high school together.
I don't know what the fuck to tell you.
And then her friend goes, who the fuck do you think you are?
And I go, my name's Burt Kreiser.
I'm a comedian.
She knows who I am.
She just can't place it right now.
And I guarantee you in a couple of minutes, you're going to know who I am.
I am because she knows who I am.
And they go, fuck you.
And they turn around.
And then the girl in like fucking two minutes goes, you're the machine.
And I went, yeah, I go, what?
But I had to go through all this ego death to get to here.
Why can't we just, why couldn't you at the very beginning be sweet and go, hey,
I know you.
And I go, no, you don't.
And you go, okay, maybe I don't.
And turn around.
I'll tell you, I had a famous person do that to me one time.
Yeah.
Because that's the thing with famous people is you think you know them.
I did it to Reese Witherspoon.
Yeah.
I thought I knew her.
I was like, we grew up together.
She was like.
Did you?
No, but that's how, that's what happens.
Oh, okay.
When you, especially like someone like Reese Witherspoon is so beautiful.
Yeah.
You just are drawn to her.
Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, let me throw that, let me, what'd you say?
Reese Witherspoon.
She's okay.
To me, it's just not, it's not my thing.
No.
What, white?
No, I love white.
She's perfect.
She is the ideal white.
If Hitler was going to make a person, it would be her.
Okay.
I mean, okay.
That's it.
Hitler would have been like, that's the fucking one.
We just had different sensibilities, Hitler and I.
All right, keep going.
You were saying.
I don't even know.
Okay.
It's so embarrassing.
I don't want to say, you know, that's all we do.
I was in an event with this girl.
I was sitting next, sitting there at this event and she was like, what do you
do?
I go, comedy.
She goes, yeah, well, like what kind of, I was saying, yeah, I'm doing, I'm
killing it.
I'm killing it.
I said, I'm doing really good.
You know, every club I go to, I sell club.
I said, I said club.
I said every club I go, I sell out.
Right.
And I think she goes, oh, that's cool.
I go, yeah, yeah.
It's like cool.
I get like a versus deal.
I say.
Oh, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby.
Yeah.
I get a versus deal.
Oh, Bobby.
Yeah.
And she goes, what's that?
I go, yeah, the club gives, gets, takes 40.
I keep 60 or I don't know.
So whatever the fucking thing is.
And I, this is the worst one I've heard.
And I talked about it for about a half an hour about myself.
And I go, what do you do?
And she goes, oh, I'm not, not really.
My dad's a comic.
I go, who's your dad?
She goes, Ray Romano.
That's the best one.
I, I, I completely, I completely made that story up.
Oh, are you serious?
Yeah.
I was like, I was like, in my head, I was like.
I didn't know what else, because I didn't have a story.
You're pretty good though.
That's good.
That was really good.
That was really good.
You should make up more stories.
I do.
That's a pretty good makeup story, right?
That's a really good one.
Yeah.
Can I give you a redemption one?
Give me a redemption one.
This is, I haven't told anyone about this.
Yeah.
This is a big one.
I would love this one.
I'm going to love it.
This is intense.
Okay.
Okay.
Hold on.
Let me put a dip in.
Okay.
I quit tobacco.
I know you did.
I didn't know that.
Sorry.
I lied.
So.
Go ahead.
20, probably 23 years ago, I had a TV show where I interviewed Gene Simmons.
From KISS, the lead singer.
I was the biggest fucking KISS fan in the world.
As a child, KISS was the, I dressed up as Gene Simmons.
I did my talent show as Gene Simmons.
I could sing every fucking, shout it, shout it, shout it out loud.
I knew everything, right?
So I go to, I do, you swallow it?
I need water.
What a great interviewer he is.
I mean, this is like top-notch Oprah shit.
Have you ever been watching real time when Bill Maher, when someone's about to,
did you
swallow it?
It should be noted that I preface this with, I haven't told this story to
anybody.
I'm so sorry.
Oh my God.
It went down the tube.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Shout it, shout it out loud.
Let's go.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Please continue.
Please continue.
So, so, so I do a show where I interview Gene Simmons and he was less than nice
to me.
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